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Its a Boy Girl Thing scriptGive me my Romeo, and when he shall die, take him and cut him out to little stars - and hell make the face of heaven so fine. And all the world will be in love with the night - Mystical: Shake Ya Ass and. make the face of heaven so fine that all. the world will be in love. Mystical: Shake Ya Ass . all the world will be in love with the night. Excuse me! Excuse me! - Woody, will you turn that down? - Sorry, I cant hear you! Turn the noise down! Sorry, did you say something? Im trying to study but its impossible with that racket going on! - Its not racket, thats Mystical! Whatever it is, will you please switch it off? - Whats it worth? - The gratitude of a music lover? Alright, I turn it off! If you flash me! Show me what girls are all about! You are a pig! - Anyway, Ive seen them before! - What! You have not! Have now! Good morning, Mr. Fluffy. - Woody, are you up yet? - Oh, yeah! - Good morning, Daddy! - I have some mail for you, princess. Its from Yale! I have an interview next week! I applied for early action for you, honey! My precious little girl are going to Yale! I have to get through the interview first, mother! - You wont let us down, never have. - Never has. - Isnt it exciting, Ted? - Its very excititing, Katherine. - Are you excited? - I am. Im so excited I could yell it from the roof tops! Thank you, mother! Bachman Turner Overdrive: You Aint Seen Nothing Yet Bachman Turner Overdrive: You Aint Seen Nothing Yet Everything OK back there? No problem, honey. Just searing off a couple of finger prints. Carry on, my good woman. - Big games coming up soon, son? - Yep! Coach says all the big college scouts gonna be at the game. Yeah, I know. Speciality of the House! I call it Eggs What the Heck So much of fine cuisine is down to presentation, dont you think, son? Oh yeah, absolutely! Youll be the first member of my family to go to college. Hell be the first member of your family to go to freaking school! Thats true. But son, if things dont work out, therell always be a job for you - with Stan the Man at Spatula World. - To me, the greatest living American should. have individual accomplishments - but also have a lasting influcence on America and with the world. And that is why after careful consideration my candidate. - Yo, whats up boy? - Hi, Horse! - Nice grab, Horse! Hows it hanging? - To the floor, my friend! What say we shift this baby into warp drive, huh? I want you to feel the wind blowing through. the hair of your fine muscular ass! Hit it please! Eminem: Without Me Well, looky here! Is that not a pencil necked virigin girl I see before me? I do believe it is. Shes standing dangerously close to a vast pool of water. For a smart girl, that aint so smart. Thank you! OK, just keep walking. No one will notice. Who wants cotton candy? Hey, Nell, I love what youve done with your hair! Thanks, Glixen. Three, two one. Hey, watch it! - Harry! - Whats up baby! Wow wow, people around! Nice look! Special needs boy and his muse, the lovely Clamydia. My names Breanna, you geek! By the way, sorry about this morning. That puddle just. showed up in front of us! Oh, thats OK, please dont apologize it, I understand. While archetypal outsiders such as myself. rarely fit comfortably into high school environements - this is as good as your life will get. The big football star and his vacuous cheerleader girlfriend. Head cheerleader. Because, lets face it. The old gray matter. aint exactly top level, is it Woodster? So you end up with a job with your dad - and probably marry Breanna here. But soon you start drinking to numb this aching feeling you have inside. Fast forward a few years and youre a drunk. fat guy at a bar talking about the good old days. While your little wife whose looks have gone to the dodo - is prepping up her self esteem with squalid. sexual encounters with your friends behind your back. - What friends? - Im guessing most of them. Have a good day. Class, please turn to page 488. Paragraph. demarked Early history - which reads: Combined with the study of mankind - in all its aspects, especially human culture - we are therefore examining that society through. the exploration of classical structure. Now, do not forget to make full use of your abstract database. And class, please make sure the references of. the source material include the internet. Thats OK for now but - you might want to omit that page from your reference list. Now, Mr. Zbornak will be taking your field trip this week. I tried on the most amazing dress for the dance. Think Beyonces wow-factor meets Gwen Stefanis outfit of individuality - with just a sprinkling of designer slut Aguilera. The whole things very Madonna. before she got old naturally. Sounds hot! Now, I think Armani would be good for you. Stylish yet understated - so you look good but you dont distract attention from me. Mr Deanne! If its not too much trouble? OK, just a minute! Take a look at this odd looking fella! Texcatlipoca - the ancient Aztek god of sorcery. Associated. with the notion of destiny. Tex here has an interesting resume: He was the god of night, lord of the smoking mirror. A shape shifter - a powerful SOB. Mr Deanne, do you think I might have your attention? Or does Mr. Horson have something particularly interesting to say? Im betting on unlikely. OK, time is short, people. I want you to. pair off and take in the rest yourselves. Remember: research, analyze and. .describe! Very nice. Mr Horson, you go with Glixen. Mr Deanne, you go with Miss Bedworth. Lets get your learn on. So, checked out any porno sites lately? I cannot believe Im stuck with you. Lets. hope I dont breathe in any retard germs. Lets hope I dont get any pencil neck virgin disease. Get stuffed. I hate you! Its because you secretly want to have sex with me! When I do decide to surrender the flower of my womanhood - Ive always imagined it to be with someone of my own species! Theres is nobody else in your species, except maybe Glixen. Youre such a moron. You really think. the world evolves around rap music, football and hanging out with the right crowd? You know, you make me sick, you think you are so different to everyone else. Different from. You said Different to. The correct phraseology is Different from. Thanks for that information. Youre no different. from any other geek with books instead of friends - and you dont have to open your big fat mouth to correct me. - Neanderthal! - Spaz. I should pity you but I cant. I hate you too much. I rather cross my legs for the rest of the night. for everybody than to be anything like you! - Dito! - Dito? Double dito! Double double dito times a thousand trillions! . and forever more shall find her destiny to live alone no more. Good night, Mr. Fluffy. Oh God, my head. I must be dreaming. Time to wake up. What was that? Tits! I have tits. Two tits! This is the regular number of tits but for a guy? Whats going on here? Oh my god, its gone! This looks bad. If its gone and I have tits - that means this must be a dream. A very very bad Now I have tits dream. What is this? This isnt my room! We need to talk! Talk? She wants to talk? Lets talk about why Im going through a drawer. full of underwear with the days of the week on them. ! Oh God! OK, now my pubes knows it Wednesday! Its tough enough getting these damn things off! How the hell does anyone get these things on? Ladies, looks like you and me is going au naturelle. Go away! Alright, coast is clear. Get off. Good morning! - Nell, is everything OK? - I didnt see you there! - Your oatmeal is on the table. - Im in a hurry, gotta go. Nonsense, now you sit down, its the most important meal of the day. And oatmel is wonderful for promoting healthy and regular bowel movements. Thats cool if I want to take a dump the size of my head. Excuse me? Oatmeals good, mummy. Deep Purple: Hush Is this meat? - You have oatmeal? - Are you shitting me? - Porkmeats good. - Eat up, son Jesus, Im gonna puke. Golly, you must have been hungry. You need a second helping. You wait there, young lady! Hows it going, pretty boy? Lets go! It will turn you into a big strong girl! Excuse me. See you later. Nell, arent you forgetting something? Holy crap, look at the size of that thing! What thing? Gotta go mom, see you later. Hop in man, we got places to go, people to see, women to impregnate. You OK? Yeah, Im fine! Really? The bitch stole my ride! - Were going a little fast? - You bet your sweet ass we are! I am going to die! Oh god, Im getting on the bus. I havent. been on the bus since 8th grade! Come on! Screw you assholes! Thats no way for a young lady to talk! Sorry, Im a bitch when Im on the rag, you know what Im saying? - Sorry! - Yeah, you too. And this dress is just amazing You! What the hell have you done to me, witch lady? Get your hands off me, you bully! God, you think Im responsible for this? I certainly am not. And youre the one who knows everything. That does not include this! This is impossible. This can not happen! You better figure out how to get my damn body back. Trust me, theres nothing I would like more. You think I relish waking up another day with the Simpsons? Leave my parents out of this. And what is up with your mother? She never heard of volume control? Yak farmers in Tibet are praying for her to keep the volume down. And her language, my goodness! My mother does not have a mole on her face the size of the White House. So shes got a problem with moles. Besides, its not a mole, its a beauty spot! I can spot that beauty from Wisconsin! Insensitive pig! I dont want to be a boy, OK? Especially I dont want to be you! No, no, no, dont cry, not here. Maybe its just one of those 24 hour things. Like a head cold. Tomorrow we could be back to normal. Just try not to attract any unnecessary attention. Gross, I have to touch it? Ewww! I will never eat finger food from a buffet again for as long as I live. Your homework was to prepare a speech on the greatest living American. Im sorry I missed it but I was excused. from homework due to cheerleading practice. I see. And Nell? What? Your speech please. On the greatest living American? I think the greatest living American is. .J-Lo. - J-Lo? - You know, Jennifer Lopez? Singer, movie star. She had a thing with that dude from Pearl Harbor. I know who J-Lo is now. I am just very interested to hear what you. perceive qualifies her for such a unique accolade. The thing about J-Lo is that. .shes from the streets. And now shes like this big movie star and. shes still really cool. She used to have a little, now shes got a lot. But shes still J-Lo from the block. And I think thats pretty damn great. And shes American. And shes a wife. I see. J-Lo? Pretty good, huh? It just flew right into my head. At least theres plenty of space for it to land. What is your problem? I happen to like J-Lo! Shes a hot booty! You do not bestow an honor such as Greatest Living American solely on the fact of a hot booty! I didnt! She also happen to have a terrific set of funbags! Woody Deanne, youre an idiot and a Philistine. Know what, I dont appreciate you calling me an idiot. And I dont know what that other thing is. but as sure as hell aint one of them either. Hey Woody! What a lovely sight. Swill time at Getty Central. Dear God, now I have to eat with these creatures? My parents are going out tonight, maybe you. wanna come over to discuss what you wanna wear for the homecoming dance? I have things to do. What I meant was: wed be alone. So maybe I might do that thing when I. - You filthy little slut! - You do that? Last week he begged me to do that! - So what is it, what do you do? - Get lost, you little spastic. I can not believe Woody turned down the chance to have sex with me tonight! Am I in like bizarro world? If I had Richard Wainwright sniffing around me, I wouldnt waste my time on Woody. Its not that simple Tiffany. Today football captain, tomorrow GQ Man of the Year. You need to plan these things! Personally Id be relived if Horse and I didnt have sex. Sometimes I think its the only reason hes with me. That is so not true Chanel. You have many fine qualities. Really? Like what? You have excellent taste in earrings. And your hair looks really good. And youre friends with me. Case closed. - Woodster! Come on in, my man. - How are you? Cool as frozen shit, homie. Yo, we have extra practice tonight, alright, dont forget! Im in the mood to kick some serious ass! Oh yeah, me too! .only I have a prior engagement that. conflicts with the whole ass kicking thing. Wait, were a week away from the game against Lamont. Do you know what the coach will do to your nuts if you dont show up tonight? No, Ill tell you. He will grind them into dust. Nut dust. And the only kids youd be able to have is the itsy-bitsy patter ones. Alright, here we go! Wood? Cut the ball, man! - Woody? - Sorry, coach. Alright, lets get this. Go! - Wood man, come on! - Wake up, boy! Sorry, coach. I got it! What the hell were you doing out there? You play like a damn woman! Im a little pique. - It means off colour. - I know what picque means! You listen to me, and you listen good! This homecoming game is gonna be the biggest game in those boys lives. You may have a god given talent but I. will not let you risk it. Do you hear me? Yes, coach! You get your shit together or youll be. watching the game from the side lines! Dont let it bug you buddy, just hang in there! Look, you just hit a slump, just like a golfer. It doesnt matter how big you are, every now and again you lose a swing. So you keep working on your strokes and banging those balls. Do you wanna touch my helmet? My lucky helmet. It works for me, maybe itll. do you the same. Go ahead, give it a rub! Elton John: Candle in the Wind Oh man, this is crappy music! Loser! Yeah, you too and your mama! I heard about football practice. - Those boys are really rough. - Im covered in bruises. I dont care about your bruises. If coach drops you my life is over. Why are you so worked up? Its only a game! No, its not only a game. Its football! Jesus, dont you get anything? I get that clearly this is not a head cold Do you have any better theories, smart ass? Look at you. What am I wearing? Chinos and a Oxford cotton button-down I found in the back of your closet. Which is exactly where it is meant to stay! Nonsense, you cant beat the classic look! My hair, youve made it all dorky! A center parting is very European looking. No, it is very dorky looking! Excuse me for taking a little pride in your appearance! You could have ruined my life, I look like a male version of you! As long as Im stuck inside this disgusting. body, youll just have to put up with it! Alright, if thats how you want it, sweet cheeks. Scissor Sisters: Filthy / Gorgeous Nice ass! Youre looking fine, sugar! - What are you doing? - Protecting your modesty. You look like a common prostitute! Damn, I was going for a high class hooker! You can not walk into school like this! I can do whatever I want. Now get your hands off me or Ill scream. What are you doing? Youre supposed to be Shakespeare. OK, here goes. Nice penis. Nothing like a bit of personal hygien. Well, it has to be done. Come on, think about it. And shes totally pretending to be pretty. - Hello, Woody. - Hello, Breanna. I have something I want to say to you. Let me guess: youre sorry about blowing me off. No. Im afraid we cant see each other any more. Very funny, Woody. Well, I dont find you that attractive any more. You just look kind of plain. And dont worry about your moustache. Some guys are really into that shit. Suck on this, Woody Dean. I cant believe he said that to her! You cant really see the hairs anyway. What just happened? Seems you and your girlfriend just broke up. Commiserations. No! Me and Breanna? Breanna and I, but lets not quip over details. - Broke up with my girlfriend? - Youll get over it. Wanna go for a ride? I have to go, tonights a big night for me. You too. Congratulations. Tonights the night you final