Cabin Pressure - Edinburgh.doc

Cabin Pressure 1x05 - Edinburgh (bing bong) MARTIN: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Apologies to those of you who have been watching the in-flight entertainment this evening, unfortunately a mechanical fault seems to have developed and Im afraid we will not be able to bring you the last half hour of our feature presentation. However, as luck would have it, I happened to see this film a couple of days ago, and Im happy to tell you that the bald guy was in the pay of the mob all along and that woman from The West Wing shot Bill Paxton, but they caught her in the end, I hope that helps. - OPENING CREDITS - This week, Edinburgh! - CAROLYN: . . . and lastly, your roster for the next two weeks. On the eighteenth youre going to Oslo to pick up a CFO- ARTHUR: Wow! What, for government scientists to study? CAROLYN: CFO Arthur, not UFO. Then nothing til the twenty fourth when Im afraid youre taking a stag do to Rome. (groans) CAROLYN: Yes I know, I know, they bring us three millennia of art, culture and architecture, we bring them thirteen city boys to throw up on it. It is heartbreaking. ARTHUR: Where did you go for your stag night Douglas? DOUGLAS: Which one? MARTIN: Any of them. DOUGLAS: Oh the first one was the best. Soho 1977, with my brother, Jeffrey Bernard, Peter Cook, and a Kink. CAROLYN: Whats a Kink? DOUGLAS: One of The Kinks. MARTIN: Which one? DOUGLAS: Oh I know nothing about pop music, whichever one it is that can fit three golf balls in his mouth. CAROLYN: Anyway. After Rome, a little treat, because guess whats happening on the twenty eighth? DOUGLAS: Ah, the six nations final! ARTHUR: Burling Day! CAROLYN: Indeed it is! DOUGLAS: Yes! MARTIN: What? CAROLYN: Ah, of course - you hadnt joined us by last Burling Day had you? MARTIN: Whats Burling Day? DOUGLAS: Mr Burling is a retired gentleman who lives in an enormous house in Sussex with his enormous pile of money and his enormous wife. And his big treat is that once a year he hires us to take him to the six nations rugby final, wherever it is - where is it this year Carolyn? CAROLYN: Edinburgh. DOUGLAS: Where he proceeds to get heroically sloshed and spends the rest of the year sleeping it off. MARTIN: Right, so whats so special about that? DOUGLAS: Oh, no reason, its just fun after a year of CFOs and stag dos to take a nice old boy out on a spree. - DOUGLAS: All right Arthur, nearly there. MARTIN: Why do we all have to pick him up anyway? DOUGLAS: Its just a little courtesy Mr Burling likes, thats all. MARTIN: Ive never seen you like this with a client Douglas. DOUGLAS: Ah, well Mr B is something special. (door opening) MR BURLING: My dear boys, my dear boys, cometh the hour, cometh the men, the magnificent men in their flying machines no less. ARTHUR: Hello Mr Burling! MR BURLING: Arthur my dear boy, how are you? Now, hope youve been brushing up on your rugby since we last met! ARTHUR: Oh yes, ask me anything! MR BURLING: Who won the last grand slam? ARTHUR: France! MR BURLING: What colour do Italy play in? ARTHUR: Red! MR BURLING: How many points for a conversion? ARTHUR: Three! MR BURLING: Excellent, very good. ARTHUR: How many did I get right? MR BURLING: Not a single one, but werent you quick! ARTHUR: I was quick! MR BURLING: Like lightning dear boy, absolute lightning - and a new face I see? DOUGLAS: Mr Burling, may I introduce Martin Crieff. MR BURLING: Hello there my little man. Now, Crieff, Crieff, any relation to Jolyon Crieff? MARTIN: I doubt it. MR BURLING: Ah, but one never knows, one never knows. MARTIN: One never does, but one can have a fairly strong hunch that no one in ones family has ever been called Jolyon. MR BURLING: Oh youre quite right of course, my chap was a Moncrieff. Like Algernon. In Earnest. Do you know your Wilde my boy? MARTIN: Im wild? In what sense? MR BURLING: No, no, Oscar Wilde - dear me Douglas, you seem to have landed yourself a bit of a chump. MARTIN: (splutters) I beg your pardon? MR BURLING: Oh granted my little man, granted, no doubt youre a valued alumnus of the University of Life - or possibly Exeter . . . MARTIN: What?! MR BURLING: Douglas old man I take it congratulations are in order, final return to the Captains seat, of which you have been such an ornament for so long. DOUGLAS: No, no - still in the er, co-pilots seat. But, still terribly ornamental! MR BURLING: Hmm. You dont mean that - that this young mans the captain? MARTIN: Yes, thats right, does that concern you? MR BURLING: Oh not in the least, Im all for youth opportunities, I was just thinking what er, an awful slap in the face it must be for Dougie here? DOUGLAS: Oh no, not really. MR BURLING: Oh but yes, yes really, I mean do you have to do everything he says? DOUGLAS: Well- MR BURLING: Arthur! My boy, are you still going around with that delightful girl with the squint? ARTHUR: No. MR BURLING: Did she say she couldnt see you any more? ARTHUR: Yes, she did. MR BURLING: Yes, I have to admit I prepared that one in advance. I was dreading that you might still be together so I couldnt use it. ARTHUR: Well were not. MR BURLING: Well it wasnt a big risk Ill admit. Just look at you! Right, thats enough pleasantries I think, shall we go? - ARTHUR: But now Ive got a new way of remembering, because Ireland wear green, because shamrocks are green, Scotland wear blue, cause its cold in Scotland, England wear red, cause the flags red, white and blue- DOUGLAS: England wear white. ARTHUR: Oh yeah, England wear white, cause the flags red, white and blue, France- DOUGLAS: -yes, jolly good. Martin, Mr Bs all settled and Ive got the weather for you. MARTIN: Never mind the weather, what was all that?! DOUGLAS: All what? MARTIN: That astonishing display of synchronised sycophancy. DOUGLAS: Oh very good, have you been working on that for a while? MARTIN: You said he was a nice old boy, hes a horrible old boy! ARTHUR: What, Mr B? No! DOUGLAS: Its just his way Martin, a little harmless joshing. MARTIN: He called you a failed criminal and Arthur a repulsive halfwit! ARTHUR: -and you- MARTIN: - I know what he called me, now how is that harmless joshing? DOUGLAS: Well, I think for someone from his background its- MARTIN: Oh I see, I know what this is, it doesnt matter how nasty he is, so long as he went to a jolly good public school like you two. DOUGLAS: Oh now thats not fair at all! Arthur went to a ghastly public school. ARTHUR: Its true, I did. I mean once, I was top in my year. Me! MARTIN: Well, for the duration of the trip, could we all please try to have a little professional dignity, and not go all gooey just because a man in an embroidered waistcoat calls us “dear boys”. DOUGLAS: He didnt call you a dear boy, he called you a little man. ARTHUR: Martin, you dont understand though- DOUGLAS: He understands perfectly Arthur. MARTIN: Hang on, hang on, I know that tone of voice, what are you trying to stop Arthur from telling me? DOUGLAS: I wouldnt dream of trying to- MARTIN: Arthur! ARTHUR: Well I was just gonna say - what about the tips! MARTIN: Oh, I see . . . DOUGLAS: Now look- MARTIN: Now it begins to make sense, big tipper is he, how nice! So he can treat you how he likes so long as he pays you off at the end of it, how very dignified. DOUGLAS: Its not like that. MARTIN: How much does he give you then, go on. DOUGLAS: Its not, its not a question of how much- MARTIN: Come on . . . DOUGLAS: Well if you must know, last year, he gave us five hundred pounds each. MARTIN: Oh. Very nice. ARTHUR: Yeah, but that was unusual- DOUGLAS: True, that was because England won. We cant expect that to happen this year. ARTHUR: Oh, arent England good any more? DOUGLAS: Not good enough to win a match between Wales and France, certainly. - MARTIN: Oh alright, lets get - oh hello. DOUGLAS: Carolyn, a flight deck visit, what a nice surprise. CAROLYN: Really? Is it really such a surprise to see me on Burling Day? DOUGLAS: Perhaps not. CAROLYN: Perhaps indeed not, open your flight bag. DOUGLAS: If you insist. (unzipping of a bag) MARTIN: Whats going on? DOUGLAS: Its a Burling Day tradition, a little contest Carolyn and I have . . . and that I win. CAROLYN: Its not a tradition, or a contest, it is systematic theft. You see Martin, Mr Burling is partial to twenty five year old Talisker single malt whisky- DOUGLAS: - as am I. CAROLYN: - as is Douglas, the difference being of course, that Mr Burling is a paying and valued customer, whilst Douglas is merely a sneaky thieving pilot. MARTIN: You drink his whisky on the trip? DOUGLAS: No of course not! I steal his whisky on the trip and drink it later. CAROLYN: Well, not this time. Philip! Arthur! Come in here! You know Philip from the fire crew dont you? DOUGLAS: Course, good morning Philip. PHILIP: Hello Mr Richardson. CAROLYN: Good. Philip - frisk him. Properly. PHILIP: Sorry about this Douglas. DOUGLAS: Quite all right. PHILIP: Erm, what am I looking for? CAROLYN: Tubes, reservoirs, bottles strapped to his legs, anything that can hold liquid. Now, lets see what we have in your flight bag. Hip flask, an obvious decoy - still - (unscrewing flask) ah! Water. Thought so. A shampoo bottle - for coloured hair. Surely youre not tinting Douglas? DOUGLAS: Oh! Does coloured mean dyed? I thought it just meant full of colour. CAROLYN: Yes, of course you did. Well, that seems to be shampoo. And - whats this? Nail varnish? MARTIN: Nail varnish? DOUGLAS: Well go on, sniff it, it is nail varnish. CAROLYN: (sniffs) Yes, yes it is. What do you want nail varnish for? DOUGLAS: If you must know, I find it prevents cracking and splitting. MARTIN: Well, I had no idea you were such a pretty pilot Douglas. DOUGLAS: Anyway, are you satisfied Carolyn? CAROLYN: For now, yes. But let me tell you this, fingers - on your return, Philip here will be once more frisking you with digits dextrous with practise, and I shall be going through your flight bag with the very finest of tooth combs. And if any of these things have magically transformed from water, shampoo and nail varnish (Martin giggling) into twenty five year old scotch, I shall know about it. Now then, Arthur. ARTHUR: Yes Mum? CAROLYN: I have here, thirteen little miniature bottles of Talisker: guard them with your life. When its time to give Mr Burling another whisky, you take one of these and a fresh glass, you open it in front of him, listening for the crack of the seal breaking like so: (crack) and you pour it out for him with one hand. ARTHUR: Why only one hand? CAROLYN: Because with the other hand, you will be most likely be fighting off the yogi bear of the drinks trolley, First Officer Richardson. (clinking bottles) Here they are. Except you cant give him this one, the seals been broken. Would er, anybody like to try it? Oh, hahaha, what am I thinking youre all about to go on duty, what a terrible shame. Oh well, cheers! (drinking) Oh - that is terribly good. - (bing bong) ARTHUR: (over intercom) Hello ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to - well, gentlemen. Well, gentleman. Well, Mr Burling. Hello Mr Burling! MR BURLING: Hello Arthur. ARTHUR: Ooh, hello! Er, anyway, welcome aboard. Er, the captain has now at this time disilluminated the seatbelt signs-MR BURLING: Yes, I saw. ARTHUR: -er, right, so you can if you wish, avail yourself of the opportunity to disengage your seatbelt at this moment in time. MR BURLING: Never did it up in the first place, Im not a girl. ARTHUR: Right. Actually I like doing it like this, its more like a chat isnt it? MR BURLING: It is. The snag being of course that the last thing I want from you is a chat. Whereas the first thing I want is another whisky. ARTHUR: Ah, righto! (footsteps, the crack of a bottle opening and the sound of a drink being poured) MR BURLING: Mmm, yum yum! ARTHUR: Mr B? What did you mean before when you said you werent surprised about Fliss and me breaking up? MR BURLING: Well, she was from a good family wasnt she? ARTHUR: I liked them. MR BURLING: There you are then! Even if she didnt get fed up with you, which frankly she surely did, doubtless her people put their foot down. ARTHUR: Why? MR BURLING: Well, for a start, youre twenty eight, you have a ridiculous job and you still live with your mother. ARTHUR: Well, yeah, but not in the “ooh, still lives with his mother” way people are thinking when they laugh about it, I just live with her because we get on really well, like friends, so why pay rent? MR BURLING: That is precisely what people are thinking when they laugh about it! ARTHUR: So, you dont think anyone will want to be with me? MR BURLING: Well Arthur, what it really boils down to is, Im bored of talking about this now, when do I get to visit the flight deck? ARTHUR: Ill - Ill go and see. - MARTIN: London good afternoon, this is Golf Echo Romeo Tango India, maintaining flight level two-five-zero, direct, pole hill. ATC: (over comms) Roger Golf Tango India, maintain two-five-zero. ARTHUR: (despondently) Hello. Would you like your coffee yet? MARTIN: Arthur? Whats the matter? ARTHUR: Nothing . . . just wondered if you wanted your coffee. DOUGLAS: And the thought reminded you of your cousin Vladimir, who died in a coffee mine? ARTHUR: No Im fine, Ill go and get it. Oh and Mr Burling was wondering if he can come up to the flight deck yet. DOUGLAS: Of course, of course, send the old boy up. MARTIN: What, no, of course not! Whats got into you both, you know the law! ARTHUR: Yeah but - its Mr Burling, he always visits- MARTIN: Oh I see, I wasnt aware that the air navigation order finished quote: “unless of course he went to the right school and is liable to tip you half a grand at the end of the flight” unquote. ARTHUR: Ah, but that was only because England won- MARTIN: Fine, a hundred quid, so much the more reason not to disregard- what the- (flight deck door opening) MR BURLING: Hello, I got bored waiting so I thought what Id do was just assume it would be fine. MARTIN: (spluttering) Well Im, Im, Im sorry sir but its not! CAA regulations and EUK law forbid any non crew member on the flight deck during the flight! MR BURLING: Oh nonsense, sort this out Douglas. DOUGLAS: Erm, Im very sorry Mr Burling, but if the captain insists theres nothing I can do. MR BURLING: Oh dear, I was right it is humiliating. You must feel totally emasculated. MARTIN: Sir, will you please return to your seat. MR BURLING: All right, all right. You mustnt expect much of a tip from me though Im afraid. DOUGLAS: Can I just emphasise that this is entirely the captains decision- MR BURLING: Yes, yes, I get the point but the fact remains Dougie: Im not enjoying myself. What should we do about that? DOUGLAS: Well. How about if I came back with you, showed you the flight plan, the charts, the weather maps? MR BURLING: Ah, yes, that might help. MARTIN: (mumbling) Why not get on your hands and knees and let him use you as a footstool. MR BURLING: Oh, and bring your hat. I like wearing your hat. Though its not as good as your captains hat - well, I need hardly tell you that. - MARTIN: (on the phone) All right, thank you. (to Mr Burling) I do apologise sir, but they assure me the limo is on its way, and will be with us momentarily. MR BURLING: Well, I dont suppose it will be here “momentarily”. MARTIN: Im sure it will sir. MR BURLING: No, I mean its not going to wink into existence beside us for a moment and then disappear is it? MARTIN: (sighing) No, no its not. MR BURLING: And yet, curiously if it did, we would still be one up on our current situation. MARTIN: As I say sir, I apologise. MR/ BURLING: Is that it? MARTIN: Yes. MR BURLING: The other two have explained to you, I hope, that Im rather a generous tipper. MARTIN: They did mention it, yes. MR BURLING: But that the level of my tips depends entirely on the quality of the um - well I was going to say customer service, but lets be straight with one another - the toadying I receive. MARTIN: I gathered that. But Im afraid sir, that I like to think of myself as not quite so easily bought. MR BURLING: Ah well, I see, I see. Then I shall see you after the match. Oh and for avoidance of doubt, it occurs to me that in a fairytale, I would be so impressed by your failure to be bought I would at the end of the trip give you an even bigger tip than anyone else. What you should know about me though, is that I like being toadied to, and I pay people to do it, so you wont be getting a sausa