越帮越忙：合理利用他人的善意.doc

When helping isnt helping: Making the most of others good intentionsKelly runs a tight ship at home. Shes organized (okay maybe some folks would say a little bit obsessive) but when her mother offered to come down and help after her baby was born, Kelly jumped at her offer. Now its a couple of days post-mom and Kelly is about to scream. Her mom washed and dried her new expensive blouse that is meant to be only handwashed and never ever put in a dryer now it would barely fit a 4 year old. And then she apparently overwatered the plants and left a huge water stain on one of the dressers. And she still hasnt been able to find the blender even though she tore the kitchen apart looking for it and her mom cant remember seeing it. Did I say she was about the scream?This is one of those situations where good intentions cross with unspoken expectations. Kelly knows in her rational mind that her mom was just trying to help. Her mom didnt know the nuances of the household, she was in a different environment, there were different rules (like the blouse) and standards that her mom was clueless about. Kelly doesnt want to call up her mom and scold her, but she is reluctant to let her move off the couch the next time she visits.Obviously there is a communication problem here (or lack of) but also something else. Part of Kellys upset is about her and her coping style. She leans on control to manage her anxiety she knows where things go, follows her own routines, stays obsessed.uh, organized. When things are going to plan, everything is fine. Even with enough notice of changes to come she can adjust. But when the plan (that usually stays only inside her head) gets thrown off unexpectedly, her anxiety goes up and it usually comes out as irritation and control.And theres another problem as well a tension created within Kelly by the nature of having someone, even if it is her mom, helping in her house. Part of the tension comes from Kelly, on one hand, wanting and needing help, but on the other, wanting to give an appearance that things are still pretty much in control, that her house still presents well, that she really normally doesnt need help even though she is acknowledging that she does.The other source of tension is that even though Kelly knows her mom is openly and voluntarily coming to do what needs to get done, Kelly still would like her mom to also be able to feel like a guest in her home. Wanting both seems like a conflict of roles worker, guest which Kelly mentally and emotionally has a hard time reconciling.What to do? Some tips to make the best use of helping hands:Decide if you really want help. Kelly may say yes to her mothers offer to help, but deep down in her heart she knows it would be easier for her to just ask her husband to take some time off work. Her yes is to avoid hurting her mothers feelings. She is afraid her mother will feel left out of the start of a new chapter in her life, or that she will feel unappreciated. Kelly feels obligated to accept.Kelly needs to not go on auto-pilot or fall into good-daughter mode and instead decide what she wants. If she rather her mother stay home, she can say that Part A and then follow up by being sensitive to her moms possible reactions Part B. She may something like “I really appreciate your kind offer, mom, and I hope you dont feel left out, but right now I think I just need some nesting time with Tom (her husband) and the baby.” By acknowledging how her mother might feel and by explaining her intentions, her mom wont misinterpret her response and will be less likely to feel dismissed.Decide what help you need. Kellys mom is doing her best to be helpful and so without guidance gravitates towards what she notices, what she would likely focus on in her own family and home. To both help her mom do what is most needed and help give Kelly some sense of control, Kelly can assign her mom tasks. These need to be concrete and clear: Can you wash the sheets, can you buy these items on this shopping list at the grocery store down the street, can you put the dishes in the dishwasher. Saying “Please do the laundry” “go to the store” “clean up the kitchen” is too vague and subject to misinterpretation and potential dire consequences there goes the blouse).Let the helper know what not to do at the start. This is where Kelly talks about the blouse (or better yet hides it under bed so its safe from her mom). This is where you talk about quirky appliances dont jiggle the handle on the toilet because it will. and taboos dont wash my daughters blanket no matter how gross it looks, dont water the cactus, dont leave the closet door open becauseits just a me thing but its one of those things that can easily drive me crazy. But keep these to a minimum 3, 4 big items. Too many and the helper begins to feel excessively micromanaged or seen as incompetent, and feels like she is being treated like a child.Give plenty of compliments. Reward the troops. Even if your eyes instinctively zero in on all the faults that they dont seem to see, praise the effort and intention, not the outcome. Loading up on the positives helps move the dial more towards guest and less like Cinderella and slave. And by pointing out whats good, rather than bad, you can positively help shape the others behavior.Try to lighten up. Its easy to get territorial in your own space. Again think of the intention. Think of it as going to a hotel where everything isnt absolutely exactly right in the room, but you dont rant at the desk clerk for every little thing, even if you are paying for it. If you find thats tough to do, its usually about your level of stress and anxiety. Address it directly rant to your partner, ask for a hug, go for a walk around the block, go grocery shopping yourself to get out of the house. Dont be a martyr but dont be a drill sergeant either. Try for a stance somewhere in the middle. Think of this experience as temporary and generous. 2012 网易公司 京ICP证080268号越帮越忙：合理利用他人的善意凯利对料理家务要求很严格，做事井井有条（好吧，或许有些人会说成有点强迫症）。但在凯利生下孩子后，她的妈妈提出过来帮帮她，她却欣然接受了。可是没过几天，凯利和她妈妈两人都快崩溃了。凯利有件很贵的衬衫，只能手洗而且不能甩干，可她妈妈用洗衣机洗后，还甩干了。结果这衬衫严重缩水，可能4岁孩子才能穿得下。另外，她妈妈明显给植物浇了太多水，还在一条裙子上留下很大一块污渍。她刚绞完鸡肉，就找不到搅拌机，也不记得看没看过搅拌机。所以我说她快崩溃了？这只是好意和内心的期望相悖的情况之一。凯利理智上知道她妈妈只是想帮助她。但她妈妈不清楚家务上的细微区别，她在不同的环境里，这里的规矩和标准不一样（比如那件衬衫），而她妈妈对此一无所知。凯利不想提醒她妈或责备她妈，但等她妈下次再来的时候她会不情愿的请她离开这里。显然，这是沟通问题（或缺乏沟通），但也有其它问题。凯利的烦躁部分是来源于她自己和她的应对方式。她通常依靠控制来管理焦虑她事情的发展，一切遵照自己的程序办事，保持满意噢，保持井然有序。当事情按照计划进行，一切都好，就算发生一些明显的变化，也可以调整过来。但如果计划（通常只存在于她的脑中）意外地偏离，焦虑就会增加，结果就变得很恼怒，不得不控制自己的情绪。另外还有一个问题有人帮忙打理房屋，即使那人是自己的妈妈，凯利却本能地制造出紧张关系。这种关系的来源是凯利一方面想要得到帮助和需要帮助；另一方却希望事情还是在掌控中，她的房子一起都好，她也不需要别人的帮忙（尽管她知道她需要）。紧张关系的另一个来源是尽管凯莉知道她妈妈直率地并且自告奋勇地来打理家里需要打理的事物，但她仍然希望她妈妈可以觉得自己只是这个房子的客人。这两者之间似乎种角色矛盾工人、客人凯莉心理和情感上很难使这两者达到平衡。那么我们该怎么做呢？下面就是有关如何充分利用援助之手的一些小建议：确定自己是否真的需要帮助。 凯莉或许对她妈妈提出的帮助表示接受，但在她的内心深处，她知道让她丈夫挪出一些工作时间帮她忙可能要简单些。她接受妈妈的帮助是只是不想伤害她妈妈的一片好意。她怕妈妈会觉得在女儿生命的新篇章刚开始就被忽略或觉得不被诊视。因此她觉得自己有责任对此表示接受。凯利需要停止自动驾驶模式或好女儿模式，确定自己需要什么。如果她比较想让她妈妈别来帮忙，她可以说出来A部分然后再小心应对她妈妈的可能反应B部分。她可以这样说：“妈妈，我真的很感激你好心的提议，但是现在我想和汤姆（她丈夫）和孩子有些