GRE 评改文章及写作策略.doc

包凡一GRE写作讲义GRE 评改文章及写作策略Current Problems1. no examples or evidence to support statements2. failure to demonstrate the understanding of the complexitya. implications of a statement (legally ban smoking), b. qualification of a statement (narrow down a general and vague statement), c. and acknowledge the merits in an opposing view3. three body paragraphs instead of two (prepare examples in advance)4. to apply the TOEFL tactics to GRE 5. simple repition in the final paragraph6. poor working vocabularySolutionswrite exampleswrite beginning paragraphs and and an outline for the body partsend it to me at my email addressincrease working vocabularyReserch Paper as an exampleFirst Chapter1. hypothesis and null-hypothesis2. literature review3. methodology discussion4. conclusionSecond ChapterThe content of the surveyThe operation or the calculationConcluding ChapterFirst paragraph states what this chapter is about.The last paragraph states what has been talked about.PS as examplesBand 4 and 6 as examples 缺乏例证Nonmainstream areas and Human NeedsRules: Present your perspective on the issue below, using relevant reasons and/or examples to support your views.Topic: Such nonmainstream areas of inquiry as astrology, fortune-telling, and psychic and paranormal pursuits play a vital role in society by satisfying human needs that are not addressed by mainstream science. 原稿： It is true that in contemporary society the nonmainstream areas of inquiry, such as astrology, fortune-telling and the like, satisfy human needs more than the mainstream science. But what we should bear in mind is that, always it is the mainstream science that point out the way to overcome various obstacles, and light up peoples hope in true meaning.语言错误：1. “It is true” 是多余的。第一句话中的”more”出了很大的问题，曲解了原意, 把 nonmainstream 的作用说的比mainstream enquiry 还要重要。原来说的是 “play a vital role”, 并不是 “pivotal” role. 书面英语中应避免使用“And the like”。“燃起希望”：spark hope, kindle hope“light up” 的意思是给人带来兴奋和快乐，如：The shining report cards lit Fathers face up. /The funny caroon picture lit up the childrens eyes. 改后稿： In contemporary society nonmainstream areas of inquiry such as astrology and fortune-telling satisfy human needs more than mainstream science. But we should bear in mind that mainstream science always points the way to overcome obstacles and sparks peoples hope in finding truth.第1段写作要求1. put forth a clear perspective 2. demonstrate the understanding of the complexities or implications of the issue.3. prepare readers for the main ideas of the following paragraphs改后稿2. In deed, astrology, fortune-telling and psychic readings can sometimes provide comfort when we are feeling sad, color our lives when we are bored, and spark hope when we are depressed. But these pursuits are ultimately based on falsehood and their benefits are short-lived and illusionary. Sicence remains the most reliable means through which we understand ourselves, derive wisdom, confidence and hope.原稿： Although called nonmainstream areas, we should not ignore that to some extent, these areas such as astrology play an active role in society. We can see that in various festivals, no matter Chinese (such as Spring Festival) or Western (such as Valentines Day), people are willing to resort to astrology, mostly hoping to meet good luck. This kind of activitiy always meets their needs, because the anquivolent nature of astrology destines it will not dampen peoples enthusiasm and hope. With these nonmainstream areas peoples life becomes more colorful. 点评：第一句话语法错误，主语应该是”these areas”, 但是现在看上去变成了 “We”.“No matter”应改为“whether”。 “meet good luck” 不是好的英语表达。“This kind” 后面应该是复数。“destine”一词表示“一定”，通常是用形容词：He was destined for an important career in the Church of England. /By family tradition he was destined for a career as a regular army officer.Mandelas statement from prison destined to smolder in the homes and servant quarters.改后稿： Although they are called nonmainstream, we should admit that to some extent, beliefs such as astrology play an active role in society. We can see that in various holidays, whether Chinese or Western, people are willing to resort to nonmainstream ideas. These kinds of activities meet our needs because they encourage enthusiasm and hope and make peoples lives more colorful.评语：本文中的例子不足以支持论点，情人节不是什么占星术，人们也不会寄希其带来好运。中国的春节习俗在中国是非常主流的文化内容，不能算是非主流的。国外源于宗教的节日都不能归类于非主流。作者说了非主流的信仰能够丰富人们的生活，我们一定要用具体的实例来说明这些信仰如何丰富了人们的生活。其实，在这段中可以说明一下非科学的信仰解决了人们的什么方面的需求，在接下来的段落中对比说明科学又能给人们带来什么不同的好处。 改I think the example you use in this paragraph is very good, and appropriate for the topic of the paragraph.后稿2：Although they are called nonmainstream, we should admit that to some extent, beliefs such as astrology play an active role in society. A glance at the astrology column in different newspapers and magazines reveals dos and donts that contain more encouragement than warning. . Frequently there are phrases like: “Aquarius should cease feeling depressed or exerting pressures on yourself”, or “Chances are good that Leo will get a promotion this week, so keep moving on and show your talent to your boss”, or “Things may go astray for Virgo this week, yet just wait to see the silver lining next week.” These nonmainstream contributions meet a need because they foster enthusiasm and hope and add color to our lives.改后稿3：Although they are called nonmainstream, we should admit that to some extent, beliefs such as astrology play some role in society. Grieving family members seeking to contact their lost relatives find comfort in believing that mediums can contact the dead. Some people who are worried about their jobs or facing difficult decisions feel more assured about the future when they consult a palm-reader or fortune-teller. Those who lack power or feel that the earth is a lonely place in the vast universe may find a more acceptable perspective in believing that other benevolent beings exist. Witchcraft, astrology, and psychic phenomenon can be found in most cultures as mans attempt to explain the universe, or to gain power over a world in which humans are otherwise helpless. 改后稿4：Most people do not order their lives according to the paranormal, many would be willing to consider them as explanations when science fails or a possibility in the background of what is real. A husband who has lost his wife might have very vivid dreams in which he talks to her. Psychology may say that this resulted from his own subconscious wishes, but the husband may find himself believing that his wife has spoken from the dead. A father whose child has been kidnapped might consult a psychic for visions of where the child has been taken if the police investigations have failed. It seems that people can trust in science, but are willing to consider other possibilities when scientific explanations fail them.原稿： The nonmainstream areas can do harm to the society, only when people dont inquire them merely for fun, but for resolution of life instead. It is ignorance because no one in the world could point out way for others, neither does the God. Only those people with confidence have the posibility to successfully solve problems.评点： “Do harm to”改为“harm”,因为更直接。 英语里有 “does more harm than good”, “did little harm”这样的表达法，但是“对。有害”应该直接用 “harm”, 或者be harmful to, detrimental to. “the God”改为“ God ”或是“the Gods”。“resolution” 是“决心”的意思：New Year resolution. 或者是“决议”的意思，如：a resolution of the dispute. “解决问题”中的“解决”要用 “solve” 或者 “solution”。与前面的毛病一样，这段中只阐明了观点，但是没有提出任何地例证来支持他的观点。只说论点，不讲证据是中国学生的普遍问题。另外，在英语国家里，上帝是主流的而不是“非主流的”。在内容上又有点偏题。文篇的题目是主流与非主流，可以定义为科学与迷信，但是宗教并不是迷信。宗教在西方社会是居于主流地位的。这一段的措辞有点像是讨论科学与宗教的关系。改后稿： Nonmainstream areas can harm society when people look to them for genuine solutions to real problems, not just for fun. This is done from ignorance, since nobody, not even God, can provide any answers. Only people with confidence can successfully solve their problems.改I also think this example is very good.后稿2：Nonmainstream areas can be harmful when people look to them for genuine solutions to real problems, not just for fun. A person who becomes ill should seek help from a health care professional but should not resort to consulting a fortune-teller. Astrologers may believe that the rotation of planets accounts for influenza, yet aspirin is definitely more effective in treating its symptoms. As for individuals, only people with confidence and problem-solving skills can surmount difficulties. If you treat an important interview lightly just because the astrology column says that you have will fabulous luck in job-hunting, you may ruin a great opportunity. 原稿： And the mainstream science plays the very vital role to provide people with reasonable methods. These science are based on practical experiments, carefully analize and reasoning. They may not seem as good as those nonmainstream areas in satisfying human needs, but under their artless face they give people real help.改后稿： On the other hand, science plays the very vital role of providing people with reasoned methods to conduct life. Science is based on practical experiments, careful analysis, and reasoning. They may not seem as miraculous as nonmainstream areas in satisfying human needs, but under their artless face they give people real help.改后稿2：On the other hand, the history of mankind has amply demonstrated that, science based on experiments and analysis, provide people with reasoned methods to conduct life. Psychology explaines human behavior. Sociology enlightens people on their relationship with their surrounding environment. Modern medicine has advanced so much that it is now possible to predict cancer even before a child is born. 评语:本段的结构很好，但跟前面所有的段落一样，缺乏真正能够支持论点的的实例。原稿：Generally speaking, the so called nonmainstream areas color our life to a great extent, but we should believe in the mainstream science when we want to resolve problems.改后稿：Mainstream areas color our lives to a great extent, but we should put our trust in mainstream science when we want to solve real problems.评语：用法错误：“So-called”暗示所提及的内容不是真正意义上的非主流，只是这样叫罢了。Presented Insightful Position?Reasons/Examples Persuasive?Ideas Well-focused And well-organized?Effective Vocabulary And Sentence Variety?Many Violations of Conventions?NNNYY总评：这篇习作所犯的错误非常有代表性，提出的观点几乎完全没有例证。这是中国学生最大的通病。许多学生似乎觉得如果观点是公认的，就不需要例证了。但是现在是在考写作能力，其中最重要的一条就是能否用恰当地例证支持观点。至于观点是否新颖还是其次的考量。第二个错误，也是非常普遍的错误就是没有表现出对问题的复杂性的理解。有的任课老师把这一点说成是“表达复杂思想的能力”。这样说不准确。GRE 作文不要求表达“复杂的思想”,而是表现出认识到议题的复杂性的能力。GRE的题目往往不是黑白分明的，你可以有自己的观点，多么强烈都可以，但是从第一段起，就要注意展现对问题复杂性的认识。具体说，就是你反驳或不同意的观点往往也有它的道理。关于打草稿关于最后写第一段needs met by the paranormal 1. loss of loved ones medium, seances2. decision-making, uncertainty about the future fortune telling3. lack of power occult, witchcraft4. feelings of loneliness in the cosmos extra terrestrials, other mythical beings5. difficulty relating to people, need to be understood psychic, astrology没有理解原题的复杂性，没有论据Attitudes Towards Two Types of Law对两种法律的态度Rules: Present your perspective on the issue below, using relevant reasons and/or examples too support your views.Topic: There are two types of laws: just and unjust. Every individual in a society has a responsibility to obey just laws and, even more importantly, to disobey and resist unjust laws.原稿：In almost everyones opinions, there are two kinds of laws in our society: just and unjust. How should we take our attitudes to these two different laws? Some say that we should only obey just laws and disobey and resist unjust laws; others say that all the individuals should obey these two kinds of laws. In my point of view, I am favor the first one attitude.改后稿：In most peoples opinion, there are only two types of laws in our society: just and unjust. What kind of attitude should we have towards these laws? Some people say that we should only obey the just laws and ignore the rest, others say that all laws must be obeyed. I personally agree with the first attitude.Comments:An essay should be started with confidence, almost everyone is replaced with most to give the introduction more power.评语：这像TOEFL文篇的开篇。完全不对。应体现出作者的自信，将“almost everyone”改为“most”增加开头的力度。原稿：First, laws are the fundamentals of our society, especially in the modern society, so everyone should obey the laws to maintain our society to operate properly. All the rights such as freedom, democracy, and independence and so on we now hold can only be protected by the laws. If someone does not obey the laws, he will do as much harm to himself as to our society; if everyone in our society does not obey laws, our society will be corrupted and all the people will be the hazards to others.改后稿：Laws are the fundamental backbone of society, especially modern society, and everyone must obey the law to maintain society. The rights that we hold dear, such as freedom, democracy and independence, exist because they are protected by law. If a person breaks the law he harms both himself and society. If everyone breaks the law society will begin to break down.评语：全文都是空话。原稿：Secondly, as an organic integrity, that has its own play rules here we call it laws. If the laws themselves are unjust, it is unconceivable that they can preserve fair play? Moreover, unjust laws poison our society and they penalize innocent people rather than guilty ones. So we should resist unjust laws.改后稿：Often normal and natural rules and behaviors are turned into laws. However, when laws become outdated and unjust how can they benefit society? Unjust laws are a detriment to society and end up penalizing innocent, rather than guilty people. If we want to preserve our society we should resist unjust laws.评语：既空洞，又跑题。原稿：Finally, as I have mentioned above, laws are the fundamental of our society and unjust laws will do much harm to our society and every one of us, we should not merely resist unjust laws. I think we should obey just laws and make our efforts to amend unjust laws and make more and more just laws out of unjust laws.改后稿：Laws are the backbone of our society, with just laws preserving and unjust laws endangering our way of life. In order to maintain a healthy society we must not only obey the just laws and resist the unjust ones, we must also work to reform unjust laws.评语：反复说一样的话，可通过调整句式避免重复。Presented Insightful Position?Reasons/Examples Persuasive?Ideas well-focused and well-organized?Effective Vocabulary And Sentence Variety?Many Violations of Conventions?NNNNY总评：作者有他的观点和想法，但谈不上insightful position. 论证错误且没有例证。句式多样化，但用词不准。该篇文篇需要整改。写作策略：Attitudes Towards Two Types of LawsTopic: There are two types of laws: just and unjust. Every individual in a society has a responsibility to obey just laws and, even more importantly, to disobey and resist unjust laws.Most students will think that unjust laws should be resisted and take this viewpoint. The problem for the writer, then is to argue that resisting a law is good. His audience will probably be won over if he can prove that disobeying unjust laws is not lawless, is not anti-government, and is, in fact, good. Therefore, to make a strong argument, it would be a good idea to use concrete examples of which kinds of laws should be resisted. The writer should define what he means by unjust laws in order to let the reader know that he is not agreeing with unthinking lawlessness. The writer should also be careful to think of examples that his reader will recognize. The reader can then identify with the need for some people to stand against these unjust laws. Rough Outline:Do we have a responsibility to disobey and resist unjust laws? Argument: it is necessary and even good to resist laws that are morally wrong or that create social injustice.When it is right to obey an unjust law / definition of an unjust law:1. It is harmful to one segment of society. 2. Society will be helped if the law could be changed. (suffrage)3. The laws are obsolete based on a different era. (migrant workers are deprived of the freedom to travel)4. Abortion needs employer certificates.Remember the three tasks of the first paragraphTo stand against injustice and defend against injustice should extend as far as resisting and even disobeying unjust laws, but only when the injustice is great enough to warrant it. A distinction must be made between a law that is intrinsically unjust and a law that is not in itself unfair. In a stable society where rule of law provides an environment of fairness, a few citizens will usually be found who are willing to stand against the unfairness to make changes without upsetting the fabric of society. This sort of civil disobedience has colored and improved many societies, and is usually recognized as beneficial when no other options presented themselves.One type of law that requires civil disobedience is any law that breaks our basic moral code. Laws that are unjust to one segment of society, that discriminate, repress, disenfranchise, and take the lives of one group in society are worthy of civil disobedience. Such laws are, in themselves, morally unbearable. The person who bends to such an unjust law must break his own moral code. During World War II, when Hitlers fanaticism required his countrymen to take the lives of innocent people, many quietly resisted and lost their lives as well. Although unable to change the immediate course of events, those who rescued and hid Jews during the holocaust are regarded as honorable in a time of shame. It is also a duty to disobey a law that is unjust when we know our resistance will benefit society. Laws that unnecessarily restrict freedom and produce suffering often ca