雅思作文——长沙北雅朱礼逵之修改学生雅思作文2.doc

（长沙北雅）朱礼逵之修改学生雅思作文2IELTS test in Australia June 2010 (General Training)Writing Task 2 (an essay)It is often said that people over 60 should not work any more because of the problems they create, the employers should make them retire. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your opinion.There is a topic on the Guardian, Times, New York Time, whether the old man over 60 should retire. Somebody contend the old man is easy to get tired so that they can not finish their work timely while the others have a dissent pinion.1，There are many debates whether the old man over 60 should retire or not, on the Guardian, Times, New York Time.学生必须在第一个段落马上呈现自己的观点，让读者尽量少花时间来思索和前后综合来理解你的观点。如果是我的话，我会：I insist that the topic idea, from some aspects, is reasonable, and that we should not ignore some special cases.As far as I know, the old man, especially who has high pressure, diabetes and high cholesterols often need rest when he exposes to some situation of difficulty and huge stress. Hence, the daily work could not be completed. Then, the solution to a problem will be chopped and changed due to the development and research of technology. The old man is tough to have access to these advanced techniques, for instance, surfing the internet, taking advantage of Microsoft Office software, for enhancing the efficiency of the holistic work. Thus, the old man should retire when he is 60 years old.你这个段落的point是什么呢？到底是站在那几个角度这个观点有合理之处呢？还是说这个观点忽略了一些现实的事实呢？所以我觉得简单点这样都好些：some people could find many evidences to support some managers to fix some rules of making some old employees to retire around 60-year-old.当然也有牛人能够不需要这样的引导句子，但是学生你还是应该要走稳妥路线。 我作为老师需要很费力的来理解你的point.你甚至没有point. the old man, especially who has high pressure, diabetes and high cholesterols often need rest when he exposes to some situation of difficulty and huge stress.这个句子的事实能够证明他们应该退休呢，还是不退休。不够直接。我觉得应该这样改就比较直接了：the old employees, especially who have high pressure, diabetes and high cholesterols, may have accidents, causing severe consequences for themselves and firms, or have troubles in coping with some jobs which need much physical energy.粗体字部分，我要让读者能够马上知道60岁的继续工作话，坏处就是会产生意外事故，和不能很好的处理需要大量体力的工作，缺点非常明显，所以当然不应该继续工作了。而学生你只是说他们需要休息，这个我觉得更多的是他们产生意外后需要休息。As far as I know, the old man, especially who has high pressure, diabetes and high cholesterols often need rest when he exposes to some situation of difficulty and huge stress. Hence, the daily work could not be completed.学生你应该最好是把这个句子整成一个句子，会更加明白一点，我觉得你应该记住这个句子：每一个主谓宾应该直接能够说明问题，并且最好是不要用两个有因果关系的句子来证明point。最主要的是“often need rest”这个谓语，我无法判断这个是old employees继续工作的坏处，而是你新提出的一个操作建议。Then, the solution to a problem will be chopped and changed due to the development and research of technology. .不是很清楚，我只要求一个，请说服我这是old employees继续工作下去的坏处，我没有得到。学生说，请老师你继续观察后面。 The old man is tough to have access to these advanced techniques, for instance, surfing the internet, taking advantage of Microsoft Office software, for enhancing the efficiency of the holistic work。这个句子确实能够直接attach主题。我要强调：每一个句子都应该是要有用的，所以,the solution to这句子删除了不要了。罗嗦而没有作用。Thus, the old man should retire when he is 60 years old.这个句子是应该放在这个段落第一句的。如果第一句有这个：some people could find many evidences to support some managers to fix some rules of making some old employees to retire around 60-year-old.那么 thus,就要删除。Admittedly, the old man could make a contribution to the work. The older the man is, the more the knowledge and experience he owns. Take the doctor as the example, the young doctor has no qualification to entail the essential operation. Only can the old doctor cure the patient in danger. Meanwhile, the old man is so veteran that he can handle the intricate status quo ranging from rotation and dispatching of the employees to checking the audit and coping with the bad debts. Therefore, the old man is conductive to the company.这个段落应该加这个句子统领整个段落: however, it doesnt mean that this solution should be applied in every firms, or organizations. 2, Admittedly, the old man could make a contribution to the work.这个句子我们来仔细考究下：A(老员工能够做贡献)-B（所以如果退休话，这个才是主题）-C（所以就不能做贡献，所以就说这个有损失）你需要读者再思索两步才能到point. 其实这个句子完全能够很好的展开,并且在证明角度更加直接：there were many reports that some colleges often provided complains that the retirements of some old professors, especially some who had special techniques, amounts of experiences including managing, and researching, and reputation in his or her field in the world, brought huge cost for them. 粗体字部分直接说这样做的坏处。The older the man is, the more the knowledge and experience he owns.这句子呢。应该就是废话了。3，Take the doctor as the example, the young doctor has no qualification to entail the essential operation. 主语居然变成了the young doctor,题目里面讲的主体是old employees.Only can the old doctor cure the patient in danger. 而这个呢，就是新的判断了，你不能说只有old doctor 才能够治病，我觉得太绝对以至于不符合事实。首先必须正确（正确包含语法，词句，关键是讲的是符合事实的），而后是清楚，而后是高级。Meanwhile, the old man is so veteran that he can handle the intricate status quo ranging from rotation and dispatching of the employees to checking the audit and coping with the bad debts. Therefore, the old man is conductive to the company.我往往会要求学生变成,there are many reports,变成别人