DIRTY WORDS,AMERICAN ENGLISH1.doc

introductionthose who learn english as a second language from traditional textbooks are often at a loss when they hear a conversation such as the following:night at the opera*john:mary, would you like to attend theopera this evening?mary:fucking-a. should i wear my blackdress?john:why the fuck not?mary.fucked if i knowoh, fuck! i justremembered. it got fucked up in thewash.john:well, fuck the opera, lets stay homeand fuck.mary:good fucking idea.* a fuck-by-fuck analysis of night at the opera will be found at the end of the fuck section.upon hearing such an exchange, the stranger to our shores cant help but feel bewildered. what means this fuck? he or she is likely to say. the purpose of this book is to tell the newcomer just what this fuck does mean.and what shit, piss, cunt, and asshole mean along with a host of other terms that should be part of the vocabulary of any person who wishes to communicate effectively in the english tongue.our proven method is simple and to the point: we wont deal with complex grammatical matters such as irregular verbs. when someone tells you: i butt-fucked a goat, it should be obvious that such an action is irregular. just ignore it.there are books that will teach you to avoid using swear words.theyll even teach you to avoid innocent words that might be considered swear words. their point is to keep you from being thought of as vulgar.we say, fuck it!vulgarity is not the point.the name of the game is communication.in the course of this work, we quote a number of poets. that shouldnt deter you. these are all no-nonsense poets. (there is one exception, and he is clearly identified.)because were a panel of experts, we know what were doing, and why were doing it. we swear for one reason and one reason only: its the best fucking way to communicate!four centuries ago, shakespeareone of the greatest communicators the english language has ever knownput his stamp of approval on swearing. in the tempest he has a character say:you taught me language; and my profit ontis, i know how to curse.the bard had more to say on the subject. in henry v, he shows us katherine, a young french woman, as she takes a lesson in english. when she learns that the english words foot and gown sound like the french words foutre and con fuck and cuntshes delighted. she repeats them again and again.is this katherine some kind of low life?far from it!she ends up as queen of england and france!if swearing is good enough for shakespeare and for the queen of england and france you can bet your ass its good enough for us. and for you.*the basic sevenin the 1970s comedian george carlin cited the seven words you can never say on network t.v: these rank high in the building blocks of effective swearing.shitfuckpisscuntassholemother-fuckercock-suckerall these terms are now heard regularly on cable television. and for those who can read lips, they can be seen on all sports broadcasts. by the year 2001 theyll be heard on the more than 500 channels available to usjust one more example of how the information superhighway will enrich our lives.note of interest 1: unlike such swear words as prick, screw, snatch, bung-hole, etc., these seven words cant be mistaken for anything other than swears.note of interest 2: six of these terms can be used as fighting wordsinsulting words designed to provoke someone.if you call someone a shit, a fuck, a cunt, an asshole, a mother-fucker, or a cock-sucker, you risk retaliation.but call someone a piss and youll only get a condescending smile.your intended victim will realize you havent read english as a second fucking language.fuckfuck is the mother of all words. short and effective, it gets to the root of creation. the euphemisms for fuck are cumbersome and inexact. one example will make our point:example:romeo:iwanttoengageinsexualintercourse with you.juliet:sorry, i dont have time. i thoughtyou just wanted to fuck.some romeo! what a namby-pamby mouthful! in the time it takes to say it, you could fuck a half-dozen times.fuck is sometime called the f-word. avoid that term. just say fuck.fuckthe words meaning, both as noun and verb, is sexual and positive. however, many of its extended, nonsexual meanings can be negative.example: sigmund: how come youre mad at carl? rudolph: the no-good fuck fucked me outof ten dollars.fuck aroundthis sometimes means to fuck people other than your mate. it can also mean to engage in idle fun.example:dwight:phoebe, dear,wereyou fuckingaround with anyone while i was atthe shoe-clerk convention?phoebe:gosh no, honey. i spent my timefucking around by myself in thegarden.dwight:odd. i found a used condom underour bed, and it wasnt mine.phoebe:huh, where do you suppose itcamefrom?fuck itthe non-sexual meaning is similar to the hell with it. its a useful term for dismissing nonessential or irrelevant matters.example:nadine:arnold, if we dont pay this phone bill by noon today, theyll shut off our service.arnold:fuck it. theres no one i want to talk to, anyway.fuck up as a noun, fuck-up refers to a botched situation or an incompetent person. as a verb, fuck up refers to the action that caused it.example:henry.that job turned out to be a real fuckup.eugene:thats because that fuck-up jacksonwas in charge. he could fuck up a wetdream.fuck you!this is one of the most useful phrases in the lexicon-of swears. it eliminates the need to argueor even reasonwith people whose purposes or opinions are different from your own.example:(note: marcels words are italicized to indicate that he is acting them out rather than speaking them.)marcel: could you spare $5 to support the mime foundation? frank: fuck you!example:officer. im sorry i had to ticket you, butthe radar clocked you at five milesover the limit. have a nice day! mort: fuck you!equivalents of fuckthere are a number of equivalents for the word fuck. our panel sees no need for them, but we offer a few for informational purposes.verbsballthis comes from the expression to have a balla good time. the ball in this case refers to a gala event, not a testicle. however, in order to ball, you need to have the testicular type of ball. you only need one, but two is the norm.example:norm:what happened with the girl youmet at the ball last night?al:she grabbed my left ball, so we leftthe ball and i balled her.of the many aggressive words for fuck, this is the most common. others include boff and thump.examples: dexter: did i tell you i banged that blonde waitress from the reno diner? baxter: i thought you said you boffed theredhead. dexter: right. i thumped them both baxter: you sure have a way with the ladies!dickthis term comes from the tool used in the act.example: william: when does a gigolo bill his client? richard: after he dicks her.get it, etc. combinations with get that mean fuck include: get a little, get in, get it, get it on, get laid, get some, and get your ashes hauled.hide the weenie this is a jocular way to say fuck. avoid it.lay this is a mild term for fuck, and a common one. its based on the strange idea that people always lay down to fuck (see basket fuck in the idioms section).screw except in a basket fuck (see the idioms section) there is no actual rotation involved. like fuck, screw can have a negative, non-sexual meaning.example:sergio:i screwed up my math test; now icant go on the class beach picnic.andre:then you wont get fucked; it lookslike youre screwed.nounslayfuckpiece of assquickie* * * * * * * * * * * *fuck analysisnight at the operamary, would you like to attend themary: john: mary: john: mary:opera this evening? fucking-a1. should i wear my black dress? why the fuck2 not? fucked3 if i knowoh, fuck4! i just remembered. it got fucked up5 in the wash. well, fuck6 the opera, lets stay home and fuck7 . good fucking8 idea.1 fucking-a: this is a strong affirmation.2 the fuck: this is an intensifier.3 fucked: this is short for ill be fucked if i know, which has nothing to do with actual fucking. its the equivalent of ill be damned if i know, which has nothing to do with damnation. in other words: i dont know.4 oh, fuck! this is an interjection. the oh isnt necessary; fuck! by itself is a complete interjection.5 fucked up: this means damaged.6 fuck: here, fuck is used in a negative sense, similar to, the hell with the opera.7 fuck: here, fuck is used in its primary sense.8 fucking: a novice might think the intended meaning is: this is a good idea about fucking. in fact fucking in the sexual sense isnt intended; the word is merely an intensifier. and a fucking good one at that.*sodomysaid a jolly old chap from siam:for fucking i dont give a damn.you may think it odd o me,but i prefer sodomy;they call me a buggeri am.oscar wildethe jolly old chap in the poem had a preference for sodomy. for others it is merely a make-do arrangement, a substitute for fucking. because of the dangers associated with the practice, our panel avoids it. one such danger was cited by samuel taylor coleridge in the return of the ancient mariner. in that epic sequel, the poet describes what happened when a reluctant cabin boy was subjected to sodomy:. then that naughty little nipper,he lined his asswith broken glassand circumcised the skipper.nuff said?need to know ass-fuck bugger butt-fucknice to knowbum-fuck corn-hole back-scuttle greekforget itrear entry back-door banditry*warninglatin termsthere is no need to give non-english names to our body parts. avoid them. such words often cloud rather than clarify the issue.for example, the latin word vagina is sometimes used instead of cunt. this is unfortunate. vagina is easily confused with virginia particularly when abbreviated.on the eastern seaboard of america, the commonwealth of va. is a state; on the west coast its a two-block area of sunset boulevard.the two parts that suffer most from this confusion are the uvula and sternum. neither are sexual organs, yet the unwary often treat them as such. the results can be both unpleasant and dangerous.there are exceptions. for certainsexual actssuch as coginus andfensturbationthere are no english equivalents. they should be used only in the original latin, usually in whispers.example: camille: doctor benway, is coginus painful? benway: yes, if its done right.example: wilma: whats your pet peeve, bruce? bruce: i hate those liberalswho are always saying fensturbation is normal and naturaluntil you do it in front of them!histhe ancient romans referred to the male organ as a penis. when in rome, our panel does what the romans do.but were not in rome! we call it a cock, a prick, or a dickand a good many other names besidesbut never apenis.a number of names for the cock are common mens names. besides calling a prick a dick, you might also call it a peter, a willy, or a john thomas.that may seem a little silly, but it makes more sense than calling it a betty, a mary, or a lillian.the naming of dicks can go to extremes of delicacy. sometimes the organ is not even mentioned.examples:mary:i just saw an old x-rated film withjohn holmes. that guy was reallybig.bruce:i suppose he was pretty tallforan actormary:noi mean he was really big.bruce:oh, yes. he was very successfulfor a porn star.mary:noyou needle-dicked moron!i mean he was really big!this refusal to name the male member played a part in an excellent exchange of graffiti that our panel of experts traced to the no name bar on hudson street in new york city. there, in 1965, an anonymous immortal wrote on the mens room wall:im 9 inches are you interested? beneath that, another immortal responded: interested? im fascinated! but how big isyour prick?reluctance to mention the dick has a parallel in a common expression in which the dick is mentioned, but is absent; i.e., dickless. logic tells us that the expression refers to women. logic is wrong. it refers to men who show little courage or gumption. its often used in combination with wonder.example:stanley:how come larry didnt make ourmens groups annual whorehousetour?oliver:his wife wouldnt let him.stanley:jesus!thatdicklesswonderwouldnt stand up to a meter maid.a dick exists in two states. the first is the limp state. in its proper place, theres nothing wrong with a limp dick although when you call someone a limp dick, youre suggesting theyre ineffectual impotent.example:vernon: gosh, ive got to pee really bad. iwonder if anybody would mind if ileftthepokergameforafewminutes.rocco:no, you limp dick. in fact,wewouldntmindifyouleftpermanently.like vernon, a limp dick can be pretty useless. on the other hand, you cant beat it when it comes to pissing.however, when you do want to beat it, or fuck with it, or hang horseshoes on itit had better be hard. which brings us to:hard timesa sage once observed, a stiff prick has no conscience.other sages have confirmed that opinion. a man with a stiff prick is thinking of one thingor variations of that one thing. the thing, of course, is fuckingor variations thereof.the most common term for a stiff dick is a hard-on. it should be obvious how it got its name. other names for a dick in that state include:blue-veiner:so hard that blue veins are standing out on it in bas-relief.example:clem:how did your date with suzie go?jody:not so good. every time i looked ather i got such a blue-veiner it drainedthe blood from my head and ifainted. i never did get laid.boner:seems to have a bone in it. this word can cause confusion, since boner also refers to a mistake or faux pas.example:annie: they tell me chris committed a real boner by showing up at the nudist-colony dinner with a hard-on.ginnie: i was there. what a boner!diamond-cutter:hard enough to cut diamonds with.example: anita: a diamond is a girls best friend. marilyn: and a diamond-cutter aint exactlyher enemy!rail: also rail on. both refer to a prick thats straight as a rail. the poet kareem roka described such a hard-on in the following verse:there once was fellow named waylon,who stood up in a boat with a rail on.its a mast, he declared,as his organ he bared,and its perfect for hanging a sail on.rod: also rod on. both refer to a prick thats hard as an iron rod.example:nelson:my girlfriend is a hobosexual.harold:do youmeanhomosexual?nelson:no, hobosexua1. she likes to ridemy rod.stiffy:we wont patronize you by explaining this term.ballsballs! cried the queenif i had them id be king!from rudyard kipling squeen victorias lamentthe word testicles is latin for little witnesses. any man who wants to use that term to refer to his balls should be castrated. dont get fancy: call them your balls or your nuts.codthis is a fine old word for the scrotumthe pouch that holds a mans balls. in the plural, its used for the balls themselves. the word is most familiar in the expression cod piece, the decorative cup elizabethan dandies wore to enhance their pants. today, rock n roll stars beef up their meat with cod piecesin addition to such trouser-stuffers as potatoes, zucchinis, and rolled-up winter socks.family jewelsballs are as treasured as jewels and are definitely a family matter. without them there would be no families.nutsthis term is almost as common as balls. the term nuts also describes someone who is crazy. dont confuse the two.example:hector.sigmund is crazy. he stood there onthe podium in front of the tvcameras scratching his nuts.andre:his nuts?hector:his nuts!andre:hes nuts!nadswere dead set against using a scientific term such as gonads, but we find this shortened form an agreeable substitute, if used sparingly.example:placido: my, luciano, your voice certainly seemed high during don giovanni last night.luciano: yours would be too, if youd been kicked in the nads by a 260-pound soprano!rocksusually used in the expression get ones rocks off, meaning, to have an orgasmto come. rocks can also mean courage.example:artie:sam was screwing louies girl whenlouie walked into the bedroom witha straight razor in his hand. samdidn t pay any attention; he just keptgoing until he got his rocks off.jerome:boy, sams sure got rocks!artie:no t anymorehe doesn t.sackthe pouch that holds a mans balls. sometimes called nut sack.need to knowballs cock dick hard-on nuts pricknice to knowcod johnson love luger one-eyed monster pecker peter putz rod schlong schmuck skin flute trouser troutforget itbanana pee-pee tail penis wiener weenieherspardon, madam, but i must be blunti have to say i much admire your cunt.edward de vere (1550-1604)de vere was a gentleman of the old school. true, he spoke bluntly but always to the point. he could have called it loves sweet quiver, the delta of venus, the tufted love mound or some other sort of poetic nonsense. but why pussy-foot around?to quote the words of robert burns another no-nonsense poet:a cunts a cunt for a that.cuntthe word cunt is specifica wonder of clarity. the latin term vagina is flawed. (see warning section.) cunt is an old word, a solid word, a good word. use it.beaverbecause a womans pubic hair seems like beaver fur