Sex and the City《欲望都市（1998）》第二季第九集完整中英文对照剧本

欲望城市（性♥爱♥专家凯莉布雷萧）“老狗新家伙”有人说纽约的女人TheysaythatthewomeninNewYork是全世界最漂亮的arethemostbeautifulwomenintheworld.这解释了为何纽约的男人WhichexplainswhymeninNewYork总是对她们目不转睛spendalltheirtimelookingatthem.这个城市是为男人流转的目光而设计的游乐场Thecityisaveritableplaygroundformen'srovingeyes.不幸的是他们需要双眼Unfortunately,theyneedbothofthem都看前方才能生存lookingstraightaheadtosurvive.我是个快乐的纽约女人ThisNewYorkwomanwasprettyhappy.我和大人物复合了IwasseeingBigagain.不幸的是我的纽约男人Unfortunately,myNewYorkguy仍盯着别的女人看wasstillseeingotherwomen.如果那是他最大的毛病Ifcheckingoutotherwomenisthebiggestproblem你很幸运you*rehavingwithhim,you'relucky.若这习惯如此微不足道他应该改得掉Well,ifit'sthatsmall,heshouldbeabletostop.亲爱的你没办法改变它Oh,honey,youcan'tchangethataboutaman.这存在于他们的基因密♥码♥中就像放屁It'spartoftheirgeneticcode,likefarting.你会害我吃不下我的脆饼Oh,please,you'regonnaputmeoffmypretzel.接受大人物原本的模样YouhavetotakeBigthewayheis.你不可能改变男人Onceyoustarttotrytochangeaman,it'sdoomed,ittakesalongtimetoheal,but...ButI'mwillingtodothat,I...我希望能好好享受做♥爰♥的乐趣Iwanttofeelgoodaboutmakinglove.那真是太体贴了Oh,thatisso...sweet.你介意等待吗？-Doyoumindwaiting?-Oh,no.一点也不Notatall.显然莎曼珊错了Apparently,Samanthawaswrong.有些男人会让步Somemencouldbudgeaninch.以迈克为例他的牺牲还真不少InMike'scase,itmayhavebeenmorelike,aninchandahalf.隔天早上米兰达又被起床号♥吵醒了Thenextmorning,Mirandawasgettingherusualwake-upcall.你上哪儿去？Hey,whereareyougoing?我要起床I'mgettingup.今天是星期六躺着吧Ah,comeon,it'sSaturday.Comeon,laydown,slowdown.过来Comehere.我们要躺多久？Howlongarewegonnadothis?拥抱也有时间限制？Youwantatimeframeforcuddling?是的比如二十分钟？Yeah.Like20minutes?还是三十分钟？Thirty?你在开玩笑吧You'rekiddingme.让我知道何时结束比较好IthelpsifIhaveanendpointinmind.我习惯有限制Irespondwelltolimits.这就是你的问题你给自己太多限制了That'syourproblem,yougottoomanylimits.你得放手一点米兰达Yougottaletgoalittle,Miranda.听着星期六是我的空闲日Look...Saturdayismyfreeday,right?我得洗衣服再去拿干洗衣物Ihavespinning,andthenIgetmydrycleaning,还得去修指甲andthenIgetmynailsdone,去采购一周的食物andIdomygroceryshoppingfortheweek.听起来不怎么空闲You'renotsoundingveryfreetome.你要陪我去拿干洗的衣服吗？Doyouwanttocomewithmeandgetmydrycleaning?我想也是No,Ididn*tthinkso.最多再躺一个半小时Anhourandahalf,tops.十二个小时后史蒂夫去上班了Twelvehourslater,Stevewenttowork.与此同时我们齐聚在最爰的酒吧Aboutthesametime,wewentouttoourfavoritebar这里星期六会举♥行♥变装皇后的宾果游戏whichonSaturdays,changesintodragqueenbingo.快点…N23Comeon,comeon,N-23.我真的很喜欢他Ireallylikehim.但早上做♥爱♥这档事把我整惨「Butthismorningthingiskillingme.不在晚上做已经够糟了It'sbadenoughwe'veneverdoneitatnight,早上完事后他还要我陪他一起躺着butafterwedoitinthemorning,hejustwantstolietherewithme.每个人都想要可以拥抱的男人Everyonewantsaguywhowantstocuddle.各位0330-33,ladies.该死Shit!我很嫉妒你Well,Tmjealous.大人物甚至不肯在我家过夜Bigwon'tevenspendthenightatmyplace.你拥有真正的亲密关系Youknow,whatyouhaveisrealintimacy.我是被软禁在床上It'sbed-arrest.我曾整天躺在床上I'vebeenhorizontalallday,但我有事要做我没洗衣服andIhaderrandstodo,Imissedspinning.能做♥爰♥就别洗衣服了Youdon'thavetospinifyou'rehavingsex.B12B-12!来个N23如何？HowaboutN-23?我♥干♥嘛玩这个？我从没赢过Idon'tknowwhyIplaythis,Ineverwin.为什么我得调整作息？WhydoIhavetobetheonetochangemyroutine?因为你真的很喜欢他Well,maybebecauseyoureallyliketheguy而且放慢生活步调也无妨anditwouldn'tkillyoutoslowdownalittle.米兰达是对的No,Miranda'sright.为什么改变的总是女人永远不是男人？Whyisitthewomanthatalwayshastochangeandnevertheguy?因为我们适应力比较强Becausewearemoreadaptable.我喜欢在早上做♥爰♥Ilovemorningsex.我大学毕业以后就没在早上做过爰了Ihaven'tdonemorningsexsinceIwasincollege而且那还是因为11点才有课andthenitwasonlybecauseIdidn'thavetobeinclassuntileleven.你应该排一个时间表Well,maybeyouguysshouldcomeupwithascheduleorsomething.做♥爱♥时间表?Asexschedule?那还真浪漫呢Veryromantic!给他一个惊喜只穿着雨衣带着微笑去找他Yeah,surprisehimatthebarwearingnothingbutatrenchcoatandasmile.那将是酒吧的快乐时光Now,thatwouldbeahappyhour.0690-69!如果你对这段感情认真你应该想办法维持下去Ijustthinkthatifyoureallybelieveintherelationshipthenyoushouldworkatit.为了包皮把男友电了的女人居然说这种话This,fromawomanwhodumpedaguyoverforeskin.事实上我们还在交往Actually,we'restilldating.那个沙皮狗？TheSharPei?他要去割包皮He'sgettingcircumcised.拜托告诉我我们不必去观礼Pleasetellmethatwe'renotinvitedtothebris.再给我一块板子好吗？CouldIgetanotherboard,please?莎曼珊？Samantha?我就是Yes.是我布莱德It*sme.Brad.布莱德麦考斯基？BradMcColskey?布莱德是莎曼珊几年前Bradwasasemi-professionalhockeyplayer交往过的曲棍球员Samanthahaddatedafewyearsback.最近他唯一阻挡的东西在他的裤裆Apparently,theonlythinghewascheckingthesedayswerehispants...atthedoor.看看你大美女你好漂兄Lookatyou,missthing,youlookfabulous!你也是Oh,wow,well,sodoyou.你从什么时候开始…Uh...Whendidyoustartdoing...Doing...?大约五年前Oh!Aboutfiveyearsago.跟你分手之后Rightafteryou.也许莎曼珊错了MaybeSamanthawaswrong.显然她可以改变一个男人Apparently,shecouldchangeaman.孩子们好吗Howarethekids?很好杰克上二年级了Oh,good,good,Jakeisinsecondgrade.杰克有两个妈妈了Jakehastwomommies.别的客人也需要板子莎曼珊Thereareotherpeoplewhoneedboards,Samantha.吃颗感冒药吧西贡小姐Takeachillpill,MissSaigon!莎曼珊？Samantha?模仿是最真诚的奉承Well,imitationisthesincerestformofflattery.我要走了玩得愉快Gottago,enjoythegame!N23N-23!宾果Bingo!我比他漂亮多了Iamsomuchprettierthanhim.两个小时后我和大人物约在他家见面Twohourslater,IwassupposedtomeetBigathisplace.两个半小时后他终于现身了Twoandahalfhourslater,heshowedup.对不起Sorry.你迟到了半小时You'reahalfhourlate.门房♥以为我是妓♥女♥YourdoormanthinksI'mahooker.・有生意上门吗？•不好笑我讨厌等人-Didyoumakeanymoney?-Notfunny.Ihatewaiting,在这里等你here,foryou.转角有一家咖啡厅There'sacoffeeshop,aroundthecorner,你可以进去等youcouldVewaited,in.我要走了Youknowwhat?I'mgonnago.・别生气■我快气死了-Oh,don'tbepissed.-I'mpissed!上楼吧WelL..Comeupstairs.如果你给我一把钥匙Youknow,ifyougavemeakey,下次我就能在楼上等Icouldwaitupstairsnexttime.钥匙？Akey?或者偶尔你可以在我家过夜Oryoucanstayatmyplacesometimes.我的锁很容易撬开Ifseasytopickmylocks.可是我喜欢我的床Yeah...Butthen,Ilikemybed.还有电梯服务Lookatthatservice.来吧Comeon.当晚气氛不太一样Thatnight,somethingelsechanged.我们两个都不想做♥爰♥Neitherofuswantedtomakelove.如果大人物只能付出这么多这对我来说够吗？IfthiswasallIwasevergonnagetoutofBig,wasitenoughforme?然后凌晨三点在半梦半醒之际Andthen,at3:00am,somewherebetweensleepandwaking,我得到了答案Igotmyanswer.•该死•怎么了？-Ow,dammit!-What?凯莉Huh?Carrie?你没事吧？Ah!Areyouallright?才怪No!搞什么鬼？Whatthefuck?我的天Oh,myGod!你干嘛？Whatthehellwasthat?你把我推下床Youknockedmeoutofbed!你根本不知道我在这里Youdidn'tevenknowIwashere!我现在知道了下次你是不是要打断我的手臂？Well,Idonow.Whydon*tyoubreakmyarmthenexttime?对不起I'msorry.老天Jesus!好吧小可爰God.Allright,SugarRay.一整张床都让给你•你要去哪里？-Thebed'sallyours.-Whereareyougoing?我去睡沙发I'mgonnasleeponthecouch.等等听我解释Well,wait!Wouldyoujustletmeexplain?现在不要谈…Don'ttalknow...现在不是谈话的时机Bad,totalknow.但我睡不着ButIcouldn'tsleep.凌晨四点我决定让他陪我一起睡不着Andat4:00a.m.,Idecidedhecouldn'tsleep,either.这是给你敷脸的冰块Ifsiceforyourface.我感觉得到Yes,Icanfeelthat.我知道是我乱发脾气Okay,IknowI'velostalittleofmypowerhere,我也肯定大部分的女性杂♥志♥andI'mprettysurethatmostwomen'smagazines会说我不该那么做wouldsaythatwhatIjustdidwasaverybadidea.但…那晚我生气But...Thethingis,theothernight...不只是因为雪茄wasn'tjustaboutthecigar.从来都不是Itneveris.我讨厌你看别的女人Ihatethatyoulookatotherwomen.我讨厌没有你家的钥匙IhatethatIdon*thaveakeytoyourplace.你从不在我家过夜你的床…You'veneverspentthenightatmyplace.Youcan'tevenmake...甚至容不下我spaceformeinyourbed.这不是你的错因为是我没跟你说Andit'snotyourfaultbecauseIneversayit.而现在我揍了你一拳所以我非说不可So,nowIpunchedyou,so,nowIhavetosayit.所以现在我要说了So；nowI'mgonnasayit.我觉得虽然我们复合了…Ifeellike,I'mbackinyourlife,但却没什么改变andnothinghasreallychanged.我知道你不可能改变一个男人AndIknowthatyoucan'tchangeaman,像你这样的男人更不可能改变可是…andyoudefinitelycan'tchangeamanlikeyou,but,我仍然希望有一点改变Istillwant...somethingtochange,alittlebit,为了我forme.肢体暴♥力♥绝非解决之道Physicalviolenceisnevertheanswer.我走了I'mgonnago.-会痛吗？-会-Doesithurt?-Yes.听着我相信我一定有让你不满意的地方Look,Tmsuretherearethingsyoudon'tlikeaboutme.少来这套Notfallingforthatone.这是我喜欢大人物的一点Well,thatwasonethingIlikedaboutBig.他很清楚何时该闭嘴Hedefinitelyknewwhentoshutup.隔天晚上夏洛特和迈克出去Thenextnight,CharlottetookMikeout喝一杯手术后的威士忌forapostoperativescotch.那会痛吗？So,didithurt?以一到五的等级来说我想是…Onascaleofonetofive,I'dgiveita...七十二？-Seventy-two?-Ah!・好可怜■没关系-Youpoorthing!-Oh,that*salright.最坏的已经过去了现在…Theworstisover,nowIjust...我只接受同情等待复原acceptsympathyandheal.需要多久？Forhowlong?再过一个礼拜左右Aboutanotherweekorso.我等不及了Ican'twait.我也是Meeither.天啊夏洛特Oh,God,Charlotte,你真是让我性致勃勃youreallyturnmeon.你…你还是走吧Youknow,youreally...Youshouldgo.当晚借着咖啡提神Muchlaterthatnight,bolsteredbycoffee,米兰达决定施展午夜诱惑Mirandadecidedtoperforma2:00a.m.seduction.你看你美极了Wow,lookatyou,youlookgreat!有什么大事？What'stheoccasion?现在两点了但我还不想睡It's2:00a.m.andIamstillawake.我想我们应该庆祝一下Ithoughtwecouldcelebrate.我已经喝了五杯咖啡I'vehadfivecupsofcoffee.那倒值得开个派对That'sworthaparty.在房♥间等我我去拿酒Meetmeinthebedroom,I'llgetthewine.起来Hey,getup.怎么了？What?今晚你该回家睡觉Ithinkyoushouldspendthenightatyourplacetonight.为什么？Why?我想多睡一下BecauseI'dreallyliketocatchuponmysleep,而且不必担心andIreallydon'twanttoworryabout早上还得跟你做♥爰♥havingsexwithyouinthemorning,之后躺着休息导致上班迟到andthenjustlyingthereandbeinglate.你不喜欢跟我做♥爱♥?Youdon'tlikehavingsexwithme.我很喜欢No,Ido,Iloveit.他绝不会让步theywon'tbudgeaninch.但你能够巧妙地连哄带骗Well,Iknow,butyoucan...subtlymanipulateandcajole.你可以在发型和穿着上做文章Theonlythingsyoucanworkwitharehairandwardrobe,不过连那也是长♥期♥抗争buteventhen,it'saconstantbattle.我喜欢他的发型和穿着Ialreadylikethehairandwardrobe.知足吧Thenbehappy.没有完美的男人Honey,nomanisperfect.我并非要求完美我只是希望他做一点小改变I'mnotaskingforperfection,Tmjustlookingfor,uh...slightalterations.小心点Oh,becarefulwithalterations.稍有不慎便会一败涂地Ifyoupullthewrongthread,everythingfallsapart.当我们探讨改变理论时WhileSamanthaandIdiscussedthetheoryofchange,米兰达正亲身体验Mirandawasgoingthroughitforreal.她有了新公♥寓♥新男友Shehadanewapartment,anewboyfriend...以及让她抓狂的新约会时间Andanewdatingschedulethatwaskillingher.对不起Hey,I'msorry.我本来以为酒吧会早点打烂Ithoughtwerdbeclosingthebarearlier.你已经睡了Oh,jeez,youwereasleep.没有我还醒着No,no,I'mup,hi.来吧Comeonin.过来你没事吧？-Comehere,youokay?・0w,ow.我看看但我希望至少有一次在晚上做ButjustonceIwouldliketodoitatnight,像其他正常人一样likeothernormalHomosapiens.放轻松我们可以现在做Hey,relax!Wecanhavesexnow.不行Wecan'thavesexnow!本来有个很好的时机但那是半小时前的事了Ihadawindow,andithappenedhalfanhourago!做♥爰♥还有时机？Youhadawindowforsex?抱歉我是个律师我会累I'msorry,fmalawyer,Igettired.我是个酒保Yeah,well,Tmabartender,我早已厌烦别人情绪失控大呼小叫andIgetawfullytiredofdealingwithotherpeople'sneuroses.当你…Whenyouget,uh...时机对了或是门户大开…Get,youknow,a...apicturewindoworawholedoorwayoftime,再打电♥话♥给我callme.米兰达从未觉得自己是个如此失败的律师Mirandahadneverfeltlesslikeasuccessfullawyerinherlife.即使她打赢了官司Eventhoughshe'dwonhercase,却也受到伤害she'dalsobeenleftwithallthedamages.一个星期后夏洛特终于有机会Aweeklater,Charlottefinallygotherchance一窥新货的真面目tobreakinthenewmerchandise.你认为怎么样？Whatdoyouthink?太完美了It'sperfect.这感觉好像是同时收到生日和圣诞礼物ItwaslikeherbirthdayandChristmasrolledintoone.你知道这将是我的初体验？Yourealizethismakesmeavirgin.我会很温柔的Filbegentle.那真是太美妙了Thatwasreallywonderful.没错Itwas.是五根搅拌棒Afive.你礼拜六晚上要做什么？So,whatdoyouwanttodoSaturdaynight?礼拜六？我们有计划了吗？Saturday?Didwehaveplans?没有但…No,but...我想我们可以去参加戏剧联展的义演Ithoughtmaybewecouldgotothisdramaleaguebenefit,或是低调一点待在家里看录影带orwecould...youknow,golow-keyandstayinandrentvideos.夏洛特等等听我说Oh,Charlotte,hangon,listen.我认为我还没准备好定下来Idon'tthinkI'mreadyforthistobe...youknow,likeabigthing.定下来？Abigthing?我只是觉得我现在不能被绑住Well,I...IjustfeellikeIcan'tbetieddownrightnow.我已经焕然一新There'sawholenewmehappening.我应该出去外面和大家分享IfeellikeIshouldgetoutthereandshareit.你想分享你的命根子？Youwanttoshareyourpenis?我…没错Well...Yeah.我的意思是Imean,IfeellikeIoweittomyself我应该它出去见识一下外面的世界totakethedoggieoutforawalkaroundtheblock.夏洛特再也没见过迈克Youknow?CharlotteneversawMikeagain.她明白你可以让命根子脱离沙皮狗的模样SherealizedyoucouldtaketheSharPeioutofthepenis,却永远无法去除男人的狗性butshecouldnevertakethedogoutoftheman.几天后我发现你的确可以改变男人Afewdayslater,Irealizedyoucouldchangeaman.你可以让他不再打电♥话♥给你Youcouldchangehimintonotcallingyou.瞧瞧那黑眼圈Well,lookatthat.你才看清楚我已经看过了No,youlookatit,Fveseenitalready.对不起Sorry.别轻举妄动Ah,easy!手不能靠近脸部Nohandsneartheface.进来吧Comein.我只是来跟你说一件事Ijustcameovertotellyousomething.你要告我对不对？You'resuingme,right?听着Look,也许你需要一把钥匙才能相信我为你疯狂maybeyouneedakeytoknowthatI'mcrazyaboutyou.但事实上我曾给过五把钥匙Butthethingis,I'vegivenoutlike,fivekeys.却从没拿回来过Andyouneverget'emback.也许我霸占了整张床但那是我的床AndmaybeI...Ihogmybed.But,Imean,it'smybed.而且…我喜欢你躺在上面And,well,Ilikeyouinit.我应该更常打你Wow；Ishouldhityoumoreoften.还有柳橙-Andtheoranges.-What?不能在床上吃柳橙Theorangeshavetogo.这是我不喜欢你的地方Now,thisissomethingIdon'tlikeaboutyou.我讨厌你在我床上吃柳橙Ihatethatyoueatorangesinmybed.真的？Youdo?它们粘粘的还会把我的床单弄臭They'restickyandtheymakethesheetsstink.就这样？That'sit?我喜欢我的床单Ilikemysheets.你拿什么跟我交换柳橙？Whatareyougonnagivemefortheoranges?你要讨价还价？Anegotiation?是的Yep.这可能要一段时间Well,thiscouldtakeawhile.有可能Itcould.看来我得在这里过夜了Well,itlookslikeImayhavetospendthenight.当晚大人物第一次Thatnight,forthefirsttime,在我家过夜Bigspentthenightatmyplace.我明白我们两个都无法彻底改变Irealizedthatneitherofuswouldeverfundamentallychange,但我们愿意面对这件事butweweretalkingaboutit.也许那就是最大的改变Andmaybethatwasthebiggestchangeofall.隔天我的床单都是雪茄味Thenextday,mysheetsstunkofcigars.我马上把它们换掉Ichangedthemimmediately.凌晨两点在城的另一头Acrosstown,itwas2:00am,米兰达却毫无睡意andMirandawasnoclosertogettingsleep.喂？Hello?嗨Hi.抱歉吵醒你了Sorrytowakeyou.不要紧我还没睡It'sokay,Iwasawake.我不想烦你Look,Idon'twannabugyou.Um...帮我一个忙到窗边来Domeafavor,gotothewindow.抬头望Nowlookup.我的天Oh,myGod!很美吧？It*samazing,isn'tit?蓝色的月亮It'sabluemoon,很少见的it'sreallyrare.我只是想让你看看Ijustwantedyoutoseeit.就在此刻Itwasrightthen,米兰达终于放慢步调向史蒂夫投降thatMirandafinallysloweddown,andgaveintoSteve.下班后过来好吗？Comeoverwhenyou'redone,okay?好Yeah.再见Night.当晚米兰达和史蒂夫做♥爱♥Thatnight,MirandaandStevemadelove.他们在早上又做了一次Andtheydiditagaininthemorning.米兰达迟到了一小时她却完全没注意Mirandawasanhourlateforworkanddidn'tevennotice.也许你无法改变男人So,maybeyoucan'tchangeaman,但在千载难逢的机会下你可以改变一个女人butonceinabluemoon,youcanchangeawoman.-Let'ssee.-Ah!这样好一点了吗？Isthatbetter?好多了谢谢That'sbetter,thankyou.你今晚过得如何？So,howwasyournight?我不知道我睡着了Idon'tknow,Iwasasleep.抱歉我迟到了I'msorryIwaslate.我以为我们大约两点会打烂Ithoughtweweregonnaclosethebararoundtwo.结果来了一群日本银行家ThenwegotthisbiggroupofJapanesebankerscamein.他们喝得烂醉如泥Andalltheywantisthesebigflamingdrinks.其中一个还吐了…Andthenoneofthemgotsickandthen...算了Nevermind.史蒂夫什么都好除了一件事EverythingwasgreataboutSteve,exceptforonething.早安Morning.过来Comehere!他们的作息完全相反Theyhadcompletelyoppositeschedules.史蒂夫整个早上都很空闲Stevehadallthetimeintheworldinthemornings.米兰达却得七点起床Mirandagotrightupatseven.可惜史蒂夫也在早上升国旗Unfortunately,Stevedidtoo.我得去上班Ihavetogotowork.还没Notyet.米兰达早上只喜欢TheonlythingMirandalikedinsideherinthemornings在去地铁站途中喝杯咖啡wasthecupoftake-outcoffeeshedrankonthewaytothesubway.当晚夏洛特跟迈克打得火热Thatnight,inabedacrosstown,CharlottewasseeingalotofMike,他是一个以五根搅拌棒评分制acutebutfearedrestaurantcritic而闻名的美食评论家famousforhispatentedfive-whiskratingsystem.迈克？Mike?我们做♥爱♥吧Let'smakelove.夏洛特你是个五根搅拌棒的女人Charlotte...Charlotte,youareafive-whiskwoman.正当夏洛特准备探索他的命根子时ButjustwhenCharlottehadbecomecomfortablewiththepenis,却收到意外惊喜shegotaveryunexpectedsurprise.你的…Oh…You're...它…It's…没割包皮Uncircumcised.这没关系吧？Isthatokay?不…当然No!Sure.当然没关系Ofcourse,itis.这大有关系Itwasnotokay.她唯一看过一刀未剪的事物TheonlyuncutversionofanythingCharlottehadeverseen是原版的“乱世佳人〃wastheoriginalGoneWithTheWind.有好多层皮Therewassomuchskin,简直就像沙皮狗itwaslikeaSharPei!你没看过未割包皮的阴♥茎♥?You'veneverseenanuncircumcisedone?我来自康乃迪克州I'mfromConnecticut!提醒一下你是跟人交往不是命根子Reminder,you'redatingtheguy,notthepenis.我很重视美感Aestheticsareimportanttome.重要的不是长什么样而是功能It'snotwhatitlookslike,it'swhattheycandowithit.我不需要能自♥制♥包皮的男人Well,Idon'tneedonethatcanmakeitsowncarryingcase!我个人偏爰没割包皮的命根子-Ha,ha,ha,ha!-Personally...!loveanuncircumciseddick.就像棒棒糖It'slikeatootsiepop.外面是硬的里面却蕴藏美味的惊喜Hardontheoutside,withadelicioussurpriseinside.我不喜欢惊喜Idon'tlikesurprises.我喜欢一览无遗IlikeitallouttherewhereIcanseeit.我也是很抱歉那不正常Samehere,Tmsorry,itisnotnormal.事实上85%的男人没割包皮Well,actually,itis.Somethinglike85%ofmenaren'tcircumcised.很好现在他们接管全世界了Great,nowthey'retakingovertheworld!那是阴♥茎♥不是哥斯拉Honey,it'sapenis,notGodzilla.如果85%的男人没割包皮Hey,if85%aren'tcircumcised,我最多只和15%的男人上过床thatmeansI'veonlysleptwith15%ofthepopulation,tops!你几乎可算是处♥女♥Wow,you'repracticallyavirgin.他是个好人怎么会这样？Youknow,he'sanice,waspyguy.Whatwentwrong?也许他父母不信这一套Well,maybehisparentswerehippiesandtheyjustdidn'tbelieveinit.我一定会帮我儿子割包皮Iamsocircumcisingmykids.现在可以付钱请别人帮你做Ithinkyoucanpaypeopletodothatnow.我才不想让别的女人Idon'teverwannaknowthere'sawomanoutthere在背后叫我儿子沙皮狗callingmysonaSharPei.我认为没割包皮的男人最棒AllI'msayingisuncutmenarethebest.他们会更努力Theytryharder.我再清楚不过了Ishouldknow.我跟其中五个人上过床Fvesleptwithfiveofthem.总数是多少？Outofhowmany?无限多Infinity.当晚大人物和我心血来潮外出用餐Thatnight,BigandIwentouttocelebrate...absolutelynothing.再来一点格拉帕酒？Moregrappa?不谢了No,thankyou.今天我的编辑打电♥话♥给我…Oh,listen,myeditorcalledmetodayandshe's…你刚跟我说话？Youweresaying?没错Yes,Iwas.抱歉这里不能抽烟Excuseme,youcan'tsmokethatinhere.真的吗？Really?你百分之百肯定？You'reabsolutelypositivelysureaboutthat?因为我查过这张桌子的位置Because,Icheckedthezoningonthisparticulartable,我确信它是在雪茄友善区内andI'mprettysurethistableisinacigar-friendlyzone.我并不介意但这是为了其他顾客Well,Idon'tmind,butitsfortheotherpatrons.如果那五位顾客不介意就没问题了？Oh,youmean,ifthosefivepatronsdon'tmind,it'sokaywithyou?-先生我必须…-等一下-Sir,I'mgonnahaveto...-Justonesecond.不好意思今天是我在世的最后一日Excuseme,thisismylastdayonearth.明天早上我就要被处死了I'mbeingexecutedtomorrowmorning.那位是我的假释官Um,that'smyparoleofficerthere.你们介意我抽雪茄吗？WouldyoumindterriblyifIsmokedthis,ladies?不介意No.谢谢Thankyou.抱歉Excuseme,Tmsorry.我可以抽雪茄吗？WoulditbeokayifIsmokedthis?让我先说一句And,please,letme我乐意请各位再喝一杯酒Fdliketobuyeverybodyaroundofdrinks.显然其他顾客一点也不觉得困扰Apparently,theotherpatronsaren'tbotheredatall.我没有勇气告诉大人物其实他的行为让我很反感Ididn'thavethegutstotellBigthathewasactuallykindofbotheringme.他们不会告诉你实话的Well,it'snotlikethey'regonnatellyo