jokes英语小笑话集锦.doc

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. Dont worry, son. Your mother will come back. Shes only bringing people babies and making them happy. The next night, its fathers turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now hes bringing joy to new mommies and daddies. A few days later, the storks parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where hes been all night. The baby stork says, Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of studentsscare the hell out of sb吓着某人Why is the number 10 afraid of seven?Because seven ate nine, and 10 is next.-Teacher: Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is? Student: Its 42! Teacher: Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is? Same student: Its 24! -Q: What does the zero say to the the eight? A: Nice belt! -(3) .Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him? Jack: Certainly. Tom: And why? Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me. -(4) An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into a shop and asked the shopman: How much this stuff? Seven dollars, Madam, it is very cheap. The lady said, It is too much, give it to me for fourteen. I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven. It is still too much, replied the old lady, give it to me for five. ” (5)Mr. Johnson: Are you using you mower this afternoon? Mr.Smith: Yes. Mr.Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you wont be needing it? He is really somebody - My uncle has 1000 men under him. - He is really somebody. What does he do? - A worker in a cemetery(公墓)The New Teacher George comes from school on the first of September. George, how did you like your new teacher? asked his mother. I didnt like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too. -A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: God, what is a million dollars to you? and God says: A penny, then the man says: God, what is a million years to you? and God says: a second, then the man says: God, can I have a penny? and God says In a second 一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?上帝回答:一便士.男子又问:那一百万年呢?上帝说:一秒钟.最后男子请求道:上帝,我能得到一便士吗?上帝回答:过一秒钟. - Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, I will grant each one a wish thats 3 together. The Canadian said, I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile. The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said Genie, tell me more about this wall, the genie said,” Its 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out. President Bush said,” Wow! Thats a big bridge.Fill it with water! 拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个.加拿大人说:我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃.精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情.精灵回答:墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去.布什总统说:哇!那是座大桥耶.注满水! My Baby Swallowed a Bullet Young Mother: Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ? Doctor: Dont point him at anybody. Notes 1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹 2. to point at: 对.瞄准 allybaby Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:First, you should make sure that he is already dead. Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:What should I do next? 两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？” fool_fox 标题：Im the boss 内容：The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasnt getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, Im the Boss. He then taped it to his office door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. Your wife called, she wants her sign back! note:staff meeting:员工会议 再来一个：Wifes picture A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, Look, buddy, Ill bring you martinis all night long. But you go to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill. The customer replies, Im peeking at a photo of my wife.When she starts to look good, then I know its time to go home. note:tavern 酒馆, 客栈 martini 马提尼酒 peek/pi;k/ n.一瞥, 匆忙看过v.偷看He Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: Thats too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他赢了 汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？ 约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。 汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？ 约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。 I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, What happened? A kid bit me, replied Ivan. Would you recognize him if you saw him again? asked his mother. Id know him any where, said Ivan. I have his ear in my pocket. 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？” “一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。” A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday? I gave it to a poor old woman, he answered. Youre a good boy, said the mother proudly. Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman? She is the one who sells the candy. -Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, Whats the meaning of the word Drunk, dad? Well, my son, his father replied, look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk. But, dad, the boy said, theres only ONE policeman! 醉酒 一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，醉字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！” Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guests plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese? In the rat-trap, sir, replied the boy. 好客 由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。 -THE FIRST TIME Patient: Im so frightened, this is my first operation. Surgeon: I know just how you feel. This is my first operation, too. 第一次 病人：我很害怕，这是我第一次动手术。 外科医生：我完全理解你的心情。这也是我第一次动手术-TELEMARKETER I answered the phone one evening and quickly realized the voice on the other end belonged to a telemarketer. Good evening, he said, may I speak with Leah Jonason? She is a baby, I replied. All right, said the caller, Ill try again later. 电话推销员 -A Great ManTeacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.Why Is He HowlingDentist: Please stop howling. I havent even touched your tooth yet. Patient: I know, but you are standing on my foot!某人刻苦学习英语,终有小成.一日上街不慎与一老外相撞,忙说:I am sorry.老外应道:I am sorry too.某人听后又道:I am sorry three.老外不解,问:What are you sorry for?某人无奈,道:I am sorry five.Mother: Why are you jumping up and down? Tom: Ive just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle. “Im sorry ，Madam ，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boys tooth .” “Twenty d ollars! Why ，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!” “Yes ，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .” ” _ Teacher：We all know that heat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract. Now，can anyone give me a good example? John：Well ，in the summer the days are long，and in the winter the days are short. Toms Birthday It was Toms birthday,and he was five years old.He got quite a lot of nice birthday presents from his family,and one of them was a beautiful big drum. “Who gave him thay thing?”answered Toms mother. “Oh,”said his father. Of course,Tom liked his drum very much.He made terrible noise with is,but his mother did not mind.His father was working during the day,and Tom was in bed when he got home in the evening,so he did not hear the noise. But one of the neighbours did not like noise at all.So one morning a few days later she took a sharp knife and went to Toms house while he was hitting his drum.She said to him,”Hello,Tom,do you know,theres something very nice inside your drum.Here is a knife.Open the frum and lets find it.”Nest and Hair My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom. What kind of bird? my sister asked. I didnt see the bird, ma am, only the nest, replied the child. Then, can you give us a description of the nest? my sister encouraged her . Well, maam, it just resembles your hair. Notes: (1) inform v.告诉 (2) nest n.窝；巢 (3) description n.描述 (4) encourage v.鼓励 (5) resemble v. 相似；类似 Q: Whats the difference between a monkey and a flea? A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea cant have monkeys. 猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？ Q: How can you most irritate a farmer? A: By treading on his corn? 如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。 Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world? A: The snail. It carries its house on its back. 因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？ Q: What do people do in a clock factory? A: They make faces all day. 一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。 Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? A: Keep him awake. 怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。 英语笑话（二） He is really somebody - My uncle has 1000 men under him. - He is really somebody. What does he do? - A maintenance man in a cemetery. 他真是一个大人物 - 我叔叔下面有1000个人。 - 他真是一个大人物。干什么的？ - 墓地守墓人。 英语笑话（三） Not long after an old Chin