Cabin Pressure - Limerick.doc

CABIN PRESSURE Series 2, Episode 6: Limerick (Bing-Bong)DOUGLAS: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, were now about half way through our flight from Hong Kong to Limerick. And I just thought Id let you know that I am bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored! Were, unbelievably, still flying over Russia, which continues to be stupidly big, really enormous, far bigger than necessary. Weve been in the air now for about a week. It doesnt look like well be landing until the last syllable of recorded time. So if anyone on board knows any card tricks, ghost stories or would like to have some sex, please do make your way to the flight deck. Thank you.MARTIN: Err, ladies and gentlemen, I doI do profoundly apologize for my first officer and his badly misjudged attempt at humour. I do hope you werent distressed by his outburst. And, and let me just say, in his defence, that up here in the flight deck it is unbelievably bor-ring!DOUGLAS: So boring!MARTIN: So very, very, very, boring!DOUGLAS & MARTIN: Bored!(Opening credits -This week: Limerick) MARTIN: Why does Tipperary always get the blame for it being a long way to? Its an even longer way to Limerick.DOUGLAS: Only by about that 30 miles.MARTIN: Dont suppose they sing about it much there then.DOUGLAS: What? Where?MARTIN: Its a long way to Tipperary. In Limerick, well they probably have their own version. Its a short way to Tipperary. Im just popping up there now actually. Can I get you anything?DOUGLAS: Theyre certainly both a hell of long way from Hong Kong.MARTIN: Thats true. And all just for this (patting at a box). And youd think they could pop it in the post, wouldnt you?DOUGLAS: Well, its time sensitive of course. And the chap was telling me its more valuable ounce for ounce than gold. Rhymes for flight (game).MARTIN: Bite, Fight, Night, Right.DOUGLAS: Ah, yes, heres one. (over intercom) Ladies and gentlemen, were just flying over Gloucestershire now. You may be able to make out a town below, though its quite hard to identify through the cloud cover. Or as they say, in Limerick. We hope youre enjoying the flight. On your left, were just coming in sight of Swindon or Stroud, all covered in cloud. And its much the same thing on the right.MARTIN: Davina McCallDOUGLAS: Yes, fair enough. You can have that. ARTHUR: Hi, chaps. Nice one, Douglas. Just to settle an argument though.CAROLYN: Its not an argument. Its you being wrong.ARTHUR: Just settling me being wrong. Are we really over Swindon and Stroud?DOUGLAS: No, Arthur, not for hours yet.CAROLYN: Told you, clot.DOUGLAS: Wishful thinking, Im afraid. And I felt Swindon and Stroud might be easier to rhyme than Krasnoar meysk and Vyshny Volochyok.ARTHUR: Oh, right. “Myshny Molomyok”, “Gyshny Gologyok”, “Chyshny Cholochyok”. Yes, see what you mean, “Vyshny VoloVyok” (rhyme game).DOUGLAS: Yes, maybe we could leave you to go through the rest of the alphabet off the intercom?ARTHUR: Ok. Oh, before I go though, whats the time?MARTIN: Wheres your watch?ARTHUR: Its broken. I was trying to find out the difference between splashproof and waterproof.MARTIN: Well, Arthur, the time is just coming up to 9:16, now.DOUGLAS: Yes, or to be a little bit more precise, 6:33.MARTIN: No, it isnt.DOUGLAS: Yes, it is.MARTIN: No it - Damn, its done it again.DOUGLAS: You see, Arthur, you and Martin have something in common.ARTHUR: Brilliant!DOUGLAS: Its that both of your watches are broken.MARTIN: No, it isnt. Its just bedding in.CAROLYN: Arthur, its an intercom, not a chat line. Youre supposed to be putting the dinner on.ARTHUR: Oh, right. Sorry, Mum.MARTIN: Its just because you cant bear to admit that I picked up a genuine Patek Philippe for almost nothing.DOUGLAS: In Hong Kong.MARTIN: Look, Im not stupid. I realizes most of the watches in shops like that are fakes. Thats why I went for this one. This this was the one he didnt want to show me.DOUGLAS: Oh, yes?MARTIN: Yes, you see. At first he got out his standard tourist trap tray of ROOLEXs and OBEGAs (fakes) . I just said to him, “Look, Im not a tourist. Im an airline pilot.”DOUGLAS: You shouldve told him you were a captain.MARTIN: I did actually.DOUGLAS: Imagine my surprise.MARTIN: No, but I was too clever for him. I spotted this one right at the back of high shelf. He said, “Oh, I was hoping you would not see that.”DOUGLAS: Oh, did he? Gosh, so just clarify for me, why did he have it in his shop?MARTIN: What?DOUGLAS: Why did he put something that he hoped he wouldnt have to sell in his shop? Why not put it, I dont know, under his bed? Is it like a forfeit system he set up for himself?CAROLYN: Evening, drivers. Oh. isnt that a lovely sunset?DOUGLAS & MARTIN (simultaneously): No, its not!CAROLYN: Oh, all right. Now, Douglas, give me a Bing-Bong.DOUGLAS: Oh, but Carolyn, this is all so sudden.CAROLYN: Oh, hoho, funny pilot, Bing-Bong, please. (over intercom) Ladies and gentlemen, the captain has now illuminated the seat belt sign, so please ensure your hand baggage and duty-free are safely stowed, your tray tables are folded away and your seat is returned to the upright position. Or as they say, in Limerick. The captain has turned on the signs, so stow away bags of all kinds. Then make sure your tray is folded away and your seat back no longer reclines.DOUGLAS: Yes. Do I take it as youre bored back there as were up here?CAROLYN: Well, honestly, 14 hours with the broken DVD player, no passengers to tease, and the ever present fear that Ill weaken and let Arthur play charades.MARTIN: No!DOUGLAS: You must be strong. That might well make the boredom levels actually fatal.CAROLYN: I know. Well, havent you two got a game going or something?MARTIN: Just started one actually. Agatha Christie.DOUGLAS: Yes, true. Russell Crowe.MARTIN: Good one.CAROLYN: What is it?MARTIN: Its people who arent evil but have evil-sounding names. Like Russel Crowe.CAROLYN: Whats wrong with Russell Crowe?MARTIN: Russell Crowe! (in evils voice)DOUGLAS: Russell Crowe! (in evils voice)CAROLYN: No, no, no, noRussell Crowe, here to save the day.DOUGLAS: Mark me well. Soon youll rue the day you dared to cross Russell Crowe!CAROLYN: All right, then yes.MARTIN: So far Douglas has got him, and I got Agfa Christie and Davina McCall.CAROLYN: Because obviously it has to be a competition.DOUGLAS: Of course. Its who can get most in half an hour ending at seven as measured by Martins watch, which adds a pleasingly random element.MARTIN: No, it doesnt.CAROLYN: Evelyn Waugh.DOUGLAS: Not bad.ARTHUR: Coffee, chaps. Wow, brilliant sunset!MARTIN: No, it isntDOUGLAS (simultaneously as Martin): No, its not.ARTHUR: Oh, okay, rubbish sunset.MARTIN: Arthur, “M”.ARTHUR: What? Oh! Mountain, Moccasin, Magma.CAROLYN: Whats this now?DOUGLAS: Arthurs trying to learn the phonetic alphabet. He favors the spot-check method of revision and none of the above Arthur, no.ARTHUR: Err, Molecule, Mongoose, MosquitoMARTIN: Shorter.ARTHUR: Mosque!CAROLYN: Its a name.ARTHUR: Macnamara, Mitchison, Moon.DOUGLAS: A first name.ARTHUR: Martin, Maggie, Milly, Molly, Mandy, Matthew, Michael.CAROLYN: Nearly, shorter.ARTHUR: Micky, Mick, Mi, Mo!MARTIN: No, Arthur, the phonetic alphabet version of letter M is not “Mo”. Its Mike.ARTHUR: I was close then.MARTIN: In comparison to Molecule, Milly, Molly, Mandyyes.ARTHUR: Brilliant! Anyway, like I say, coffee?CAROLYN: Careful! Dont put it on that.ARTHUR: Sorry, sorry, why? Whats that?CAROLYN: That is the cargo, the whole reason we are here.ARTHUR: Wow! That, that box, thats all? Whats in it?DOUGLAS: Guess.ARTHUR: Oh, great!CAROLYN: This could take a whileDOUGLAS: If theres one thing weve got, its a while. Go on, Arthur, 20 questions.ARTHUR: Yes, brilliant. 20 questions. Or, charades?OTHERS: No!ARTHUR: But Ive got I really got a good one. Oh, all right. Is it a diamond?MARTIN: No, 19.ARTHUR: Is it a ruby?MARTIN: No, 18.DOUGLAS: You might want to start with more general questions, Arthur.ARTHUR: Ok, animal, vegetable or mineral?MARTIN: Animal, 17.ARTHUR: Right. Is it bigger than a sheep?CAROLYN: Look at the size of the boxARTHUR: Oh, yeah, is it bigger than the box?DOUGLAS: Is it bigger than the box its inNo, its not. 15.ARTHUR: Is it alive?DOUGLAS: Ah, interesting. Debatable. 14.MARTIN: Really, debatable?DOUGLAS: Wouldnt you say?MARTIN: Oh, yeah, I suppose so, yes.ARTHUR: Is it valuable?CAROLYN: No, of course not! The client just chartered a plane and two pilots to fly a packet of crisps half around the world. Arthur, you remember when I told you to put the dinner on?ARTHUR: YeahCAROLYN: Did you in fact do that?ARTHUR: No, no now I think about it. I got mixed up and made coffee.CAROLYN: Yeah, perhaps. Then perhaps you could have another crack-at-it now.ARTHUR: Right-o, what are we having?CAROLYN: Admirals pie.ARTHUR: Ok, is that the same as the Fishermans pie?CAROLYN: No, its not. The Admiral and Fisherman favor, entirely different pies.ARTHUR: Right so, how long does it get in the micro?CAROLYN: 3 minutes, 1 minute, 3 minutes.ARTHUR: Ok!DOUGLAS: I dont know when Ive looked forward to a meal more.CAROLYN: Oh, be quiet!CAROLYN: Is it me or is the sun not getting any lower?DOUGLAS: No, its not just you.MARTIN: Because were flying west into a sunset near the Arctic circle.DOUGLAS: Every time it just dips behind the horizon. ATC makes us climb a thousand feet and up it pops again like Gods own fiery yo-yo.ARTHUR: Sorry, Mum, did you say 1 minute, 3 minutes, 1 minute?CAROLYN: Oh, for goodness sake, no, of course not. What cooks for 1 minute and stands for 3? Its 3, 1, 3!ARTHUR: Oh, right. Ok, actually I think thats easy to remember because Ill just think of 4-3-3 squadron and only remember to swap the first two numbers and take 3 off the middle one.CAROLYN: Arthur, are you insane? Thats the stupidest way to remember anything Ive ever heard.MARTIN: Also its not 4-3-3 squadron. Its 6-3-3 squadron.ARTHUR: Oh, yeah, thanks, Skipper. So first Ive got to add 2 to the first squadron I think it is, to get the real squadron, and then swap.CAROLYN: No, dont do any of that. Just remember it. Just use your brain and remember the three numbers.ARTHUR: Yes, sorry. 3, 3.CAROLYN: No! Oh, come with me. MARTIN: So, hows Helena?DOUGLAS: What do you mean? What are you getting at?MARTIN: Im asking after the health of your wife.DOUGLAS: Oh yes, as a preparation for a crack about her thinking what she thinks.MARTIN: No, as a way finding out how she is.DOUGLAS: Shes fine.MARTIN: Good. Why are you suddenly soDOUGLAS: Im not suddenly anything. Anyway, hows yourMARTIN: My what?DOUGLAS: I dont know. There must be someone by now. No?MARTIN: No, still no.DOUGLAS: Oh, Martin! Youre a young single airline captain. How difficult can it be?MARTIN: Really, really difficult.DOUGLAS: Well what about cabin crew?MARTIN: Hmm, well, for two very different reasons, Im afraid neither Arthur nor Carolyn quite float my boat.DOUGLAS: Not our cabin crew. Everybody elses. All those gorgeous stewardesses down route.MARTIN: Actually I think the whole “Hosties easy” thing is a bit of sexist male fantasy.DOUGLAS: No, its not.MARTIN: Oh, right, you pull stewardesses all the time then, do you?DOUGLAS: Certainly not. Im a happily married man.MARTIN: Yes, right, but you have done.DOUGLAS: More than you can possibly imagine.MARTIN: Well, thats not true for a start. I can imagine a thousand stewardesses.DOUGLAS: And your point is?ARTHUR: Err, chaps, two quick things.DOUGLAS: “J”.ARTHUR: Oh! Justin, Jeffery, Jilly, Jenny, Georgina.MARTIN: Its one half of a famous pair of lovers.ARTHUR: June!DOUGLAS: If you can imagine such a thing, a pair of lovers even more famous than Terry and June.MARTIN: Romeo andARTHUR: Jumeo! Juleo! Juliet!MARTIN: Yes!ARTHUR: I got that quite quickly, didnt I?DOUGLAS: Quite quickly?!ARTHUR: Yeah. Now, yeah, two things. First, Douglas, what was that place again?DOUGLAS: What place?ARTHUR: The one we were over. The one you said I couldnt rhymeDOUGLAS: Oh, err, Vshnny Volochyok.ARTHUR: Yeah, well, I thought, what if, you had a musical instrument, right? And you wanted to make sure there werent any sea-creatures on it.DOUGLAS: Yes?ARTHUR: You do a fish-free oboe check.DOUGLAS: YesNot bad. Not good though.ARTHUR: Is it human?MARTIN: What?ARTHUR: The thing in the box? Is it human, like part of the body?MARTIN: Oh, no, 12.ARTHUR: All right. So its animal, not human, valuable, smaller than the box its in, and may or may not be alive.DOUGLAS: Like Schrodingers Cat.ARTHUR: Is it Schrodingers Cat?MARTIN: No! 11.ARTHUR: Is it an animal?MARTIN: No, 10.ARTHUR: a plant?MARTIN: No, 9.ARTHUR: But it might be alive?MARTIN: Yes 8.ARTHUR: Is it magic?CAROLYN: Arthur, why is there a half cooked Admirals pie congealing in the microwave?ARTHUR: Oh, I forgot about it. It was just having its little rest in the middle, because otherwise it goes bubbly at the edges, and youll have toCAROLYN: Yes. Thank you. Heston Blumenthal! Just sort it out.ARTHUR: Right-o. DOUGLAS: Heston Blumenthal.CAROLYN: Yes, you know the chef.DOUGLAS: Yes, I know. I meant, Heston Blumenthal (in evils voice).MARTIN: Oh! Yes, of course. Damn.CAROLYN: But that was mine.DOUGLAS: Finders, keepers.CAROLYN: AhAll right. Calista Flockhart.MARTIN: Yes, very good.DOUGLAS: No, no, I dont think so.CAROLYN: What do you mean? Tremble, puny mortals, for Im she who is known as Calista Flockhart (in scary tones).DOUGLAS: Well you can do any name in the voice. But theres nothing wrong with it. ItsWell, Calista is from the Latin for beautiful. And Flockhart, what could be nicer than the flock of hearts?CAROLYN: Calistas suggesting callouses and blisters, Flocks suggesting flog, pluck and pick. Calista Flockhart, the calloused and blistered one who comes to flog and pluck your heart.DOUGLAS: Nonsense.MARTIN: Just because she reminds you of one of your old girlfriends.DOUGLAS: Well, not so much reminds me of.MARTIN: I dont believe it.DOUGLAS: Speaking of which, Martin, have you though about Internet dating?MARTIN: Douglas!DOUGLAS: What? Theres no stigma to it these days?MARTIN: Douglas! Carolyns here.DOUGLAS: Oh, were all friends here. You should try it.MARTIN: WellI had looked at a site once. But you have to go on all about your hobbies and outside interests then, andyou know.DOUGLAS: Yes, not your strong suit.MARTIN: Anyway, I dont want all the weight of expectations. I just want to find a nice natural low stakes way to meet people.CAROLYN: I find walking the dog works rather well. Oh, hello! Ive finally found the flight deck mute button, have I? Any particular reason it should be so surprising that I might be interested in meeting someone too?MARTIN: No, not at all.DOUGLAS: No, of course not.CAROLYN: As I say, I can wholly recommend having a dog around. Anyone with a dog is allowed to talk to anyone else with a dog. Its like a secret loophole for allowing the English to talk to strangers. What I dont so much recommend is having your 29-year-old son living at home with you. Its a big house of course. He has his own part of it. But even so, a house containing Arthur is very difficult to mistake for an empty house. Yeah, none of this is any business of yours, miserable underlings.DOUGLAS: No, it was wrong of us to ask.CAROLYN: Yes! Well, things to do (slams the door).DOUGLAS: WellMARTIN: Well MARTIN: Arthur, “F”.ARTHUR: Oh, Fox.DOUGLAS: Nearly.ARTHUR: Foxes.MARTIN: Fox something? Fox what?ARTHUR: Foxwhat? Foxhat, Foxhead, Foxclock, Foxface, Foxbox.MARTIN: No, not foxbox! Its a type of dance.ARTHUR: Tango!MARTIN: No, the phonetic alphabet for F is not Tango.DOUGLAS: Foxtrot.ARTHUR: Oh I nearly said that. I got the fox-bit.MARTIN: Well done!ARTHUR: Anyway, I just popped in to ask, is it manmade?MARTIN: What?ARTHUR: The thing in the box, is it made by a man?MARTIN: Oh, no.ARTHUR: Is it made by an animal?MARTIN: You see, thats really a stupid question that you just happened to have got lucky with yes.ARTHUR: Brilliant! How many have I got left?MARTIN: Dont know, about 10?ARTHUR: Ok. Is it made by bees?MARTIN: No, 9.ARTHUR: Worms?MARTIN: No, 8.ARTHUR: Dogs?MARTIN: No, 7.ARTHUR: Tigers?MARTIN: No, 6. Are you sure this is the line of questioning you want to pursue?ARTHUR: Yes. Bears?MARTIN: No, 5.ARTHUR: Horses?MARTIN: No.DOUGLAS: Err, MartinMARTIN: Oh, yes. It is made by horses.ARTHUR: Brilliant. Now then, what do horses make?CAROLYN: Arthur, pie!ARTHUR: Yes, sorry. Excuse me, chaps. MARTIN: Douglas, look! At last the suns almost gone again.DOUGLAS: Oh, yes, there it goes. Come on, you big red sod set, damn you!MARTIN: There it goes. Come onCome onDOUGLAS: Tell you what, descending 50 feet. And, Gone!MARTIN: Thats better. OhIsnt it lovely dark?DOUGLAS: Hmm, the sun has taken his hat off. Hip, h