巴比伦饭店_第一季第一集.doc

MAN: Maybe youre on holiday.Maybe youre on a business trip.Maybe you missed the last train or the last flight.Thanks.Maybe youre getting married.Maybe you had a row with your wife or husbandand they kicked you out.Chances areyou might end up somewhere like this.Just sign there.863? For two nights?Sir, the bill is fully itemised.Room charge, restaurant, bar,telephone, dry cleaning.How can you justify charging these prices?This is extortion.Okay, its gonna cost you an arm and a leg,and if this is your first visit,it may come as a bit of a shock,but what are you gonna get for your money?The best view.The best service.The finest ingredients.The utmost discretion.But thats not the whole picture.What youre really paying for is the opportunityto live out your wildest, darkest, craziest fantasies.To be, for maybe just a night or two,the person you really want to be.Im not paying it.Mr Austin, glad I caught you.Mrs Austin left some personal items in the room.Perhaps on your next visit, Mrs Austin can enjoy some complimentary sessionsin our health and beauty spa.Whatever or whoever you want to be.Thank you.well look after you.What would you say your responsibilitieswould be if I gave you the job?Id say my number one responsibility as deputy manager would be to the guests,to ensure they have an enjoyable and relaxing stay.My job is to serve them, no matter how absurd,bizarre or perverse their requirements may be.(PAGER BEEPING)Oh, God. Sorry. Do you mind?I think I have all the necessary skills.Im organised, ambitious,and I just think the job will be morepersonally rewarding than working on reception.You said think twice.Is that a bad thing?Try using believe, as in,I believe your account is overdue, Mrs Akiko.Puts a more positive spin on things.Let me see. Did we find the finger?Okay, get him to a hospital.(PAGER BEEPING)You have all the attributes of a good receptionist.Youre polite, handsome, flirtatiousand yet strangely asexual.Thank you.So why would I want to lose my best receptionistand gain an inexperienced deputy manager?Come on, out! The honesty baris for guests, not for the homeless.Every bloody morning hes here.Maybe I put some ice down his back, eh?Ill handle this. Thank you, Gino.Darling, its gone 9:00. Time to go to work.Dinner will be on the table when you get home.Come on, out.Imagine your worst day,a day when everything goes wrongand everyone blames you.Then multiply that by 10.That is an average dayin the life of a hotel manager.Doesnt put me off. I want to progress.One day I want your job.In another five star hotel, obviously.Dont tell me,its always been your boyhood dream.Well, no, what kid grows updreaming about running a hotel?I did. Whats in the box, Tony?Mr Kendal, 302, requested female company.I offered him a female escort.He asked for something a little bit different.If youll excuse me,I have to go and source a foot pump.Any questions?Just one. If a job in managementis as bad as you say it is, then why do you do it?I never said the job was bad.I said it was long hours and hard work.There are also a lot of perks.Like?Like, if you ever get the job,youll discover for yourself.My last three deputies all quit within six months.None of them were tough enoughto stand up to me. Are you?I. I believe so.Good interview, Charlie.Ill be making my decision after the weekend.The Saudi gentleman, Sheik.?Sheik Ahmed Bin Marmet.Hes been waiting around all morning, wantedto thank you personally for your nderstanding.The question youve got to ask yourself is,is the job really worth all the arsekissing that goes with it?Its the best job in the world. It is.You get rich, beautiful guestsmaking passes at you.Youre surrounded by the best of everything,and on top of that, the tips are great.Yeah, the tips are good.And for a manager, theyre excellent.Mr. Mr Geffen.Texas Geffen.Came here a couple of weeks ago.He lent Rebeccathe keys to his villa in Barbados as a thank you.Well, if she wants someone to carry her bags.The real reason why I want this job so badly,one day, I want to be able to comeinto a place like this, as a guest,rent the biggest suite,order anything day in and day out,and money just not be an object.Never gonna happen.Exactly.So surely, the next best thingis being in charge of a place like this,and if I have to kiss a little bit of arse,then.Ill happily pucker up.Do you think shell give you the job?No idea.Dont suppose itll improve your chancesif youre three minutes latefor her morning meeting?Oh, shit. You coming?No, Im not the onelooking for a promotion, sunshine.Pucker up.Sorry Im late, Rebecca.Dont make a habit of it, Charlie.Anything juicy in last nights log?Relatively quiet nightuntil Mrs Salcombe in room 706opened her minibar and discovered this.A chocolate bar.Open it and see.You can imagine her disappointment.Good God, this must have taken someone hours.Sorry Im late, Rebecca.Dont worry about it, Tony.How much do we charge for this bar?1.Arrange for a complimentary basket of chocolatesto be sent up to Mrs Salcombewith our apologies.Then find out who occupied room 706 before her.Are we sure this was not doneby a chambermaid?They eat all bloody day.My girls dont steal.Why is a guest perfectly happyshelling out 200 a night for a room,but they wont pay for a bar of chocolate?Well, their expenses dont cover the minibar.They cant claim it back.Oh, please.Okay, listen up.The duty manager at the Burlingtonhas been on the phone, wants to knowif we can accommodate the Junk Dogs.The what?Theyre not a what, theyre a who.The Junk Dogs are an American rock outfit,three nights into a fivenight gigat Wembley Arena.What do we know about them?Bass player is a convicted arsonist,burnt down the Aristotle in Denvera couple of years ago.Heavy drinkers?Rockandrollers, Gino.Theyll clear your bar out in about two hours.JACKIE: Sound like trouble.Im expecting a 1796 Napoleon cognac in today.I can sell it for 600 a shot.Mark it up as 750. Ill get back to the Burlington,tell them wed be delighted to welcome the.Junk Dogs.The Junk Dogs. Rock and roll, everybody!Excuse me, Rebecca. Its only a small point,but were already booked 120%.We currently dont have any room for them.Im sure we can squeeze them in somewhere,cant we, Charlie?CHARLIE: Rockstars love hotels,and we love having them to stay.Parties in the suite, roundtheclock room service,champagne Jacuzzis, groupies by the bus load.The rich, the famous and the notorious,they are our lifeline,and we never, ever turn them away.Apologies for the inconvenience,ladies and gentlemen,but due to an electrical fault,we have to clear the floor.We do, of course,only have your safety and comfort in mind.Reception will be happy to give you new roomsor alternative accommodation at a nearby hotel.How are we doing?Just clearing the floor now.Find Jackie. Get housekeeping to sweep through.Why do they need the entire floor to themselves?Security reasons. All celebrities are cowards.Oh, Charlie, Ill be givingyour page and mobile numbers to the band.Anything they want, any time of day,they can call you.Me?You want to progress to management,heres an opportunity to prove yourself.You can count on me, Rebecca.Build up a rapport with them.Make them feel comfortable, relaxed and special.Get them into the bar as soon as they arrive?Exactly.Oh, I do hope they refrain from urinating.I hate it when guests urinate on our property.(CLEARING THROAT)Oh. Hi.Were just emptying the 7th floor.You got any chambermaids free?Ill see what I can do.Was there anything else you wanted from me?Weve got a problem with 706.Right.MAN: Oh, yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!(KNOCKING ON DOOR)I got reception to phone the room,but there was no answer.(WOMAN MOANING)MAN: Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait.Cant we just let ourselves in?That is the biggest nono of the job.You never, under any circumstances,let yourself into an occupied room.Right. Guests privacy.Actually, no, its for your own safety.So how are we gonna get them out?Morning, men. Can I interest youin a lovely piece of fine cheese?(MAN AND WOMAN MOANING)This never happened.Yeah!So how long do we wait?(WOMAN SCREAMING)MAN: What the.(BANGING)That didnt sound very good.This is a thoroughly regrettable incident,and we will, of course,take care of your expenses at the Chesterton,and please allow us to provide youwith a limousine service to the airport tomorrow.Begin your honeymoon in stylewith our compliments.Apologies for the disruption, madam,but we have found you accommodationat another hotel in the area.Im just preparing your final bill now.Preparing the bill for you now.(SIGHING)Charlie, can I take a break soon?Were kind of busy.I know, but I want to freshen upbefore the band get here.Ben, these are harddrinking American rock stars.Theyre not gonna fall in love with you.Sometimes you can be so cruel.Its for tonight,if thats not too much of an imposition.Ill look into that for you, sir, of course.Have you noticed anything oddabout Rebecca today?No.Its Friday,and shes wearing the black Armani twopiece.So?The black Armani twopieceshe wears on Thursdays.Its the same suit that she wore yesterday.I thought you had to be gayto notice things like that.No, observation is 90% of the concierges job.When a woman like Rebeccawears the same clothes two days running,something isnt right.I want a receipt.Thank you.Id like to check in.Certainly, madam. The name?The Junk Dogs.Ah, weve been looking forward to your arrival.Will the musicians be checking in themselves?Theyre doing a sound check.Ill take care of the paperwork.Okay. All right, just need a couple of signatureshere and here.Can I just say, madam, that its an honourto have the Junk Dogs stay here?I am an enormous fan of their music.Ill pass that message on to them.Theyll be thrilled.Theyve been working very hard to reach the gayblack demographic.It is good to see their efforts havent been in vain.Its just like flushing a toilet on an areroplane.Vacuum drainage system.Good for the guests, good for the environment.Ah, this very powerful showercan comfortably accommodatetwo to three people if thats your thing.What do you care what my thing is?Your thing is none of my business, madam.Are you flirting with me?No, Miss Bailey, Im trying to suggest.To what? Insinuate that I like group showers?What next? Are you gonna show up at my door tonight with a bar of soap?Morning, my apologies for not meeting you at reception.Rebecca Mitchell, General Manager.Nina Bailey. Im looking after the bandthrough their European leg of the tour.I hope that my head receptionist has shown youaround one of the best suites in our hotel.Right down to flushing the john.Then I trust thateverythings to your satisfaction?Yes, thank you.The temperature? The layout?Its all okay.The view? The curtains?We have the same style of curtainsbut in blue, if that would be more calming.I dont want you to change anything.Very well, madam.If you do need us for anything at all.Oh, actually, there was something.Madam?Maybe I wasnt looking hard enough,but I cant remember seeing a welcome basket.Welcome basket?Fruit, pt, olives.The Burlington were kind enough to provide one free of charge.Why wasnt there a welcome basket in the room? I assumed housekeeping would do it.First rule of hotel management, never assume anything.If youre not doing it yourself, you can take it for granted that its not getting done.Question, why do hotels love celebrities? Because they spend lots of money.And?Publicity. When the rich and the famous get drunk and behave badly,they do it under our roof.Any tabloid article that mentions these American rock starsmust mention the hotel theyre staying at. Got it.If youre not up for this, Charlie, then tell me now.Im up for it.I put my trust in you. Dont let me down.Jackies been on the phone. She wants a room inspection on 404.Ten minutes.Any paparazzi turned up yet?Not yet.What time did you call them and tip them off?All right, leave it to me.Cheers, mate. I owe you.If you get the deputy managers job, youll pay.Can I help you inside with those bags,Mr Matthews?Im helping Mr Matthews now.Can I help you to the lifts with the bags, Mr Matthews, sir?Ah, very kind of you. Thank you, Peter. All part of the service.Whats she doing here?Cute. Who is she?Anna, lovely to meet you.Hello.Would you like to come this way to my office?Brilliant. Thank you.Anna ThorntonWilton. Shes the head receptionist at the Chesterton.Well, if shes arriving through the front doors,then shes either a guestor shes here for a job interview.Im gonna go and do that room inspection.You wanted a room inspection? Yes, please. Okay.Thats all fine.Looks okay to me. Me, too.Right.(CHANTING) We want the Junk Dogs!We want the Junk Dogs!We want the Junk Dogs! We want the Junk Dogs!What time are they getting here?Post gig. Should be around midnight.Ive also arranged another little welcome surprise for them.Excellent.Is it my imagination,or are there more bell boys on tonight?When the celebrity circus is in town, everyone wants to work. Excuse me.Absolutely, madam, thats all organised for you.Rebecca, theres something you need to see.Okay, thanks very much.I didnt know it was your caruntil I ran a check on the number plate.No one saw or heard anything, but Ive gotMustafa running off the CCTV tape right now.Forget it. Its probably just kids.Why dont we just keep this between ourselves for now?We dont want gueststhinking their cars are at risk.As you wish.Ive got a nephew who works in a garage.He might be able to sort you out a decent rate.Thanks, Derek.Leave it with me, boss.Good evening, Mrs Rautenan,Tony from the concierge desk.Very well, thank you. Yourself?Just a courtesy call to let you know that your theatre tickets have arrived.Ill get them sent up to you, madam.Come in.Your tickets, madam.Thank you, could you put them there for me?Will there be anything else?My hands are busy. Id love a chocolate. I dont suppose you could.Absolutely. This one? Yes, thats fine.Mmm.Thank you.All part of the service, madam.Have a pleasant evening.Yeah, thank you.Not even a towel over her private areas?Nothing.Youre the luckiest son of a bitch I ever met.Why does nothing like this ever happen for me, eh?Because you make your own luckin this world, Gino.Who is it, please?Room service.Complimentary drinks from the bar, madam. One moment. Come on in.My wife is dressing for the theatre, but please put the drinks on the table.Cambiare.A coin has rolled under the bed, Im afraid.If I lift the corner, could you crawl underneath me to retrieve it?Car trouble. I need a room for the night. Im afraid were full.Charlie, this is me youre talking to. No, seriously, what with the band and.Oh.I can phone round,see if theres any vacancies.What, and give money to the competition?Was that Anna ThorntonWiltonthat I saw in the lobby earlier?She came in for the deputy manager position.Her CV is very impressive.Im sure shes very good, consideringthe short amount of experience that shes had.Of course, you have an advantage over her,dont you, Charlie?I do?You have a chance to prove yourself in front of me.For example, by ensuring that our baris sufficiently stockedfor the arrival of our rock stars.Funnily enough, I was just about to do that.Thank you.What a day! Flight delayed by three hours.They misplace my luggage,and then I get a cab driverwho decides to take the scenic route.I tell you, today cannot get any worse.You have a room for me. The names Pullins.Mr Pullins.Unfortunately, sir, weve had someelectrical problems this afternoon.(CLAMOURING)(WOMEN SCREAMING)Were all very excited about having you here.The restaurants open for another hour,and the bars at your disposal all night.(ROCK MUSIC BLARING ON TV)If you gentlemen need anything, day or night,then please.Switch that thing off!We had some problems with porn channels in Germany.Can you believe the hoteltried charging us treble their standard rate?A mistake like that would never happen here, Miss Bailey.Ive stayed in enough of these air-conditioned hell holes to know how they work.Biggest money spinning operationIve ever come across.We aim to provide a good service.This suite alone is costing the record company3,500 a night.How much do you thinkits costing the hotel to turn it around?I couldnt possibly put a price on it, madam.Lets see, shall we?Heating, lighting, washing the sheets and towels,labour charge of a cleaner. 10 a day?Thats quite a markup.Then youve got the balls to sticka couple of chocolates on the pillowsand call them complimentary!Hello.Something to do with you?I took the liberty of organisinga little entertainment for our rock stars, yeah.I dont think theyre gonna be needed tonight.Why not? Somebody reinvent the wheel?Rock stars love hookers.Are you coming to Samanthas for a drink tonight?I cant. Ive got to stick aroundjust in case the band needs so