电影剧本 全民情敌 Hitch.doc

Hitch Basic principles:No woman wakes up saying:God, I hope I dont get swept off my feet today.Now, she might say, This is a really bad time for me. Or something like, I just need some space. Or my personal favorite:Im really into my career right now.You believe that? Neither does she.You know why?Because shes lying to you, thats why.You understand me? Lying.Its not a bad time for her.She doesnt need any space.She may be into her career.but what shes really saying is,Get away from me now. Or possibly, Try harder, stupid.Well, which one is it? % of all human communication is nonverbal.Body language.% is your tone. So that means that % of what youre saying.aint coming out of your mouth. Toby!Shit!Of course shell lie to you.Shes a nice person,she doesnt wanna hurt your feelings.What else is she gonna say?She doesnt even know you.Yet.Luckily, the fact isthat just like the rest of us.even a beautiful woman doesnt know what she wants until she sees it.And thats where I come in.My job is to open her eyes.Oh, my God!Is this what youre looking for?Basic principles: No matter what,no matter when, no matter who.any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet.Just needs the right broom.You cannot use what you do not have.So if youre shy, be shy.If youre outgoing, be outgoing.- Im not outgoing.- Thats okay.She may not want the whole truth,but she does want the real you.She may not want to see it all at once,but she does want to see it.So tonight, when youre wondering whatto say, how you look, or if she likes you.just remember, she is already out with you.That means she said yes when she could have said no.That means she made a plan when she could have just blown you off.So that means it is no longer your job to try to make her like you.It is your job not to mess it up.-The shoes are hot.You went to the place I told you?-Yeah, but I dont think theyre really me.-You is a very fluid concept right now.You bought the shoes.You look great in the shoes.Thats the you Im talking about.The key tonight is hang back.Give her plenty of space.If she lingers at a photograph, move on. But maintain the visual.Its supposed to be and clear tonight.So when you leave the club, walk a little.Ask her what she thought about the show. what was her favorite photograph,why that one.And when she answers,dont be looking at her mouth.Dont be wondering what she looks like naked.Listen to what she is saying and respond.Listen and respond.That way, when its your turn to talk.youll have something better to say than,I like your mouth.What was your favorite one?The elephant, definitely.And all of a sudden,were on date number two.Ready.No way.Were going back in there.You have to smile. In case you didnt go to high school,hitting is a good thing. So how does it happen, great love? Are you okay?- Nobody knows.- Im good.Let me get a Bomb Pop and a Screwball for the lady.But what I can tell you,is that it happens in the blink of an eye.One moment, youre enjoying your life.And the next, youre wondering how you ever lived without them.Three dates is all I need.Three dates, and Ill get you here,to the high-stakes medal round.where eight out of 10 women believe that the first kiss.will tell them everything they need to know about the relationship.After that, youre on your own.But always remember.life is not the amount of breaths you take.Its the moments that take your breath away.Did I call it or did I call it?I mean, what did I say, six months?And when was her first date?So five-and-a-half?God, I hate it when Im right.What is it about guys that makes them want to screw anything that walks.even when theyre going out with someone as awesome as Allegra Cole?Shes only the most fabulous thingwalking around New York.Thanks, Young.Are you kidding?Of course Im gonna run it.Why should she waste her heart on some Swedish aristo-brat? Even if he is gorgeous.If hes stupid enough to cheat.the world should knowhes dumb enough to get caught.Exactly. Im in the elevator.See you in a minute.Good morning, how are you?Bitter, party of one.You should try it sometime.Barbados by myself?I wouldnt last five minutes.It was just what the doctor ordered.I slept in, I did my yoga,I read a couple of books.flirted with my scuba instructor.- And apparently never left the office.- I know, isnt that great?You shouldve taken someone with you.Who am I gonna take with me?This is where a boyfriend comes in handy.- I dont have time for a boyfriend.- You said that two years ago.Yes, and its as true today as it was then.I thought you were on vacation.See if these are in focusand have them in my desk in an hour.Besides, relationships are for peoplewaiting for something better to come along.Spoken like a true cynic.Im not a cynic. Im a realist.You are a realist masquerading as a cynicwho is secretly an optimist.What are you doing here?What is she doing here?She works here, remember?No, she doesnt. Not for another four days.- This couldnt wait.- It could.What are you doing? Go back to the beach.- I dont want you here.- No, really, you do.You are becoming a sick, workaholic lunatic.and this is exactly.the kind of nervous, overwrought behavior that leads to.Pictures of Sebby with a busty brunette.A very big raise.Jesus. You could find dirt in a snowstorm.Comes with the job.You know, kiddo, there is more to lifethan watching other people live it.Can I help he was cheating on my beach?I think its great that youre so good at your job.Im just a little worried as to why.Let me worry about that.Okay. I want that column on my deskby lunch.So youll pay for my hotel?For you to sip mai tais?I dont think so. Get out.- Come on.- What?- Thats good, right?- No.No, it was in and it freaked out.You know what your problem is, Hitch?Youre all about the short game.You pick your shots based on what you see first.not whats necessarily best for you.in the long run.All of us are not married to the womanof our dreams and about to have a baby.You know, Im very happy for you.Just not meant for everybody.So please just leave me to my hot, sweaty.totally varied, wildly experimentalshort game.- I was talking about pool, but whatever.- Yeah, okay.Honestly, I just hope one day youre able to experience.the unconditional love, trust,and openness.that I share with Grace every single day.- Is this really barroom talk?- You need to listen to me. Im serious.Because when you get to a place with a woman like that.its so beyond anything physical that.when I think back to when I used to run around with you.and chase all these really gorgeous but shallow women.I dont know, its kind of ridiculous and vaguely pathetic.Yeah, I see what you mean. Thats pathetic.So, howd you meet him?I was in La Perla just buying some weekend thongs.- And he was doing likewise?- No.Actually, he said he was buying somethingfor his mom.His mom?Casey, who buys high-priced lingeriefor their mother?Well, maybe he was looking for a robe.Casey, he was hitting on you while he was buying lingerie for another woman.- I prefer the mother story.- I know you do, but thats not the point.No, the point is Im not gonna start out assuming the guys a liar.- Why not?- Because thats how you wind up.Like me? Is that what you were gonna say?No. I was gonna say, Like you.- Whats his name?- Why?- Im gonna Google him.- No. Google your own guy.Lets just see if his mothers still alive.- So when is Grace due again?- - Soon.- You excited?- Whatd you say?Do you want me to go get themand bring them over here?No, dont do that.Are you saying you dont wanna talk to them because you cant go home with them?Im just trying to keep my head above water.- Have you heard of the Date Doctor?- Urban myth.- Really?- Absolutely.I was hoping he also helped women.Casey, youre not sick. Youre single.You just have to relax and enjoy the ride.I havent been ridden in months.On that happy note, Im gonna go seeif anybody interesting came in tonight.- You mean, besides me.- Right.Bye.Ill go get those girls, bring them over here.and well have a conversation like human beings. Then youre gonna home,and Ill take them back to my apartment.Well, that sounds like fun for me.But you might want to get in line, pal.- Hey, girl.- Hey, how are you?Hey, baby, can I get a couple Coronasat the pool table, please? Thanks.-Excuse me.-Lime wedges in the bottles fine.-Hey, asshole, I dont work here.-Im sorry. The paramedics will have to cometo get my foot out of my mouth, sweetheart.Just dont let it happen again.- I knew you didnt work here.- You did?-How else was I supposed to get you awayfrom all those guys?-Why would you want to do that?Some guys naturally develop a comfortwith the opposite sex.They like women, women like them.Everything flows naturally.Back in college, I was just not one of them.I seemed to lack the basic understanding.that my peers just intuitively grasped.But like any late bloomer,I was eager to make up for lost time.Her name was Cressida Baylor.Can you tell me where the registration building is?And my life would never be the same.- Im Alex.- Cressida.What we had was beautiful.-I love you.I love you so much.-I love you, too, Alex.I know you dont love me as much as I love you.But thats okay.Im just glad you love me at all.In retrospect,I guess I may have come on a little strong.But the experience taught me a lot.Cressida!What are you doing?Im sorry, Alex.But I love you. What did I do wrong?Just tell me what I did wrong.Youre doing it right now.Alex, Im sorry.And its an education I feel obliged to pass on to my fellow men.Because with no guile and no game,theres no girl.If ever a man born was without game.it was Albert Brennaman.My business is % referral and, thus far, untraceable.And if theres one thing Ive learned.when you orchestrate, coordinate,and otherwise mess with fate.its best to fly under the radar.I hope shes single cause I dont do break-ups.Hi.Thank you for seeing me.Yeah, no.I mean, she just got out of a relationship.Is that a problem? Because if it is, thats fine. Im a little uncomfortable with this anyway. Definitely been hurt a lot .I had a lot of bad experiences.Some good ones.But definitely a lot of bad ones.Im desperate, basically.I mean, not in general, you understand?You know, not just for anybody.But, man, for her. Yeah.Why dont you tell me about her?Lets see, what can I say? My company handles her finances. Im her tax consultant. Well, Im one of them. Im the junior man on the account.- So does she know youre interested?- No.Alive?I lent her my pen once.Shoot. Does anyone have a pen?- Here, take mine.- Albert, youre crushing my arm.Sorry about that. Here you go, Allegra.Allegra? As in Allegra Cole? Yeah, I realize that Im not her usual type. Well, her last boyfriend owned Swedenor something.And that guy was a bum.He didnt seem like a very nice person to me.You swing for the fence.Look, you dont think I tried talking myself out of this? I mean, you dont think I know how ridiculous this is? I know, okay? I just thought that maybe with your help.You know what? Im really sorry I wasted your time.Hold on a second, Albert.You know what its like getting up every morning feeling hopeless? Feeling like the love of your life is waking up with the wrong man? But at the same time, hoping that she still finds happiness.even if its never gonna be with you?You are flat-out.out of your mind. You know that? Thats good.It is?You ever heard of Michelangelo?Heard of the Sistine Chapel?Michelangelo.Sistine Chapel.You saying you can do this?My name is Alex Hitchens. Lets go paint that ceiling.Take it easy.Oh, my God!Well, it looks like Im still rich.But what I would really like,and what I was wondering is. if I could have $ to invest on my own.And what were you thinkingof investing in, Allegra?Well, its somethingthat I really have a passion for.Daydreams are for private time.When youre in the room, be in the room.Concentrate. Focus.Women respond when you respond to them.My friend Maggie is a talented designer.Ive seen the business plan and the samples look fantastic.And I would really like to get involved.Ill tell you what.Let us come up with a range of investments that we think you might be interested in.and next month,well run the whole lot of them by you.Okay.Fine. Thank you. All right, gentlemen.Lets go over this one more time.What is the objective?Shock and awe.That was shockingly awful.What is the objective?Shock and awe.What is the objective?- Excuse me, sir.- Yes, Albert?I dont really agree with that.You dont really agree with what?I think if you want to invest $ in your friends business.thats exactly what you should do.You dont need us to tell you what to do. Were a board of advisers,not your kindergarten teachers. If you want to be taken seriously as an adult.then start taking yourself seriously as an adult.instead of asking for permissionto invest your own money.from a boardroomfull of your daddys golf buddies.- Thats quite enough!- Im not finished.Id like to see anybody in this roomhandle the attention and publicity.that shes had to deal with her whole life,with half her class.We should be taking advice from you,Miss Cole. Not the other way around.- Sit down.- No! You know what? I quit! Oh, my God.Just breathe. Howd it go?I yelled at her. I screamed at my boss!I quit my job!- What?- You said.- I gotta go back.- No, I didnt tell you to quit.Relax. Okay, listen, were fine.- Would you let me go?- Albert, no! Just relax! Okay?- Just let it marinate for a second. Trust me.- No!Relax.- Its Allegra Cole.- Answer it.- Could I speak to you a second?- Answer the door, Albert.Yes. Hi.Whats up?Listen, Albert, right?- People dont usually talk to me like that.- Close your mouth, man.Let me rephrase that.People never talk to me like that.Stand up.I guess its kind of scary for them.But thats why I really appreciate what you did in there.But I was wondering.do you think that you and I could get together sometime this week?You know, to go over things.Financial things.Id like to see the areas where I can afford to take some risks.- Check your schedule.- Ill check my schedule.Great. Let me give you my number.Do you have a pen?I dont think I have one.- Yes, I do.- Great.And call me Allegra.- Youre done.- Goodbye.Good job.Oh, damn.Shes some kind of newspaper columnist.Comes in here once in a while. Great tipper.Whats her drink?Usually beer.Tonight, Grey Goose martini, dirty.Hi.I noticed your glass was getting low.so I took the liberty of bringing you another apple martini.Thank you.And I couldnt help but notice you look a lot like my next girlfriend.- Whats your name?- They call me Chip.You cant get them to stop?That was funny.Listen, I understand the courage it takesto walk across a room.and try to generate a relationship out of thin air.- So dont take the following personally.- You have fantastic eyes.Thanks. Try to listen. This is no reflection on you. Im just not interested. But thank you for the compliment of coming over.Youre welcome.So do you like Cuban food?Chip, seriously, that was not code for,I wish youd try harder.Are you always so shut-down and afraid that the right man might make you.Feel like a natural woman?Sorry Im late, honey.I couldnt get a cab. How was the meeting?Well, there was a beginning,a middle, and an end. Nice to meet you, Chip.You,too.On the one hand, it is very difficult for a man.to even speak to someone who looks like you. But on the other hand, should that be your problem?So lifes kind of hard all around.Not if you pay attention. Youre sending all the right signals: no earrings, heels under two inches, your hair is pulled back.wearing reading glasses with no book,drinking a Grey Goose martini.which means you had a hell of a weekend a beer just wouldnt do it.If that wasnt clear enough.theres always the fuck off that you have stamped on your forehead.Whod believe theres a man out there that can sit by a woman he doesnt know.and genuinely be interested in who she is,what she does, without his own agenda?I wouldnt even knowwhat that would look like.So what would a guy like that say?Hed say, My name is Alex Hitchens and Im a consultant.But she wouldnt be interested in that.because shed be counting the secondsuntil he left.Thinking he was like every other guy.Which, life experience has taught her,is a virtual certainty. But then hed ask her name and what she did for a living.and she might blow him off.Or she might say.Im Sara Melas.I run the gossip column at the Standard. And then hed ask all these penetrating questions about her.because he was sincerely, if atypically, interested.No.- No?- Hed be interested.But hed see that there was no way.he could possibly make her realize that he was for real.Well, he could be funny and charmingand refreshingly original.Wouldnt help.- Dont you hate it when that happens?- Not really.Theyd both probably go onto lead the lives they were headed toward.My guess is theyd do just fine.Its a pleasure to have met