MenandWomen-Love-Sexand教学讲解课件

MenandWomen,Love,SexandMarriage:LaughterwithTearsHughXu2008-05-08MenarefromMars,WomenarefromVenus--男人来自火星，女人来自金星

MenArefromMars,WomenArefromVenusisamanualforlovingrelationships(intheI990s).(Itrevealshowmenandwomendifferinallareasoftheirlives.)Notonlydomenandwomencommunicatedifferentlybuttheythink,feel,perceive,react,respond,love,need,andappreciatedifferently.Theyalmostseemtobefromdifferentplanets,speakingdifferentlanguagesandneedingdifferentnourishment.Manandwoman:thestereotypesMan(asperceivedbytheoppositesex):Selfish,lazy,drinking,fishing,football,manipulating,non-committing,neveraskdirections,stubborn,horny,cheating,non-responsible,immature,ex-husband,Woman(asperceivedbytheoppositesex):foolish,vanity,shopping,diamondsandroses,nagging,refusingsex(wife),ex-wife(fortunehunting),MenWhat'sthedifferencebetweenmenandgovernmentbonds?

Bondsmature.Whatistheonethingthatallmenatsinglesbarshaveincommon?

They'remarried.Whydomengetmarried?

Sotheydon'thavetoholdtheirstomachsinanymore.Whyaremarriedwomenheavierthansinglewomen?

Singlewomencomehome,seewhat'sinthefridgeandgotobed.Marriedwomencomehome,seewhat'sinbedandgotothefridge.WomenWomanservesasalookingglasspossessingthemagicpowersofreflectingthefigureofmanattwiceitsnaturalsize.---VirginiaWoolfAlltoooftenoneman’ssexualliberationbecomesonewoman’sresponsibility.Nevertellyourwifeshe’slousyinbed.She’llgooutandgetasecondopinion.Mywifeissojealousthatwhenshecouldnotfindanyfemalehairsonmycoatsheaccusedmeofgoingoutwithbald-headedwomen.BlondejokesEasyMoneyAblondeandaredheadwenttothebarafterworkforadrinkandsatonstoolswatchingthe6o'clocknews.AmanwasshownthreateningtojumpfromtheBrooklynBridge,andtheblondebettheredhead$50thathewouldn'tjump.

Sureenough,hejumped,sotheblondegavetheredhead$50.Theredheadsaid,"Ican'ttakethis,you'remyfriend."

Buttheblondeinsistedsaying,"No.Abet'sabet."

Thentheredheadsaid,"Listen,IhavetotellyouthatIsawthisonthe5o'clocknews,soIcan'ttakeyourmoney."

Theblondereplied,"Well,sodidI,butIdidn'tthinkhewouldjumpagain!"ThebattleofsexHowdoyougetamantodosit-ups?

Puttheremotecontrolbetweenhistoes.Whyaredumbblondejokessoshort?

Somencanrememberthem.WhatdidGodsayaftercreatingman?

Imustbeabletodobetterthanthat.WhatdidGodsayaftercreatingEve?

"Practicemakesperfect."Whatdoyoucallamanwhohaslost95%ofhisbrainpower?Awidower.MansaystoGod:"God,whydidyoumakewomansobeautiful?"Godsays:"Soyouwouldloveher.""ButGod,"themansays,"whydidyoumakehersodumb?"Godsays:"Soshewouldloveyou.Gendergap(women’slib)Anyonewhosayshecanseethroughwomenismissingalot.Menarefromearth.Womenarefromearth.Dealwithit.Don'timagineyoucanchangeaman-unlesshe'sindiapers.MywifesaysifIgofishingonemoretime,shewillleaveme.Gosh!Iamgonnamissher.Istillmissmyex-husband,butmyaimisgettingbetter.Dating-thecheesylines(pickuplines)Asshe'sleaving....Heyaren'tyouforgettingsomething?She:What?Me!CanIborrowaquarter?["Whatfor?"]IwanttocallmymomandtellherIjustmetthegirlofmydreams.OR:Iwanttocallyourmotherandthankher.Doyoubelieveinhelpingthehomeless?[Ifyes]Takemehomewithyou.Doyoubelieveinloveatfirstsight,orshouldIwalkbyagain?Howdoyoulikeyoureggscooked?[Why?]WellIjustwantedknowwhattomakeforyouinthemorning!IfIcouldrearrangethealphabet,I'dputUandItogether.Say,didwegotodifferentschoolstogether?Excuseme,butIDOthinkit'stimewemet.Ifyoustoodinfrontofamirrorandheldup11roses,you

wouldsee12ofthemostbeautifulthingsintheworld.

Morepickuplines:retorts“Doyouknowhowmuchapolarbearweigh?”Shesaysno.“Idon’tknoweither,buthebreakstheice”.Bestretortforgirlssuchas:“havewemetsomewhere?”“Yes,definitely!IamanurseintheVD(venerealdisease)clinic.”He:Hey,haven'tIseenyousomeplacebefore?

She:Yeah,that'swhyIdon'tgothereanymore.Man:Isthisseatempty?

Woman:Yes,andthisonewillbetooifyousitdown.Woman:Youlookjustlikemythirdhusband."

Man:Oh,really?Howmanytimeshaveyoubeenmarried?

Woman:Twice.

(Ass/heisleaving)Heyaren'tyouforgettingsomething?S/he:What?Me!CornypickuplinesI'mnottryingtopressureyou.Idon'twanttohavesexwithoutmutualconsent;ohandbytheway,youhavemyconsent.Igotaf,Igotac,Igotak,andallIneedisyou.Whatdoyoucallaguygoestobedwithawomanaftertheirseconddate?Slow.Man:IfIcouldseeyounaked,I'ddiehappy.

Woman:Yeah,butifIsawyounaked,I'dprobablydielaughing.

Virtue:Insufficienttemptation.SexWhydomenmasturbate?It’ssexwithsomeonetheylove.Lifeissexuallytransmitted.Sex?WhatdoIknowaboutsex?I'mamarriedman.Learnfromyourparents’mistakes,usebirthcontrol!Igaveupdrinking,smokingandsex---thatwastheworst15minutesofmylife!Sexislikeair,it’sonlyimportantwhenyou’renotgettingany.Toomanyminutesnotenoughsecs.Womenneedareasontohavesex.Menjustneedaplace.Dancingisaperpendicularexpressionofahorizontaldesire.

Celibacyisnothereditary.Love:Ifyouhaveit[Love],youdon'tneedtohaveanythingelse,andifyoudon'thaveit,itdoesn'tmattermuchwhatelseyouhave.SirJamesM.BarrieFallinginloveconsistsmerelyinuncorkingtheimaginationandbottlingthecommon-sense.HelenRowlandLovedoesnotconsistingazingateachother,butinlookingoutwardtogetherinthesamedirection.AntoinedeSaint-ExuperyYoucan'tbuylove,butyoucanpayheavilyforit.HennyYoungmanTruelovewaits.Trueloveneverrunssmooth.MarriageTherearetwoperiodsinaman’slifewhenhedoesn’tunderstandwomen:beforemarriageandafter.I'llneverforgetwhenImetmywife--butIkeeptrying.WhenImetmywifeIknewshewasMissRight?...Ididn’tknowthatherfirstnamewasAlways?Keepyoureyeswideopenbeforemarriageandhalfshutafterward.Somepeopleproclaim,makelove,notwar?....Whynotgetmarriedanddoboth?Nowadaystheonlyplacetofindthebestmanisatawedding.Mostmenwouldratherpledgeallegiancetoaflagthantoawoman.Marriage2Whenawomangetstothe“betterorworse”partoftheweddingceremony,she’salreadyexperiencedthebetterpart.MywifesaysIneverlistentoher.AtleastIthinkthat'swhatshesaid.Nothinglikealittleexercisetochangeaman’slife---esp.ifit’sawalkdowntheaisle.Allmenmakemistakes,butmarriedmenfindoutaboutthemsooner.Scientistshaverecentlydiscoveredafoodthatgreatlyreducessexdrive---it’scalledweddingcake.Loveisblind,marriageistheeye-opener.Marriage3Marriedpeopledon’treallylivelongerthansinglepeople,itjustseemslonger.Plantandyourspouseplantwithyou;weedandyouweedalone.Insteadofgettingmarriedagain,I’mgoingtofindawomanIdon’tlikeandgiveherahouse.---LewisGrizzardHowcanImissyouifyoudon’tgoaway?Don’tgetmarriedifyouareafraidofsolitude.“Andremember,son,”saidthefatherofthegroom,“theearlyhusbandgetshisownbreakfast.”Marriage4Advicetopersonsabouttomarry:don’t."Iam"istheshortestsentenceintheEnglishlanguage.Coulditbethat"IDo"isthelongestsentence?Evernoticethatwhenwomenholdoffgettingmarried,wecallit“independence”,butwhenmendo,it’scalled“fearofcommitment”?Loveisgrand…Divorceistwentygrand.Happiness,romanceTheonlywayonearthtomultiplyhappinessistodivideit.Forinalladversityoffortunetheworstsortofmiseryistohavebeenhappy.Happinessisaperfumeyoucannotpouronotherswithoutafewdropsonyourself.FamilySomemendeserttheirfamilies,butmostmissingfathersaremerelylookingforaparkingplace.Thefamilyyoucamefromisnotasimportantasthefamilyyou’regoingtohave.Allhappyfamiliesresembledoneanother,eachunhappyfamilyisunhappyinitsownway.LeoTolstorySomefamiliescantracetheirancestrybackthreehundredyears,butcan'ttellyouwheretheirchildrenwerelastnight.Whypaymoneytohaveyourfamilytreetraced;justgointopoliticsandyouropponentswilldoitforyou.Youcan’texpecttomakeaplaceinthesunforyourselfifyoukeeptakingrefugeunderthefamilytree.FamilylifejokesAmarriedcouplewascelebratingtheir60thweddinganniversary.Atthepartyeverybodywantedtoknowhowtheymanagedtostaymarriedsolonginthisdayandage.Thehusbandresponded"Whenwewerefirstmarriedwecametoanagreement.Iwouldmakeallthemajordecisionsandmywifewouldmakealltheminordecisions.Andin60yearsofmarriagewehaveneverneededtomakeamajordecision."Familylifejoke2JoehadaskedBobtohelphimoutwiththedeckafterwork,soBobjustwentstraightovertoJoe'splace.Whentheygottothedoor,Joewentstraighttohiswife,gaveherahugandtoldherhowbeautifulshewasandhowmuchhehadmissedheratwork.Whenitwastimeforsupper,hecomplimentedhiswifeonhercooking,kissedherandtoldherhowmuchhelovedher.Oncetheywereworkingonthedeck,BobtoldJoethathewassurprisedthathefussedsomuchoverhiswife.Joesaidthathe'dstartedthisaboutsixmonthsago,ithadrevivedtheirmarriage,andthingscouldn'tbebetter.Bobthoughthe'dgiveitago.Whenhegothome,hegavehiswifeamassivehug,kissedherandtoldherthathelovedher.Hiswifeburstintotears.

Bobwasconfusedandaskedwhyshewascrying.Shesaid,"Thisistheworstdayofmylife.First,littleBillyfelloffhisbikeandtwistedhisankle.Then,thewashingmachinebrokeandfloodedthebasement.Andnow,youcomehomedrunk!"Joke3Wheneveryourkidsareoutofcontrol,youcantakecomfortfromthethoughtthatevenGod'somnipotencedidnotextendtoGod'skids.Aftercreatingheavenandearth,GodcreatedAdamandEve.AndthefirstthingHesaidtothemwas:"Don't.""Don'twhat?"Adamreplied."Don'teattheforbiddenfruit."Godsaid."Forbiddenfruit?Wegotforbiddenfruit?Hey,Eve...wegotForbiddenFruit!""Noway!“"YesWAY!""Don'teatthatfruit!"saidGod."Why?""BecauseI'myourFatherandIsaidso!"saidGod,wonderingwhyhehadn'tstoppedaftermakingtheelephants.AfewminuteslaterGodsaw