英语写作的笑话之五.doc

46/ The Best AnswerA newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out? The winning reply was: The one nearest the exit. 47/Moses & JesusA burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice Jesus is watching you. He looks around with his flashlight wandering What the hell was that?” He spots some $ on a table and takes it.Once again he hears a voice “Jesus is watching you. He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks “Was that your voice?. It said Yes. He then says Whats your name?” It says Moses. The burglar says “What kind of person names his bird Moses? The parrot replies The same person that names his Rottweiler Jesus48/ Skinny Dipping One day Jimmy went down to the pond for a dip, but before he could dive in he spied his teacher, Mrs. Smith, emerging from nude bathing. When Mrs. Smith saw Jimmy, she grabbed the nearest object - which happened to be an old wooden box - and held it in front of her.Young man, I know what youre thinking, she said.And I know what youre thinking, replied Jimmy. Youre thinking that box has a bottom on it!49/ The Bait A man and his wife were on a holiday. They went for a sail. Unfortunately the wife fell overboard and was drowned. The man asked the pier-master to let him know if her body was found. Two weeks later he received a wire saying: Body recovered yesterday covered with crabs. Send instructions. The man sent a wire back saying, Sell crabs, send the money; reset bait.50/ Chaude and ColdA patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. This is an outrage, he complained. The faucet marked C gave me boiling water.But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal.Wait a minute, roared the patron. The other tap is also marked C.Of course, said the manager, It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city.51/ You Can Marry Any One of Them One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for a while, he tells his daughter she cant do it because hes her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, Mom. What have you been doing all your life? Dads been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I cant marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers! Her mom replies, Dont worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isnt really your dad.52/ Free Advice? A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when youre out of the office?I give it to them, replied the lawyer, and then I send them a bill. The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.53/Chicken Soup Joe was in the hospital and it was time for lunch. He looks at his lunch and says, I dont like chicken soup, bring something else. The hospital worker said, Its good for you, the doctor said you should have it. Regardless, the patient refused to eat it. That night, a patient in the room with Joe had a bad stomach pain so the nurses came in to give him an enema. By mistake, they gave the enema to Joe. The following week, when he was leaving the hospital, a new patient asked him how he liked the hospital. He told him, Well, the hospital itself is pretty good, but theyre very strict about their food. When they bring up chicken soup you better eat it, or else theyll come back in the middle of the night and shove it up your behind!54/ Business Just StartedA young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, Can I help you? The man said, Yeah, Ive come to activate your phone lines.55/ Class, Lass and Ass Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow. A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the c in the word class. The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the c erased-calmly walked up and erased the l in lass, looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.56/ A Hasty InterruptionThe fine-furniture store where I work has been in business since the 1920s. Recently I received a call from a woman who wanted to replace some chairs from a dining set purchased from us in the 1930s. I assured her we could help and sought the assistance of the office manager. Youll never believe this one,” I told him. I just got a call from a customer who bought some chairs from us in the 1930s. Before I could finish repeating her request, he interrupted and said, Dont tell me she hasnt received them yet!57/ Parking ExpensesA businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer. He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan. The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan. An employee then drove the Rolls into the banks underground garage and parked it there.Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?The business man replied: Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?58/ He Never Heard a Thing!Working at the post office, Im used to dealing with a moody public. So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, Whats the trouble? I went out this morning, she began, and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing! After apologizing, I got her parcel. Oh, good, she gushed. Weve been waiting for this for ages. What is it? I asked. My husbands new hearing aid.59/PhotoA businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, and then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finis