Cabin Pressure - rotterdam.doc

Cabin Pressure RotterdamDOUGLAS: OK, Martin, your turn. MARTIN: All right. I came through Customs and all I had to declare was some . (he pauses momentarily) . jelly from New Delhi, a tunic from Munich, some maracas from Caracas and some . cattle from Seattle. DOUGLAS: Some cattle?! MARTIN: Yes, why not? DOUGLAS: No, fine. Big plane. OK: I came through Customs and all I had . (The sat comm begins to ring.) DOUGLAS: Oh, thats odd. Were here, Carolyn and Arthur are in the cabin. Who else knows that number? MARTIN: No-one. DOUGLAS (switching on the sat comm): Hello? MJN Air. Is that God? HERC (over sat comm): Oh, I wouldnt go that far. DOUGLAS (unhappily): Oh, hello, Hercules. HERC: Hello, Douglas. Call me Herc. DOUGLAS: Did you want anything in particular, HHHHerc? HERC: I did, actually, yes. Is, um, is Carolyn around? DOUGLAS: Shes around in the sense that shes in the cabin doing her job, just as we are in the flight deck, rather busy doing ours. HERC (insincerely): Oh, Im sorry. Did I interrupt at a crucial stage in a word game? MARTIN (stuttering): I-I-I-Ill get her for you. HERC: No-no-no, its all right, no. If you could just pass on a message. Turns out Friday is better than Saturday for the opera, so Ill pick her up at one. DOUGLAS: Yes, of course, sir. Anything else we can do for you? Wish your Aunty Edna a happy birthday? Tell your bookie to put a fiver each way on Gentleman Joe? Because we are of course essentially an airborne secretarial service. MARTIN (talking over him): Will do, Herc. Its-its no trouble at all. HERC: Thank you, Martin. (The sat comm disconnects.) DOUGLAS: Theres no point toadying to him. Hes not going to get you a job at CalAir. MARTIN: Im not toadying. I like him. Why dont you? DOUGLAS: Ive known him longer than you, thats why. MARTIN: And? DOUGLAS: And hes a smooth-talking old smarm-pot who thinks hes the best thing to happen to the sky since rainbows. MARTIN: No wonder you dont like him, then. DOUGLAS: Yes. MARTIN: Hes nicking your act. * DOUGLAS: OK, Carolyn, lets try it without the camera first. Are you ready? CAROLYN (nervously): Yes. DOUGLAS: All right, go. (Carolyn begins to speak a little stiltedly in an overly forced upper class accent.) CAROLYN: Hello. It is my very great pleasure to welcome you aboard. ARTHUR: Action. DOUGLAS: Thank you, Arthur. Its usual, in fact, to shout that before the actor begins speaking. ARTHUR: Oh, sorry. I was confused by you saying go. And then I thought Id better say it anyway, you know, to be on the safe side. DOUGLAS: Lets try again. Arthur, ready to say action? ARTHUR: Yep. DOUGLAS: Carolyn, ready to go? CAROLYN (tetchily): Get on with it. DOUGLAS: Arthur, go. ARTHUR: Action! DOUGLAS: Carolyn, go. CAROLYN (in the stilted forced accent): Hello. It is my very great pleasure today to welcome you all aboard this MJN Air flight. DOUGLAS: May I stop you there? Try to remember youre the owner of an airline welcoming your passengers, not a monarch addressing her subjects. CAROLYN: I fail to see the distinction. DOUGLAS: Even so, maybe you could try it just a touch less like Queen Victoria recording an answerphone greeting. I mean, you might even try risking a smile! (Theres a short pause.) DOUGLAS: Ah. Do you have anything less . sharky? (Carolyn continues her script, sounding a little more like herself but still obviously uncomfortable.) CAROLYN: We know you have a wide choice of airlines and we are delighted youve chosen MJN . DOUGLAS: Delighted and baffled. CAROLYN (continuing the script): Your safety today is our paramount concern . ARTHUR: Whats paramount? DOUGLAS: Biggest. ARTHUR: Right. CAROLYN (continuing the script): . so please pay attention to the safety demonstration even if youre a frequent flyer, as aircraft may vary. DOUGLAS: This one especially from flight to flight sometimes. ARTHUR: And then I do the safety demonstration. CAROLYN: Not yet! (Continuing the script) As owner and manager of MJN Air . (The portacabin door opens.) MARTIN: Hello. CAROLYN: As owner and manager of MJN Air, my first priority is to ensure you have a comfortable and enjoyable flight. MARTIN: Is it?! Cause that hasnt really been coming across. Whats going on? CAROLYN: Mr. Alyakhin has decreed from his dacha that MJN should have a pre-flight film. He said it would make us look more like a real airline. I pretended not to know what he meant. So Arthurs doing his safety demonstration . ARTHUR: . but on film, like in a film! CAROLYN: . and Im doing a welcome message. MARTIN: Arthurs doing the safety demo?! ARTHUR (excitedly): Yeah! CAROLYN: Yes, he is! Why shouldnt he? DOUGLAS: Arthur does have a rather free-form approach to his art. ARTHUR: Ooh! We could do it like a disaster movie! DOUGLAS: . for instance. MARTIN: Surely you should do that one, Carolyn. CAROLYN: No I should not. DOUGLAS: That was the original plan. In fact, we did a trial run this morning, but watching it back, Carolyn was worried she looked rather ridiculous. MARTIN (politely to Carolyn, though clearly unconvinced): Oh, Im sure you didnt. DOUGLAS: Oh, she did utterly ridiculous. I didnt say she wasnt right to be worried. CAROLYN: Thank you, Douglas . DOUGLAS: There was a particularly arresting moment when she was in a fully inflated yellow lifejacket, demonstrating how to use a whistle . (Martin giggles.) CAROLYN (more firmly): Thank you, Douglas. DOUGLAS: She looked like a musical grapefruit. (Martin giggles again.) CAROLYN (angrily): That will do! MARTIN: Carolyn, I really feel I ought to do the welcome message. I mean, after all, I am the captain. People want to hear from the captain. They find it reassuring. CAROLYN: Martin, when has anyone ever found you reassuring? MARTIN: Thats not fair! CAROLYN: Look, Im sorry, but this needs to be calm, relaxed and authoritative none of which, Im afraid, are qualities for which you are famous. DOUGLAS: Mind you, theyre terribly hard qualities to find. MARTIN (anything but calmly): I am calm! Im very, very calm and authoritative, and-and, er, the other one. What was the other one? I can do that as well, whatever it was. DOUGLAS: Relaxed? MARTIN (frantically): Yes! Im very relaxed! CAROLYN: All right. Give it your best shot. MARTIN: Er, what, now? CAROLYN: Practice run. Fade up on Captain Martin Crieff at the controls . (Martin whimpers.) CAROLYN: He turns to the camera engagingly and says . MARTIN: Im not ready! CAROLYN: And blackout! MARTIN: What? No! CAROLYN: Thank you, Martin. Well let you know. MARTIN: No-no-no, wait-wait-wait! OK. (He clears his throat.) Im ready now. CAROLYN: OK. Go. MARTIN (calmly): Hello. Welcome to MJN Air. (His calmness immediately begins to disintegrate.) M-m-my name is Captain Martin Crieff, though that doesnt matter its all very informal here. Just call me Martin . well, in the context of this video, anyway. If you actually see me in person, its probably best you do call me Captain Crieff, or just Captain. Its just protocol, Im afraid, um, but if it was up to me you could call me . Marty. (Slight pause.) No, no, actually, no, lets not confuse things: definitely dont ever call me Marty. Right, so, to recap: hello. I am Captain Martin Captain . Captain Crieff, Crieff, I mean! Can we start again? DOUGLAS: You old perfectionist, you. (Martin groans.) ARTHUR: I thought he was great! CAROLYN: You think everythings great. DOUGLAS: To be fair, Carolyn, he was no worse than you. CAROLYN: I know! All right. I was hoping to avoid this, but let us bow to the inevitable. (She draws in an unhappy breath.) Douglas, you can do it. MARTIN (despairingly): Oh, Carolyn, no! CAROLYN: I dont like it either, Martin, but since we have a pilot who sounds like Stephen Frys favourite uncle, we might as well use him. Go on, then, Douglas do your stuff. DOUGLAS: Um . no, thank you. CAROLYN: What? DOUGLAS (awkwardly): Id . rather not. CAROLYN: Youd rather not? But surely this combines your twin passions: scoring off Martin and the sound of your own voice. DOUGLAS: Oh, how little you know me. You see, my secret sorrow, Carolyn, is that I suffer from a quite crippling lack of self-confidence. CAROLYN: Do you, now? DOUGLAS: Absolutely. It is my curse. MARTIN: Well, thats settled, then. Ill do it. CAROLYN: No you wont. So: I cant do it, Martin shouldnt do it, and Douglas wont do it. Great. ARTHUR: Shall I do it? CAROLYN, DOUGLAS and MARTIN (simultaneously): No! * (Footsteps along gravel) ARTHUR: Hang on, Douglas, Ive dropped it again. DOUGLAS (as they both stop): You see now why Im carrying the video camera and youre carrying the lifejacket. ARTHUR: Yeah, fair enough. Douglas? Are you really not going to do the welcome speech? DOUGLAS: It would seem not. ARTHUR: Because I think youre being hard on yourself. I think you might be quite good at it if you tried. DOUGLAS: Dont be ridiculous, Arthur. ARTHUR: No-no, I mean it. I really . DOUGLAS (talking over him): Of course I should do it. I would be superb. (He turns on a really smooth voice.) DOUGLAS: Welcome to MJN Air, putting the excitement back into air travel sometimes too much so. ARTHUR: Oh, yeah! You are! You sound just like one of those guys who does that! Brilliant! Lets go and tell Mum. DOUGLAS: Not so fast, man-cub. If Martin knows I want to do it, hell put up a fight a fight I would win, naturally, but why bother? Whereas if I have to be persuaded to do it, I can get a quid pro quo. ARTHUR: Whats quick pwo kwo? DOUGLAS: Something in return. ARTHUR: Right. Like what? DOUGLAS: Dyou know, I havent even decided yet. Right, into the plane, Garbo, its time for your close-up. * MARTIN (trying to sound smooth): Hello, Im Captain Martin Crieff. Hello. My name is Captain Martin Crieff. (Flight Deck door opens) MARTIN (his voice gradually becoming more frantic): This is Captain Martin Crieff. My names Captain Martin Crieff. DOUGLAS: Hello. Im looking for a Captain Martin Crieff. Have you seen him? MARTIN: Why cant I make it sound authoritative? ARTHUR: Hi, Skip! Weve come to film my bit on location. MARTIN: This is Captain Martin Crieff spea . I think its my name. ARTHUR: That means in the actual place where the thing is meant to be. DOUGLAS: Youre recording a demo for Carolyn, are you? ARTHUR: So, in this case, because the scene is set in a plane, were doing it in the plane. MARTIN: Yeah. Martin. Martin. Its just not a captains name. Martin. ARTHUR: Rather than building a set . (tetchily) which we cant afford, apparently. DOUGLAS: Whats a captains name? MARTIN: Well, yours, for instance big surprise(!) (He puts on a ridiculous deep cheerful voice.) MARTIN: This is Captain Douglas Richardson. (He switches back to his normal (croaky, sexy . Dammit, concentrate, Ariane) voice.) MARTIN: You see, it sounds much better. DOUGLAS: It does sound rather good. (Martin sighs in exasperation.) MARTIN: Captain der-der-DER-der-der. Thats what you need not Captain der-der-DER.ff. * (The plane door opens.) CAROLYN: All right, studio, are we ready? Camera in position, lighting rigged? DOUGLAS: In as much as Im pointing the camera at him and Ive turned the lights on, yes. CAROLYN: Ready, Arthur? . Oh, I see the hats back. ARTHUR (serenely): The hat is paramount. DOUGLAS: Its certainly biggest. All right, Arthur, in your own time. (Pause.) ARTHUR: Whos saying Action? DOUGLAS: You can say Action. ARTHUR: Action! (Pause.) DOUGLAS (tiredly): And go. ARTHUR: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen or good morning if its the morning when you watch this, or hello if its .well, any time. Hello. Er, my name is Arthur and its my pleasure to be being your cabin crew today unless its Mum. If Mums being your cabin crew today, then its her pleasure to be being it and its my displeasure not to be. But at least Im here on the video, so its a little bit me as well and Im pleased about that. DOUGLAS: Very good, Arthur. An excellent start. Shall we, though, stick to the version in the script for now? ARTHUR: Oh, yes, OK. Er, what was that again? DOUGLAS: “Hello.” ARTHUR: Right, yes. Hang on, just let me practice. Hallo. Hallo. No, hall. hallo. (Cheerfully) Hallo! (He carries on practising in various different voices.) DOUGLAS: Carolyn, youre absolutely sure you dont want to do this yourself? CAROLYN: Yes. ARTHUR (loudly): Hallo! DOUGLAS: Fair enough. Im sure thats a wise decision. CAROLYN: Well, youre the one who said I looked stupid in that lifejacket. DOUGLAS: I did and you do, especially blowing that whistle which Ive never understood why you have to do, by the way. Frankly, anyone who needs the operation of a whistle explaining to them deserves to drown. Anyway, yes, you look absolutely ludicrous, but on the other hand, the alternative . ARTHUR (loudly, in a ridiculous voice): Hellooo! CAROLYN: The alternative will be fine when hes had a bit of practice. DOUGLAS: If you say so. OK, Arthur, lets try the next bit. ARTHUR: OK. DOUGLAS: Action, and also go. ARTHUR: Right. Your seatbelt is fastened, adjusted and unfastened like this. (Rattling noises.) Hang on. Oh, no. Sorry, its different when youre not wearing it. Um, anyway, what-what-what should happen is you put the metal square bit into the metal box of matches bit until it goes click . No, no, its more of a . (he tries to impersonate the click) . No, no, its . (he clicks his tongue twice) . No, thats a dolphin. If it makes a noise like a dolphin, I dont know what youve done. Now, your nearest exit which may be behind you is being pointed out by a member of the cabin crew . probably me . er, the other me, the real me. Look at the real me. Now look back at the me me I mean, this me, me . the me thats talking. If the other mes talking as well, then shut up, me! This is my bit! CAROLYN: Fine! Fine! I will do it! DOUGLAS: Maybe youre right. So youll do the safety demo and the welcome, then. Will you do one in disguise, or is the idea that youre identical twins? CAROLYN: No. Obviously youll have to do the welcome. DOUGLAS: Well, as I say, the debilitating shyness . Anyway, changing the subject abruptly and completely, where are we flying next? CAROLYN: Er, Rotterdam. DOUGLAS: Oh! Rotterdam. Lovely place. Awfully near Spa. CAROLYN: Where? DOUGLAS: Spa. Lovely town in Belgium, about two hundred miles away. Gave its name to the, er, well, the spa, logically enough, and this weekend, I believe, the site of the Belgian Grand Prix. In fact, Carolyn, a thought has just occurred to me: would you mind if I nipped over to see it while were there? CAROLYN: Well, you can if you like, but I dont see how youre going to nip two hundred miles and back. DOUGLAS: No. I suppose, to do that, Id require some kind of, er . I dont know, flying machine. CAROLYN: What? No! Absolutely not! Youre not borrowing Gerti to fly yourself to the Grand Prix! DOUGLAS: Thats a shame, because it did occur to me that the excitement of the Grand Prix might be just the thing to put some fire in my belly and help me overcome my terrible fear of cameras. CAROLYN: Oh, I see. Not content with exacting a quid pro quo for things you dont want to do, youre now demanding them for things you do! DOUGLAS: I dont know what you mean. CAROLYN: Well, Im damned if Im bribing you to do something you want to do anyway. DOUGLAS: Fine. CAROLYN: Fine. * MARTIN (cheerfully): Good morning, Carolyn. CAROLYN: Martin! Youre early. Were not going to Rotterdam til two. MARTIN: I know, but I know you want to do that film today and I thought you might want to listen to this first. CAROLYN: Martin . MARTIN: I spent the whole of yesterday recording it on my phone and I think youll agree its pretty much exactly what you asked for: calm, authoritative, relaxed. Listen. (He activates the recording on his phone. His voice sounds about as confident as Martin is ever going to sound which, lets be honest, isnt all that confident and the tone has a fake cheeriness to it.) MARTINs VOICE: Hi, guys. My names Martin Crieff, the captain, and Im the guy in charge of flying you today. On behalf of the rest of the guys on my team and the guys back on the ground, let me give you guys one hell of a big MJN welcome on board today. Now, before we go right ahead and fly some plane, Im going to ask you to pay attention to this short safety demonstration. Hey, I know, guys big yawn, eh? (He chuckles.) But you know what? It might just save your life. (His confidence shatters and he starts to stutter nervously.) A-a-although, of course, an air accident is statistically incredibly unlikely. (He tries to get his confident tone back again.) OK. (He clears his throat.) See you on the flip side . of the safety demonstration. Ciao! CAROLYN: Goodness. Thats you being relaxed, is it? MARTIN: Well, relaxed but authoritative, like, like, like a cool teacher. CAROLYN: I see. Well, sadly, Professor Fonz, the vacancy has been filled. (She calls out.) Martin! Could you come here a moment? MARTIN: I-I am here. CAROLYN: How, then, would you evaluate the chances that I am referring to you? (The office door opens.) SECOND MARTIN: Hello. Im Martin. Im the captain. Good to meet you. (Martin lets out a panic-stricken shriek.) MARTIN: No! I-Im . what dyou mean, youre the captain? SECOND MARTIN: Yeah! You must be the first officer. Nice to meet you