幽默故事精选.pptx

Selectivecollectionofhumorousstories,Jerryburns,ChibiNoIMiddleSchoolJuly2014,1.OnourwaytoaweddinginVermont,myhusbandandIrealizedwehadforgottenourcamera.Westoppedatageneralstoreand,hopingtobuyacheap,disposable(一次性的)model.Salaskedtheowner,Doyouhaveanyofthosethrowaway(=disposable)cameras?“Look,fella(=fellow),repliedtheowner,Idontcarehowyoudealwithitafteryoubuyit.,2.Sellingsecondhandbooksatourchurchshops,Igotintoanargumentwithapossiblecustomer.Hewasinterestedinbuying“ThePocketBookofOgdenNash”,butsaiditwasoverpricedat35cents.Otherpaperbacksweresellingfortenor15centseach.Ipointedoutthatthebookwasingoodcondition.Nashwasafunpoet(诗人),anditwasforagoodreason.Hesaiditwasamatterofprinciple(原则).Finally,Iagreedtosellhimthebookfor15cents.Excited,hepaidwitha$10bill.Keepthechange,hesaid.,3.Fourfriendswerearguingoverwhosedogwasthesmartest.Thefirstman,anengineer,calledtohisdog,TSquare,showyourthing.Thedogwalkedovertoadesk,pulledoutapaperandpencil,anddrewaperfecttriangle(三角形).Thenextguy,anaccountant(会计),calledtohisdog,SlideRule,goahead.Thedogwenttothekitchen,bitopenedabagofcookiesanddividedthecontentsintofourequalpiles.Thenextman,achemist,askedhisdog,Beaker,toshowwhathecoulddo.Thedogwenttothefridge,tookoutaquart(夸脱)ofmilkandpouredoutexactlyeightyounces(盎司)intoameasuringcup.Thelastmanwasagovernmentworker.“CoffeeBreak,”hecalledhisdog,“gotoit.”Withthat,thedogjumpedtohisfeet,soiled(弄脏)thepaper,atethecookiesanddrankthemilk.,4.Threefamoussurgeonswerebragging(吹嘘)abouttheirskills.Amancametomewhohadhishandcutoff,saidone.Todaythatmanisaconcertviolinist.Thatsnothing,saidanother.Aguycametomewhohadhislegscutoff.Istitchedthembackon,andtodaythatmanisamarathon(马拉松)runner.Icantopbothofyou,saidthethird.OnedayIcameonthesceneofaterribleaccident.Therewasnothingleftbutahorsesposterior(屁股)andapairofglasses.TodaythatmanisseatedinUnitedStatesSenate(参议院).,5.Itwasatafiveoclocktea.Ayoungmancametothehostesstoapologizeforhislateness.“Sogoodofyoutocome,Mr.Jones,andwhereisyourbrother?”“Youseewereverybusyintheofficeandonlyoneofuscouldcome,sowetossed(掷钱币决定)upforit.”“Hownice!Andsooriginal,too!Andyouwon?”“No,”saidtheyoungmanabsently(心不在焉地),“Ilost.”,6.Awealthywomanissoproudofavaluableantiquevase(花瓶)thatshedecidestohaveherbedroompaintedthesamecolorasthevase.Severalpainterstrytomatchtheshade,butnonecomescloseenoughtosatisfythewoman.Eventually,apainterapproacheswhoisconfidenthecanmixthepropercolor.Thewomanispleasedwiththeresult,andthepainterbecomesfamous.Yearslater,heretiresandturnsthebusinessovertohisson.Dad,saystheson,theressomethingIvegottoknow.Howdidyougetthosewallstomatchthevasesoperfectly?Son,thefatherreplies,Ipaintedthevase.,7.Seriouslyill,amanwenttothedoctorwithhiswife.Aftertheexaminationthephysicianmotionedforthewifetomeethiminthehallway.Yourhusbandisverysick,thedoctorsaid,buttherearethreethingsyoucandotoensurehissurvival.First,fixhimthreehealthful,deliciousmealsaday.Next,givehimastress-freeenvironment,anddontcomplainaboutanything.Finally,makepassionatelovetohimeveryday.Onthedrivehomethehusbandasked,Whatdidthedoctorsay?Imsorry,shesaid,butyourenotgoingtomakeit.,8.Afriendofminehadbeenwantingnewkitchencabinets(储藏柜)foralongtime,butherhusbandinsistedtheywereanextravagance(奢侈).Shewenttovisithermotherfortwoweeks,andwhenshereturned,shewasoverjoyedtofindthatbeautifulnewcabinetshadbeenequipped.Afewdayslateraneighborcameovertovisitmyfriend.Afteradmiringthenewcabinets,theneighboradded,Allofusweresogladthatthefireyourhusbandhadwhileyouweregonewaslimitedtothekitchen.,9.Thefried-chickenrestaurantwhereIwasworkinghadabigrushjustbeforeclosingoneday,leavinguswithnothingtosellbutwings.AsIwasabouttolockthedoors,aquietlyintoxicated(喝醉酒的)customercameinandordereddinner.WhenIaskedifwingswouldbeallright,heleanedoverthecounter(柜台)andreplied,Lady,Icameinheretoeat,notfly.,10.Bobwashavingtroublegettingtosleepatnight.Hewenttoseehisdoctor,whoprescribed(开处方)someextra-strongsleepingpills.SundaynightBobtookthepills,sleptwellandwasawakebeforeheheardthealarm.Hetookhistimegettingtotheoffice,walkedinandsaidtohisboss:Ididnthaveabitoftroublegettingupthismorning.Thatsfine,roared(吼)theboss,butwherewereyouMondayandTuesday?,11.Adogownerclaimedthathispet,whengivenmoney,wouldgotothenewsstalltobuyapaper.Hisfriendinsistedonademonstrationandhandedthedogsomemoney.Thedogranoff,butanhourlaterhehadstillnotreturnedwiththepaper.Howmuchdidyougivehim?askedtheowner.Fivedollars.Well,thatexplainsit.Whenyougivehimfivedollars,hegoestoamovie.,12.Professorwasgivingabigtestonedaytohisstudents.Hehandedoutallofthetestsandwentbacktohisdesktowait.Oncethetestwasoverthestudentsallhandedthetestsbackin.Theprofessornoticedthatoneofthestudentshadattacheda$100billtohistestwithanotesayingAdollarperpoint.Thenextclasstheprofessorhandedthetestsbackout.Thisstudentgotbackhistestand$64change.,13.Anovice(新手)liontamerwasbeinginterviewed.Iunderstandyourfatherwasalsoaliontamer,thereporterqueried.Yes,hewas,themanreplied.Doyouactuallyputyourheadinthelionsmouth?Ididitonlyonce,saidthenewtamer,tolookforDad.,14.Topreventourdog,Lacy,fromfrighteningvisitorstoourhouse,mymotheroftenmassaged(按摩)herassherestedbeneaththekitchentable,herfavoriterestingspot.Onedayacontracto