英文习作修改之我见.doc

英文习作修改之我见如何修改自己的习作是不少学生头疼的一件事。不过由于写作时间太短，通常来说学生最多只能匆忙看一遍自己写的东西，做一点简单修改就交卷。有些学生的作文甚至在没有任何修改的情况下就交了。可想而知，这样的作文往往是百孔千疮，有的甚至是没有一个句子是对的。我们自然要问：平时的习作训练中，学生们是否有静下心来，仔细推敲、琢磨，完善自己的习作呢？笔者在自己的作文教学中发现，以应试为导向的作文教学使得这方面的培养普遍相当匮乏。教师和现行的作文教材常常引入模块训练法、十句作文法、范文背诵法等，这些方法对提高写作分数确实也有一定的帮助。不过光光只有这些训练手段，可能会让学生养成投机取巧的心理。然而学生以后写的英文学术论文或摘要通常不是一蹴而就的，需要反反复复的修改、补充、润色。遗憾的是当前很少有写作训练是针对这一点来展开的。所以笔者在此就已经被认为写得还不错的习作提出自己的修改建议，希望能同英文写作爱好者共同分享修饰英语语言的乐趣。来看看下面的几篇习作和分析：一、假如你是奥运冠军刘翔母校的一名学生，今天下午他回到了母校，请简短报道一下他回母校的情况。报道可以包括下面一些内容：1.88米的个子、灿烂的笑容、红色T恤和蓝短裤，很健康；为学生们唱歌，嗓音好听；介绍奥运夺冠情况；为学生签名；认为健康比金牌更重要。 修改前：Liu Xiang - King of the 110-meter Hurdle Race in AthensLiu Xiang, who had won the 110-meter hurdle race championship in the Athens Olympic Games this year, returned to our school this afternoon. He is 1.88 meters tall, always wearing a bright smile. He is dressed in a red T-shirt and blue shorts, healthy and handsome. He sang songs for the students and his voice was beautiful. He was surrounded by the students who were eager for his signatures and he satisfied them.Liu Xiang talked to us about how he got the first place in the Games. But he said that sports is only part of his life and that he would rather choose health than gold medals. “Health is always my No. 1 choice.” he emphasized.分析点评：1) the 110-meter Hurdle Race in Athens雅典虽说是刘翔一举成名的福地，但世界记录不是在那破的。如果题目加上雅典就限制太多，制约了文章的发挥。为了同主题相吻合，说明刘翔是一百一十米栏的王者，而不光光是雅典奥运会赛场上的王者，建议删除该地点。2) the 110-meter hurdle race championship in the Athens Olympic Games this year, returned to our school this afternoon. 句中the 110-meter-hurdle race可以后移。Championship通常指锦标赛，不是奥运会，作冠军地位讲没有a gold medal来得更具体。另外作者写这篇报道时已经过了两年时间，所以把this year改成two years ago。而且刘翔刚好已经打破世界记录，成为真正的王者，故而后面加上and who had just broken the world record in the 110-meter-hurdle race. 由于题意是回到母校，而Alma Mater（母校）不是学生已经掌握的词汇，可以变通一下，所以用as well as his，既回避了难词，又符合题意要求，没有留下什么漏洞。3) He is dressed in a red T-shirt and blue shorts, healthy and handsome. 调整一下行文顺序Dressed in a red T-shirt and blue shorts, he looks extremely healthy and handsome. 则既符合英语的表达习惯，又使文章句式富有变化。还有，说刘翔健康、帅气是从学生观察的角度出发，显得更客观。4) He sang songs for the students and his voice was beautiful. 把for改成at the request of也许更符合当时情境，因为不是演艺明星的刘翔不可能未受邀请就去唱歌的。另外最后加上：We all believe that he has the making of a good singer. 可以表达出学生对他的喜好和对其歌唱才能的肯定。5) He was surrounded by the students who were eager for his signatures and he satisfied them. 句前加上Later才会让人觉得该次活动组织有序，句末加上patiently一词更能凸现刘翔的优良品质。6) Liu Xiang talked to us about how he got the first place in the Games. 光讲get似乎没有带出金牌背后的辛酸和汗水，所以可以加上managed to get / succeeded in getting；另外the Games不够明确所以补出Olympic一词。7）按常理，此次活动应该是先汇报，再表演，最后签字和赠言。所以有必要对原文进行一定的信息调整，并且加上了first, next, later, finally等表示时间概念的衔接词使得文章脉络清晰明了。修改后：Liu Xiang - King of the 110-meter Hurdle Race Liu Xiang, who had won a gold medal in the Athens Olympic Games two years ago and who had just broken the world record in the 110-meter-hurdle race, returned to our school as well as his this afternoon. He is 1.88 meters tall, always wearing a bright smile. Dressed in a red T-shirt and blue shorts, he looks extremely healthy and handsome. First, Liu Xiang talked to us about how he managed to get the first place in the Olympic Games. Next, he sang songs at the request of the students and his voice was beautiful. We all believe that he has the making of a good singer. Later, he was surrounded by students who were eager for his signatures and he satisfied them patiently.Finally, Liu Xiang said that sports is only part of his life and that he would rather choose health than gold medals. “Health is always my No. 1 choice.” He emphasized. 二、假设下面六幅图描述的是你在10月3日（星期五）的一段亲身经历。请你根据画面所示内容，用英语写篇百字左右的日记。 图片中看电影院的路上要改成去电影院的路上？修改前：October 3rd Friday, FineThis afternoon, on my way to the cinema, I saw a purse fall off a mans bike. I shouted out to the man to stop, but he didnt hear me and rode away.I was wondering what to do when I had an ideaI stopped a taxi and got into it with the purse. Soon we caught up with the man. He was so thankful that he offered me some money, but I refused it politely.Then the driver took me to the cinemaWhen I paid him, the driver said with a smile, “Neither will I accept your money.”分析点评：1) I shouted out to the man to stop, but he didnt hear me and rode away. 此句表达不够清晰，故把to stop改成in order to stop him，目的性更明确；另外最后加上quickly，才能为打的做更好的铺垫，否则不是跑两步就可以追上吗。2) I was wondering what to do when I had an idea建议改成suddenly hit upon更能体现出作者的急中生智，因为had更偏向于表示状态。3）Soon we caught up with the man. 在caught up with the man中间加上and stopped才能够把逻辑关系表述清晰，没有留下逻辑漏洞。4) He was so thankful that he offered me some money, but I refused it politely. 归还钱包这一点很重要，所以需要在so thankful that之间点出to get his purse back。我们通常不会把refuse和politely这两个词放在一块说，因为refuse比较强硬，和politely扯不到一块去。必须把它们改成declined it. 5) Then the driver took me to the cinema这里涉及到方向性的问题，改成took me back to会更准确，而且照应了前文。6) When I paid him, the driver said with a smile, “Neither will I accept your money.” 在driver said中间如果加上driver shook his head and said则会更形象和具体。如果再加上：Good job! Young man!则显得的士司机的话不会太突兀，最后的accept一词显得有点被动，这是的士司机的主动表示，建议改成take。修改后：October 3rd Friday, FineThis afternoon, on my way to the cinema, I saw a purse fall off a mans bike. I shouted out to the man in order to stop him, but he didnt hear me and rode away quickly. I was wondering what to do when I suddenly hit upon an ideaI stopped a taxi and got into it with the purse. Soon we caught up with and stopped the man. He was so thankful to get his purse back that he offered me some money, but I declined it. Then the driver took me back to the cinemaWhen I paid him, the driver shook his head and said with a smile: “Good job! Young man! Neither will I take your money.” 三、请根据以下内容拟写一份通知。1. 时间：8月26日下午3-4点 2. 地点：108会议室3. 主讲人：访美回国的王海教授 4. 内容：介绍美国大学教育 5. 参加对象：一年级学生 6. 要求：不要迟到，会后留下讨论修改前：NoticeThere will be a lecture at 3-4 p.m. on August 26th. Professor Wang Hai from the U.S.A. will give us a talk on college education in America in Meeting Room 108. All the students in Grade One can attend the lecture with one or two students from other schools and well have a discussion after the lecture.P