《老爸老妈罗曼史》第一季

Pilot1.01EditFirst scene of the series, in 2030Future Ted: Kids, Im going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother.Teds Son: Are we being punished or something?Future Ted: No.Teds Daughter: Dad, is this gonna take a while?Future Ted: Yes. Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad, I had this whole other lifeTed just saw RobinFuture Ted: It was like something from an old movie, where the sailor sees the girl across the crowded dance floor, turns to his buddy and says, See that girl? Im gonna marry her someday.Ted: Hey Barney, see that girl?Barney: Oh yeeeahh, you just KNOW she likes it dirty. Go say Hi.Purple Giraffe1.02EditLily: Hey. Im just sitting here. Wearing my ring. My beautiful ring. Kinda makes wearing other stuff seem wrong. Like. my shirt. Kinda dont wanna wear my shirt anymore. Or my underwear. Oh, thats right, Im not wearing any.Marshall:stops working and looks at LilyNo underwear?Lily: Not even slightly.Ted: Guys.camera pans to reveal he is in the room with themBOUNDARIES!Robin discovers why Ted threw three straight parties in as many nightsTed: Robin, look I didnt invite you to this party to set you up with Carlos. Or the one before that. Or the one before that.Robin smilesI threw these parties because I wanted to see you.Robin: Well, here I am.Ted: Theres something here, look, unless Im crazy.Robin: Youre not crazy. II dont know, Ted, I mean we barely know each other and youre looking at me with that look and its likeTed: Like what?Robin: Likelets fall in love, and get married and have kids and drive them to soccer practice.Ted: Im not gonna force sports on them unless theyre interested.Robin:laughsIts a great look. But youre looking at the wrong girl.Ted: No, Im not.Robin: Yes, you are. I dont wanna get married right now, maybe ever and if we got together Id feel like Id either have to marry you or break your heart andI just couldnt do either of those things. Just like you cant turn off the way you feel.Ted:reaches in jacketClick. Off. Lets make out.Robin:laughsWhat?Ted: What? That was the off switch! And I turned it off. I mean sure yes, I wanna fall in love get married blah, blah, blah, buton the other hand - you, me, the roof.Robin: Theres no off switch.Ted: There is an off switch and its off.Robin:smilingno, its not.Ted:silenceyes, it is.draws closer to TedRobin: No itsnot.Ted: Yesit islong kiss with RobinNo its not. Youre right, theres no off switch. God I wish there was an off switch!Sweet Taste of Liberty1.03EditTed: The truth is: My friend, he does this thing where he goes to airports with fake luggage to pick up girls and we followed some here to Philadelphia. Thats it, thats all this is!Airport Security Guard: Nobodys that lame.Ted: Yes, hes that lame.to BarneyTell him youre that lame.Barney: .we are international businessmen!Barney:at a partyDo you ever go behind the rope and touchit?Employee at Liberty Bell Site: Only all the time.Barney: Do you ever like, stick your head inside it?Employee: Yeah.Barney: Have you ever licked it?Employee: Nope.I have never licked it.Barney: I bet nobody in history has ever licked the Liberty Bell. If someone were to pull that off, I daresay it would be - whats the word?Ted: Im leaving.Barney: Legendary!Return of the Shirt1.04EditBarney: Booger.Ted: Yes, hello Barney.Robin: Barneys offering me 50 bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report.Barney: Not some stupid word. Booger.Robin: But I am not doing it. I am a journalist.Barney: What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Old people, babies, monkeys. Thats not journalism. Thats just things in a diaper.Robin: For your information, my boss is about to bump me up to. the City Hall beat.Lily: City Hall! Miss Thang!Robin: So, Im not going to jeopardize my promotion by saying booger for 50 bucks.Barney: Of course not. Because now youre saying nipple, and its a hundred.motions with fingerStep into my web.Ted just told Natalie that he wants to break up with her.againNatalie:after throwing a handful of spaghetti at himIm NOT THE ONE FOR YOU!?Ted: I-Im sorry. I thought that was the mature thing to do, I.Natalie: Its my birthday!Ted: Yes, I know its just.Natalie: Its my birthday, and youre telling me Im not the one for you?Ted: Its no big deal. Its not like you lost the lottery-Natalie: Oh, so dating yous like winning the lottery?Ted stammersSo whats the problem?Ted: I cant explain.Natalie: Try!Ted: Well, its just ineffable.Natalie: Oh, so Im not F-able?Ted: No, no, no, ineffable means it cant be explained.Natalie: So Im stupid?Ted: Whats going on?Natalie: Whats going on is, you broke my heart over my answering machine on my birthday. Waited three years for me to get over you, tracked me down, begged me to go out with you again, only so you could dump me three years later, again on my birthday!Ted: No no, its not like that.its just.its just-Natalie: WHAT!?Ted: Im just like super busy right now.Future Ted: Remember when Natalie said.Natalie:in flashback, at the barI got aKrav Magaclass in about half an hour.Future Ted: It turns out that Krav Maga is not a form of yoga. Its a form of guerrilla street fighting developed by theIsraeli Army.Natalie proceeds to beat up TedOkay Awesome1.05EditBarney: Ted, get your coat, were leaving.Ted: What happened to that, uh, cutlet you were grinding with?Barney: That was my cousin Leslie!Ted: What!?begins to laughBarney: No, no, no. We are not laughing about this, Ted. This is not gonna be some funny story that were gonna be telling in a couple of months. Its not gonna be like Remember that time when you were grinding with- NO. And do you know why? Because, italics,Barney holds his hands up and slants them to an anglethis night did not happen.Lily: Hey.Robin: Hey.Lily: Marshall just ditched out on our own party. Could you get me in there? I kinda need to kill him.Robin: Actually I cant even get myself in. I was such a dork. I get recognized one time and I start thinking ImJulia Roberts. Im no VIP, Im not even an IP; Im just a lonely little P sitting out here in the gutter.Lily: You know something, Id take a P in the gutter over Julia Roberts any day.Slutty Pumpkin1.06EditLily: Nobody remembers what the hell a hanging chad is.Marshall: What a sad commentary on our national attention span, that we could forget such aturbulent time in our political history.Lily:As parrotSad commentary! Rrrawk! All right, Polly gotta pee!Marshall: Again?Marshall follows Lily to the bathroomTed: Where are you going?Marshall: Its. an elaborate costume.Robin: How do you do this Ted? How do you sit out here all night, in the cold, and still have faith that your pumpkins going to show up?Ted: Well, Im pretty drunk. Look I know the odds are, the love of my life isnt going to magically walk through that door in a pumpkin costume at 2:43 in the morning. But it just seems as nice a spot as any to just, you know, sit and wait.Matchmaker1.07EditLily: Just play cool, dont Ted-out about it.Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that behind your back. Ted-out: to overthink. Also see Ted-up. Ted-up: to overthink with disastrous results. Sample sentence: Billy Tedded-up when he tried-Ted: Okay. I get it!Robin: So what was it, a cockroach or a mouse?Lily: It was a cockamouse!Robin: What?Lily: Its some sort of mutant combination of the two. Its as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know.Barney: Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?The Duel1.08EditFlashbackMarshall: So when Lily and I get married. whos gonna get the apartment?Ted: Wow. thats a tough one. Yknow who I think could handle a problem like that?Marshall: Who?Ted: Future Ted & Future Marshall.Marshall: Totally. Lets let those guys handle it.Present DayTed: Dammit, Past Ted!Lily confronts Ted and Marshall at the hospital over their sword fightLily: On Monday Im gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiance ran me through with a freakin broadsword!Marshall: Well, just to be fair, it didnt go all the way through.Lily: Im sorry, is this a discussion about thedegreeto which you stabbed me?Belly Full of Turkey1.09EditRobin: Im Canadian, remember? We celebrate Thanksgiving in October.Ted: Oh right I forgot. You guys are weird and you pronounce the word out, oot.Robin: You guys are the worlds leader in hand gun violence; your health care system is bankrupt and your country is deeply divided on almost every important issue.Ted:beat.your cops are called mounties.Ted: Barney.Barney: Yeah, whats up?Ted: You have a time sheet? No one else does.Barney: Yeah, so?Ted steals paperHey! Thats my private personal business!Ted: Court Mandated Community Service?Robin: Oh my God, youre on probation? What did you do?Barney: Thats my private personal business!flashback to Barney running away after peeing on a wall.Barney: I was unfairly punished because the wall belonged to the judges church!Ted: You peed on a church?Barney: I peed in an alley which happened to have a church which I did not see because I was drunk!Ted: Youareevil!Robin: All is right with the world again.The Pineapple Incident1.10EditMarshall: You okay?Ted: Sure. Why?Marshall: Ah. I dont know. Girl of your dreams. dating a billionaire.Ted: Okay, first of all, hundred-millionaire. And second, shes not the girl of my dreams, were just friends. Look, it would not be smart if we got together. I.I mean, Im looking to settle down, shes looking for a.Barney starts snoringBarney: Wha.? You done? Great. Check out table number four. See that little hottie on the end? Shes short, but has an ample bosom. I love it! Shes like half boob.whispers to TedLets go.Ted: Yeah, and say what? Whats our big opening line?Barney: It was, uh. Daddys home.Ted: Daddys home?Barney: Yeah!Ted: Okay, you. you want us to go over there, right now, and say to those girls, Daddys home. Really think about that, Barney.Barney: Hmm. yeah, I think its pretty solid.Ted: Why do they call it karaoke anyhow? Was it invented by a woman named Karey Okee? These are the kind of things I think about.The Limo1.11EditMarshall: Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs. Its like were the president.Ted: Youre not. Moby, are you?Not Moby/Erik: Who?Robin: The recording artist, Moby.Not Moby/Erik: Oh, no.Barney: Then why, when we said Hey, Moby did you come over here?Not Moby/Erick: Oh, I thought you said Tony.Ted: So your names Tony?Not Moby/Erick: No.The Wedding1.12EditMarshall and Lily argue about their plans for an ideal weddingMarshall: Ok, Im just saying that its my wedding too and I should have a say in it.Lily: But Im the bride. So, I win.Marshall: But I thought marriage is about two equal partners, sharing a life together.Lily: Right, but Im the bride. So, I win.Lily takes Barney aside at MacLarens after she sees him trying to seduce Claudia, who just called off the wedding with StuartLily: Claudia is getting married tomorrow and so help me God if I catch you even so much as breathing the same air as her, I will take those peanuts youre trying to pass off as testicles and I will squeeze them so hard your eyes pop out and then Ill feed them to you like grapes!Barney: Wait, my eyes or my testicles?Lily:thinks about itOne of each!Drumroll, Please1.13EditLily:to Ted as he walks out of his bedroomHey, where the hell did you disappear to last night?Ted: I had themost.amazingnightever.Marshall: Tell me about it! That cake. Best cake I ever had. Seriously, my stomach was like Hey bro, I dont know what youre eating cause I dont have any eyes but its basically awesome so keep sending it down Gullet Alley.Lily: Yeah, I know, my stomach was like Girlfriend, we dont always get along butthat cake.Victoria: Why dont we just. dance. And have a great time. And when its over, never see each other again.Ted: Unless-Victoria: No. No unless. No e-mails, no phone numbers, not even names. Tonight, well make a memory that willneverbe tarnished. Then, when were old and gray, well look back on this moment. and itll be perfect.Ted: Wow. Okay Im in.Victoria:enthusiasticallyOkay!Ted: I guess, uh, what, well need fake names?Victoria: Um. you can call me Buttercup.Ted and Buttercup shake handsTed: Pleased to meet you, Buttercup. Im.Lando Calrissian.Victoria laughsWow, this is kind of exciting. Our names will forever be shrouded in-Barney:with bridesmaid on his armHey Ted, Ted, Ted, look! I got a bridesmaid! Ted Ted look, Ted! The second hottest bridesmaid! Ted, look! See you Ted.Ted:to VictoriaSo Im Ted.Victoria: Victoria.Zip, Zip, Zip1.14EditBarney: Ted, the only reason to wait a month for sex is if the girl is seventeen years, eleven months old.Barney:in the laser tag arenaDont be a hero, Scherbatsky!Robin: See you on the other side.Both:ChargingYaahhhhh!Both got shotBarney: Damn! .You wanna get a soft pretzel?Robin: Yeah.Game Night1.15EditVictoria: Ive only had two boyfriends before Ted.Robin: Prude alert!Victoria: Well, two serious ones. Ive dated others in between.Robin: Slut alert!Victoria: I will tell you my most humiliating story.Marshall: Yeah, Victoria! Way to step up.Victoria: OK, it involves a game of Truth or Dare, a squeeze bottle of marshmallow ice cream topping, and the hot tub at my grandparents retirement community.Future Ted: Kids, I tell you a lot of inappropriate stories, but theres no way in hell Im telling you this one. Dont worry, it wasnt that great.Marshall:staring goggle-eyed at VictoriaThat. is the greatest story. ever!Lily: Oh my God!Cupcake1.16EditLily:Trying on wedding dressesOh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.Ted: Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.Life Among the Gorillas1.17EditBilson: Nice tie! Steak sauce!Blauman: Ohhhhhhh, steakkk sauce!Marshall looks for a stain on his tieBarney: Marshall, sidebar. Your tie is steak sauce.A1? Get it? Try to keep up.Bilson: Ok, Eriksen, lets get to work. Its 2am and its raining outside,ding dongwhat? The Doorbell? Oh, hello,Jessica Albain a trenchcoat and nothing else, but wait,knock knock, somebody is at the back door.Marshall: I dont have a back door.Bilson: Oh my gosh,Jessica Simpson, what a surprise. Two Jessicas, you gotta pick one, what do you do? Go!Marshall: Right, well, Im engaged.Blauman: Fiancee is out of town, what do you do? Go!Marshall: Were still engaged.Bilson: Ok, fiance is dead, hit by a bus, what do you do, GO!Marshall: I want to give you the package.Lily: The package? Youve already given me the package. Youve got a great package, Marshall. I love your package.Marshall: Lily, you are the most incredible woman I know. You deserve a big package.Lily: Your package has always been big enough. You may not realize this Marshall Eriksen, but youve got a huge package!Marshall turns around to see a hot girl nearby eyeing him and smiling fiendishlyNothing Good Happens After 2 A.M.1.18EditLittle girl: Do you have a fianc?Lily: Marshall was here yesterday, they just learned the word fianc.Robin: Oh no, I dont have a fianc.Little girl: Then who do you live with?Robin: Well, actually, Ive got five dogs.Little girl: Dont you get lonely?Robin: No, Ive gotfivedogs.Little girl: My grandma has five cats andshegets lonely.Robin: Well, yeah, thats cats, Im not some pathetic cat lady, not that your grandmother is some pathetic cat lady does anybody else have questions?Little boy: Are you a lesbian?Robin: NO, ARE YOU? Jeez.mumblesEvery woman that lives alone is not a lesbian.Sandy Rivers:to RobinWe should have sex.Robin: What?Rivers: Why not? Were both available, were both attractive, were both good at it. At least Im good at it, and even if youre not, dont worry. Ill have a good time either way.Robin: Well, moving past the horrifying image of your hair helmet clanging against the headboard, I dont get involved with people I work with.Rivers: Get involved? Who said get involved? Im just saying we should have sex. Having sex is fun!he gives her his card and their news show startsPhone number, call me anytime.reads teleprompterA lot of teams in action tonight.Mary the Paralegal1.19EditBarney:To TedDo you have some puritanical hang up on prostitution? Dude, its the worlds oldest profession.Marshall: Do you really think thats true?Barney: Oh yeah, I bet even Cro-Magnons used to give cave hookers an extra fish for putting out.Marshall: Ah ha, so the oldest profession would be fishermen. Kaboom! Youve been lawyered!Mary: You know that scene inEmpirewhen they lower the helmet onto Darth Vaders head? Do you think thats how Sandy gets his hair on in the morning?Best Prom Ever1.20EditLily is freaking out because a New Jersey high school that has The 88 for a prom band wouldnt let them in. She thinks Barneys ideas of sneaking in may the only way to see the band.Ted: Youre getting on board with Barneys idea. Man, you real