Cabin Pressure - Gdansk.doc

Cabin Pressure TRANSCRIPT: 2x01 Gdansk (Carolyn comes onto the flight deck.) MARTIN: Hello, Carolyn. CAROLYN: Listen to this! This chamber orchestra were picking up listen to what their conductors put under Any Special Requirements: “The first violins will not sit together; the second violins will not sit apart. The harpist will ignore you unless your aura is orange; there is nothing you can do to make your aura more orange. The tubist must on no account be given alcohol; the conductor must at all times be given alcohol. He will also require the toilet to himself for an hour before landing. And, most importantly, the bassoonist, Madame Szyszko-Bohusz, will be working under the presumption that you are trying to kill her unless proved otherwise, so avoid approaching her with blunt instruments, sharp knives or hot liquids.” Terrific! How am I supposed to serve her dinner? DOUGLAS: Carefully. Opening credits. This week: Gdansk! MARTIN: Amsterdam, Golf Tango India. With you flight level three-three-zero. AMSTERDAM ATC: Golf Tango India, radar identified. Continue as cleared. ARTHUR: OK, heres another list. Uh, everyone ready? Get set: the Seven Deadly Sins. MARTIN: Yes! I know these! I know them! (scribbles frantically) DOUGLAS: Ah, the deadly sin of Pride. MARTIN: Stop it, Douglas! Youre making it easier for Carolyn! DOUGLAS: Ah, the deadly sin of Envy. MARTIN: Douglas, stop it now. DOUGLAS: Ah, the deadly sin of Anger! MARTIN: Stop it! CAROLYN: Done! MARTIN: (angry noise) Douglas was distracting me! DOUGLAS: And done. MARTIN: Oh! ARTHUR: OK, lets see. Um, yeah, Douglas got em all. MARTIN: (exasperated sigh) ARTHUR: Uh, Mums got . oh. Sorry, Mum, theres no Wrath. (He pronounces it rath) CAROLYN: You mean Wrath. (She pronounces it roth) Of course there is. ARTHUR: No, Im sorry. According to this book theres no Rath or Roth. And youve missed out Anger. CAROLYN: That is Wrath, you idiot child! Have you never heard of Wrath? DOUGLAS: Youve certainly witnessed it often enough. MARTIN: Sorry, Carolyn, we have to go by the book, Im afraid, so I come second. ARTHUR: Yeah, looks like it, Skip. Uh, let me just check . Oh, bad luck. Youve got Lust down twice. MARTIN: Oh, for . DOUGLAS: Naughty Captain Crieff! Which one did he miss out? ARTHUR: Uh, Pride. DOUGLAS: Irony upon ironies. MARTIN: Lets do another. Im gonna win this one. DOUGLAS: Are you now? Then perhaps we should make it a little more interesting. MARTIN: Im not betting, Douglas. Ive told you. DOUGLAS: Why not? MARTIN: Because I always . B-Because its beneath my dignity as a captain. ARTHUR: Ill bet with you, Douglas. CAROLYN: No you wont. ARTHUR: Oh, but Mum .! CAROLYN: Dont “Oh, but Mum” me. Who owns your car? ARTHUR: Douglas does. CAROLYN: Well, then? ARTHUR: He still lets me drive it. DOUGLAS: And at a very competitive hourly rate. MARTIN: All right, no-ones betting anyone anything. Arthur, what is it? ARTHUR (rifling through his book): Um . OK, heres one. On your marks, get set: the Seven Dwarves. (Sounds of scribbling) DOUGLAS: Martin, dont forget Lusty. MARTIN (through gritted teeth): Shut up! CAROLYN: Done! MARTIN: Oh, he distracted me again! DOUGLAS: Done. MARTIN: Oh . OK, this is unfair. ARTHUR: Yeah, Douglas got em all. MARTIN: (exasperated noise) ARTHUR: And Mums got . oh, Mum! Theres no Loopy! CAROLYN: Isnt there? Whats his name, then, the stupid one? ARTHUR: Well, I-I cant tell you until Martins handed his in. MARTIN: Oh, yes! I could still win! DOUGLAS: I think youll find I won. MARTIN: I could still come second! DOUGLAS: Second from last. MARTIN: I could still not lose. CAROLYN: How many have you got? MARTIN: Six. CAROLYN: Ah, same as me. Have you got the stupid one? MARTIN: Yes. CAROLYN: What is it? MARTIN: Its . (He stops himself and laughs.) No! (He chuckles.) CAROLYN: Well, it was worth a try. Um, Silly? Dummy? Dizzy? Ditzy? Arthur? ARTHUR (indignantly): Mum! (Someones service bell bongs three times.) CAROLYN (exasperated): Oh, for Gods sake! (The bell bongs again three times.) CAROLYN: If those jumped-up buskers cant learn to leave the service bell alone, I swear Ill cut off their thumbs! DOUGLAS: Come fly the friendly skies. CAROLYN: Id better go. What was it, then, Arthur, the last Dwarf? MARTIN: No, dont tell her. Im gonna remember my last one before you remember yours. CAROLYN: Oh, for goodness sake, Martin, how childish. Dont you dare help him, Douglas. DOUGLAS: Scouts honour. CAROLYN: Right, lets see what the loonies want now. Ooh, Loony! ARTHUR: No. (The bell bongs again three times.) CAROLYN: Madam. What seems to be the problem? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Someone has tampered with my arm-rests. Who is responsible? CAROLYN: Ah-ha. And you must be the bassoonist, Madame Szyszko . (She struggles with the pronunciation) MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Szyszko-Bohusz. CAROLYN: Gesundheit. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: And how do you know Im bassoonist? Have you been spying on me? CAROLYN: No, madam, but your conductor described you rather vividly. And I wont pretend it didnt help that youre sitting next to a bassoon. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Never am I separated from my bassoon. CAROLYN: Oh, the clingy type, is it? Now, then, whats wrong with your arm-rests? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: You tell me what is wrong with arm-rests. CAROLYN: With great pleasure. In a word: nothing. In six words: nothing is wrong with your arm-rests. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Thats seven words. CAROLYN: “Arm-rests” is hyphenated. Well, Im glad weve had this chat. Ill see you later. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Mine are higher than the others! CAROLYN: I think not. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: But somebodys tampered with them! CAROLYN: May I ask who and why or, if you prefer, whom and whym? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Listen. I am one of worlds leading bassoonists and, believe me, there are many bassoonists whod be very pleased to see me come to no good. CAROLYN: And doubtless one or two cabin crew. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: So, what are you going to do? CAROLYN: What am I going to do about your theory that, before take-off, a bassoonist or bassoonists unknown broke into the aircraft, selected this seat, fractionally elevated the arm-rests and slunk off to await the to me obscure but to them presumably inevitable and deadly consequences? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: . Yes. CAROLYN: I am going to suggest you swap seats with your bassoon. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Ah. MARTIN: Come on, Douglas. DOUGLAS: No. MARTIN: Please? DOUGLAS: Sorry. MARTIN: Just tell me! Ive gotta get my last Dwarf before Carolyn gets hers. DOUGLAS: Theres a phrase you dont hear so much since the dwarf-hunting ban. MARTIN: You dont have to say anything. Just show me your list. DOUGLAS: I couldnt possibly. I gave Carolyn Scouts honour. MARTIN: Youre not a Scout! DOUGLAS: You know what they say: once a Scout, always a Scout. MARTIN: You were never a Scout. DOUGLAS: You know what they say: never a Scout, always a Scout. MARTIN: Come on, Douglas! I just want to win something for once! DOUGLAS: Ah, well, if thats what you want . MARTIN: No. DOUGLAS: . lets see: twenty quid says . MARTIN: No. DOUGLAS: . the ATC at Warsaw is female. MARTIN: Douglas, I told you, Im not betting . Female? DOUGLAS: Yep. MARTIN: But theyre nearly all male. DOUGLAS: Well, then, youll probably win, wont you? MARTIN: You must know something. You must somehow know whos on duty. DOUGLAS: How could I possibly know a thing like that? So, are we on? MARTIN: Not for money. DOUGLAS (sighing): Have it your way. I bet you the cheese tray. MARTIN: Not the whole tray. The Emmental. DOUGLAS: The Brie. MARTIN: Fine. I bet you the Brie that Warsaw Control . is female. DOUGLAS: No, I said I bet shes female. MARTIN: I know you did, but since you dont know either way, you wont mind taking the more likely bet, will you? DOUGLAS: No. No, I wont. MARTIN: Good! Then I bet you shes female. DOUGLAS: Youre on. MARTIN (into radio): Warsaw Control, Golf Tango India. Could we have the latest Gdansk weather, please? WARSAW ATC (male): Golf Tango India . MARTIN: Oh! WARSAW ATC: Wind shifting twelve, three quarters visibility, scattered thunderclouds. MARTIN (furious): Bloody hell! WARSAW ATC: Well, Im sorry. Theyre quite little thunderclouds. MARTIN: Roger, Warsaw. (He switches off the radio.) I thought you knew it was a woman. DOUGLAS: No. I just relied on you assuming I did. Never mind, Martin. You lose some . (He pauses for a long moment.) DOUGLAS: . dont you? MARTIN: The expression is, “You win some, you lose some.” DOUGLAS: Thats the expression, yes. MARTIN: Come on, I win things sometimes. DOUGLAS: Do you, Captain? MARTIN: Y-Yes I do, First Officer. Dont forget that, hmm? If Im such a loser, how come Im the one with four stripes on my arm? DOUGLAS: Ah, there you have me. MARTIN: Well, I am, and thats when Im at work, mind you, not just round the house to impress my wife. DOUGLAS (furious): How dare you bring that up? MARTIN (embarrassed): Douglas . DOUGLAS: I revealed something deeply personal and private to you in a moment of vulnerability and you use it as a cheap shot. MARTIN: Im really sorry, Douglas. I didnt mean to . No, wait a minute, thats not what happened. You didnt reveal anything to me. I caught you out by accident after youd done everything you could to hide it. DOUGLAS: Nevertheless . MARTIN: No, theres no “nevertheless”. That makes it fair game. Hows it any different from all the things you constantly tease me about, like my height, or the number of goes I took to get my CPL, or the time I landed with the brakes on? DOUGLAS: Theyre all funny. MARTIN: Well, its funny you pretending to your wife youre a captain. It doesnt stop it being funny just because its about you. DOUGLAS: Yes it does. MARTIN: No it doesnt! (Service bell bongs five times.) CAROLYN: Ms Szyszko-Bohusz, we meet again. Dont be shy about ringing that service bell, by the way. I dont want you to be worried about annoying me. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Im not. CAROLYN: Now thats a weight off my mind. Now then, how can I help? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: What is this on my cashew nuts? CAROLYN: Are you . can you be pointing at the salt? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: This does not look like the salt I know! CAROLYN: And what does it look like? Tiny transparent hand grenades? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: It looks like broken glass! CAROLYN: Its salt! MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Salt does not look this way! Salt is little round balls. These are big jagged . CAROLYN: Oh, for pitys sake! (She snatches the packet from the tray.) CAROLYN: Satisfied? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: You have eaten my cashews. CAROLYN: I have eaten one of your cashews. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: There were only five in the packet. CAROLYN: Now there are only four. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Can I have more cashews? CAROLYN: My pleasure. With salt or broken glass? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Salt. With salt. Only with salt! CAROLYN: I will make a note of it. AMSTERDAM ATC: Golf Tango India, contact Maastricht on frequency one-two-six decimal five. (Silence.) AMSTERDAM ATC: Golf Tango India, this is Amsterdam, do you read me? (Silence.) AMSTERDAM ATC: Golf Tango India, this is Amsterdam. I say again, do you read me? (Sound of Martin violently and noisily exhaling. He gasps a couple of times.) MARTIN (breathless): Golf Tango India. Apologies, Amsterdam. Microphone intermittent. Roger Maastricht on one-two-six decimal five. (He groans as he catches his breath. Douglas exhales noisily.) DOUGLAS: Oh, bad luck, Captain. MARTIN: Look, that doesnt count. I was answering ATC. DOUGLAS: Sorry, Martin. The bet was just who could hold their breath longest. So thats the Brie, Roquefort and the squidgy one in the foil packet to me. (Martin groans plaintively.) DOUGLAS: Just the Emmental and the crackers still in play. (Cabin door opens.) ARTHUR: Coffee, gents? And, uh, message from Mum: have you forgotten to turn the seatbelt signs off, you pair of . Have you forgotten to turn the seatbelt signs off? DOUGLAS: No, no, not forgotten, no. ARTHUR: Oh! Passenger Derby?! DOUGLAS: We thought so, yes. ARTHUR: Great! Can I do the commentary? DOUGLAS: If youd be so kind. ARTHUR: Brilliant! Hang on. (He leaves the cabin. Beep from the intercom.) ARTHUR (over intercom): OK, chaps, ready. MARTIN: So this is for the Emmental? DOUGLAS: Well . Arthur? What are the puddings today? ARTHUR: Oh, um, strudel and cheesecake. DOUGLAS: Perfect. Martin, I see your Emmental and I raise you my cheesecake. MARTIN: I see your cheesecake with my strudel. DOUGLAS: Excellent! All right, Arthur, take us through the runners and riders. ARTHUR: Thank you, Douglas! Well, welcome to the five thirty-five from . up in the air. The conditions are perfect, the seatbelt signs been on for over forty minutes, Ive been round with the drinks trolley twice, and theyre really squirming for the off. The favourites, of course, are the runners in Row A today the trombone player who looks like Winston Churchill and the little clarinettist with the head thats too big for him. Who do you want, Skip? MARTIN: Who looks keenest? ARTHUR: Well, theyre both pretty wriggly. Uh, but the trombonist is making little meowing noises. MARTIN: Ill take him. ARTHUR: Uh, Douglas? DOUGLAS: Wheres the older lady in the Harry Potter glasses? ARTHUR: Uh, Row C. DOUGLAS: OK, Ill take her. I happened to watch her claiming overhead luggage space and it was a very promising display. Some really useful elbow work. MARTIN: Ah, well, its not fair if youve already . DOUGLAS: Too late. (Bing as he turns off the seatbelt sign.) ARTHUR: And theyre off! And its Trombone Churchill taking an early lead. He had his seatbelt undone behind his paper. Classic manoeuvre there. But hes slow out of the chair and its Little Bighead whos up in the aisle first. Little Bighead looking strong but, oh! Hes tangled with a stray cellist! And now Trombone Churchills making up ground! But whos this streaking up on the outside? Its Harry Potters Granny! Shes past Little Bighead, shes past Wandering Cellist! And in the final straight its neck and neck between Trombone Churchill and Potters Gran! Potters Gran and Trombone Churchill as they reach the door and oh! Trombone Churchill takes an elbow to the gut and its Potters Gran! Shes in and shes safe! DOUGLAS: Yes! MARTIN: Nooo! ARTHUR: Bad luck, Skip. Not your day. MARTIN: Not my life. ARTHUR: Good evening, madam. Beef or trout? FEMALE PASSENGER: Beef, please. ARTHUR: And for you, madam? Beef or trout? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Who are you? ARTHUR: Arthur. Oh, I mean, um, my name is Arthur, Im privileged to be serving yourself as part of your onboard team onboard today onboard. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: No. No, this is no good. Where is the old woman? ARTHUR: . Right. I dont know who you mean by that, madam, but I wouldnt call her an old woman. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ (calling out): Old woman! ARTHUR: Oh dear. (The service bell dings repeatedly.) CAROLYN: Yes, yes, yes, ring out wild bells in the wild sky. (The bell continues dinging.) CAROLYN: And who, I wonder, is the wild bell ringer? Who could it possibly be? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Its me, its me! See, my light is on! CAROLYN: And yet nobodys home. My dear Ms Szyszko-Bohusz, how can I help you? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: This boy. Who is this boy? I have not seen this boy before. CAROLYN: And your theory, no doubt, is that the Bassoonist Black-Hand Gang, having been cruelly foiled in the matter of the arm-rests and the cashew nuts, have sent him to serve you a poisoned trout. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Do you not believe I have enemies? CAROLYN: On the contrary, I find that astonishingly easy to believe. This, however, is not one of them. This is my son Arthur, and I promise you he couldnt hurt a fly. ARTHUR: Thanks, Mum! CAROLYN: Because the fly would outwit him. If you will excuse me, I have a violinist fight to arbitrate. Ooh, and Arthur, Goofy? ARTHUR: What? CAROLYN: The thing we were talking about earlier in the flight deck. The last one of seven. Its Goofy, isnt it? ARTHUR: Oh! No, Mum. Goofy! (He laughs.) MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: What was that? Whats going on? CAROLYN: Oh, nothing, nothing, doesnt matter. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Its a code, isnt it? What does it mean? Whats happening? CAROLYN: No, really, nothing. MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: Do you think I dont know about these codes? I know all about them. Inspector Sands: fire in the theatre. Mr. Westman: bomb on a train. Whats Goofy? CAROLYN: It was just a private drama . MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: What does it mean? You must tell me now. CAROLYN: Yes, youre quite right. Thats what we do. We alert crew to emergencies, not with the convenient intercom in the galley but by furtively whispering the names of Disney characters at each other. “Donald Duck” means lethal bird strike; “Dumbo” means pilots dropped his magic feather; “Shere Khan” means tiger in the flight deck . You happy now? MADAME SZYSZKO-BOHUSZ: No. What is Goofy? CAROLYN: Goofy is a cartoon cow. ARTHUR: Mum! Hes a dog! (Arthur enters the flight deck.) ARTHUR: Here we are, gents. Uh, cheesecake for you, Douglas, and strudel for you . Douglas. DOUGLAS: Thank you, Arthur, and thank you, Martin. MARTIN (sulky): Enjoy it. I didnt want it anyway. DOUGLAS: Isnt that luck