English_Humor.ppt

open your mouth doctor: please open your mouth, madam. lady: thank you very much, doctor. doctor: why do you thank me? lady: because my husband always asked me to shut up. my little dog cant read mrs. brown: oh, my dear, i have lost my precious little dog! mrs. smith: but you must put an advertisement in the papers. mrs. brown : its no use, my little dog cant read. the longest and the shortest a teacher asked one of his students: what is the longest and what is the shortest? the student answered immediately: the last several minutes of a class is the longest, while the last several minutes of an exam is the shortest. the reason of being late the teacher asked tom: “ why did you come to school so late this morning?” “someone lost one yuan.”answered tom. “oh,now i know,you helped him find the money,”the teacher said. “no,i stood on the money until the person went away,”was toms reply. always thirty a judge asked the defendant her age. “thirty，“she replied. “youve given that age in this court for the last there years.” “yes.im not of those who says one thing today and another thing tomorrow.” the longest and the shortest a teacher asked asked one of his students:”what is the longest and what is the shortest?” the student answered immediately:”the last several minutes of a class is the longest,while the last several minutes of an exam is the shortest.” mother was too busy teacher: mike,youre always asking your father to do your homework instead,and agnin this time mike: pardon,sir,this time at first i would not let him do it,but mother was too busy. 标定符号的重要性 am english teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard:”woman without her man is nothing”. the teacher then asked the sutdents to punctuate the words correctly. the men wrote:”woman,without her man,is nothing.” the women wrote:”woman!without her,man is nothing.” in a restaurant customer : waiter,theres a dead beetle in my soup. waiter : yes sir,they are not very good swimmers. customer : waiter,theres a fly in my soup. waiter : thatall right,sir,he wont drink much. customer : waiter,theres a fly swimming in my soup. waiter ：so what do you expect me to do,call a lifeguard? customer : waiter,whats the meaning of this fly in my teacup? waiter : i wouldnt know,sir,im a waiter,not a fortune teller. i taught the teacher mother asked her lttle boy,”darling,what did the teacher teach you today?” “nothing,mum,”answered the son proudly,”instead,she asked me how much one plus two was,and i told her three.” i wasnt asleep when a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. the conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said:” wake up, sir!” “i wasnt asleep, ”the man answered. “not asleep? but you had your eyes closed.” “i know. i just hate to look at ladies standing up beside me in a crowded car.” the same mother billy and his brother davy were in the same class.the teacher assigned them to write a composition “my mother”.davy wrote one and billy just copied it. on the next day the teacher asked billy,”how is it that your composition is exactly the same with davys?” “we have the same mother,dont we?”replied billy. can we have our teacher back? once a super intendent of schools was visiting a three-room school. one room was very noisy,so the man grabbed a tall boy who had been standing up talking, he took the boy into another room and stood him in the corner. five minutes later, a small boy came out of the first room and said,” when can we have our teacher back?” who is the laziest？ father ：well，tom，i asked to your teacher today,and now i want to ask you a question.who is the laziest person in your class? tom : i dont know,father. father : oh,yes,you do! think! when other boys and girls are doing and writing,who sits in the class and only watches how other people work? tom : our teacher,father who should be given the gift? a father of five children came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present. who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told? he inquired. there was silence, and then a chorus of voices，you play with it, daddy! all i do is pay “my family is jiust like a nation,” mr.brown told his colleague.”my wife is the minister of finance,my mother-in-law is the minister of war,and my daughter is foreign secrectary.” “sounds interesting,”his colleague replied.”and what is your position?” “im the people.all i do is pay.” a trip to disney on a trip to disney world in florida, my husband and i and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. after three exhausting days, we headed for home. as we drove away, our son waved and said, goodbye, mickey. my husband waved, rather weakly, and said, goodbye, money. she didnt say anything a mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching tv in the room. suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence. the girl looked at her father and said, “it was mom”. “how do you know?” asked her father. “she didnt say anything.” i have turned it over a woman said to her husband, “dear, look at our sheet! its too dirty. would you like to wash it now?” the man looked at the sheet and then thought for a while and then said, “i dont think its necessary. we can turn the sheet over. is that all right?” his wife was very angry at this. “how lazy you are!” she shouted, “to tell you the truth, i turned it over last week.” the art of cry when mrs johnson entered bellis room, she found that he was binding up his thumb. “whats the matter with you?” she asked. “it is because of that hammer.” belli answered. “but i didnt hear you cry.” “oh, i thought you were not in just now.” we need two of those “do you need any typists?” asked a young man seeking a job. “no,” said the personnel director checking the list. “we have got plenty of typists.” “how about file clerks?” asked the man. “sorry, we have many file clerks, too.” disgusted, the applicant started to leave, muttering. “well, ill be an s.o.b.” the personnel man jumped up and cried, “what! we need two of those.” its not that “may i borrow your record player tonight?” a man asked his neighbor. “sure. do you want to listen to some music?” “no,” he answered. “tonight i want to have some peace and quiet.” it is out too one cold day, a friend of the browns went to visit them. the maid stopped him at the door. the friend asked, “is mr. brown at home?” “no, he has gone out.” replied the maid. “is mrs. brown at home, then?” “no, she gone out.” “may i come in and sit by the stove?” “no, it has gone out, too.” tom and his mother “mother,” said little tom, “did you tell father i wanted a new bicycle?” “yes, dear,” said his mother. “i told him, but he said he couldnt afford to buy you one.” “of course he would say that. but what did you do?” i told him how badly you wanted it and argued in favor of it, but he refused. “argued? ah, mother, if it had been something you wanted you would have cried a little and then youd have got it!” the umbrella a gentleman staying in a hotel left his umbrella in the hall, but he had put on the handle a card on which was written: “this umbrella belongs to a gentleman who can lift up a hundred pounds. i shall be back in ten minutes.“ when he came back, he found, instead of his umbrella, another card on which was written,“this card belongs to a man who can run ten miles an hour. i shall not come back.“ always share! an old couple went into a restaurant and ordered something to eat:one coca cola and one portion of french fries. the old man sat down and the woman, his wife, sat opposite him, and he began to divide the coca cola into two glasses, half for him and half for his wife. he divided all the french fries half-and-half. he gave half to his wife and kept half for himself. then he began to eat and drink,and the woman just drank but didnt eat. there was a young man who was standing next to the table and wondering why the old man had divided everything in half, and he thought that maybe they didnt have any money. he said to the old couple, “okay, i can buy you one more portion; you dont have to share like that.“ so the old man explained, “no, no, no, we have been married for forty years and we always share everything. whatever we have, we share half and half. dont worry, but thank you, anyhow.“ but then after a while, he saw that the woman wasnt eating eat, and only the man ate, and he asked, “why arent you eating?“ and the wife said, “today its his turn to use the teeth.“ two guys were walking two guys were walking through the jungle. all of a sudden, a tiger appears from a distance, running towards them. one of the guys takes out a pair of nikes from his bag and starts to put them on. the other guy with a surprised look and exclaims,do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those? his friend replies,i dont have to out run it,i just have to run faster than you. i have turned it over a woman said to her husband, “dear, look at our sheet! its too dirty. would you like to wash it now?” the man looked at the sheet and then thought for a while and then said, “i dont think its necessary. we can turn the sheet over. is that all right?” his wife was very angry at this. “how lazy you are!” she shouted, “to tell you the truth, i turned it over last week.” the art of cry when mrs johnson entered bellis room, she found that he was binding up his thumb. “whats the matter with you?” she asked. “it is because of that hammer.” belli answered. “but i didnt hear you cry.” “oh, i thought you were not in just now.” its not that “may i borrow your record player tonight?” a man asked his neighbor. “sure. do you want to listen to some music?” “no,” he answered. “tonight i want to have some peace and quiet.” it is out too one cold day, a friend of the browns went to visit them. the maid stopped him at the door. the friend asked, “is mr. brown at home?” “no, he has gone out.” replied the maid. “is mrs. brown at home, then?” “no, she gone out.” “may i come in and sit by the stove?” “no, it has gone out, too.” tom and his mother “mother,” said little tom, “did you tell father i wanted a new bicycle?” “yes, dear,” said his mother. “i told him, but he said he couldnt afford to buy you one.” “of course he would say that. but what did you do?” i told him how badly you wanted it and argued in favor of it, but he refused. “argued? ah, mother, if it had been something you wanted you would have cried a little and then youd have got it!” the umbrella a gentleman staying in a hotel left his umbrella in the hall, but he had put on the handle a card on which was written: “this umbrella belongs to a gentleman who can lift up a hundred pounds. i shall be back in ten minutes.“ when he came back, he found, instead of his umbrella, another card on which was written,“this card belongs to a man who can run ten miles an hour. i shall not come back.“ always share! an old couple went into a restaurant and ordered something to eat:one coca cola and one portion of french fries. the old man sat down and the woman, his wife, sat opposite him, and he began to divide the coca cola into two glasses, half for him and half for his wife. he divided all the french fries half-and-half. he gave half to his wife and kept half for himself. then he began to eat and drink,and the woman just drank but didnt eat. there was a young man who was standing next to the table and wondering why the old man had divided everything in half, and he thought that maybe they didnt have any money. he said to the old couple, “okay, i can buy you one more portion; you dont have to share like that.“ so the old man explained, “no, no, no, we have been married for forty years and we always share everything. whatever we have, we share half and half. dont worry, but thank you, anyhow.“ but then after a while, he saw that the woman wasnt eating eat, and only the man ate, and he asked, “why arent you eating?“ and the wife said, “today its his turn to use the teeth.“ cat and mice mrs brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small box with holes punched in the top. “ whats in your box?“ asked the friend. “a cat,“ answered mrs brown. “you see ive been dreaming about mice at night and im so scared! this cat is to catch them.“ “but the mice are only imaginary,“ said the friend. “so is the cat,“ whispered mrs brown. snake talk two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, “are we poisonous snakes?“ the other replied, “youre darn right were poisonous! were rattlesnakes(响尾蛇). why do you ask?“ to which the first replied, “because i just bit my tongue.“ a foolish wife a newly married woman was sitting on a chair, looking vexed, when her husband came home. “whats up? why do you look so troubled?“ the husband asked. the woman replied, “im so sorry. i was ironing your new suit and burned a hole in your trousers.“ and the man said, “thats all right. i have another pair that is exactly the same.“ “thank god you do. i used it to mend this pair,“the wife responded. my daughters music lessons jack: my daughters music lessons are a fortune to me john: how is that? jack: they enabled me to buy the neighbors house at half price. god must have a computer a mother was teaching her 5-year- old son about god. “do you know,“ she said to him one day, “that god knows where everybody is all the time, and exactly what they are doing.“ the little boy looked at his mother wide-eyed and said, “wow. he must have a computer.“ the longest and the shortest a teacher asked one of his students: what is the longest and what is the shortest? the student answered immediately: the last several minutes of a class is the longest, while the last several minutes of an exam is the shortest. the reason of being late the teacher asked tom: “ why did you come to school so late this morning?” “someone lost one yuan.”answered tom. “oh,now i know,you helped him find the money,”the teacher said. “no,i stood on the money until the person went away,”was toms reply. always thirty a judge asked the defendant her age. “thirty，“she replied. “youve given that age in this court for the last there years.” “yes.im not of those who says one thing today and another thing tomorrow.” the longest and the shortest a teacher asked asked one of his students:”what is the longest and what is the shortest?” the student answered immediately:”the last several minutes of a class is the longest,while the last several minutes of an exam is the shortest.” mother was too busy teacher: mike,youre always asking your father to do your homework instead,and agnin this time mike: pardon,sir,this time at first i would not let him do it,but mother was too busy. we need two of those “do you need any typists?” asked a young man seeking a job. “no,” said the personnel director checking the list. “we have got plenty of typists.” “how about file clerks?” asked the man. “sorry, we have many file clerks, too.” disgusted, the applicant started to leave, muttering. “well, ill be an s.o.b.” the personnel man jumped up and cried, “what! we need two of those.” this is my seat it was a womans first time on a plane. she boarded the plane and found herself a window seat. after she settled in, a man came over and insisted that she was in his seat. she ignored him and told him to go away. “okay,“ replied the man. “if thats the way you want it, you fly the plane.“ make your own bed farmer: if you want to spend the night here, youll have to make your own bed. traveling salesman: thats perfectly all right. farmer: heres a hammer and saw. good night. i always do two friends were talking about work, when one asked, “say, why did the foreman fire you? ” replied the second, “well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watch others work. my foreman got jealous. people started thinking i was the foreman.“ one more cake the old lady was delighted with the gift the boy and brought her. “ill go round and see your mother tomorrow,“ she said, “and ill thank for this lovely pie.“ “um, if you dont mind,“ the boy said nervously, “could you thank her for two pies?“ twenty dollars “im sorry ，madam ，but i shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boys tooth .” “twenty dollars! why ，i understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!” “yes ，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .” mother was too busy teacher: mike,youre always asking your father to do your homework instead,and agnin this time mike: pardon,sir,this time at first i would not let him do it,but mother was too busy. 标定符号的重要性 am english teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard:”woman without her man is nothing”. the teacher then asked the sutdents to punctuate the words correctly. the men wrote:”woman,without her man,is nothing.” the women wrote:”woman!without her,man is nothing.” in a restaurant customer : waiter,theres a dead beetle in my soup. waiter : yes sir,they are not very good swimmers. customer : waiter,theres a fly in my soup. waiter : thatall right,sir,he wont drink much. customer : waiter,theres a fly swimming in my soup. waiter ：so what do you expect me to do,call a lifeguard? customer : waiter,whats the meaning of this fly in my teacup? waiter : i wouldnt know,sir,im a waiter,not a fortune teller. i taught the teacher mother asked her lttle boy,”darling,what did the teacher teach you today?” “nothing,mum,”answered the son proudly,”instead,she asked me how much one plus two was,and i told her three.” i wasnt asleep when a group of women got on the car, every seat was already occupied. the conductor noticed a man who seemed to be asleep, and fearing he might miss his stop, he nudged him and said:” wake up, sir!” “i wasnt asleep, ”the man answered. “no