英语笑话集锦.doc

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: Thats too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他赢了 汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？ 约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。 汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？ 约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。 I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, What happened? A kid bit me, replied Ivan. Would you recognize him if you saw him again? asked his mother. Id know him any where, said Ivan. I have his ear in my pocket. 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。” A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday? I gave it to a poor old woman, he answered. Youre a good boy, said the mother proudly. Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman? She is the one who sells the candy. 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了？” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？” “她是个卖糖果的。” Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, Whats the meaning of the word Drunk, dad? Well, my son, his father replied, look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk. But, dad, the boy said, theres only ONE policeman! 醉酒 一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，醉字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！” Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guests plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese? In the rat-trap, sir, replied the boy. 好客 由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。 英语小笑话 上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, Do you know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著 性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的 一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是 A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟 能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.好消息坏消息！ An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. Ive got good news and bad news, the owner replied. The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings. Thats wonderful! the artist exclaimed, Whats the bad news?. With concern, the gallery owner replied, The guy was your doctor. 一名艺术家问画廊老板,最近有没有人对他展出的画感兴趣。“这有好消息和坏消息,”老板回答。“好消息是有一位先生咨询你的作品,他想知道在你死后你的画会不会升值。我告诉他你的画会升值,他就把你的15幅画全都买走了。” “真是太好了”,艺术家是喜形于色,“那坏消息是什么?”带着关心的口吻,画廊老板回答,“买画的人是你的医生”。Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Marys heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office. Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is youre being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think youve regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom,hes dead. Mary replied, He didnt hang himself, I hung him up to dry. Jim和Mary都是精神病院里的病人。一天,他们沿着医院的游泳池散步,Jim突然跳入泳池的深水区,他沉到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他,她潜到水底,把Jim拉了上来。 当院长听闻了Mary的英勇行为后,他立刻翻看了她的病历档案,把她叫进了自己的办公室,“Mary,我有一个好消息和一个坏消息要告诉你。好消息是你能跳入水中救其他病人,这说明你的意识已经恢复了,你可以出院了。坏消息就是,Jim,你救的那个病人,他还是用自己的浴袍带子在浴室上吊自杀了。” Mary说:“他没有自杀,是我把他吊起来好让他晾干。”Itworked真的有效 Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didnt do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. Boss, he said, The pill actually worked! Thats all fine said the boss, But where were you yesterday? Tom早上老起不来,所以上班总是迟到。他的老板非常生气,警告他如果他不能有所改善的话就炒他的鱿鱼。于是,Tom去看医生,医生给了他一颗药丸并告诉他要在睡觉前服下这颗药。Tom照医生的话做了,睡得非常之好,事实上,他在早上闹钟响之前就起来了。Tom从容不迫地吃完早餐,然后兴高采烈地开车上班去了。 “老板”,Tom说,“那药真管用,我的睡眠好极了!” “是够管用的,”老板说,“问题是,昨天你人哪去了”?Lifeafterdeath死后重生 Do you believe in life after death? the boss asked one of his employees. Yes, Sir. the new recruit replied.Well, then, that makes everything just fine, the boss went on. After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmothers funeral, she stopped in to see you. “你相信人能死后重生吗?”老板问他的一个员工。 “我相信,先生”。这位刚上班不久的员工回答。 “哦,那还好”。老板接着说。 “你昨天提早下班去参加你祖母的葬礼后,她老人家到这儿看你来了。”Businessjuststarted开张大吉 A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, Can I help you? The man said, Yeah, Ive come to activate your phone lines. 一个年轻人的公司刚刚开张。他租用了漂亮的办公室,办公室内还放上了古董作装饰。这天,这位年轻人正在办公室里面坐着,他看到一个男的走进了办公室。为显示他是个成功的老板,这位年轻的生意人拿起电话假装正在谈大买卖,张觜就是三、五个亿,闭觜就说一切搞定、没问题!好不容易电话“打”完,挂上听筒,年轻人问进来的那人,“您有事吗?”那人说,“有事,我是来给你开通电话的”。你可以跟他们中任何一个结婚 One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for a while, he tells his daughter she cant do it because hes her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, Mom. What have you been doing all your life? Dads been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I cant marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers! Her mom replies, Dont worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isnt really your dad. 一天,一个女孩把男孩子带回家见父亲,说要跟这个男孩结婚。她父亲跟男孩谈了一会之后,对她说她不能嫁给这个男孩,因为男孩跟她其实是同父异母的兄弟。之后,女孩又认识了另外四个男孩并一一带回家见父亲,请求父亲同意他们结婚,但结果都是一样,这些男孩竟然跟她都是同父异母!女孩真的是被气坏了。她跟母亲说,“妈,你这一辈子到底是怎么过的?爸爸在镇上到处胡搞,现在我都谈到第五个男孩了,但现在一个都不能嫁,因为他们最后都是跟我一个爸爸”! 女孩说完,她母亲回答说,“亲爱的,不用担心,你可以跟他们中的任何一个结婚,你爸爸其实也,也不是你的亲爹”。Blonde Tries To Repair Her Car A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair. She said that was too much and wasnt there some other way to fix it? The body man decided to have a little fun and said Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out! She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. So she drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit. What are you doing! she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide. Im blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car explained the first blonde. Well silly, its not going to work replied her neighbor. Why not? asked the first blonde. Because youve got to roll up the windows first 调查员:What is your fathers name？ 你父亲叫什么名字？ 小弟:Happy！ 高兴！ 调查员:What is your mothers name？ 你母亲叫什么名字？ 小弟:Smile！ 微笑！ 调查员:Are you joking？ 你在开玩笑吗？ 小弟:No！Thats my sister！ I am Kidding！ 没有，那是我姐姐的名字，我是哄骗 英语笑话 一、 Mother: Freddie, why is your face so red? Freddie: I was running up the street to stop a fight. Mother: Thats a very nice thing to do. Who was fighting? Freddie: Me and Jackie Smith. 妈 妈:弗雷迪,你的脸为什么那么红? 弗雷迪:我刚才在大街上跑,为的是阻止一次打架? 妈妈:你做的对,谁和谁在打架. 弗雷迪:我和杰克史密斯. 二、 A distinguished clergyman and the elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before goint home, but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable reputation. After being served, one of the elders asked the clergyman to say grace. Id rather not, the clergyman said, I dont want Him to know Im here. 一位著名牧师和他教区的几位老人出席城外会议直到天黑才开完会，他们打算在回家前吃点东西。但很不巧只有一家名声不好的下等酒吧烤菜馆开着门。 饭后，一位老人要牧师祈祷。“我想我是免了，”牧师说。“我不想让主知道我在这里。” 三、 One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer, I see that your pig likes apples, but isnt that quite a waste of time? The farmer replied, Whats time to a pig? 一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?那位农夫回答说，时间对猪有什么意义? 四、 4 - 4 = ？ One day, the teacher inquired of Peter: How much is four minus four? Peter was tongue-tied. The teacher got angry and said: What a fool! You see, if I put four coins in your pocket, but there is a hole in your pocket and all of them leak out, now what i