A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing

There are three kinds of lies lies damned lies and statistics Benjamin Disraeli The first ninety minutes of a football match are the most important Bobby Robson Writing in C or C is like running a chain saw with all the safety guards removed Bob Gray Although prepared for martyrdom I preferred that it be postponed Winston Churchill We ll get along fine as soon as you realize I m God I don t have a drinking problem I drink I get drunk I fall down No problem If you ve got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow John Wayne If you want to make God laugh tell him your future plans Woody Allen Just because you re not paranoid doesn t mean they re not out to get you I have made an important discovery that alcohol taken in sufficient quantities produces all the effects of intoxication Oscar Wilde All animals are equal but some are more equal than others George Orwell Coding styles are like assholes everyone has one and no one likes anyone elses Eric Warmenhoven Madam you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it Thomas Beecham Please do not shoot the pianist He is doing his best Oscar Wilde Don t be so humble you are not that great Golda Meir In 1969 I gave up women and alcohol and it was the worst 20 minutes of my life George Best Politics doesn t make strange bedfellows marriage does Groucho Marx There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime Mature responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them P J O Rourke Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers Leonard Brandwein When you see a married couple coming down the street the one who is two or three steps ahead is the one that s mad Helen Rowland There is still no cure for the common birthday John Glenn If your parents never had children chances are you won t either Dick Cavett I was always unlawful I broke the law when I was born because my parents weren t married George Bernard Shaw When Peter Beardsley appears on television daleks hide behind the sofa Nick Hancock Being a full time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs since the payment is pure love Mildred B Vermont Computers can figure out all kinds of problems except the things in the world that just don t add up James Magary Birthdays are good for you Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest Larry Lorenzoni Eat drink and be merry for tomorrow they may make it illegal Dublin University contains the cream of Ireland rich and thick Samuel Beckett Only one thing is impossible for God To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet Mark Twain There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things Men want women and women want men George Burns This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly It should be thrown with great force Dorothy Parker Between two evils I always pick the one I never tried before Mae West The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev Robin Williams Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes Oscar Wilde An amateur is someone who supports himself with outside jobs which enable him to paint A professional is someone whose wife works to enable him to paint Ben Shahn At the age of six years I wanted to be a chef At the age of seven I wanted to be Napoleon My ambitions have continued to grow at the same rate ever since Salvador Dali I ve been accused of vulgarity I say that s bullshit Mel Brooks It is impossible to travel faster than light and certainly not desirable as one s hat keeps blowing off Woody Allen There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world and the worst of it is that half of them are true Winston Churchill Television is to news what bumper stickers are to philosophy Richard Nixon That s Mr Smut Peddler to you Larry Flynt Bart stop pestering Satan Marge Simpson That sex was the most fun I ever had without laughing Woody Allen A fool and his money are soon elected Will Rogers Submitted by Breanna Likely You ll never find a woman as good as your Mother so why am I still looking Work is the curse of the drinking class I m not normally a religious man but if you re up there save me Superman Homer Simpson There cannot be a crisis next week My schedule is already full Henry A Kissinger Power means not having to respond Don t knock masturbation It s sex with someone I love Woody Allen Harold Wilson is going around the country stirring up apathy William Whitelaw How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter Woody Allen English Who needs that I m never going to England Homer Simpson The problem with the youth of today is that one is no longer part of it Salvador Dali The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke but the Scotts haven t seen the joke yet Oliver Herford Software Engineering is that part of Computer Science which is too difficult for the Computer Scientist F L Bauer I am a marvelous housekeeper Every time I leave a man I keep his house Zsa Zsa Gabor To err is human but to really foul things up you need a computer Paul Ehrlich To err is human but to really foul things up requires a computer Farmers Almanac 1978 My father hated radio and could not wait for television to be invented so he could hate that too Peter De Vries Marge I m going to miss you so much And it s not just the sex It s also the food preparation Homer Simpson There ought to be one day just one when there is open season on senators Will Rogers Another such victory and we are undone Pyrrhus If it weren t for Philo T Farnsworth inventor of television we d still be eating frozen radio dinners Johnny Carson A modest man who has much to be modest about On Clement Atlee Winston Churchill I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle Mitch Hedberg There s nothing more restful than taking orders from fools Programming is like sex one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life Michael Sinz All the good music has already been written by people with wigs and stuff Frank Zappa Maybe there is no actual place called hell Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they re eating sandwiches Jim Carrey Most rock journalism is people who can t write interviewing people who can t talk for people who can t read Frank Zappa It s not that you and I are so clever but that the others are such fools I tried sex once with a woman and that woman was Gala It was overrated I tried sex once with a man and that man was the famous juggler Federico Garcia Lorca the Spanish Surrealist poet It was very painful Salvador Dali USA Today has come out with a new survey Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population David Letterman My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them Mitch Hedberg Forgive your enemies but never forget their names John F Kennedy Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent around April fifteenth of the next year P J O Rourke Money can t buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups alcohol caffeine sugar and fat Alex Levine The great thing about television is that if something important happens anywhere in the world day or night you can always change the channel From Taxi O Lord help me to be pure but not yet Saint Augustine Marriage is a great institution but I m not ready for an institution Mae West Mona Lisa looks as if she has just been sick or is about to be Noel Coward Basically my wife was immature I d be in my bath and she d come in and sink my boats Woody Allen 科目一考试网 科目一模拟考试 2016 最新版 I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money They said What for I said I m going to buy some sugar Steven Wright First you forget names then you forget faces Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally you forget to pull it down George Burns I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me Woody Allen Marriage is a wonderful institution but who wants to live in an institution Groucho Marx My Father had a profound influence on me he was a lunatic Spike Milligan I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7 30 to 8 to educate America They couldn t educate America if they started at 6 30 Groucho Marx Nooo You don t have the Nottingham Twang Eddie Izzar