英文笑话.doc

Doctor: Stop screaming, I havent even started pulling out your teeth. Patient: Yes, but can you please get off my foot. 1.Teacher: Why are you late for school every morning? Tom: Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,School-Go slow. 2. Mother: Freddie, why is your face so red?Freddie: I was running up the street to stop a fight.Mother: Thats a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting?Freddie: Me and Jackie Smith. Two Birds Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher: Please tell us. Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 3. The New Teacher George comes from school on the first of September. George, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother. I didnt like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too. 4. A physics Examination Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard. The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls? Nicks answer: Because our eyes are before ears. He Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: Thats too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday? I gave it to a poor old woman, he answered. Youre a good boy, said the mother proudly. Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman? She is the one who sells the candy. Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, Whats the meaning of the word Drunk, dad? Well, my son, his father replied, look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk. But, dad, the boy said, theres only ONE policeman! Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guests plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese? In the rat-trap, sir, replied the boy. There were two men who went out to eat together. They ordered fish. So on the table there were two fish. Normally not all the fish are alike in size, so there was one small, and one big. The first man just took the big one for himself without asking and feeling ashamed, or anything; and ate it. The other friend felt very disturbed and annoyed, he didnt know what to say. So he thought for a while, and then he said, If it were me, I would have taken the smaller one first. So the other guy said, See! I knew that! Thats why I took the big one. Do You Know My Work？ One night a hotel caught fire， and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes Two men stood outside and looked at the fire “Before I came out，” said one，“I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money People dont think of money when theyre afraid When anyone leaves paper money in a fire， the fire burns it So I took all the bills that I could findNo one will be poorer because I took them” “You dont know my work，” said the other “What is your work？” “Im a policeman “Oh！” cried the first man He thought quickly and said，“And do you know my work？”“No，”said the policeman “Im a writer Im always telling stories about things that never happened” Friendly PigA man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: Ah, hes not that friendly. Thats his bowl youre using.Take The Pig to The ZooA man was driving down the road in the country. He looked over and saw a baby pig in the field. He stopped and picked up the pig. He was driving around town with the pig in the car and a cop sees him and pulls him over. Cop asks Hey, What are you doing with that pig in the car?The driver says Well, I just found the pig beside the road in the field.The cop says I want you to take that pig to the zoo! The driver agrees he will take the pig to the zoo. The next day the cop sees the guy driving around again and pulls him over. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THAT PIG TO THE ZOO! He replied, Well I did take the pig to the zoo. We had such a good time we are going to the ball game now. 4Watering Flowers In RainTom: Why do you have that watering can?Dan: Im going to water the flowers.Tom: But its raining.Dan: Thats OK. Im wear-ing my raincoat.wake upA couple stopped talking to each other after a quarrel. However, the husband was worried about to catch up a meeting early next morning, so he wrote his wife a note: Please wake me up at 7:00am. The next morning, he was upset to wake up at 8:00. Then he saw a note at his bedside: Wake up you stupid! Its 7:20 now.roast pigA gentleman was invited for dinner. When he hurried there and sat down, he was happy to see a roast pig in front of his seat: Not bad, I am next to the pig. But then he noticed the angry fat lady sitting next to him. He faked a smile and added: Oh I am sorry. I meant the roasted one on the table.He is really somebody - My uncle has 1000 men under him. - He is really somebody. What does he do? - A maintenance(维护) man in a cemetery(墓地).Teacher: If your brother has five apples and you take two from him, what will be the result?Peter: He will beat me up.An Englishman lost his way while he was driving in the countryside. He saw a farmer working in the field nearby, so he went nearer in his car and asked the farmer, Excuse me, can you tell me where I am? Yes, the farmer looked at him strangely and said, you are in your car, sir.Two Pieces of CakeTom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please?Mom: Certainly - take this piece and cut it two!Now i can go homeOne day after school the teacher said to his students，“Tomorrow morning，if any one of you can answer my first questionIll permit him or her to go home earlier” The next day，when the teacher came into the classroom，he found the blackboard daubedHe was very angry and asked，“Who did it？Please stand up! ” “It s me，”said Bob，“Now，I can go home，Goodbye，Sir! ”Perfect MatchA wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman. Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous. Years later, he retires and turns the business over to his son. Dad, says the son, theres something Ive got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly? Son, the father replies, I painted the vase. Midway TacticsThree competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue. The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, Gigantic Sale! and Super Bargains! The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, Prices Slashed! and Fantastic Discounts! The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, ENTRANCE. CryTom, whats the matter with your brother? asked the mother in the kitchen. Hes crying.Oh, nothing, Mum, replied Tom. Im eating my cake. He is crying because I wont give him any.But has he finished his own cake?Yes. said Tom. And he also cried when I was helping him finish that.A story is told about a Swede who wanted to join Napoleons Grand Army. One evening some of Napoleons soldiers were drinking together when a young Frenchman brought friend to their table. He explained that his friend was a Swede and knew no French, but this Swede admired Napoleon so much that he wanted to join the French army and fight for him. The soldiers looked up and saw a tall young man with blue eyes, a friendly face, strong arms and broad shoulders. They like him at once. The officers saw that he was just the right sort of man, so they accepted him and he became one of Napoleons soldiers. His new friends smoothed away the difficulties. He fought bravely in many battles and gained their respect. However, his knowledge of French remained very weak, because he was not good at learning languages, but this did not prevent him from fighting hard. Several years later, word came that Napoleon himself was coming to inspect them, and the Swede was warned that the great man world probably ask him some question. There was some difficulty in explaining this to the Swede, but when at last he understood he became very anxious. “The Swede wont understand the questions.” One of the Frenchmen said, “What can he do?” It was well know that Napoleon always asked the same three questions, I and usual in the same order. The first question was, “How old are you?” The second was, “how long have you been in my army?” And the third was, “Did you serve in either of my last two campaigns?” The Swede could not possibly remember all these words and so his friends decided to teach him only the answers in their proper order. They gave him a lot of practice. Whenever possible, one of them would stop him, make him stand at attention, and ask him the three questions. “How old are you?” he would demand, and the Swede would answer, “Twenty-three, sir.” Then his friend would ask, “How long have you been in my army?” and the Swede would answer, “Three years, sir.” To the third question, “Did you serve in either of my last two campaigns?” the Swede would answer with