English jokes

English jokes(一)boyfriend wants to have sex with his girlfriend, but ashamed of his small organ.decided to bring girlfriend in dark place, open his zipper and put penis in GFs hand.GF: no thanks ,i dont smoke!A husband said to his wife, I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it. The wife said to her husband, I will take a photo of your pennies and enlarge it. Three drunken friends made a bet whoever can make their wives scream the longest during sex win 1000. Next day when they met.First guy: I made love to my wife 2.5hours and she screaming for 1.5hours;Second guy: I licked my wife for 2hours and she was screaming whole time and even 1/2hour after I was done;third guy: thats nothing, I made love to my wife 10mins and I came twice, wipe my dick on the curtain and my wife still screaming at me up to now! Q: what is the strongest muscle? A: the tongueit can raise a womans hips. Q: what is the lightest muscle? A: the penisit can be raised by a tongue.An elephant asks the camel: why do you have your boobs on your back?The camel answered: what a silly question from someone with a big penis on his face. A guy asks hooker how much?She says: $50 on bed,$20 on sofa,$10 on grass.He gave her $50.She says: youre a man of class. one time on bed?Guy said: no! Five times on grass! A little kid says to his mother, Mommy, last night I saw you sitting on Daddys belly and jumping up and down. Why were you doing that? She says Oh, uh, I was just trying to squeeze the air out of Daddys belly. So the kid says, I dont know why, the neighbor ladys just gonna blow him up again tomorrow. Salesgirl: excuse me sir, you can not smoke here.Customer: but I bought these cigarettes from your store.Salesgirl: sir we also sell condoms, but it doesnt mean you can fuck here. This guy has a girl friend named Wendy who finally convinces him to tattoo her name on his penis. well when its soft you can only see W Y.One night they go out and he goes to the restroom. He sees a tall black guy standing at the urinal next to him and notices a W Y tattoo on his penis too.He hesitates then asks the guy if his girlfriends name is Wendy too. The guy replies: No, why?He explains that his girlfriend had him get Wendy tattooed on his penis and it too only shows W Y when its soft. Then he asks the guy. so whats your tattoo say when its hard anyway?The guy replies Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day! A new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks. He noticed a female horse.Captain: whats that horse for?Soldier: our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex.Captain: ah, it is ok.(One night, the captain feels an urge, so the soldier brought the horse to his tent. the captain fucked the horse. after that, he saw the soldier smiling Outside his tent)Captain: its so hard! How do you do it?Soldier: we ride on the horse to the next town where the girl are.Captain: son-of-a-bitch! Little John attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, John asked, Dad, why are you doing that?His father replied, Because when Im buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.John, looking worried, said, Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom. Farmer bought a milking machine. Tried it on his penis and had an orgasm but he cant remove it. So he read the manual and fainted. It says: AUTO-RELEASE AFTER 1 LITER A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 22 ) was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Boy what is your problem?He answers, Im too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and Im smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too! Ms Neelam had enough. She took him to the principals office. While the boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: What is 3 x 3?Boy： 9.Principal: What is 6 x 6?Boy.: 36.And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, I think he can go to third-grade.Ms Neelam says to the principal, I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ? Both the principal and the boy agree.Ms Neelam asks, What does a cow have four of that I have only two of? Boy, after a moment: Legs.Ms Neelam: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have? Boy: Pockets.Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?Boy: CoconutMs Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principals eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, the boy was taking charge.Boy: BubblegumMs Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs? The principals eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answerBoy : Shake handsMs Neelam: Now I will ask some” Who am I sort of questions, okay?Boy : Yep.Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.Boy: TentMs Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when youre bored. The best man always has me first.Boy: Wedding RingMs Neelam: I come in many sizes. When Im not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.Boy: NoseMs Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.Boy: ArrowMs Neelam:What word starts with a F and ends in K that means lot of heat and excitement?Boy: Fire truckMs Neelam: What word starts with a F and ends in K & if you dont get it you have to use your hand.Boy: ForkMs Neelam: What is it that all men have one of; its longer on some men than on others, the popedoesnt use his and a man gives it to his wifeafter theyre married?Boy : SURNAMEMs Neelam: What part of the man has no bone buthas muscles, has lots of veins, keeps pumping, & is responsible for making love?Boy : HEART.The principal breathed a sigh of relief and saidto the teacher Send this boy to University, I got thelast ten questions wrong myself!penis says to his two balls,” I will take you to a party tonight.The two balls replied,: you, bloody fucking liar, you always get inside and leave us outside Dr to President Bush: Mr. Bush, you have a perfect brain!Mr. Bush: How?Dr: There is nothing right in your left brain, and nothing left in you right brain. Speaker: who among you had experienced having sex with a Ghost? (A farmer raised his hand)Speaker: really? How does it feel to have sex with a Ghost?Farmer: shit! I thought goats! How will a gentleman say to his dinner date when he wants to pee urgently?“excuse me, I have to shake hands with a friend of mine who hopes to meet you after dinner” An Arab was interviewed at a U.S checkpoint.Guard: your name please?Arab: ABDUL AZIZG: sex?A: 6 times a week.G: I mean, male or female?A: doesnt matter, sometimes even camelG: holy cow!A: yes, cows and dogs too!G: man, isnt that hostile?A: hostile, dog style any style!G: oh dear!A: deer? No deer! they run fast. Q: why are typhoons named after women? A: because when they come, they are wet and wild; and when they go, they take your house and car with them! little girl:”mommy, I just found out that the little boy next door has a penis like a peanut”mommy:”you mean its small?”little girl: No, its salty Blond says to the doctor:”I think my tits are full of water”Doctor:”how do u figure that?”Blond:”every time a guy squeezes them my pussy gets wet” Old man: doctor, Im 90 and my 18 years old wife is pregnant! Doc: let me tell you a story about an old hunter who, instead of his gun, brought his umbrella to the jungle, met a bear, aimed his umbrella, pulled the trigger and the bear dropped dead.Old man: impossible! Somebody else must have shot the bear.Doc: exactly! man: my wife needs a bra but I dont know the sizeSales girl: dont worry sir, touch my boobs and try to estimates.Man: oh. I forgot! She needs panties too! News! a 90years old man starts make love to his 85 years old wife. He started sucking the breast, after 10 seconds, he died.Autopsy report: cause of death, EXPIRED MILK! What is a HYMEN?Answer: a sheet of flesh inside a womans vagina. its purpose is to greet entering penises Hi men!. Penises. penises. penises. penises.”HYMEN HYMEN HYMEN HYMEN A French man is standing in the checkpoint of the airport. The police found there are 5 briefs in his luggage. The French man explain, Monday to Friday, one day per one piece, but Saturday and Sunday, I make love with my wife, its unnecessary to wear briefs. Then, an Indian man, 12 briefs and explained: January, March, may.December. There are 70 ways to make a woman happy, one is shopping and the rest is 69. LITTLE GIRL: Mom, whats a Penis?MOM: Be a good girl! If you grow up, youll get 1LITTLE GIRL: what if Im bad?MOM: Youll get MORE!One day little Johnny came home from school and asked his mom about courting. Flustered, she replied; tonight go watch your sis when she comes home with her boyfriend. Thats courting.”The next day, Johnny tells his mother what happened.”well, sis and her boyfriend came home last night and sat on the couch. They started kissing and stuff and I think sis was getting sick because she kept making faces. Her boyfriend must have thought so to, because he started feeling for her heartbeat like the doc. he wasnt as good as the doc though, he missed an awful lot. Thats when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis said she was really hot. Then her boyfriend ripped off her blouse and bra, and I saw why he couldnt get to her heart, there were these big bumps on her chest! He then rips off her skirt and undies and she has grown a lot of hair there, she should clean it more often. I guess her boyfriend thought so to because he started sucking there, licking using his fingers. Then sis yelled out to God and unzipped her boyfriends pants. This big snake jumped out and sis started to try and bite its head off. She stopped trying and then it squirted all over the couch. then sis took off his pants and sat on the snake, I think they were trying to squish it. Sis started to bounce up and down on it. She said it was nearly as big as Daddys! suddenly, she stopped and said she wasnt on anything, but her boyfriend said it was too late. They had both come. So, did I explain it right?”His mom fainted. son:mom,whos my real father?Mom:I dont know son,because that time I was on dogstyle.LAWYER:how many times were you raped by the accused?GIRL:I was raped 3 times!ACCUSED:liar!hey you,2 times only!GIRL:why 2 times only?the one when I am on top is not counted? LAWYER:how many times were you raped by the accused?GIRL:I was raped 3 times!ACCUSED:liar!hey you,2 times only!GIRL:why 2 times only?the one when I am on top is not counted?judge:why did you kill your boyfriend?Lady:he picked me up from school,took me to a bedroom,remove my uniform,laid me on the bed,spread my legs & then saidjoke joke joke! A woman was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. Her husband walks in and she says, Youve got to make love to me this very moment. The husband, thinking its his lucky day, makes love to her on the kitchen table. Afterward he says, What was that all about? She says, The egg timers broken! policeman arresting a prostitute.Prostitute:im not selling sex,Policeman:what is that?Prostitute:Im selling condom &offering free demonstration.A filipino caught his wife & driver in his car in 69 position.the Filipino poked a gun at the driver &said:”so thats why I dont have son,I put in sperm,but you suck them out!”. Making Love To. How can you tell if youre making love to a teacher,a nurse or an airline stewardess? A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right. A nurse says hold still this wont hurt a bit. And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally. A man with a premature ejaculation problem goes to a shrink. Man: Every time i have sexual relations with my wife I cum too early Therapist: Well, next time you feel the urge to cum too soon, scare yourself somehow, this should help. On the way home the man stops into a hardware store and buys a starter pistol that makes a loud noise. The man gets home to find his wife naked in bed. He jumps on her and they start getting it on. Eventually they start 69ing, and the man feels the urge to cum so he shoots the pistol. The next day the therapist asks the man how it went to which the man replied: Thanks a lot asshole my wife shat in my face, bite two inches of my dick and my neighboor came running out of my closet naked with his hands in the air. Thanks a lot asshole my wife shat in my face, bite two inches of my dick and my neighboor came running out of my closet naked with his hands in the air.Deaf People Signaling For Sex Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they cant see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. Honey, she signs, Why dont we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you dont want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you dont want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis.fifty times. A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather humorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wifes attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was keying in. P.E.N.I.S. His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: * PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH* NEW TECHNOLOGY! One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor. Listen, you dont have to spend that kind of money, Mike replies. Theres a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computerll tell you whats wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars.a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor. So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant.twin girls. They arent yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you dont stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Three USA educational institutions were commissioned by the government to discover why the human penis is shaped the way it is. Colgate University allocated a budget of $500,000 for research. After 2 years they concluded that the reason the head of the penis is wider than the shaft is that it fits better, when in situ, so to speak. This would prevent leakage of semen and increase the probability of successful fertilization. The University of Texas spent $750,000 on a research program that lasted years. The re