科技发展.doc

第一篇文章Both the development of technological tools and the uses to which humanity has put them have created modern civilizations in which loneliness is ever increasing.题目分析：核心概念是技术的发展，人们如何利用这些发展（实际上就是人们如何面对它）这两点如何在社会中影响。题目给出了讨论方向，即要考虑到人们在科技的影响下越来越孤独的问题。题目限定了时间范围是当代。注：深红色的字代表论点性语言，是文章论证的核心。其中的关键字我用粗体表示。实际上文章的观点只用这些深红色的字就够了，不信的话大家可以把所有深红色的字提出来，全文的脉络就清晰可辨了，如同人的脊梁骨。黑色的字代表支撑论点的语言。这里有些是例证，有些是推理证明，个别的有指路标性质的文字我加粗了。黑色字的作用是使文章更佳的丰满，让人信服。推理证明就像骨头（小骨头非脊梁骨）,例证就像是肉。最终组成了有血有肉的文章。Technology, broadly defined as the use of tools, has a long history. Ever since Erg the caveman first conked an animal with a rock, people have been using technology. For thousands of years, the use of tools allowed people to move ever closer together. Because fields could be cultivated and the technology to store food existed, people would live in cities rather than in small nomadic tribes. 前面的几句话都是在介绍大的背景，即技术在现在这样的社会中有哪些影响，这很明显是在点题目中的“modern civilizations ”，很好的介绍了文章所限制的范围有哪些特点。从文字上来看，黑色的句子与棕色的句子的意思是完全一样的，区别就是一个更加抽象，一个更加具体，后者是通过具体的例子来解释前者的。这两者都是必不可少的。我们在写作文的时候是不是会忘记写两者中的其中一部分呢？Only very lately have Ergs descendants come to question the benefits of technology. 这个very lately用的很好，第一它再一次的点题了，很好的紧扣题目，第二它与第一句话中所介绍出来的背景遥相呼应，使得前后的连接很顺当。本句以及以后几句就开始提出与第一句话相反的意见了，但是只是将现象提出来，并没有具体展开任何观点。The Industrial Revolution introduced and spread technologies that mechanized many tasks. As a result of the drive toward more efficient production and distribution (so the ever larger cities would be supported), people began to act as cogs in the technological machine. Clothing was no longer produced by groups of women sewing and gossiping together, but by down-trodden automations operating machinery in grim factories.开头段分为两个部分，一部分写优点，后一部分转而写有质疑。很好的暗示了文章的结构。我们可以清晰地知道作者的思路，并期待他在后面进行展开。并且通过细节处比如修饰语中的扣题，使得文章很好的紧扣题目。没有任何模版的痕迹。The benefits of the new technology of today, computers and the internet, are particularly ambiguous. They have made work ever more efficient and knit the world together in a web of information and phone lines. Some visionaries speak of a world in which Erg need not check in to his office; he can just dial in from home. He wont need to go to a bar to pick up women because there are all those chat rooms. Hungry? Erg orders his groceries from an online delivery service. Bored? Download a new game. And yet.本段第一句话质疑科技带来的好处，这一句话引领出本段以及下一段。可以看作是一个过渡句。这里文章与开头段落的衔接非常好，我们看：ambiguous不正是照应了question吗？正是因为ambiguous人们才会question阿。本段的主题句实际上是第二句话。强调了科技的好的地方，使效率更高，人们之间的联系更加紧密了。后面的四个例子分别证明了这一点。这里，有一点我想说的，就是关于例子的使用，在awintro中明确说了要怎么用例子来支持观点：要么用几个例子，要么用一个可以延伸的例子。我们看这篇文章Erg这个词的频繁使用，这样的一个无限延伸的大例子不正是使文章连贯、论证有力的法宝吗。同时，本段最后用了四个事例，实际上都是用erg给串连起来的，也包括下一段。安排的顺序：事业=朋友=生存=娱乐，一步一步地指向个人的内心世界，人的精神层面。Many people, myself included, are a little queasy about that vision. Erg may be doing work, but is it real work? Are his online friends real friends? Does anything count in a spiritual way if its just digital? 本段主要讲科技进步的负面，与上一段首句相照应。很好的承接了上一段落的内容。同时，在例子论证方面，与上一段的每一个点都有照应。一步一步的将上一段质疑。这种釜底抽薪的质疑使得上一段看似很牛的证明崩溃。同志们看出来本文这种可延伸的一个大例子的威力了吧，在证明过程中那么的有力，在反驳过程中那么的彻底，而且连成一串使得总效果增加不少，这比单独的列几个不相干的例子要有效的多。Since the Industrial Revolution, we have been haunted by the prospect that we are turning into our machines: efficient, productive, soulless. The newest technologies, we fear, are making us flat as our screens, turning us into streams of bits of interchangeable data. We may know a lot of people, but we have few real friends. We have a lot of things to do, but no reason to do them. 上面两句都是对上面棕红色字的解释，并且是从不同层面的进行的刻画。第一句是对上一句的efficient、productive的解释，其中we fear不正是对应了haunt吗，第二句是对应于soulless的解释。其中第二句是重点，因为下一自然段讨论的就是他。In short, the new technology emphasizes a spiritual crisis that has been building for quite some time.这一句话既是总结了上面所有的关于现状的描述，同时，也作为承上启下的过度句，逐步地将讨论深化至精神层面，从而自然的引出下一段作者自己的观点。As I try to unravel which I believe about the relative merits of technology, I think it is instructive to remember technologys original result. 前两段都是作者分析现有的情况，分析题目中所给出的条件。而这一段则是作者提出自己的观点，并且使得文章的论述深入到本质。实际上这个就是作者的立场，这样的定立场的方式很好啊，第二段第三段分别分析了原文的立场和反对原文的立场，可是作者并没有同意任何一个，也没有部分同意。本段从科技本质出发，倾向于说科技的不好，但是不带批评色彩，很聪明的另辟蹊径，指向本源。这就避免了冲突。显出自己的睿智。A better plow meant easier farming, more food, longer lives, and more free time to pursue other things such as art. Our newest technology does not give us more free time; it consumes our free time. 这两句话是一层，通过plow的例子解释了本质。前一句举出事实，后一句进行分析，指出本质是占用了我们的空闲时间，直接指向科技的本质（正如最后一段说的，这本质就是科技与生活的失衡）。We are terminally distracted from confronting ourselves or each other. We stay safe, and lonely, in our homes and offices rather than taking the risk of meeting real people or trying new things.这两句话是第二层，说明我们相互之间缺少了沟通和交流。直接指向科技的本质（正如最后一段说的，这本质就是科技与生活的失衡）。While I am certainly not a Luddite, I do believe we need to look for a bit more balance between technology and life. 本句话是全文的中心，前面几段都是铺垫，先说科技好和不好的方面，然后指向本质。本段不仅点出本质，而且给出了进一步的解决思路。（打个比方，这样的论证方式就像是老师去差学生家访，先说“你这孩子挺爱劳动的啊是个好孩子”，然后说“可是学习怎么那么差呢怎么老爱打架呢”，最后说本质“老赵阿其实我知道你工作太忙了，又要评职称又要炒股票没工夫顾孩子。不过为了孩子，还是多抽出点时间关心下吧”，这样的论证结构下来，从表及内，让人感觉很有说服力！）We have to tear ourselves away from the fatal distractions and go out into the world. Technology has given us long lives and endless supplies of information. Now we need to apply that information, use the time were not spending conking our dinner with a club, and find our reasons for living.最后给出了建议，具体的支撑了如何balance科技与生活。仔细看这三句不正是三段论吗！大前提小前提结论。COMMENTARYThis outstanding response displays cogent reasoning, insightful, persuasive analysis, and superior control of language.The essay immediately identifies the complexities of the issue and then playfully explores both the benefits and the drawbacks of technological developments over the course of human history.The writer maintains that a balance between technology and life is necessary if humans are going to abate the loneliness that is part of modern existence.以下文字为在网上找到的前辈牛人对于本文的分析，供大家参考Technology, broadly defined as the use of tools, has a long history.Ever since Erg the caveman first conked an animal with a rock, people have been using technology.For thousands of years, the use of tools allowed people to move ever closer together.Because fields could be cultivated and the technology to store food existed, people would live in cities rather than in small nomadic tribes.（转折句）Only very lately have Ergs descendants come to question the benefits of technology.The Industrial Revolution introduced and spread technologies that mechanized many tasks.As a result of the drive toward more efficient production and distribution (so the ever larger cities would be supported), people began to act as cogs in the technological machine.Clothing was no longer produced by groups of women sewing and gossiping together, but by down-trodden automations operating machinery in grim factories.The benefits of the new technology of today, computers and the internet, are particularly ambiguous.They have made work ever more efficient and knit the world together in a web of information and phone lines.Some visionaries speak of a world in which Erg need not check in to his office; he can just dial in from home.He wont need to go to a bar to pick up women because there are all those chat rooms.Hungry?Erg orders his groceries from an online delivery service.Bored?Download a new game.And yet.（现代很牛）（完全否定牛）Many people, myself included, are a little queasy about that vision.Erg may be doing work, but is it real work?Are his online friends real friends?Does anything count in a spiritual way if its just digital?Since the Industrial Revolution, we have been haunted by the prospect that we are turning into our machines: efficient, productive, and soulless. The newest technologies, we fear, are making us flat as our screens, turning us into streams of bits of interchangable data.We may know a lot of people, but we have few real friends.We have a lot of things to do, but no reason to do them.In short, the new technology emphasizes a spiritual crisis that has been building for quite some time.As I try to unravel which I believe about the relative merits of technology, I think it is instructive to remember technologys original result.A better plow meant easier farming, more food, longer lives, and more free time to pursue other things such as art.Our newest technology does not give us more free time; it consumes our free time.We are terminally distracted from confronting ourselves or each other.We stay safe, and lonely, in our homes and offices rather than taking the risk of meeting real people or trying new things.（技术的本质是什么）While I am certainly not a Luddite, I do believe we need to look for a bit more balance between technology and life.We have to tear ourselves away from the fatal destructive distractions and go out into the world.Technology has given us long live and endless supplies of information.Now we need to apply that information, use the time were not spending cooking our dinner with a club, and find our reasons for living.这个文章作为6分文章实在跟其他的6分不太一样,段落内的推理基本做的很少,我这几天把他看了不下几十遍,终于发现了他的奥秘.就是段落间的推理! 当然,它得6分不光是因为这个段落之间的推理.但是这个推理的过程实在是我们的文章所不能达到的.至少我看了这么多天,这样写的还很少.总体,我来说说他的思路,就是开头之后,正文第一段,先说技术是如何的看起来牛然后第2段,把它完全否定,因为如何如何,所以它不牛第三段,那么它为什么不牛呢?让我们看看技术最原始的本质和他应该的本质应该是什么!第四段,既然本质是这样的,那么我们现在应该怎么做!简单来说就是 前言:提出问题一段: 现状2段: 现状是假的3段: 这样才是真的4段: 所以,我们要这样.分析完毕,各位看看,觉得这些6分范文还是很值得研究的虽然我们学不了它的语言,但是它的例子很简单,论证的结构其实也不难.这样比我们清楚的做三段逻辑论证要简单一些.呵呵，,当然,如果像我自己平常写的那种逻辑结构不严密的文章的话,这个的结构还是比较难了.Technology, broadly defined as the use of tools, has a long history.（开头先对科技进行定义，以界定讨论范围，同时这样的定义，可以完全按照个人的理解来，那么就可以做与主题相关的定义，来很好的帮助自己下面的论述作者在这里将technology定义为the use of tools,可以很好的和题目结合，将工具的发展和对工具的使用抽象为科技的发展）Ever since Erg, the caveman first conked an animal with a rock, people have been using technology.For thousands of years, the use of tools allowed people to move ever closer together.(为说loneliness,先反其道而行之，先说科技使人们move close)Because fields could be cultivated and the technology to store food existed, people would live in cities rather than in small nomadic tribes.Only very lately have Ergs descendants come to question（这里question当动词，质疑） the benefits of technology.The Industrial Revolution introduced and spread technologies that mechanized many tasks.As a result of the drive toward more efficient production and distribution (so the ever larger cities would be supported), people began to act as cogs（这个cogs指的是齿轮上的一个齿，形象的比喻手法） in the technological machine.Clothing was no longer produced by groups of women sewing and gossiping together, but by down-trodden automations operating machinery in grim factories.（首段看似没有提出观点，其实不然，作者的行文思路非常清晰，先定义科技，再说过去科技使人们关系紧密，但现在过度的可以发展反而使得人们分离，所以造成了孤独，这就是作者的观点，可以看出，作者这里初步解释了孤独这个现象的原因，并提供讨论的背景）The benefits of the new technology of today, computers and the internet, are particularly ambiguous.They have made work ever more efficient and knit the world together in a web of information and phone lines.（读到这里，感觉作者的语言有一个很大的特点，就是很有画面感，看似抽象的话题经过作者的描述就让我们感觉能够在自己的脑海里描绘出图画来） Some visionaries（one having unusual foresight and imagination） speak of a world in which Erg need not check in to his office; he can just dial in from home.He wont need to go to a bar to pick up women because there are all those chat rooms.Hungry?Erg orders his groceries（foodstuffs, meats, produce, and dairy products and usually household supplies） from an online delivery service.Bored?Download a new game.（句式丰富，这就是一种句式变化）And yet.（本段自始至终都在说科技给生活带来的变化，这种变化使我们独自在家工作成为可能，这为下面说孤独的问题埋下了伏笔） Many people, myself included,（借他人之口说自己的观点，显得客观） are a little queasy（full of doubt） about that vision.Erg may be doing work, but is it real work?Are his online friends real friends?Does anything count in a spiritual way if its just digital?Since the Industrial Revolution, we have been haunted (红宝里的词汇在这里派上了用场)by the prospect （还是一个红宝词汇，前景）that we are turning into our machines: efficient, productive, soulless.The newest technologies, we fear, are making us flat as our screens, turning us into streams of bits of interchangeable data.We may know a lot of people, but we have few real friends.We have a lot of things to do, but no reason to do them.In short, the new technology emphasizes a spiritual crisis that has been building for quite some time.（本段的最后一句总结告诉了我们本段的内容：the new technology emphasizes a spiritual crisis）As I try to unravel（又一个精彩的红宝词汇） which I believe about the relative merits of technology, I think it is instructive （有启发性的）to remember technologys original result.A better plow meant easier farming, more food, longer lives, and more free time to pursue other things such as art.Our newest technology does not give us more free time; it consumes our free time.We are terminally distracted from confronting ourselves or each other.We stay safe, and lonely, in our homes and offices rather than taking the risk of meeting real people or trying new things.(具体的从科技的本质目的入手，说明我们的现状)While I am certainly not a Luddite（one who is opposed to especially technological change这个词用的太妙了，只是完全beyond our ability）, I do believe we need to look for a bit more balance between technology and life.We have to tear ourselves away from the fatal distractions and go out into the world.Technology has given us long lives and endless supplies of information.Now we need to apply that information, use the time were not spending conking our dinner with a club, and find our reasons for living.（作者这里把自己的观点进行了平衡，最后提出了解决的办法）下面是官方的评价：COMMENTARYThis outstanding response displays cogent reasoning, insightful, persuasive analysis, and superior control of language.The essay immediately identifies the complexities of the issue and then playfully explores both the benefits and the drawbacks of technological developments over the course of human history.The writer maintains that a balance between technology and life is necessary if humans are going to abate the loneliness that is part of modern existence.上面的评价肯定了作者的说理和分析以及语言运用我本人觉得，本文有几个闪光点： 文章有自己的独特风格，不像大多数人那样五段式的八股文（但是如果我们现在没有这种驾御能力，那还是只能老老实实的写段式） 开头并不是生硬的提出自己的官点，而是用了下定义，说明写作背景，时间上的比较等方式 作者至少使用了两处比喻，使文章看上去很有画面感 精彩的用词很多：cogs, Luddite, unravel, prospect, haunt等等，用的恰到好处！1. complexity:本文与specialist那篇文很像，hedging the authors bets,沿用一种对issue问题材的3分法，本文输入最难写得single类单一结论类，或者顶多后面附加背景或原因，让考生自己定夺的话题。这类是ISSUE最多最难的题，而且在这里没有上述那么简单可行的模式可以“僵硬”的套用，可以说这类文章才是考验你思辩能力的东西。那么，是不是对于这种类型就无计可施，只能死背提纲？不绝对是，笔者自己潜心领悟练笔及与参详诸“前辈”的真经，发现尽管到了最高境界，是“无招胜有招”，但是容易上手的潜在规律还是有的，总结下来，有以下三种：方方面面式、因果式、层层深入式，本文属于层层深入式：首先树立起自己论证的对象，然后通过论证手段披露对象的特点，最后进行全面进攻。2.insightful reasons:1$ The benefits of the new technology of today, computers and the internet, are particularly ambiguous. 2$ Many people, myself included, are a little queasy about that vision.3$ As I try to unravel which I believe about the relative merits of technology, I think it is instructive to remember technologys original result.3. well-focused:全文一脉相承，段与段之间层层对应，全文还用Erg这个人物串了起来4. persuasive examples:1# 肯定technology 的作用时，说到： Some visionaries speak of a world in which Erg need not check in to his office; he can just dial in from home.He wont need to go to a bar to pick up women because there are all those chat rooms.Hungry?Erg orders his groceries from an online delivery service.Bored?Download a new game.2# 讲到technology 负的一方面时，说道：The newest technologies, we fear, are making us flat as our screens, turning us into streams of bits of interchangable data.We may know a lot of people, but we have few real friends.We have a lot of things to do, but no reason to do them. 5. well-organized:归纳式论证法开头：背景陈诉结尾：呼吁行动正文：例证(illustration)，#Clothing was no longer produced by groups of women sewing and gossiping together, but by down-trodden automations operating machinery in grim factories. # Some visionaries speak of a world in which Erg need not check in to his office; he can just dial in from home.He wont need to go to a bar to pick up women because there are all those chat rooms.Hungry?Erg orders his groceries from an online delivery service.Bored?Download a new game.#The newest technologies, we fear, are making us flat as our screens, turning us into streams of bits of interchangable data.因果(cause-and-effect)， As a result of the drive toward more efficient production and distribution (so the ever larger cities would be supported), people began to act as cogs in the technological machine.对比(contrast)，We may know a lot of people, but we have few real friends.We have a lot of things to do, but no reason to do them. 对照(comparison)， Some visionaries speak of a world in which Erg need not check in to his office; he can just dial in from home.He wont need to go to a bar to pick up women because there are all those chat rooms.Hungry?Erg orders his groceries from an online delivery service.Bored?Download a new game.定义(definition)，Technology, broadly defined as the use of tools,分类(classification)：6。clearly and precisely:7:fluently8.varied sentence structure:Technology, broadly defined as. has .Ever since. people have been.For thousands of years, the use of tools allowed .Because. people would. rather than.Only very lately have . come to question the . The Industrial Revolution introduced and spread.As a result of . people began to act as. Clothing was no longer. but by.The benefits of the new technology of today, computers and the Internet, are particularly.They have made.Some visionaries speak of a world in which .he can just.He wont need to . because.Hungry?Erg orders .Bored?Download a new game.And yet.Many people, myself included, are a little queasy about that vision.Erg may be . but is it .Are his. Does anything count in .if its just digital?Since. we have been ha