不再做个“老好人”.doc

Stop Being a People-Pleaser发布时间：2012-11-01文章出自：原文链接：点击查看If youve always felt a compulsion to meet everyone elses needs before your own, its hard to imagine being different. People-pleasing is not only what you do, but a strong part of who you believe you are.In some jobs, immediate responsiveness comes with the territory (just think of fire fighters). In others a quick reply is preferable, such as with customer service reps or publicists. But in many other work situations, this cycle of responsiveness leads to neglect of the most important activities. Either they dont happen at all, or you end up filling your nights and weekends doing your real work with the last fumes of energy you can summon.Im intimately aware of this struggle because as the owner of a time coaching and training company, Ive worked with clients on six different continents who come to me feeling like victims of their circumstances. This leads them to resist doing the activities that could let them have a more sane work life, such as blocking out time for key activities, because someone will just mess up my schedule anyway.If this sounds like you, before you can move forward in your time management habits, you need to realize you dont have to be so vulnerable to these attacks on your schedule. You can maintain appropriate boundaries.But first, a few caveats:Wanting to make people happy is not an intrinsically negative quality. You are not a bad or flawed or inadequate person if serving others and receiving affirmation just fills you with joy. (I know because Im one of those people!) Its just that if you feel compelled to always help people even at the expense of other higher priorities you need to condition yourself to be less sensitive to other peoples needs and more aware of your own so you can stay in balance.Speaking of balance, if youre never helpful, always insistent on having your way, never wanting to go the extra mile, this article doesnt apply to you either. Its good to work as a team, to help others, and to give as much or more than you take. What I outline below applies to those who work themselves like crazy and are feeling exhausted, resentful, and frustrated because theyre not making headway on their own goals.If youre ready to start investing your time, instead of letting other people spend it for you, Ive outlined three common scenarios that can trigger your people-pleaser tendencies and how you can think and act differently:Many managers feel guilty about the fact that theyre in so many meetings so they develop the mindset that Im a bad manager if I dont always keep my door open when Im in my office. But this can lead to every spare minute between appointments being filled by people walking through their door eager for attention. In turn, all of their own work needs to happen in the evenings and weekends, which then leads to a cycle of guilt about being a bad spouse, parent, or friend. If this sounds like you, the escape route is to change your standards for what it means to be a good manager. This then frees you to set better boundaries and get more work done at work. For instance your mindset could be: Part of being a good manager is demonstrating the importance of focusing on high priority work. I can keep my door closed during certain times of the week when I need to get things done without guilt.In instances like this, youve set up strict rules about what someone in a role should or shouldnt do; but in fact, these rules are negotiable. By changing your standards for what it means to be a good friend, significant other, employee, or committee member, you can keep better boundaries without feeling guilty.You dont always need to explain why youre setting those boundaries, either. You can simply say, I have to go, or Im so sorry but I cant come help you at this moment, please send me an e-mail with your request.The Yes! Man or Woman ScenarioIf youre an energetic, service-oriented person, your tendency is to always respond to any request by saying, Sure, I can do that. Or when youre sitting in a meeting and someone asks for volunteers to help, you always raise your hand. Or even when no one asks for help but you know they need it you offer to assist. In and of itself, a strong desire to take action isnt bad. But if this attitude means that youre completely overloaded with work and unfocused on your top priorities, you are failing to keep the commitments that truly should fall under your ownership. A way you can retrain yourself to not take on too much is to ask the question: Do I actually have excess time to spend on this activity? If yes, then its fine to take it on. If not and youre not prepared to let go of something that currently occupies your time you need to refrain from offering your services.In many instances, there are other people who can step up. If you cant resist the urge to jump in, disconnect yourself when youre off hours so that youre not even aware of every crisis.Even if it seems like a cant-miss opportunity, remember that there will always be other chances. There will always be more events, more conferences, more articles, even more crises to solve more of everything. If you dont make time for whats an enduring priority for you, such as sleep, rest, or time with important people, youll miss out on what truly matters.The Ill Just Do It Myself ScenarioIn my experience, highly intelligent, hardworking people tend to struggle with letting go of control through delegation. This challenge seems most acute when they go from a doing role such as a consultant to a leading role such as a department head. Instead of passing off responsibilities to the appropriate parties, you tell yourself, It will just take a minute. I can get this done better and faster than anyone else. These thoughts do have some truth to them in that you may have the ability to execute on some activities very well. But if youre like most business leaders, you dont have the minutes to spare. In a typical week, youll have just a few precious work hours you can devote to doing the activities that only you can do. The first question you should ask with any it