报纸文章评论英语写作.ppt

,The news: Filial tradition in China withering by Zhang Yuchen (China Daily) CUANGZHOU-A recent study of the elderly in parts of Guangzhou province , in southern China, has shown that the tradition of children supporting their aged parents is slowly fading away. The survey of nearly 1,3000 people aged 60 or above, living in urban areas, found that, more and more, the elderly are living by themselves and 62 percent of them live apart from their grown-up children.,Filial tradition in China withering,Let us have a look at the filial tradition in China. Chinese tradition, over the centuries, has been for people to have as many children as possible so that they can rely on them for support(认为这里重复了） when they get too old to care for themselves. But, a recent study of the elderly has shown that the tradition of children supporting their aged parents is slowly fading away. From my point of view, it is the adults responsibility to look after their aged parents physically and mentally, for parents nurtured them, educated them and gave （原为nurture educate give) them a great deal of love. However ,most of the young havent done their duty well.,The blue:原稿 the red:第二稿,On one hand ,some of the aged have to give financial (原为monetary) support to their adult children on a monthly basis or from time to time instead of getting monetary support from them ,which, I think ,may have a serious impact on the quality of the parents life in retirement. This phenomenon sounds amazing ,but it really exists(原为it is really an existing fact) .In my opinion, the reason why it happens is that the parents have given the children a comfortable life in which they can easily become dependent(原为and make them dependent). It is really a tragedy and reminds(原为recalls) me of a story about Bill Gates. He always packed his children off to live on their own just when they got 18, without giving them any penny(原为pence）. Although he is one of the richest man in the world, he never teaches his children to keep a slack hand. Neither do the Chinese parents.（原为so does the Chinese parent) They should not pamper the children. Of course, the adult should earn money by themselves since they have the ability to make a living.,On the other hand ,the senile(原为the elderly) havent gotten enough spiritual support from the young. With the changing social conditions now forcing more of the elderly to live apart from their grown-up children, they can just (原为the changinggrown-up children, because of this, they can just) expect a weekly visit from them ,even a visit once a month or only once a year. In this case, the majority of the greybeard(原为the elderly) join the group called “empty nesters”. Furthermore, some senior citizens(原为old people) are confronted with loneliness even though they live with their adult children. Above all, what they extremely long for is the spiritual support and it is really easy to be satisfied. The adult can communicate more with their aged parents and also it will be better if the elderly just speak directly with their children about their feelings and situations.,With the increasing number of the elderly, the relationship between the adult children and their aged parents is becoming a social problem which can not be ignored. So ,we should take pragmatic action to solve it. I think only in this way can our society become better and better.(原为can we have a bright future认为与前文不搭配）,COMMENTS: 华：个人猜测你的立意是“a social problem”，但却没有一个比较明确的中心论点，所以建议文章结构再明朗一些。另外，句子结构有些松散，可以进一步压缩。文章指代有些干涩，再修改一下。 青：文章词语重复太多，可以多一些替换，也在推敲下某些词语的用法。建议结尾最后一句再推敲一下。 甜：觉得用来评价新闻内容本身的篇幅长了些，个别词句也太重复，是