《哈佛大学公开课：幸福课21-23集》英中字幕

哈佛大学公开课：幸福课 21-23集英中字幕目 录第21集 爱情和自尊2第22集 自尊与自我实现37第23集 收获交流74第21集 爱情和自尊 Student:Hi,everyone.My name is Meghan.And we were running a really fun studyright after class about mindfulness and vision.It shouldnt take more than 10 to 15 minutes.So if you are interested,we need more than 60 people.So just come up to the front after class.And it wont take a long time.Its really fun.Thank you.(Applause)Dr.Tal Ben-Shahar:You know this story about Gertrude Stein.And she was taking philosophy class with William James,right here in the Art.And they had their final exam.And it was spring semester course.And she comes into the exam.And its a day like today.And the exam is about metaphysics,and the meaning of life.So she opens the exam and writes,Today is too beautiful a day to take an exam.And she walks out.And you know,as legend has it of course,she gets a straight A in William James class.Dont use that as an example or an excuselater on in this semester.But I really appreciate you being here today.It is a beautiful day.I was thinking of having the class outside,but I think - maybe we should.Yeah.What we are going to do today is finish up on relationships -we have just a little to go,and then start with our final topic for the course,which is self-esteem.So let me just recap what we did when we discussed relationships.So we talked about how do we - given our natures,how do we attain,how do we sustain lasting love,lasting passion when it seems on the physiological level at leastthat our natures are not attuned to that approach.And we talked about - when studying the best relationships,the tip of the stem - four characteristics,based on the work of David Schnarch and John Gottman.The first one is: relationship is the hard work.Its an illusion to think thatthe most important thing is finding the right relationship;it is more important to cultivate that one chosen relationship.And just like we would not thrive,succeed at work,if we said,Well,I just found my dream job,and then put our legs up and relax;similarly we would not thrive in a relationship,if we have the finding mindset -we just need to find it and we will live happily ever after,as we talked about movies and where love begins.The second component of a healthy,lasting and passionate relationship related to the first oneis the notion of being known rather than being validated,expressing rather than impressing,being open,revealing our weaknesses as well as our strengths,our desires,our passions,our fears and insecurities.And relationships that do,or partners that do that within a relationship,over time attain higher and higher levels of intimacy,happiness,and they thrive,and they remain - maintain their passion.Thats the second component.The third component of a healthy relationship is thatthere are conflicts there.It is an illusion to believe thatthe ideal relationship is one that is conflict freethat doesnt exist,unless both partners are suppressing serious issues.So there are conflicts in relationships.The challenge is to have more positivity than negativityof course in a relationship,but also to learn how to be in the midst of disagreement,how to have conflict.And finally,the fourth point that we talked about was positive perception;being a benefit finder,and more than that,being a benefit creator.I want to just go back quicklyand elaborate on something that I didnt last timeabout the conflict or conflicts within a relationship.I think the most important essay,article that I read about relationships in generalwas the article on friendship by Ralph Waldo Emerson,published in a84a.And What Emerson writes about is his ideal friend.Let me quote him.He says,in a friend,what I am looking for is not a mush of concessions,a person who would agree with everything that I say;rather what Im looking for is a beautiful enemy,a person who will challenge me,who will push me,who will help me in my apprenticeship to the truth.A beautiful enemy - what a beautiful phrase.A conflict free relationship iswhere there are no beautiful enemies.A beautiful enemy is a person who loves us,who cares about us enough to challenge us,enough to disagree.And ask yourself what kind of friend,what kind of romantic partner would you like? A yes man or woman?Or a person who would be honest,would have high levels of integrity?What is the ideal friend? What is the ideal partner?You know its interestingthis whole idea of beautiful enemy goes way backit goes back to the most influential textin certainly the Western world,which is the Bible.In Genesis,God sees that man is alone.So he creates a help meet for him,a woman.A helpmeet.What does that phrase mean? This is the King James translation.Well,if you look at it in the Hebrew,original,helpmeet is ezer kenegdoor,or help as opposition.In other words,the helpmeet translation,the meet part,M-E-E-T,is like athletic meet,like a competition.Not helping and they meet together - its help as opposition.And already then that it was notices the ideal relationshipis not one which is all smooth,conflict free;it is one where there is some resistance.And its this resistance that Gottman talked about in the - orhe is talking about in the 2ast century that it is so important,so critical for a healthy relationship,a beautiful enemy,help as opposition,helpmeet,again with a lot of positivity in the relationship as well.So we move on,and just finish up on positive perception.I want to show you an excerpt from one of my favorite movieas I think its one of the best movies certainlyin the realm of psychology ever made,from As Good As it Gets.And here is the part where Holly Hunter tells Jack Nicholsonthat hed better give her a complimentand itd better be a good compliment.Because if it is not,shes getting up and leaving.He just said something very offensive to her.So here is what he has to say to the woman he loves.VIDEO: CLIP FROM AS GOOD AS IT GETSOK,now Ive got a really great compliment for you,and its true.Im so afraid youre about to say something awful.Dont be pessimistic.Its not your style.Okay,here I go: Clearly,a mistake.Ive got this,what - ailment?My doctor,a shrink that I used to go to all the time,he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases,a pill really helps.I hate pills,very dangerous thing,pills.Hate.Im using the word hate here,about pills.Hate.My compliment is,that night when you came over and told me that you would never.All right,well,you were there,you know what you said.Well,my compliment to you is,the next morning,I started taking the pills.I dont quite get how thats a compliment for me.You make me want to be a better man.Thats maybe the best compliment of my life.Well,maybe I overshot a little,because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.Dr.Tal Ben-Shahar:This is the essence of benefit creating.You make me want to be a better man,a better woman,a better person.You make me want to do the dishes as well.What do we do then? How do we get a relationshipor partners in relationships to focus on the positive,to focus on the benefit,to focus on creating more good there?Well we are going back to the very first lesson,very first class-and that is the importance of questions.Remember,questions begin a quest.When we ask certain question,we see certain things that we didnt see before.When we ask certain question,we are also avoiding or not seeing part of realityremember the geometric shapes.Its all you saw - you didnt see colors;you didnt see children on the bus;most of you did not see the clock.And very often in relationships,the questions that we ask after the honey moon is:Whats wrong? What happened? Or what can be improved?And again,these are important questions with very good intentions.But we just avoid or dont see an important part of reality.So the questions that we need to askare also the positive questions,the questions that will allow us to see the children on the bus.What am I grateful for in my partner?And its important to do that always,especially during difficult times,because theres always something to appreciate.And if we dont appreciate that thing,the good depreciates,whether it applying to our country,to our organization,to our relationship as well as to ourselves.Second positive question:What is wonderful about our relationships? Whats working?Why are we together in the first place?What do I love about him,her,us? Whats good?And when we ask whats good,thats when we perceive it.And when we perceive it,when we appreciate it,it appreciates.Its not a surprise thatthe statistics are as they are what we saw last time,that most relationships flounder,and even those stay together dont really thrive.No,its no coincidence.Its because of most of the questions that we askedagain,with good intentions.No one has the intentions certainlynot going into a relationship to end it or not to thrive in it.But most of the questions that we asked,that we are taught to ask are the onesthat focus on the metaphorical geometric shapes.And what we need to do is open up a new quest,no opportunity,see things that are there all alongthat we simply have overlooked.Again,the quote from Robert M.Pirsig,Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance:so often we look for the truthand the truth comes and knocks on our door.And we say to it,Go away! Im looking for the truth.Very often its right in front of us.All we need to do is look.And one way to look,one way to guide our attention towardwhat is right in front of usis by asking also the positive questions.OK,so what do we have? What do we have so far?In terms of creating a more positive relationship,in terms of being a benefit creator,we want to focus on the potential.And theres one more thing,one more thing that we can do.And that is communicating about positive events.This is taken from the work of Shelly Gable from UCLAwhos done to my mind the most important workin the area of positive psychology as it relates to relationshipsYou see there is a lot of researchthat has been done on negative communication,meaning - what we saw last time - how do you disagree,so rather have a cognitive disagreementrather than an affective or emotional disagreementfocus on the substance,focus on the behavior,rather than on the person,on the emotions.So we know thattheres a lot of research on organizational behaviorand couples counseling research and so on.There has been almost no research doneon positive communication between couples,which is in line with most of the research done in psychology.Again,remember,the ratio 21 to 1.Now its a little bit less,but around 20 to a ratio,positive to negative research.Same when it comes to relationship.No exception,unfortunately.Here comes Shelly Gable and says,We also need to focus on what is working.And she started to study positive communicationabout positive events quite.And lo and behold,what she found was quite remarkable.In fact,what she found was thatthe way couples communicate about positive eventsis a better predictor of long term success in relationshipsthan how they communicate about negative events.When things go well - better predictor of long term,thriving,passionate relationship than when things do not go wellSo when I come home and tell my partner,Oh,I just did this and it was amazing.Or Ive just seen this and it was breath-taking.Or this is what is going on at work.This is whats going on in my personal life.And its a good thing.How my partner respondspredicts a long term success of the relationship.Specifically what Gable is talking aboutis active constructive responding.What is active constructive responding?What she does is divide it into a 2 by 2 Im going to present the 2 by 2 now.This is taken directly from the work of three of my colleagues,Jane Elsner,Barbara Heilman and Amanda Horn from Australia.And here is what they did:put Shelly Gables work into an understandable clear 2 by 2.So we have on one dimension constructiveversus destructive communication;on the other dimension,active versus passive communication.Lets go through the four boxes using an example.My partner comes home from work and she says,I just got a promotion,the promotion that Ive been waiting for for so long.I was just told that I got it.How do I respond? Well,if Im passive and destructive,I show no interest,diverted attention.I say Mm hmm,and just move on or talk about,But did you see we got a new flower in the garden?Just talk about something unrelated to it - diverted attention.This is passive and destructive.Now,destructive and active.Just got promotion.She comes home.And my response is Oh no,this means well have even less time to spend together!What does this mean about our children now?Or what about our holiday that we would go on,we were gonna go on next month? Its not possible now,is it?Destructive and active.Then there is passive and constructive.This is the most common response.Oh,thats great.Wonderful.Mm hmm.Wow.And then there is the forth box,the active and constructive,which is You just prom. That is amazing!Tell me,tell me all about it! So what happened?Did the boss call you into his office and tell you?How did it happen? Or We have to celebrate!Or lets call our friends and go out!This is amazing! Well done! Youve worked so hard for it!Im so happy for you!Active constructive.As it turns out,there are consequences,implications to each one of these responses.Unfortunately,this the active constructive - not very common.Not very common among partnersespecially after the honey moon phase.So when initially the physiological,the novelty,the excitement is there,it happens more often.But after a while,this goes away,and with it,as Shelly Gable has shown,the success of the relationship in a long term.Now the thing about active constructive responding is thatit applies to numerous areas in our lives,not just to romantic relationships-how I communicate with my roommates;how I communicate with my family,parents,children;as a therapist,how I communicate with my clients,because again,most of what psychology has been aboutis for the therapists to sit thereand to be passive constructive - to smile,Mm hmm.Wonderful.And then what happened? -As oppose to active constructive and there are consequences.It doesnt mean thatits the right approach in every relationship every time,because there are a few constraints here.For example - it has to be win-win events.Lets say my partner comes from work and says,Tal,you wont believe it.I just made the most amazing love with my colleague.He was unbelievable! In fact,I never felt this way before.Now active constructive: Do tell more and what happened then?Very difficult to be actively constructivein the situation for most people.Present company included.Very difficult.So its about win-win.Thats not a win-win as far as I can see.It has to be a win-win.In other words,something that both of usor the relationship will benefit from,or at the very least,that the other person is not hurt by it.It has to be genuine.It cannot be fake,because that cantespecially once the partner knows youover time it just doesnt work.It has to be genuine,meaning we have to get into the role of our partner,identify with,empathize with,be one with so that we can genuinely respond to it.And if we do genuinely respond to it, and if it is a win-winthats when it generates upward spiral on a few levels.First of all: remember,usually when a positive event happens,what happens?There is a spike up and then affective forecasting Gilberts work - shows goes back down again.What effective constructive responding doeswhich is OK,tell me more.So how was it? Lets celebrate! Give me more details.I wanna know! Im interested!What it does to the spike is prolong it.It actually keeps it going for much longerthan it would have been just a positive eventand then back to the base level.Because we know no matter what promotion we get at work,initially it feels great,no matter what raise initially it feels wonderful,and then it goes back down again to base level.Active constructive responding actually elongates that raising,that improvement in well being.So that is one spiral that it creates - feeling better.The second spiral is an inter-personal spiral,meaning a person who actively constructively responds genuinelyenters the same upward spiral,meaning peoplewho do that genuinely become happier as a result ofbecause they experience the event.And they themselves benefit and become happier,again a win-win potentially.And finally,it also does what positive psychologyas a whole does which is build positive capacity.Remember positive psychologytakes us not just from the zero to the positive,it also helps us better deal with the negative to the zero.Partners who actively constructive respond to one anotherare building capacity for hard times.In fact one of the most interesting research thatwere done long time ago was that coupleswhen things went well or they were - wasnt,that language wasnt used - but essentiallywhen they actively constructively responded to one anotherand supported one another back in the 1920s,once the Great Depression hit,the r