打破砂锅爱到底(原文加译文).doc

译文：打破砂锅爱到底你有没有见过这样的夫妇：表面上看起来，他们并不适合对方，然而他们的婚姻却很美满，而你怎么都找不出个所以然。我就认识这么一对夫妇：丈夫是一个魁梧的退役运动员，曾经是一个成功的商人，以及少年棒球协会的教练，现在在扶轮社里很活跃，而且每个周六都会和朋友一起去打高尔夫球。与此同时，他的妻子却是一个娇小的家庭主妇，每天安安静静，深居简出，她甚至不喜欢去外面吃饭。是什么神秘力量促使我们投入一个人的怀抱，而同时将我们推离另一个在一个毫无偏见的旁观者看来很理想的人呢？根据约翰马尼（约翰霍普斯金大学医学心理学和小儿科的名誉教授）的说法，在众多影响我们选择理想伴侣的观念的因素中，一个最最有力的因素，就是他所谓的“爱情图谱”-一组存在于我们大脑当中的，显示我们的好恶的编码信息。这份“爱情图谱”显示了我们在头发和眼睛颜色，声音，气味和体格方面的偏爱，还记录了吸引我们的性格的种类，甭管它是热情友好型还是强势沉默型。简而言之，我们爱慕并且追求那些最符合我们“爱情图谱”标准的人。而这个爱情图谱很大程度上是在幼年就成型了的。八岁的时候，我们理想伴侣的影子已经开始在我们脑海里四处飘荡了。我做演讲的时候，经常问观众中的夫妇，他们的约会对象或是配偶哪里吸引了他们。答案各种各样，有说“她坚强独立”的，有说“我中意他的红头发”的，有说“我喜欢他的幽默感”的，还有的说“正是那狡黠的笑容吸引了我”。西北大学的常任社会学教授罗伯特文奇在他的研究中阐述说，我们对结婚对象的选择涉及到若干的社会相似性。然而，他也强调我们会因互补的需要而去寻找自己生命中的那个某人。健谈的人被喜欢聆听的人吸引，而好胜心强的人可能会挑选消极性格的人为伴。然而也有一些人，他们有着不同的社会背景，最后步入了婚姻殿堂，并且生活得非常幸福。这样的例子不乏少数。我就认识这么一位男士，他是一个工厂的工人，来自芝加哥一个传统的爱尔兰家庭，却爱上了一个非裔美国的浸礼教徒。结婚的时候，他们的朋友和亲戚都预言说他们的婚姻不久就会破裂。然而，二十五年过去了，他们的婚姻关系依旧很稳固。事实证明，她就像她婆婆一样，充满了爱和关怀，卷起袖子志愿去教堂工作或者帮助有需求的人。这正是他的丈夫所爱慕的品质，这种品质使得肤色、种族还有其他任何社会因素，在她的丈夫眼中都变得无关紧要。或正如乔治伯恩斯-一个和是爱尔兰天主教教徒的格雷西艾伦结婚了的犹太人-常说的那样:这个婚姻是他最喜爱的演出，尽管只有格雷西得到所有的笑声。他们俩人有某些社会相似处成长于城市穷困的大家庭中。然而，真正使他们走到一起的是他们初次合作共同登台的事。他们彼此配合得天衣无缝：他负责谐星配角，她则交付妙语。肯定会有那么些个夫妻，表面上看起来出人意料地互不相配，但事实上过得简直不能再幸福了。正如我们所知的一样，就有那些惊为天人的美女或是帅哥，最后却嫁给了普通到不能再普通的壁花。这是一种权衡，有些人称之为等价理论。当男性与女性拥有一种其独有的资本，例如高智商，出众的美貌，令他人魂醉神迷的个性，或是有同样具有杀伤力的巨额金钱，有些人便决定以其资本与他人的优势做交换。出色的丽人可能以她光艳的美貌换取权势和用大把金钱带来的安全感。出身名门的庸才可能以他的家族血统换取贫苦却才能出众的另一半。实际上，几乎任何类型的结合都能存活并茁壮成长下去。有一次，我的一些邻居前来参加一个友好社交活动的时候顺便来访。晚上，五十多岁的罗伯特突然脱口说道：“假如你的女儿要跟一个扎着马尾，还坚持要求下厨的人结婚，你会说什么？”“除非你女儿热爱烹饪，”我回应说，“不然的话，我得说她太走运了。”“一点儿不错，”他妻子赞同地说，“这真的是你的问题，罗伯特你那大男子主义气概的老毛病又犯了。关键是他们彼此相爱。”我尽力使罗伯特安心，告诉他他们的女儿挑选的那位年轻人看上去像那种随意，中肯的人这一点，他与她的母亲是相似的。世界上真的存在一见钟情这种东西吗？为什么不存在呢？当他们彼此痴迷，在那一瞬间，两个人很有可能会发现两人所独有的共同之处-两人读着同样的书，或是出生在同一个镇上，平常若此。与此同时，他们意识到对方身上具有的一些特质，刚好同自己互补。我碰巧就是被魔杖击中的诸多人之中的一个。在那个宿命的周末，还是康奈尔大学二年级学生的我患上了重感冒，犹豫着要不要与我的家人到卡茨基尔山度假。最后我断定任何事情都比独坐于我的寝室里要好得多。那天晚上，就在我正准备去吃晚餐时，我姐姐突然冲上楼对我说：“当你走进饭厅时，你会遇见你要结婚的人。” 我想我当时大概是说了类似于“快走开！”这样的话。但我的姐姐再没有什么事比这件事说得更准的了。从我看到他的那刻起，我就知道姐姐说的是真的，那个场景至今让我浑身起鸡皮疙瘩。他是医科大学的预科生，也在康奈尔，不巧也患了重感冒。在遇见米尔顿的瞬间我便爱上了他。直到1989年米尔顿去世，我们的婚姻长达三十九年。而在那全部的时间里，我们一直都感受着被艾里奇福朗姆称为“融合统一的感觉”的爱，即便在我们两人不停地改变、成长并充实我们的生命之时，这种爱依然存在。原文：Why we love who we love Have you ever known a married couple that just didnt seem as though they should fit together - yet they are both happy in the marriage, and you cant figure out why?I know of one couple: He is a burly ex-athlete who, in addition to being a successful salesman, coaches Little League, is active in his Rotary Club and plays golf every Saturday with friends. Meanwhile, his wife ispetite, quiet and a complete Homebody. She doesnt even like to go out to dinner.What mysterious force drives us into the arms of one person, while pushing us away from another who might appear equally desirable to any unbiased observer?Of the many factors influencing our idea of the perfect mate, one of the most telling, according to John Money, professor emeritus of medical psychology andpediatricsat Johns Hopkins University, is what he calls our love map - a group of messages encoded in our brains that describes our likes and dislikes. It shows our preferences in hair and eye color, in voice, smell, and body build. It also records the kind of personality that appeals to us, whether its the warm and friendly type or the strong, silent type.In short, we fall for and pursue those people who most clearly fit our love map. And this love map is largely determined in childhood. By age eight, the pattern for our ideal mate has already begun to float around in our brains.When I lecture, I often ask couples in the audience what drew them to their dates or mates. Answers range from Shes strong and independent and I go for redheads to I love his sense of humor and That crooked smile, thats what did it.Robert Winch, a longtime sociology professor at Northwestern University, stated in his research that our choice of a marriage partner involves a number of social similarities. But he also maintained that we look for someone with complementary needs. A talker is attracted to someone who likes to listen, or anaggressivepersonality may seek out a more passive partner.However, there are instances where people of different social backgrounds end up getting married and being extremely happy. I know of one man, a factory worker from a traditional Irish family in Chicago, who fell in love with an African American Baptist. When they got married, their friends and relatives predicted a quick failure. But 25 years later, the marriage is still strong. It turns out that the woman was like her mother-in-law - a loving and caring person, the type who rolls up her sleeves and volunteers to work at church or help out people in need. This is the quality that her husband fell for, and it made color and religion and any other social factors irrelevant to him.Or as George Burns, who was Jewish and married the Irish Catholic Gracie Allen, used to say: his marriage was his favorite gig, even though it was Gracie who got all the laughs. The two of them did share certain social similarities - both grew up in the city, in large but poor families. Yet what really drew them together was evident from the first time they went onstage together. They complemented each other perfectly: he was the straight man, and she delivered the punch lines.There are certainly such odd couples who could scarcely be happier. We all know some drop-dead beautiful person married to an unusually plain wallflower. This is a trade-off some call the equity theory.When men and women possess a particular asset, such as high intelligence, unusual beauty, a personality that makes others swoon, or a hefty bankroll that has the same effect, some decide to trade their assets for someone elses strong points. The raging beauty may trade her luster for the power and security that come with big bucks. The not-so-talented fellow from a good family may swap his pedigree for a poor but brilliantly talented mate.Indeed, almost any combination can survive and thrive. Once, some neighbors of mine stopped by for a friendly social engagement. During the evening Robert, a man in his 50s, suddenly blurted out, What would you say if your daughter planned to marry someone who has a ponytail and insisted on doing the cooking?Unless your daughter loves cooking, I responded, Id say she was darn lucky.Exactly, his wife agreed. Its really your problem, Robert - that old macho thing rearing its head again. The point is, theyre in love.I tried to reassure Robert, pointing out that the young man their daughter had picked out seemed to be a relaxed, nonjudgmental sort of person - a trait he shared with her own mother.Is there such a thing as love at first sight? Why not? When people become love-struck, what happens in that instant is the couple probably discover a unique something they have in common. It could be something as mundane as they both were reading the same book or were born in the same town. At the same time they recognize some trait in the other that complements their own personality.I happen to be one of those who were struck by the magic wand. On that fateful weekend, while I was a sophomore at Cornell University, I had a terrible cold and hesitated to join my family on vacation in the Catskill Mountains. Finally I decided anything would be better than sitt