老友记第一季第一集台词.docx

老友记第一季 第一集 Scene:CentralPerk,Chandler,Joey,Phoebe,andMonicaarethere.Monica:Theresnothingtotell!HesjustsomeguyIworkwith!Joey:Cmon,youregoingoutwiththeguy!Theresgottabesomethingwrongwithhim!Chandler:AllrightJoey,benice.Sodoeshehaveahump?Ahumpandahairpiece?Phoebe:Wait,doesheeatchalk?(Theyallstare,bemused.)Phoebe:Just, cause,IdontwanthertogothroughwhatIwentthroughwithCarl-oh!Monica:Okay,everybodyrelax.Thisisnotevenadate.Itsjusttwopeoplegoingouttodinner and-nothavingsex.Chandler:Soundslikeadatetome.TimeLapseChandler:Alright,soImbackinhighschool,Imstandinginthemiddleofthecafeteria,andIrealizeIamtotallynaked.All:Oh,yeah.Hadthatdream.Chandler:ThenIlookdown,andIrealizetheresaphone.there.Joey:Insteadof.?Chandler:Thatsright.Joey:Neverhadthatdream.Phoebe:No.Chandler:Allofasudden,thephonestartstoring.NowIdontknowwhattodo,everybodystartslookingatme.Monica:Andtheywerentlookingatyoubefore?!Chandler:Finally,IfigureIdbetteranswerit,anditturnsoutitsmymother,whichisvery-very weird,because-shenevercallsme!TimeLapse,Rosshasentered.Ross: (mortified)Hi.Joey:Thisguysayshello,Iwannakillmyself.Monica:Areyouokay,sweetie?Ross:Ijustfeellikesomeonereacheddownmythroat,grabbedmysmallintestine,pulleditoutofmymouthandtieditaroundmyneck.Chandler:Cookie?Monica: (explainingtotheothers)Carolmovedherstuffouttoday.Joey:Ohh.Monica: (toRoss)Letmegetyousomecoffee.Ross:Thanks.Phoebe:Ooh!Oh! (ShestartstopluckattheairjustinfrontofRoss.)Ross:No,nodont!Stopcleansingmyaura!No,justleavemyauraalone,okay?Phoebe:Fine!Bemurky!Ross:Illbefine,alright?Really,everyone.Ihopeshellbeveryhappy.Monica:Noyoudont.Ross:NoIdont,tohellwithher,sheleftme!Joey:Andyouneverknewshewasalesbian.Ross:No!Okay?!Whydoeseveryonekeepfixatingonthat?Shedidntknow,howshouldIknow?Chandler:SometimesIwishIwasalesbian. (Theyallstareathim.)DidIsaythatoutloud?Ross:Itoldmomanddadlastnight,theyseemedtotakeitprettywell.Monica:Ohreally,sothathystericalphonecallIgotfromawomanatsobbing3:00A.M., Illneverhavegrandchildren,Illneverhavegrandchildren.waswhat?Awrongnumber?Ross:Sorry.Joey:AlrightRoss,look.Yourefeelingalotofpainrightnow.Youreangry.Yourehurting.CanItellyouwhattheansweris?(Rossgestureshisconsent.)Joey:Stripjoint!Cmon,youresingle!Havesomehormones!Ross:Idontwanttobesingle,okay?Ijust.Ijust-Ijustwannabemarriedagain!(Rachelentersinawetweddingdressandstartstosearchtheroom.)Chandler:AndIjustwantamilliondollars! (Heextendshishandhopefully.)Monica:Rachel?!Rachel:OhGodMonicahi!ThankGod!Ijustwenttoyourbuildingandyouwerentthereandthenthisguywithabighammersaidyoumightbehereandyouare,youare!Waitress:CanIgetyousomecoffee?Monica: (pointingatRachel)De-caff. (toAll)Okay,everybody,thisisRachel,anotherLincolnHighsurvivor. (toRachel)Thisiseverybody,thisisChandler,andPhoebe,andJoey,and-youremembermybrotherRoss?Rachel:Hi,sure!Ross:Hi.(TheygotohugbutRosssumbrellaopens.Hesitsbackdowndefeatedagain.AmomentofsilencefollowsasRachelsitsandtheothersexpecthertoexplain.)Monica:Soyouwannatellusnow,orarewewaitingforfourwetbridesmaids?Rachel:OhGod.well,itstartedaboutahalfhourbeforethewedding.Iwasintheroomwherewewerekeepingallthepresents,andIwaslookingatthisgravyboat.ThisreallygorgeousLamaugegravyboat.Whenallofasudden- (tothewaitressthatbroughthercoffee)SweetnLo?-IrealizedthatIwasmoreturnedonbythisgravyboatthanbyBarry!AndthenIgotreallyfreakedout,andthatswhenithitme:howmuchBarrylookslikeMr.PotatoHead.Yknow,Imean,Ialwaysknewlookedfamiliar,but.Anyway,Ijusthadtogetoutofthere,andIstartedwonderingWhyamIdoingthis,andwhoamIdoingthisfor?. (toMonica)SoanywayIjustdidntknowwheretogo,andIknowthatyouandIhavekindadriftedapart,butyouretheonlypersonIknewwholivedhereinthecity.Monica:Whowasntinvitedtothewedding.Rachel:Ooh,Iwaskindahopingthatwouldntbeanissue. Scene:MonicasApartment,everyoneisthereandwatchingaSpanishSoaponTVandaretryingtofigureoutwhatisgoingon.Monica:NowImguessingthatheboughtherthebigpipeorgan,andshesreallynothappyaboutit.Chandler: (imitatingthecharacters)Tunaoreggsalad?Decide!Ross: (inadeepvoice)IllhavewhateverChristineishaving.Rachel: (onphone)Daddy,Ijust.Icantmarryhim!Imsorry.Ijustdontlovehim.Well,itmatterstome!(ThesceneonTVhaschangedtoshowtwowomen,oneisholdingherhair.)Phoebe:IfIletgoofmyhair,myheadwillfalloff.Chandler: (reTV)Ooh,sheshouldnotbewearingthosepants.Joey:Isaypushherdownthestairs.Phoebe,Ross,Chandler,andJoey:Pushherdownthestairs!Pushherdownthestairs!Pushherdownthestairs!(Sheispusheddownthestairsandeveryonecheers.)Rachel:CmonDaddy,listentome!Itslike,itslike,allofmylife,everyonehasalwaystoldme,Youreashoe!Youreashoe,youreashoe,youreashoe!.AndtodayIjuststoppedandIsaid,WhatifIdontwannabeashoe?WhatifIwannabea-apurse,yknow?Ora-orahat!No,ImnotsayingIwantyoutobuymeahat,ImsayingIamaha-Itsametaphor,Daddy!Ross:Youcanseewherehedhavetrouble.Rachel:LookDaddy,itsmylife.WellmaybeIlljuststayherewithMonica.Monica:Well,IguessweveestablishedwhosstayingherewithMonica.Rachel:Well,maybethatsmydecision.Well,maybeIdontneedyourmoney.Wait!Wait,Isaid maybe!TimeLapse,Rachelisbreatingintoapaperbag.Monica:Justbreathe,breathe.thatsit.Justtrytothinkofnicecalmthings.Phoebe:(sings)Raindropsonrosesandrabbitsandkittens,(RachelandMonicaturntolookather.)bluebellsandsleighbellsand-somethingwithmittens.Lalalala.somethingandnoodleswithstring.Theseareafew.Rachel:Imallbetternow.Phoebe: (grinsandwalkstothekitchenandsaystoChandlerandJoey.)Ihelped!Monica:Okay,look,thisisprobablyforthebest,yknow?Independence.Takingcontrolofyourlife.Thewhole, hatthing.Joey:(comfortingher)Andhey,youneedanything,youcanalwayscometoJoey.MeandChandlerliveacrossthehall.Andhesawayalot.Monica:Joey,stophittingonher!Itsherweddingday!Joey:What,liketheresaruleorsomething?(ThedoorbuzzersoundsandChandlergetsit.)Chandler:Pleasedontdothatagain,itsahorriblesound.Paul: (overtheintercom)Its,uh,itsPaul.Monica:OhGod,isit6:30?Buzzhimin!Joey:WhosPaul?Ross:PaultheWineGuy,Paul?Monica:Maybe.Joey:Wait.YournotarealdatetonightiswithPaultheWineGuy?Ross:Hefinallyaskedyouout?Monica:Yes!Chandler:Ooh,thisisaDearDiarymoment.Monica:Rach,wait,Icancancel.Rachel:Please,no,go,thatdbefine!Monica: (toRoss)Are,areyouokay?Imean,doyouwantmetostay?Ross: (chokedvoice)Thatdbegood.Monica: (horrified)Really?Ross: (normalvoice)No,goon!ItsPaultheWineGuy!Phoebe:Whatdoesthatmean?Doeshesellit,drinkit,orjustcomplainalot? (Chandlerdoesntknow.)(TheresaknockonthedooranditsPaul.)Monica:Hi,comein!Paul,thisis. (Theyarealllinedupnexttothedoor.).everybody,everybody,thisisPaul.All:Hey!Paul!Hi!TheWineGuy!Hey!Chandler:Imsorry,Ididntcatchyourname.Paul,wasit?Monica:Okay,umm-umm,Illjust-Illberightback,Ijustgottagoah,goah.Ross:Awandering?Monica:Change!Okay,sitdown. (ShowsPaulin)Twoseconds.Phoebe:Ooh,Ijustpulledoutfoureyelashes.Thatcantbegood.(Monicagoestochange.)Joey:Hey,Paul!Paul:Yeah?Joey:Heresalittletip,shereallylikesitwhenyourubherneckinthesamespotoverandover andoveragainuntilitstartstogetalittlered.Monica: (yellingfromthebedroom)Shutup,Joey!Ross:SoRachel,whatreyou,uh.whatreyouuptotonight?Rachel:Well,IwaskindasupposedtobeheadedforArubaonmyhoneymoon,sonothing!Ross:Right,yourenotevengettingyourhoneymoon,God.No,no,although,Aruba,thistimeofyear.talkaboutyour-(thinks)-biglizards.Anyway,ifyoudontfeellikebeingalonetonight,JoeyandChandlerarecomingovertohelpmeputtogethermynewfurniture.Chandler: (deadpan)Yes,andwereveryexcitedaboutit.Rachel:Wellactuallythanks,butIthinkImjustgonnahangoutheretonight.Itsbeenkindaalongday.Ross:Okay,sure.Joey:HeyPheebs,youwannahelp?Phoebe:Oh,IwishIcould,butIdontwantto.CommercialBreakScene:TheSubway,Phoebeissingingforchange.Phoebe:(singing)Loveissweetassummershowers,loveisawondrousworkofart,butyourloveohyourlove,yourlove.islikeagiantpigeon.crappingonmyheart.La-la-la-la-la-(someguygiveshersomechangeandtothatguy)Thankyou. (sings)La-la-la-la.ohhh!Scene:RosssApartment,theguysarethereassemblingfurniture.Ross:(squattingandreadingtheinstructions)Imsupposedtoattachabracketythingtothesidethings,usingabunchoftheselittlewormguys.Ihavenobracketything,Iseenowhimguyswhatsoeverand-Icannotfeelmylegs.(JoeyandChandlerarefinishingassemblingthebookcase.)Joey:Imthinkingwevegotabookcasehere.Chandler:Itsabeautifulthing.Joey: (pickingupaleftoverpart)Whatsthis?Chandler:IwouldhavetosaythatisanL-shapedbracket.Joey:Whichgoeswhere?Chandler:Ihavenoidea.(JoeychecksthatRossisnotlookinganddumpsitinaplant.)Joey:Donewiththebookcase!Chandler:Allfinished!Ross:(clutchingabeercanandsniffing)ThiswasCarolsfavoritebeer.Shealwaysdrankitoutofthecan,Ishouldhaveknown.Joey:Hey-hey-hey-hey,ifyouregonnastartwiththatstuffwereouttahere.Chandler:Yes,pleasedontspoilallthisfun.Joey:Ross,letmeaskyouaquestion.Shegotthefurniture,thestereo,thegoodTV-whatdidyouget?Ross:Youguys.Chandler:Oh,God.Joey:Yougotscrewed.Chandler:OhmyGod!Scene:ARestaurant,MonicaandPaulareeating.Monica:OhmyGod!Paul:Iknow,Iknow,Imsuchanidiot.IguessIshouldhavecaughtonwhenshestartedgoingtothedentistfourandfivetimesaweek.Imean,howcleancanteethget?Monica:Mybrothersgoingthroughthatrightnow,hessuchamess.Howdidyougetthroughit?Paul:Well,youmighttryaccidentallybreakingsomethingvaluableofhers,sayher-Monica: -leg?Paul: (laughing)Thatsoneway!Me,I-Iwentforthewatch.Monica:Youactuallybrokeherwatch?Wow!TheworstthingIeverdidwas,I-Ishreddedbyboyfriendsfavoritebathtowel.Paul:Ooh,steerclearofyou.Monica:Thatsright. Scene:MonicasApartment,Rachelistalkingonthephoneandpacing.Rachel:Barry,Imsorry.Iamsosorry.IknowyouprobablythinkthatthisisallaboutwhatIsaidtheotherdayaboutyoumakinglovewithyoursockson,butitisnt.itisnt,itsaboutme,andIju-(Shestopstalkinganddialsthephone.)Hi,machinecutmeoffagain.anyway.look,look,Iknowthatsome girlisgoingtobeincrediblyluckytobecomeMrs.BarryFinkel,butitisntme,itsnotme.AndnotthatIhaveanyideawhomeisrightnow,butyoujusthavetogivemeachancetoo. (Themachingcutsheroffagainandsheredials.)Scene:RosssApartment;RossispacingwhileJoeyandChandlerareworkingonsomemorefurniture.Ross:Imdivorced!Imonly26andImdivorced!Joey:Shutup!Chandler:Youmuststop! (Chandlerhitswhatheisworkingonwithahammeranditcollapses.)Ross:Thatonlytookmeanhour.Chandler:Look,Ross,yougottaunderstand,betweenuswehaventhadarelationshipthathaslastedlongerthanaMento.You,howeverhavehadtheloveofawomanforfouryears.Fouryearsofclosenessandsharingattheendofwhichsherippedyourheartout,andthatiswhywedontdoit!Idontthinkthatwasmypoint!Ross:Youknowwhatthescariestpartis?Whatiftheresonlyonewomanforeverybody,yknow?Imeanwhatifyougetonewoman-andthatsit?Unfortunatelyinmycase,therewasonlyonewoman-forher. Joey:Whatareyoutalkingabout?Onewoman?Thatslikesayingtheresonlyoneflavoroficecream foryou.Lemmetellyousomething,Ross.Thereslotsofflavorsoutthere.TheresRockyRoad,andCookieDough,andBing!CherryVanilla.YoucouldgetemwithJimmies,ornuts,orwhippedcream!Thisisthebestthingthateverhappenedtoyou!Yougotmarried,youwere,like,what,eight?Welcomebacktotheworld!Grabaspoon!Ross:IhonestlydontknowifImhungryorhorny.Chandler:Stayoutofmyfreezer! Scene:ARestaurant,MonicaandPaularestilleating.Paul:Eversinceshewalkedoutonme,I,uh.Monica:What?.What,youwannaspellitoutwithnoodles?Paul:No,its,itsmoreofafifthdatekindarevelation.Monica:Oh,sothereisgonnabeafifthdate?Paul:Isntthere?Monica:Yeah.yeah,Ithinkthereis. -Whatwereyougonnasay?Paul:Well,ever-ev-.eversincesheleftme,um,Ihaventbeenableto,uh,perform. (Monicatakesasipofherdrink.) .Sexually.Monica: (spittingoutherdrinkinshock)OhGod,ohGod,Iamsorry.Iamsosorry.Paul:Itsokay.Monica:Iknowbeingspitonisprobablynotwhatyouneedrightnow.Um.howlong?Paul:Twoyears.Monica:Wow!Im-Im-Imgladyousmashedherwatch!Paul:Soyoustillthinkyou,um.mightwantthatfifthdate?Monica: (pause).Yeah.Yeah,Ido.Scene:MonicasApartment,RacheliswatchingJoanneLovesChaci.PriestonTV:WearegatheredheretodaytojoinJoanneLouiseCunninghamandCharles,Chachi-Chachi-Chachi,Arcolaintheboundofholymatrimony.Rachel:Oh.see.butJoannelovedChachi!Thatsthedifference!Scene:RosssApartment,theyreallsittingaroundandtalking.Ross:(scornful)Grabaspoon.DoyouknowhowlongitsbeensinceIvegrabbedaspoon?DothewordsBilly,dontbeaheromeananythingtoyou?Joey:Greatstory!But,Iuh,Igottago,IgotadatewithAndrea-Angela-Andrea.Ohman, (lookstoChandler)Chandler:Angelasthescreamer,Andreahascats.Joey:Right.Thanks.ItsJune.Imouttahere. (Exits.)Ross:Yknow,heresthething.EvenifIcouldgetittogetherenoughto-toaskawomanout,.whoamIgonnaask? (Hegazesoutofthewindow.)CuttoRachelstaringoutofherwindow.CommercialBreakScene:MonicasApartment,RachelismakingcoffeeforJoeyandChandler.Rachel:Isntthisamazing?Imean,Ihavenevermadecoffeebeforeinmyentirelife.Chandler:Thatisamazing.Joey:Congratulations.Rachel:Yknow,IfigureifIcanmakecoffee,thereisntanythingIcantdo.Chandler:IfcaninvadePoland,thereisntanythingIcantdo.Joey:Listen,whileyoureonaroll,ifyoufeellikeyougottamakelikeaWesternomeletorsomething. (JoeyandChandlertastethecoffee,grimace,andpouritintoaplantpot.)AlthoughactuallyImreallynotthathungry.Monica: (entering,toherself)Ohgood,LennyandSquigyarehere.All:Morning.Goodmorning.Paul: (enteringfromMonicasroom)Morning.Joey:Morning,Paul.Rachel:Hello,Paul.Chandler:Hi,Paul,isit?(MonicaandPaulwalktothedoorandtalkinalowvoicesotheotherscanthear.TheothersmoveMonicastableclosertothedoorsothattheycan.)Paul:Thankyou!Thankyousomuch!Monica:Stop!Paul:No,Imtellingyoulastnightwaslikeumm,allmybirthdays,bothgraduations,plusthebarnraisingsceneinWitness.Monica:Welltalklater.Paul:Yeah. (Theykiss)Thankyou. (Exits)Joey:Thatwasntarealdate?!Whatthehelldoyoudoonarealdate?Monica:Shutup,andputmytableback.All:Okayyy! (Theydoso.)Chandler:Allright,kids,Igottagettowork.IfIdontinputthosenumbers,.itdoesntmakemuchofadifference.Rachel:So,like,youguysallhavejobs?Monica:Yeah,weallhavejobs.See,thatshowwebuystuff.Joey:Yeah,Imanactor.Rachel:Wow!WouldIhaveseenyouinanything?Joey:Idoubtit.Mostlyregionalwork.Monica:Ohwait,wait,unlessyouhappenedtocatchtheRerunsproductionofPinocchio,atthelittletheaterinthepark.Joey:Look,itwasajoballright?Chandler: Look,Gippetto,Imarealliveboy.Joey:Iwillnottakethisabuse. (Walkstothedoorandopensittoleave.)Chandler:Youreright,Imsorry. (Burstintosonganddancesoutofthedoor.) OnceIwasawoodenboy,alittlewoodenboy.Joey:Youshouldbothknow,thathesadeadman.Oh,Chandler? (StartsafterChandler.)Monica:Sohowyoudoingtoday?Didyousleepokay?TalktoBarry?Icantstopsmiling.Rachel:Icanseethat.Youlooklikeyousleptwithahangerinyourmouth.Monica:Iknow,hesjustso,so.DoyourememberyouandTonyDeMarco?Rachel:Oh,yeah.Monica:Well,itslikethat.Withfeelings.Rachel:Ohwow.Areyouintrouble.Monica:Bigtime!Rachel:Wantaweddingdress?Hardlyused.Monica:Ithinkwearegettingalittleaheadofselveshere.