好汉两个半第一季02.doc

Charlie is sat at the piano. Jake is standing beside him, drinking from a juice box. Charlie: Lets see, what else? Oh, okay. Heres one of the first things your Uncle Charlie wrote. Plays and sings Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Huh? What do you think? Jake: Must have been before my time. Charlie: Okay, were done here. They get up. Hey, hey, dont leave your juice box on the piano, it leaves a ring. Jake: picks up the box How could a box leave a ring? Alan: Got to run to the grocery store, Im gonna need somebody to fold these clothes. Charlie: I dont know if the grocery store is the first place Id go for that, but good luck. Alan: to Jake Oh, oh, remember, youre being punished. So, no TV, no computer, no GameBoy. Charlie? I need you to be my eyes and ears. Charlie: Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate. Jake pulls a red bra out of the laundry basket. Jake: Woah, whos is this? Alan: Uh, Charlie, you want to field that one? Charlie: No problem. Jake, sometimes when you have a casual sexual relationship? pAlan: Alright, alright. Jake, we take in strangers?laundry because were poor. Ill be back in an hour. Start folding. No TV. He exits. Charlie tucks the bra away in his shorts pocket. They start folding. Charlie: Whatd you get busted for? Jake: I painted my room at Moms house. Charlie: Whats wrong with that? Jake: shrugs Im 10 years old. Charlie: Hey?throws a balled up sock in the air. How about a little sock golf? Jake: Whats that? Charlie: Okay, heres how it works. The living room is a dogleg par four. That means you have to get your sock into the kitchen sink in four strokes or less. Jake: Okay. Charlie: Well play for a quarter a hole. Your handicaps obvious. Youre short and youve never heard of the Ninja Turtles. Alright, keep your knees bent, your arms straight, and swing easy. Jake holds the sock ball in one hand, swings the other hand behind him and bats it across the room. It lands in the kitchen. Charlie: Oh man, Im being hustled. Jake: We can play for less if you want.Charlie: Dont get cocky. Theres 17 more holes. He bats his sock. - Charlie and Jake are stood at the top of the stairs, staring down at a waste paper basket on top of the coffee table. Charlie is pretending to be a commentator with a British accent. Charlie: British The 18th hole. All square. The defending champion looks to have an easy tap-in for a birdie as the gallery waits breathlessly for the rookie to respond. Jake: Would you please stop talking? Charlie: British Tempers flare as the pressure mounts. Jake bats his sock and it goes straight into the basket. They look at each other then race down the stairs. Jake: Yea! Charlie: British Its unbelievable! An eagle on the 18th. This has never happened before in the history of sock golf. Alan enters carrying brown shopping bags. Alan: A little help here? Charlie: British Fans are coming out of the gallery with sacks of groceries for the young phenom. Alan: Whats going on? Jake: I won. I beat Uncle Charlie. Alan: Excuse me? Didnt I ask you to fold the laundry? Charlie: British Laundry? Are you barking mad? The child just won the coveted?pulls a bottle out of Alans shopping bags Palmolive cup. Throws the bottle to Jake. Jake: Chants and dances away I won. You lose. I won. You lose. Alan: Charlie, when I ask Jake to do something I need you to help me make sure that he does it. Im trying to teach him responsibility. Picks up the sock from the basket This sock is soaking wet. Charlie: Yea, I chipped into the water hazard on the ninth and the lid was open. Alan: So, this is toilet water? Charlie: At least. Alan drops the sock in disgust. - Charlie is sitting on the sofa, watching TV. Alan enters. Alan: Alright. I put Jake to bed, I folded the laundry, I put the groceries away?pCharlie: The guilt thing doesnt work on me, Alan. Alan: Yea, well, its all I got. Ill be back in a little while. Charlie: Where you going? Alan: I have to bring the garbage cans back in. Charlie: Today wasnt garbage day. Alan: Oh no, not here. At Judiths. Charlie: At Judiths? Alan, your wife threw you out. Alan: Yea well, that doesnt mean she doesnt need me. Charlie: Yea, it kinda does. Alan: Well, look, were still married. Its still my house and she still counts on me to do a few chores. Its good, it leaves the door open for, you know, reconciliation. Charlie: I see. So, how do you lift those garbage cans without a spine? Alan: looks mad Theyre on wheels. Alan exits and Charlie goes back to watching the television. Jake peers round the corner. Jake: What are you watching? Charlie: Im watching a movie and youre not supposed to be watching anything. Jake: Oh yea. Is that guy a good guy or a bad guy? Charlie: Good guy. And youre not supposed to be watching TV. Jake: I know. Comes into the room a little bit more Is that his girlfriend? Charlie: Ex-girlfriend. Jake: But he still loves her, right? Charlie: Im not gonna walk you through the whole movie?I think so. Go to bed, Jake. Jake: Okay. Cut to: Later. Jake is now perched on the arm of the sofa, watching the movie. Charlie: Whos that guy? Jake: Thats the guy he was in jail with and told him where the money was hidden. Charlie: Oh right. Hey, youre being punished. No TV. Jake: I know. Cut to: Later. Jake is now sitting next to Charlie on the sofa, and they are sharing a bowl of popcorn. Alan enters. Alan: What the hell is going on? Jake/Charlie: Shh. Alan: Jake? Jake: Night. Jake runs off to bed. Alan storms in and switches off the TV. Charlie: Hey, Im watching that. Alan: What part of no TV?didnt you understand? Charlie: Im allowed to watch TV. Alan: I mean Jake. Charlie: I said no TV? he said Okay? I said go to bed? he said Okay? Whatd you want from me? Alan: Charlie, hes taking advantage of you because he knows you wont follow through. Charlie: Well, he obviously knows me better than you do. Alan: Okay, look, if this is going to work out with Jake living here part time, you have to be an adult. You have to impose discipline. Charlie: Yea, fine, whatever. Give me back the remote. Alan: No, no, no. Youre not listening to me. You need to be firm. Charlie: Okay. puts the popcorn down, and in a serious voice Go to your room. Alan: Yes, like that. Charlie: I mean it. Give me the remote and go to your room. Alan: Thats very funny. Ha ha. Charlie: Im serious. Get out of here or I will kick your ass. He stands up and Alan runs out of the way. - The piano has a juice box on it. Charlie comes down the stairs and sees it. Charlie: Oh man. He picks up the box and polishes the piano with his shirt. As he is walking to the kitchen, he notices the door to the deck is open. There are three seagulls perched on the balcony. Charlie: Shoo. The birds do not move. Charlie makes a sudden movement to scare them. It does not work. He backs inside and shuts the door. He goes to the next room. Jake is sitting on the sofa, watching cartoons. Charlie: Jake. Jake ignores him. Louder. Jake. Jake: jumps and switches off the TV. It was on when I came in. Charlie: Yea, right. What did I tell you about leaving juice boxes on my piano? Jake: How do you know its mine? Charlie: Come on, who else around here drinks Transylvania Goofy Juice? Jake: Good point. Charlie: And another thing. Were you on the deck feeding the seagulls again? Jake: Sorry, I forgot. Charlie: Okay, we need to talk. Jake: Love you, Uncle Charlie. Charlie: Look, we dont feed the seagulls because you cant get rid of them. We dont leave the doors and windows open because we get all kinds of bugs and crap flying in the house. Jake: Okay. Charlie: No, no, no, dont just say Okay? This is not the grownup telling the kid what to do. This is just two guys agreeing how to live together. Are we cool? Jake: Yea, cool. They bang fists. Alan enters. Alan: Hey. Suspicious Whats going on? Charlie: Nothing. Alan: Was he watching TV? Charlie: No. winks at Jake Alan: Jake, I have to run a quick errand. So, why dont you wash and dress and when I get back well do something fun. Jake: Can we watch TV? Alan: Go! Jake goes upstairs. Alan turns to leave. Charlie: Where are you off to? Alan: Uh, the, uh, the, uh, grocery store. Charlie: Youre going to Judiths, arent you? Alan: No. Charlie: Then where are you going? Alan: Judiths. Charlie: Oh, Alan. Alan: I have to. I have to. The, the, the timer on the sprinkler system is broken and the flower beds are getting flooded, and I love her and I want her back. Charlie: Buddy, I feel for you. Alan: Thank you.Charlie: Unfortunately, the feeling is nausea. Alan: Great, great, Ill see you later. Charlie: Alan, youve been making the same mistake your whole life. Being the good boy, fixing everything so everybody would love you. It didnt work with Mom. It didnt work with either of the women you went out with. And its not gonna work with your wife. Alan: Charlie, you know nothing about commitment and responsibility to a relationship. Charlie: Granted. But I do know when a womans using me. And by that I mean, not in a fun way. Alan: Well, you can rest easy because no one is using me. He exits. A few seconds later, he is back. And did you mean I only dated two women including Judith? Because?because if you did, I have two words for you: Maxine Chernakoff. He leaves again, this time slamming the door. Charlie turns around and a seagull flies onto the kitchen table. He yelps. - Alan is fixing the sprinkler system. He is soaking wet. Judith approaches. Judith: Did you fix it? Alan: Not quite. Judith: It doesnt seem like youre changing anything. Alan: No? Well, sometimes change happens, Judith, and you cant see it. He gets squirted with water. Judith: Okay, fine, when youre done fixing this would you come inside and take a look at the garbage disposal? Alan: Sure. Judith: Thank you. Alan: Wait, no. He gets squirted with water again. Judith: What? Alan: No, I wont come inside and look at the garbage disposal. Judith: Why not? Alan: Gets wet again. I know when Im being used, Judith, and not in a fun way. Judith: What are you talking about? Alan: Who are we kidding? The marriage is over. Youre just afraid to move on so you keep dragging me over here, and Im afraid to move on so I keep coming. He gets squirted again. Goodbye Judith, youre free. I hope you find whatever it is youre looking for. Judith steps forward and kisses him. They both get wet this time, but dont seem to notice. - Charlie is playing the piano. Jake comes out of the kitchen, holding a bread bag. He tries to walk casually past Charlie. Charlie: Jake? What you got there? Jake: Just a little bread. Charlie: Please tell me youre not feeding the seagulls again. A bird screeches from inside the house. Jake: Okay. Charlie gets up and goes to Jakes bedroom. Charlie: Oh man, did you let another one of those big, flappy bastards in the house? Jake: You have to put a dollar in the swear jar, you said Bastards? Charlie: Smart, poke the bear. Im telling you Jake, this is the last time?He opens up the bedroom door and is confronted with dozens of birds, all over the bed and the room. Yikes. - Charlie is dialling the phone. Jake stands behind him. Jake: Im really sorry, Uncle Charlie. Charlie: I dont want to talk to you right now. on phone Hello, do you have a department of animal control or bird abatement? I have a seagull problem. Seagull. Thank you, Ill hold. Jake: I didnt know thered be so many. Charlie: holds the phone away I told you, dont feed the damn things. I told you, dont leave the windows open. on phone Yea, hi. Er, whos this? Phyllis Siegal. No, no, Phyllis, I wanted to talk to somebody about seagulls. I got a flock of seagulls in my house. No, I dont know whatever happened to them. Jake: Im really sorry. Charlie: to Jake We had an agreement, Jake, and you broke it. on phone Look, I need somebody who can come over with a net or something. Sure, Ill hold. Hello? Whos this? Annette. Look, I got a room filled with seagulls and?no, no, no?Hi, Phyllis. Alan enters. He is very happy, almost bouncing. Alan: Hey. Charlie: Goodbye Phyllis. hangs up Alan: Good news. Charlie: Really? Come tell me in Jakes room. Alan: What did he do? He didnt paint anything, did he? Charlie: I want you to be surprised. leads Alan to Jakes room Alan: You will never guess what happened while I was at Judiths. Charlie: Neither will you. Opens the bedroom door and pushes Alan inside. Alan: Oh my God! Charlie: holding the door shut So, whats your good news? Alan: bangs on the door Open the door! Charlie: Your kid got them in there, you get them out. Alan: Open?the?door! - Later. Alan is at the kitchen sink, picking feathers out of his hair. Charlie enters. Alan: That was not funny, Charlie. Charlie: Depends on what side of the door you were on. Alan: Look, Im really sorry about the birds, but Im sure theyll leave as soon as they get hungry. Charlie: Thats what I thought about you. Alan: Well, you know what? Jake and I may be out of here sooner than you think. Charlie: What do you mean? Alan: At Judiths, there was kissing. Mutual kissing. Unprompted, but reciprocated by yours truly. Charlie: Wow. And was it as boring as it sounds? Alan: Charlie, Charlie, she kissed me. And this was not the kiss of a woman who just wanted her garbage disposal unclogged. Charlie: Well, you know her plumbing better than I do. Alan: You know what Im gonna do? Im gonna let her come to me. You know, be detached, play it cool, you know? Charlie: Yea, thats your home run swing. Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie, you wanna play some sock golf? Charlie: No, thanks. picks his keys up off the table Jake: Where you going?Charlie: Im going for a drive. Jake: Can I come? Charlie: Nope. leaves Jake: to Alan I dont think Uncle Charlie likes me anymore. Alan: Dont be silly. Hes just a little upset about the 30, 40 screaming, crapping birds in his house. Why dont you, uh, why dont you write him a note and tell him how sorry you are. Jake: Okay. exits Alan: calls after him Dont worry! Hell come around. to himself Sooner or later, everybody comes around. You just have to give them a little time and a little space. picks up the phone and dials Hello, Judith? - Charlie puts a bucket on the table. Alan enters and sniffs. Alan: Whats in the bucket? Charlie: Chum. Alan: What? Charlie: Bait. I went down to the bait shop and asked them what seagulls like to eat. Alan: Were keeping them? Charlie: No, were gonna throw the bait out the window to lure the birds out of the house. Alan: Oh, thats pretty clever. Charlie: Yea, its a variation on something I do with women and tennis bracelets. Charlie puts on a big yellow, waterproof, fishermans jacket. Jake enters carrying a card. Jake: Hey, Uncle Charlie, I made this for you. Charlie: takes the card, looks at it, throws it on the table Thanks. Jake: I made it myself. Charlie: I see that. Jake: What are you doing? Charlie: Im getting rid of the birds. Jake: Can I help? Charlie: Nope. Alan: Er, Jake, why dont you go out and play on the deck, okay? Jake: sad Okay. Goes outside Alan: What is wrong with you? He worked really hard on that card. You barely looked at it. Charlie: What do you want from me, Alan? Alan: Hes dying for you to forgive him. Charlie: Fine. I forgive him. Now, are you gonna help me or not? I got a serious problem here. puts on some goggles Alan: Really? Cos you look like you have it all together. Cut to: Alan and Charlie approach the bedroom. Charlie: Okay, heres the deal. We go in there and start throwing this stuff out the windows. When the last birds out, we close the window and get on with our lives. You ready? Alan: Sure. Charlie opens the door and they go in. Alan: You know, if they love this bait so much, why would they even wait for you to?pThe birds go crazy. Charlie and Alan scream and run back outside, slamming the door behind them. Charlie: Its almost like somebody tipped them off. Alan: You got any other bright ideas? Charlie: Yea. Im gonna get a drywall guy in there and seal off that room. Alan: Very funny. Charlie: Im not kidding. That room is dead to me. They head back to the main room Either that or sell the house. Ill put it on the market as a two bedroom plus aviary. Everybody loves an aviary. Alan: looking outside What about Jake? Jake is sitting on one of the chairs looking depressed Are you gonna put him on the market or just wall him off? Charlie: I tried with that kid, Alan. He says one thing and then he goes and does another. Alan: Hes 10! Hes got the attention span of a hummingbird. Charlie: Well then, what am I supposed to do when he ignores me? Alan: You punish him. You take away his computer, his TV, his toys. Charlie: Well, you already took away all the good stuff. What am I supposed to take away? His bronchial inhaler? Alan: You know what Im saying Charlie. You just, you dont take away your love. Charlie looks at Jake and