下载笑话文档 (2).doc

/jokes/other-joke-types/long-jokes/1John was starving! He was stuck in a smallhick town, lost and hungry. He was happy when he saw a small restaurant coming upon his right.Johnquickly pulled over, parked his car, and walked inside. John noticed a blackboard with a sign written in yellow chalk, “Todays Special: Vegetable Soup with Fried Chickenand Grilled Vegetables.” “Ill take the special”, said John to the waiter when he came to take his order. A few minutes after receiving his order John called over the waiter, he was fuming mad. “IS THIS THE SPECIAL!?It says vegetable soup, BUT THERE ARE NO VEGETABLES! It says grilled vegetables, BUT THEY ARENT GRILLED THEY ARE BAKED!? And it says fried chicken, AND THE CHICKEN ISNT FRIED!? The waiter was not used to city folks and their attitudes and frankly he was not going to put up with this behavior. “My dear man,” said the waiter looking downat John over his glasses, “that is what makes it so special!”Read more at:2“Sir you have got to help!” said the tearful man at the door. “There is a family that I know very well that is in desperate need of money. The Father has been out of a job for over a year, they have five kids at home with barely a bit of food to eat. The worst part is, that they are about to kicked out of the house and they will be left on the streets without a roof over their heads!” The man concluded with one last heart wrenching sob. “Well,” said the man at the door, “that really is a sad story. Why dont you come inside and well talk about it a little more.” “So how much money is needed exactly?” asked the man when they were both seated. “Oh its really terrible”, said the man starting up again, “why just for the rent $3000 is needed by tomorrow otherwise theyll be kicked out onto the streets.” “How do you know so much about this situation?” asked the man as he reached for his check book. “Well,” said the man breaking down once more “they are my tenants.Read more at:3Jack strode into Johns Stable looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “Ive got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesnt go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God. Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?” Jim was having the time of his life this horse sure could run he thought to himself. Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff. Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.” Rate this Joke! Rating: 4.3/5 (597 votes cast)Read more at:4The leader of the vegetarian society just couldnt control himself anymore. He just needed to try some pork, just to see what it tasted like. So one summer day he told his members he was going on a vacation. He packed out of town, and headed to the nearest restaurant. After sitting down, he ordered a roasted pig, and impatiently waited for his delicacy. After just a few minutes, he heard someone call his name, and to his great chagrin he saw one of his fellow members walking towards him. Just at that same moment, the waiter walked over, with a huge platter, holding a full roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. “Isnt that something,” says the leader after only a moments pause, “all I do is order an apple, and look what it comes with!”Read more at:5Two men, Jim and John, were walking their dogs when they passed by a restaurant. “Lets go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggested. “We cant” answered John, “dont you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED.” “Aah that sign,” said Jim “dont worry about it” and taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walked up to the door. As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door, “sorry no pets allowed.” Cant you see” said Jim “I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog.” But its a doberman pincher, who uses a doberman pincher as a seeing eye dog?” the man asked “Oh,” Jim responded “you must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a very good job.” Seeing that it worked, John tried walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said “dont tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.” Thinking quickly John responded in a angry voice “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”Read more at:6After recess the first grade teacher announced “I am going to go around the room and ask you what you did during recess, if you can write what you did on the board youll get a lollipop.” The first girl asked was Jessica “Jessica what did you do during recess?” “I played in the sand box.” “OK” the teacher said “let me see you write the word box on the board.” She did and got a lollipop. Next was Tom “I played with Jessica in the sand box.” “OK, let me see you write the word sand on the board.” He did and got a lollipop. The next one was Billy Goldberg “Well”, Billy said, “I tried to play in the sand box, but Jessica and Tom threw rocks at me.” “What?” The Teacher said “they threw rocks at you that sounds like outright anti semitism to me. If you can write outright antisemitism on the board youll get a lollipop!”Read more at:7Jims car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.” “I cant”, Jim responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.” “Alright,” says the cop, “then youre going to have to take a blood test.” “Cant do that either,” Jim responds, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I wont stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.” “Ok,” the cop answers “then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.” “Cant do that either” responds Jim. “Why not?” Demanded the exasperated cop. “Well, because Im drunk!”Read more at:8An old man went to the Doctor complaining that his wife could barely hear. The Doctor suggested a test to find out the extent of the problem. “Stand far behind her and ask her a question, and then slowly move up and see how far away you are when she first responds.” The old man excited to finally be working on a solution for the problem, runs home and sees his wife preparing supper. ” Honey” the man asks standing around 20 feet away “whats for supper?” After receiving no response he tried it again 15 feet away, and again no response. Then again at 10 feet away and again no response. Finally he was 5 feet away “honey whats for supper?” She replies “For the fourth time its lasagna!”Read more at:9A man and his wife were going for a stroll one night when they spotted what was obviously a blind man taking a walk on the other side of the street with his seeing eye dog. “Wow! Isnt that something!” remarked the wife, “look at that man taking a stroll just like us.” They continued strolling for a few minutes longer when they heard the man let out a loud yelp. The dog had walked him right into a parked car and he had clearly banged his shin pretty hard. Rushing over to help, they were surprised to see the man reach into his pocket and pull out a treat for the dog. “Isnt that weird?” whispered the wife, “giving him a treat even when hes mad.” “Why are you giving him a treat?” questioned the husband. “I AINT GIVING HIM A TREAT!” said the enraged man, “IM JUST TRYING TO FIND OUT WHERE HIS HEAD IS, SO I CAN GIVE HIM A SHARP KICK IN THE BEHIND!10“Sugar why dont you sit down by the table and well start supper.” Said Dorothy to her Husband of 50 years. “Sure thing,” said her husband settling himself down. “Now darling, would you like the soup first or the salad?” Questioned Dorothy. “Umm I guess Ill take the soup.” He responded. After a whole meal of one endearing term after another, their guest Bob couldnt contain his curiosity any longer. Bob snuck into the kitchen and asked, “Dorothy do you always talk to your husband like that?” “Bob, Ill be honest with you,” Dorothy replied. “Its been five years now, I just cant remember his name, and I am just too embarrassed to ask him!”11“Hi! My name is Gertrude,” said the lady next to him on the plane. “Its so nice to meet you! Im flying to New York for my grandsons third birthday. Im so excited! I remember when he was just a little thumbkin and now hes already three! Its really hard to believe. Hes the most adorable thing youve ever seen! You know what? Hold on, I think I might have a picture on me. Let me take a look in my purse, yes, here it is, just look at him, isnt he adorable. Do you see his dimple on his left cheek? Simply adorable! I could stare at his picture all day. Oh my, and you should hear him on the phone! He is just the cutest, he says to me in the cutest voice “Hi Grandma!” It just gets me all teary eyed.” After what seemed like two hours for the poor man sitting next to her, Gertrude seemed to realize that perhaps she was talking a bit too much. “You know, I feel terrible! Here I am just talking and talking without letting you get in a word edgewise! Tell me.what doyouthink about my Grandson!”Read more at:12One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you dont look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed. “I feel like Im 40 too!” replied John. “Thats incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?” “Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “Hes 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John. “Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?” “Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! Hes actually getting married this week!” “Getting married?!” Rob asked. If hes 105, why on earth does he want to get married?! John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”Read more at:13So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She is going 65 on a street where the speed limit is 40. A cop pulls her over and says “maam, can I please see your license?” She says “Im sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunk driving.” His brow furrows and he straightens up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?” She says “I stole the car and I killed the driver; hes in the trunk.” “Maam, DONT MOVE, Im calling for backup.” He mutters furiously into his walkie-talkie Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walks over to the womans window. “Maam, can I see your license?” he asks sternly. “Of course, officer,” she smiles demurely and pulls out a licens