书面表达之平时积累与高分突破(原文发表于《高中生·高考指导》杂志2012年21期).doc

书面表达之平时积累与高分突破2012年的高考越来越近，在高考前的有限时间里，针对书面表达题型的训练愈发显得重要。在考前的最后时间中，同学们如果能掌握一定的应试对策和技巧，认真训练，进行有针对性的复习和强化记忆，在考场里一定能沉着冷静，在书面表达中获得突破。下面我们就结合两篇学生习作来谈谈书面表达题型的备考。书面表达典型题（1）Directions： Write an English composition according to the instructions given below in Chinese. 1，简要描述下图内容，并点明主题；2，联系实际，表达该图给你带来的启示。注意：1，词数不少于120个； 2，不能使用真实姓名和学校名称参考词汇：crippled adj. 跛的, 伤残的 crutch n. 拐杖, 支柱学生习作（1）It is shown in the picture that two crippled men with one of their legs bound together to see the world while they had left their crutches behind, which indicates that teamwork is vital to achieve a goal, or if any, two heads are better than one. We may draw a conclusion that the co-work and joint efforts is very important for success. Realizing this point will benefit us and our society.For us,teamwork means efficient work and makes us easier to succeed. For our society, it is also a necessity to cultivate the teamwork spirit and establish a supporting system where people can depend on each other in the process of going into a harmonious society. Only in this way should we stand firmly up to face the challenge in the near future. (135words)教师点评： 该篇书面表达是典型的漫画类写作，要求学生能首先读懂漫画所表达的深层寓意，然后再结合社会实际谈感想，在谈感想时，更合理、更具逻辑性的表述自己的观点是十分重要的。在这篇习作中，学生就很好的表达出了漫画的寓意：即注重团队合作，变不利条件为有利条件。用词恰当；句子结构正确，能适当运用固定句型；要点全；全文结构完整连贯，行文流畅；自己的观点鲜明且合逻辑。很好的完成了预期的写作目的，是属于第五档作文。具体表现为：词汇方面：bound（蹦着跑（向某方向），这个词用了表示扔掉拐杖后两人行走的生动画面；vital（very important）这个词用的很能显示学生的词汇量，two heads are better than one（两人智慧胜一人），这个谚语用在此处非常切合漫画的含义。句子结构方面：文章中使用了主语从句：that two crippled men with one of their legs ； 比较状语从句（while）进行对比；宾语从句：that teamwork is vital ； 同位语从句：that the co-work and ；定语从句：where people can depend on each other ；倒装句：Only in this way should we stand firmly等等，同时文章中的长句表达非常高级，可以看出该学生对英语句式的娴熟掌握！全文结构方面：文章的句子很紧凑，本文中虽然并没有出现常见的衔接成分，但是这不影响语义的通顺和表达，全文一气呵成，显示出该学生深厚的英文功底。学生习作（2）The picture tell us when two crippled men meet each other, they throw their crutches and help each other walk to explore the world. This story showed that when we have trouble, help each other is very important and necessary.In our life, we can meet many different problems. If we cant solve it by ourselves, we cant succeed. In this case, we can ask our friends to help us. With the help of our friends, we can do things very easy and I think our friends are glad to help us.If we want to succeed in our life, we must help each other and remember only friends can help us. (112words)教师点评：该篇书面表达是一个低档次的表达，主要表现为对漫画的含义不能准确的用英语进行表达，该同学的词汇量有限，不能选用恰当的单词，全文出现了很多初中阶段学生喜欢使用的低层次词汇(have trouble, important, show)，同时也在不断重复这些词汇（如help each other，meet），句式的使用也很简单，以简单句为主，表达的意思没有深度。同时有些词汇的使用也不合适（如throw, explore, meet）。仅有的亮点in this case, meet的使用也无法说明词汇运用的准确和多样性。错误纠正：tell tells (动词的第三人称单数形式)；showed shows (这里用一般现在时的三单形式表示客观事实)；helphelping (用V-ing 做句子的主语)；it them (代替前面的problems)；easy easily (用副词做动词do的状语)。书面表达典型题（2）Write an English composition in 120 150 words according to the instructions given below in Chinese.我国正提倡建设“节约型社会”，下图为某校两个学期用水、用电、用纸的情况。请对其进行简要分析，以“How to build an economized society”为题，写一篇作文，谈谈自己的想法。学生习作（1）How to build an economized societyThe above report of statistics suggests that the expenses of electricity, water and paper in a school are surprisingly large and growing rapidly, which draws our attention. Since our city government is aiming to build an economized society, it is everybodys duty to work hard to achieve this goal, including us students.As a member of society, we must keep the following in our mindsFirstly, make sure that the lights and all the other electric facilities are turned off when we leave rooms. Secondly, try to form the habit of turning off the tap after it is used and the waste water can be reused for more purposes. Thirdly, save paper as much as possible in our everyday life. It is even better to reuse it. (128 words)教师点评： 本篇习作质量较高，该同学先从统计数据中分析出了结论，同时也谈了自己的想法。整个文章选用了恰当的词汇，也准确使用了各种句式结构；段落设置合理，层次分明； 能有效使用过渡性词语，使文章有机地结合在一起成为一个完整的整体。具体表现为： 词汇方面：suggest (n.显示出，表明)要比大众化的词汇show更能显示同学们的表达能力。surprisingly(adv.惊人地)，rapidly(adv.迅速地)，这两个词有很多学生想不到，如果没有这两个词，句子的表达就显得机械，没有动感。aim to(目的是，旨在)，keep in mind(记住) ，make sure(确保，确信)这些动词（短语）的使用就比较plan，remember更能给阅卷老师耳目一新的感觉。 句式方面：本文中也有效使用了各类从句，比如宾语从句（that the expense of ）；定语从句（which draws our attention）；状语从句（since our city ）。 段落设置：第二段的写作是典型的总分结构，再通过后面的firstly, secondly, thirdly分条描述，从而显得段落层次清晰，有条理。学生习作（2）How to build an economized societyFrom the picture, we can see one school have used lots of electricity, water and paper in two school terms, and in the second term, the number is bigger than the first term. I think it is not goo and this school should reduce these precious energy.To build an economized society, we should save the energy, and dont waste it. We can walk to school, save water and save electricity. When we use paper, we can use both sides. When we need use water, we can use the water for several times. When we find other people waste any energy, we can ask them not do like that. Only in this way we can make our society more beautiful. (120 words)教师点评：本篇作文是一种低层次水平的反映：本文用词简单，句式简单重复，语句间衔接不够，联系不紧密，有部分词汇用法错误，没有能完成预期的写作目的。但是如果稍加训练，可以短时间内提供得分。我们从以下几个方面谈：词汇：have used 可以修改为has consumed，consume比use这个普通用词要恰当；reduce 是指减少，这里可用value；energy 是指精力，活力，能源，这里可以替换为resources 资源更能切合需要。句式：the number is bigger than the first term, 这里比较的对象不一致，是典型的中文思维，这里是要表明下学期要比上学校使用更多资源这一趋势，介意使用increase，可以表述为，from the first term to the second, the consumption even increased a little；use the water for several times, 这里应该是说可以重复用水，可以用reuse；not do 应该为not to do；only in this way 是用倒装句式，所以后面的部