绝望的主妇S01E01全文对话.doc

00:14.80My name is Mary Alice Young.00:17.39When you read this mornings paper, you may come across an article00:20.81about the unusual day I had last week.00:23.98Normally, theres never anything newsworthy about my life,00:27.69but that all changed last thursday.00:30.78Of course, everything seemed quite normal at first.00:34.61I made breakfast for my family.00:38.28I performed my chores.00:41.79I completed my projects.00:45.71I ran my errands.00:48.38In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day -00:52.71quietly polishing the routine of my life until it gleamed with perfection.01:01.39Thats why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet01:06.81and retrieve a revolver that had never been used.01:15.40My body was discovered by my neighbor mrs. Martha Huber,01:19.99who had been startled by a strange popping sound.01:23.58Her curiosity aroused,01:25.50mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced.01:32.30After some initial hesitation,01:34.80she decided to return the blender she had borrowed from me six months before.02:01.91Its my neighbor. I think shes been shot.02:04.29Theres blood everywhere.02:06.00Yes. Youve got to send an ambulance. Youve got to send one right now.02:15.88And for a moment,02:17.09mrs. Huber stood motionless in her kitchen,02:19.89grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy.02:23.68But only for a moment.02:25.81If there was one thing mrs. Huber was known for,02:29.19it was her ability to look on the bright side.02:38.99I was laid to rest on a monday.02:41.70After the funeral, all the residents of wisteria lane came to pay their respects.02:48.08And, as people do in these situations, they brought food.02:51.88Lynette Scavo brought fried chicken.02:54.88Lynette had a great family recipe for fried chicken.02:58.09Of course, she didnt cook much while she was moving up the corporate ladder.03:01.59She didnt have the time.03:03.39But when her doctor announced Lynette was pregnant,03:05.68her husband Tom had an idea.03:08.10Why not quit your job?03:09.69Kids do better with stay-at-home moms. It would be so much less stressful.03:14.61But this was not the case.03:16.48In fact, Lynettes life had become so hectic,03:19.61she was now forced to get her fried chicken from a fast-food restaurant.03:23.91Lynette would have appreciated the irony if she stopped to think about it,03:27.58but she couldnt. She didnt have the time.03:30.41- Stop it ! - But, mom!03:32.00No,03:32.71you are going to behave today.03:34.88I am not going to be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood.03:38.09And just so you know how serious I am.03:40.72whats that?03:42.09Santas cell phone number.03:44.18Howd you get that?03:46.01I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf,03:48.89and if any of you acts up, so help me, I will call Santa,03:52.48and I will tell him you want socks for Christmas.03:55.90You willing to risk that?03:59.99Okay. Lets get this over with.04:06.99Gabrielle Solis, who lives down the block,04:09.49brought a spicy paella.04:13.00Since her modeling days in New York,04:14.88Gabrielle had developed a taste for rich food.04:19.09and rich men.04:22.30Carlos, who worked in mergersnd acquisitions,04:24.51proposed on their third date.04:27.39Gabrielle was touched when tears welled up in his eyes,04:30.10but she soon discovered this happened04:32.81every time Carlos closed the big deal.04:35.19Gabrielle liked her paella piping hot.04:37.90However, her relationship with her husband was considerably cooler.04:42.49If you talk to Al Mason at this thing,04:44.61I want you to casually mention how much I paid for your necklace.04:47.49He let me know how much he paid for his wifes new convertible.04:49.58Why dont I just pin the receipt to my chest?04:51.70Look, just work it into the conversation.04:52.91Theres no way I can just work that in, Carlos.04:54.58Why not?04:56.21At the Donoghue party, everyone was talking mutual funds,04:59.00and you found a way to mention you slept with half the Yankee outfield.05:02.01Im telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation.05:04.88Hey, people are starting to stare. Can you keep your voice down, please?05:07.68Absolutely. We wouldnt want them to think were not happy.05:11.31Bree van de Kamp, who lives next door,05:13.81brought baskets of muffins she baked from scratch.05:16.98Bree was known for her cooking,05:19.19and for making her own clothes,05:22.11and for doing her own gardening,05:24.90and for reupholstering her own furniture.05:28.78Yes, Brees many talents were known throughout the neighborhood,05:32.08and everyone on Wisteria lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother.05:37.00Everyone, that is, except her own family.05:43.51Paul. Zachary.05:46.01Hello, mrs. Van De Kamp.05:47.59Bree, you shouldnt have gone to all this trouble.05:49.51It was no trouble at all.05:50.80Now, the basket with the red ribbon is filled with desserts for your guests,05:53.89but the one with the blue ribbon is just for you and Zachary.05:57.10Its got rolls, muffins, breakfast-type things.05:59.98Thank you.06:01.11Well, the least I could do is06:02.11make sure you boys had a decent meal to look forward to in the morning.06:05.78I know youre out of your minds with grief.06:08.61Yes, we are.06:12.08Of course, I will need the baskets back once youre done.06:16.08Of course.06:21.59Susan Mayer, who lives across the street,06:23.88brought macaroni and cheese.06:26.09Her husband Carl always teased her about her macaroni,06:29.01saying it was the only thing she knew how to cook,06:31.30and she rarely made it well.06:34.52It was too salty the night she and Carl moved into their house.06:38.69It was too watery the night she found lipstick on Carls shirt.06:43.19She burned it the night carl told her he was leaving her for his secretary.06:55.70A year had passed since the divorce.06:57.79Susan had started to think how nice it would be to have a man in her life,07:01.79even one who would make fun of her cooking.07:04.29Mom. why would someone kill themselves?07:10.68Well. sometimes people are so unhappy,07:12.18they think thats the only way they can solve their problems.07:15.31But mrs. Young always seemed happy.07:17.18Yeah, sometimes people pretend to be one way on the outside when theyre totally different on the inside.07:22.60Oh, you mean like how dads girlfriend always smiling and says nice things,07:25.48but deep down, you just know shes a bitch?07:27.28I dont like that word, Julie.07:29.19But, yeah, thats a great example.07:46.88Hey, whats going on? Sorry Im late.07:48.21Hi, susan.08:11.70Hey. So, what did Carl say when you confronted him?08:13.91Youll love this. He said.08:16.41it doesnt mean anything. It was just sex.08:19.70Ah, yes, page one of the philanderers handbook.08:21.71Yeah, and then he got this zen look on his face, and he said, you know, Susan,08:24.88most men live lives of quiet desperation.08:27.88Please tell me you punched him.08:28.88No, I said, really? And what do most women lead08:31.38lives of noisy fulfillment?08:33.30Hmm. Good for you.08:34.51I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for brunch.08:38.39Its like my grandmother always said - an erect penis doesnt have a conscience.08:41.48Even the limp ones arent that ethical.08:44.10This is half the reason I joined the NRA.08:45.98Well, when Rex started going to those medical conferences,08:48.48I wanted it in the back of his mind that he had a loving wife at home08:51.78with a loaded Smith & Wesson.08:54.20Lynnie, Toms always away on business. Do you ever worry he might?08:57.70Oh, please, the mans gotten me pregnant three times in four years.09:01.20I wish he was having sex with someone else.09:07.08So, Susan, is he going to stop seeing that woman?09:12.71I dont know.09:18.18Im sorry, you guys. I just.09:22.47I just dont know how Im going to survive this.09:26.69Listen to me.09:28.40We all have moments of desperation.09:32.90But if we can face them head-on, thats when we find out just how strong we really are.09:46.08Susan. I was just saying Paul wants us to go over on friday.09:49.00He needs us to go through Mary Alices closetand help pack up her things.09:51.88He said he cant face doing it by himself.09:54.01Sure. Thats fine.09:56.18Are you okay?09:57.80Yeah.09:59.80Im just so angry.10:01.81If Mary Alice was having problems,she should have come to us.10:04.31She should have let us help her.10:05.89What kind of problems could she have had?10:08.19She was healthy, had a great home, a nice family.10:10.69- Her life was. - Our life.10:15.69No, if Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, wed have known.10:18.91She lives 50 feet away, for gods sakes.10:21.49Gabby, the woman killed herself.10:23.79Something must have been going on.10:38.68I wouldnt eat that if I were you.10:40.39Why?10:41.30I made it. Trust me.10:45.60Hey, hey, do you - do you have a death wish?10:47.81No, I just refuse to believe that anybody cans crew up macaroni and cheese.10:53.82Oh, my god.10:56.78How did you - it tastes like its burned and undercooked.11:00.70Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go.11:06.08Ha ha. Thanks.11:07.29Im Mike Delfino. I just started renting the simms house next door.11:10.79Susan Mayer. I live across the street.11:14.00Oh, yeah, mrs. Huber told me about you.11:16.51Said you illustrate childrens books.11:17.71Yeah, Im very big with the under-5 set.11:21.01- What do you do? - Plumber.11:22.89So if you ever have a clog.11:26.89or something.11:32.48Now that everybodys seen that I brought something,11:35.69I should probably just throw this out.11:49.58Ease up, you little vampire.11:55.00Lynette, Ive been looking all over for you.11:58.38Are you aware of what your sons are doing?12:13.69What are you doing? We are at a wake.12:16.98When we got here, you said we could go in the pool.12:19.40I said you could go by the pool.12:22.61Do you have your swimsuits on?12:24.11Yeah, we put them under our clothes before we left.12:27.08You three planned this? All right. Thats it. Get out!12:30.50- No! - No?12:33.50I am your mother. You have to do what I say. Come on.12:36.29We want to swim, and you cant stop us!12:53.10Get out, or I will get in this pool and just grab you. Get out!13:00.90Get over here.13:04.28Get - get over here!13:11.70All right, give me your arm. Get back -13:23.80Move it! Thats right! Get over here!13:34.31Paul, we have to leave now.13:35.89Once again, I am so sorry for your loss.13:39.82Go.13:41.61Lynette shouldnt have been so concerned about my husband.13:45.28He had other things on his mind -13:47.91things below the surface.13:57.88The morning after my funeral,13:59.50my friends and neighbors quietly went back to their busy, busy lives.14:05.01While some did their cooking.14:09.39and some did their cleaning.14:13.39and some did their yoga.14:16.31others did their homework.14:18.98Hi.14:21.90Im Julie. I kicked my soccer ball into your backyard.14:25.78Oh, okay. Well, lets go around and get it.14:27.91Stay.14:31.20His wife died a year ago.14:32.28He wanted to stay in L.A., but there were too many memories.14:34.58Hes renting for tax purposes, but he hopes to buy a place real soon.14:37.58I cant believe you went over there.14:39.00Hey, I saw you both flirting at the wake.14:40.71Youre obviously into each other.14:42.59Now that you know hes single, you can ask him out.14:44.71Julie, I like mr. Delfino, I do.14:47.22I just, uh, I dont even know if Im ready to start dating yet.14:50.59Oh, you need to get back out there.14:52.10Come on. How long has it been since youve had sex?14:56.81Are you mad that I asked you that?14:58.81No, Im just trying to remember.15:01.10I dont want to talk to you about my love life anymore. It weirds me out.15:03.90I wouldnt have said anything. Its just.15:06.28What?15:08.20I heard dads girlfriend ask if youd dated anyone since the divorce,15:12.28and dad said he doubted it.15:16.41And then they both laughed.15:33.30- Susan. - Hi, Mike.15:36.18I brought you a little housewarming gift.15:38.68I probably should have brought something by earlier, but.15:41.31actually, youre the first in the neighborhood to stop by.15:43.90Really?15:44.90Susan knews he was lucky.15:46.61An eligible bachelor had moved onto wisteria lane,15:49.61and she was the first to find out,15:51.78but she also knew that good news.15:55.08Travels quickly.15:56.79Edie Britt was the most predatory divorc馥 in a 5-block radius.16:02.08Her conquests were numerous.16:06.71varied.16:10.88and legendary.16:14.68Hi, Susan. I hope Im not interrupting.16:19.18You must be Mike Delfino. Hi, Im Edie. Britt.16:23.19I live over there.16:25.19Welcome to Wisteria lane.16:28.11Susan had met the enemy, and she was a slut.16:31.90Thank you. Ha ha. Whats this?16:33.99Sausage putanesca. Its just something I threw together.16:38.49Well, thanks, Edie. Ha ha. Thats great.16:42.92Id invite you both in, but I was sort of in the middle of something.16:48.21And just like that, the race for Mike Delfino had begun.16:53.01For a moment, Susan wondered if her rivalry with Edie would remain friendly.16:59.10Oh, Mike. I heard youre a plumber?17:01.48But she was reminded that when it came to men.17:04.31do you think you could stop by later tonight and take a look at my pipes?17:07.81- Women dont fight fair. - Sure.17:10.19Thanks.17:18.08Bye, Susan.17:20.99You cant order me around like Im a child.17:22.79- Gabrielle. - No. No, no, no. Im not going.17:25.21Its business. Tanaka expects everyone to bring their wives.17:27.71Every time Im around that man, he tries to grab my ass.17:31.21Ha ha. I made over $200,000 doing business with him last year.17:34.38If he wants to grab your ass, you let him.17:47.81Mr. Solis. You scared me.17:50.48Why is that bush still there? You were supposed to dig it up last week.17:53.49I didnt have time last week.17:54.61I dont want to hear your excuses. Just take care of it.18:00.58I really hate the way you talk to me.18:03.29And I really hate that I spend $15,00018:06.08on your diamond necklace that you couldnt live without,18:08.58but Im learning to deal with it.18:10.71So can I tell Tanaka well be there tomorrow night?18:13.59John. We have bandage stop shelf in the kitchen.18:17.80Thanks, mrs. Solis.18:23.39Fine. Ill go.18:25.39But Im keeping my back pressed against the wall the entire time.18:29.48See? Now this is what a marriage is all about - compromise.18:40.49Is your finger okay?18:41.70Yeah, yeah, its just a small cut.18:44.58Let me see.19:02.30Hmm. You know, mrs. Solis,19:05.39Um, I really like it when we hook up,19:08.60but, um, well, you know, I-I got to get my work done,19:11.48and I cant afford to lose this job.19:16.40This table is hand-carved.19:18.78Carlos had it imported from Italy.19:21.20It cost him $23,000.19:25.99You want to do it on the table this time?19:28.79Absolutely.19:46.10Why cant we ever have normal soup?19:48.39Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree.19:51.69Just once, couldnt we have a soup that people have heard of?19:54.61Like french onion or navy bean.19:57.11First of all, your father cant eat onions. Hes deathly allergic.19:59.78And I wont even dignify your navy bean suggestion.20:03.91So. hows the osso buco?20:07.20Its okay.20:09.29Its okay?20:10.79Andrew, I spent three hours cooking this meal.20:13.08How do you think it makes me feel when you say its okay in that sullen tone?20:17.80Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner?20:23.18Excuse me?20:26.01Tim Harpers mom gets home from work,20:28.10pops open a can of pork and beans,20:30.39and boom, theyre eating. Everyones happy.20:32.19Youd rather I serve pork and beans?20:34.31Apologize now. I am begging.20:35.48Im saying, do you always have to serve cuisine?20:37.77Cant we ever just have food?20:39.40Are you doing drugs?20:40.61What?20:41.49Change in behavior is one of the warning signs,20:43.61and you have been as fresh as paint for the last six months.20:47.28That certainly would explain why youre always locked in the bathroom.20:49.41- Trust me, that is not what he is doing. - Shut up.20:52.00Mom, Im not the one with the problem here, all right?20:54.50Youre the one always acting like shes running for mayor of Stepford.20:58.80Rex.21:00.38Seeing that youre the head of this household, I would really appreciate you saying something.21:06.51Pass the salt?21:18.98Three days after my funeral,21:20.69Lynette replaced her grief with a much more useful emotion