Cabin Pressure - Douz.doc

CABIN PRESSURESeries 1, Episode 4: DOUZ(bing bong!)MARTIN: Good afternoon. This is your captain speaking. Just to say there is absolutely nothing to worry about.(bing bong!)MARTIN: Hello. Captain Crieff here again. Still no need to panic. I repeat, there is no need to panic. Or to look out of the windows. Everythings fine.(bing bong!)MARTIN: Actually, I wasnt being entirely straight with you just now. You see, its this damnable sleeping sickness of mine. Yawns. Normally I control it with a mysterious stimulant from South America but blast it, my supplys run out. Im afraid our only hope now is if by some chance someone on board knows how to prepare this stimulant and couldCAROLYN: Yes, we get the message. Arthur, take Martin his coffee.OPENING CREDITS: This week: Douz!ARTHUR: Here you are, skipper! Wow, is that the Sahara?DOUGLAS: The vast sandy thing on the ground? Thats the chap, yes.ARTHUR: Wow. Its brilliant!DOUGLAS: Always at hand with the mot juste, arent you, Arthur? Yes, the Sahara Desert is brilliant, just as the Niagara Falls were brilliant, the Northern Lights were brilliant, and that chap from RyanAir burping the theme to the Muppets was really brilliant.ARTHUR: Come on, that was brilliant. Wow, camels! DOUGLAS: And how would you describe them, in a word?ARTHUR: Brilliant! DOUGLAS: Thought so.ARTHUR: What are they all doing there?DOUGLAS: Filling up. Douz is the last town in Tunisia before the desert. Its like a big camel petrol station. MARTIN: scoffs What would you know about petrol stations?DOUGLAS: Ive . . . seen them; I drive past them; sometimes I stop for a Kit-Kat.ARTHUR: What, doesntdoesnt your car need petrol, Douglas?MARTIN: No, Douglass car does not need petrol.ARTHUR: Wow. Well, maybe I should get oneDOUGLAS: Yes, Arthur, you keep lumbering on after the uptake. Its sure to tire eventually. What Martins getting at (and this isnt for your mothers ears) is: you know how we have to run off a couple of litres of fuel before every trip to check for water droplets? Well, theres nothing in the book to say where you have to run it off to. ARTHUR: Ah.MARTIN: I think theres a general understanding that they didnt mean into the tank of the first officers Lexus.DOUGLAS: Then they should have said so. Im not a mind reader. ARTHUR: What, you can run a car on aviation fuel?DOUGLAS: Oh, yes! Its a bit like giving a bunny rabbit cheetah food, but it doesnt half make it goas I imagine it would do the bunny rabbit.DOUZ ATC: Golf Tango India, good evening. Youre cleared to land at your discretion on 2-7. Wind is 200 at 25.DOUGLAS: Roger. switches off radio Ooh, breezy.MARTIN: You still happy to take the landing, or shall I?DOUGLAS: Oh, I suspect Ill muddle through, Martin. I was doing my logbook the other day and I noticed that this happens to be my 2,000th landing.ARTHUR: Oh, wow! Is that true? Thats amazing.DOUGLAS: Oh. Not brilliant? Im crushed.MARTIN: No, its not true, Arthur, its just another transparent attempt to remind me what a mighty Sky God he is.DOUGLAS: Of course its true! Why would you doubt it?MARTIN: Well, my suspicions were first aroused by the use of the phrase I was doing my logbook. The last time you did your logbook, you couldve had it signed off by Douglas Bader.DOUGLAS: Dont listen to him, Arthur. Two thousand landings precisely.ARTHUR: Wow. And how many takeoffs?DOUGLAS: Oh, nothing like as many.ARTHUR: Right.MARTIN: Mmm, because of course takeoffs are cancelled all the time; landings almost never.DOUGLAS: Thats right.ARTHUR: Ah, yes. Of course. MARTIN: warning beep Oh, hang on, weve lost one of the hydro systems.DOUGLAS: Mmm, possibly. The thing about Gertie though, bless her, is she is rather The Aeroplane Who Cries Wolf. I particularly enjoyed her last ground proximity warningthe one when we were on the ground. MARTIN: The contents have fallen to zero. Stand by Pump 2 on, check pressure . . . Pressures falling. No, we really have lost No. 1 hydraulic system!DOUGLAS: Oooh, what fun!MARTIN: Right. Er, right, right. Erm, No. 1 hydraulic system lost. Uh . . . no special procedures! Notes: lack of rudder will reduce max crosswind limit to 25 knots.DOUGLAS: Wont it just! Arthur, break the emergency glass! I require my Biggles hat.MARTIN: Douglas, this is serious!DOUGLAS: beep Douz tower, this is Golf Tango India, weve lost our No. 1 hydraulic system, no operational effects, we continue to make our approach.DOUZ ATC: Roger that, Golf Tango India. Well have the fire truck on standby.DOUGLAS: Youre quite the little ray of sunshine, arent you, Tower? beep (bing-bong!) Hello Carolyn, this is the pointy end. Just to let you know Ill be landing today without No. 1 hydro.CAROLYN: WHAT? Why? DOUGLAS: Oh, I dont know, just to see if I can. All right, everyone, hang on, were going in!MARTIN: I have control.DOUGLAS: What?MARTIN: I have control. I have control! Control, I have it!DOUGLAS: Martin, you gave me this sector, and Im well within my limitsMARTIN: I know, I know, Im sorry, but we cant be too careful.DOUGLAS: Too careful? MARTIN: forcefully I have control.DOUGLAS: How do you mean, too careful?MARTIN: firmly Douglas. I have control.DOUGLAS: . . . you have control. On the tarmac in Douz.MARTIN: . . . and shutdown checks complete. Breathes a sigh of relief.DOUGLAS: Well done, Captain.Flight deck door opens.CAROLYN: Good lord, Douglas. You made a right old meal of that, didnt you?DOUGLAS: Not really.CAROLYN: What? You did two go-arounds, then you finally slammed it onto the ground like you were trying to wipe out the dinosaurs. DOUGLAS: Oh, Im not denying a right old meal was made of it, but I was not the chef du jour. Captain Crieff kindly took control.CAROLYN: What? Martin landed it? With a hydro failure and a crosswind? Martin, you get flustered trying to parallel-park! Why on earth would you take control?MARTIN: Im the senior pilot on board, Carolyn.CAROLYN: Yes, but Douglas is the better pilot on board. You do see how better trumps senior, dont you?MARTIN: For your information, a firm landing is generally the safest.CAROLYN: If that landing had been any safer it wouldve killed us. DOUGLAS: You know what they saya good landings any landing you can walk away from. A great landing is one where they can re-use the plane.ARTHUR: Mum, I was just taking a look outside and, um . . . the company who sub-contracted to us, are they called Panda Charters?CAROLYN: Yes, why?ARTHUR: And theyre hiring us because they have a tech failure?CAROLYN: Yes, why?ARTHUR: Look over there. It looks like quite a big tech failure.CAROLYN: Good lord.DOUGLAS: That is a very broken plane.ARTHUR: Do they have hyenas in the Sahara?MARTIN: Not big enough to attack 737s, but I take your point.A pause while everyone digests this piece of information.CAROLYN: Well, lets turn this round as quickly as possible. Ill be back in an hour, and watch out for anyone trying to steal our engines.DOUGLAS: Have no fear! Martin will be in control throughout.CAROLYN opens the door to be greeted by, if it was at all possible, the sounds of the sizzling Sahara at high noon.CAROLYN: Whew!ARTHUR: Are you all right, mum?CAROLYN: Gosh, its hot!DOUGLAS: Ah! Sahara not only brilliant, but hot! I see where Arthur gets his way with words.Back in the flight deck.MARTIN: So . . . theyre officially the national cricket team?DOUGLAS: Apparently. Of Scotland.MARTIN: Didnt think Scots played cricket.DOUGLAS: It seems at least eleven of them do.MARTIN: And the Scotland-Tunisia cricket match, is that a regular thing?DOUGLAS: A hotly-contested Hiberno-African derby, Ive no doubt.A buzz, then the click of a camera. MARTIN: What are you doing now, Arthur?ARTHUR: Oh, nothing! You two carry on. Act natural.DOUGLAS: Why are you taking our pictures?ARTHUR: Mums reprinting our company brochure, and she said I could have a go at taking the picture of the cover.DOUGLAS: Oh dear, does that mean were losing the current one?MARTIN: The one with Carolyn strangling a customer? DOUGLAS: I always thought that summed up MJN Air rather well.ARTHUR: Shes adjusting his pillow! . . . But yeah, it does look a bit strangle-y.There is a knock at the flight deck door, which then opens.DOUGLAS: Hello? HABIB: Hello, captain. Compliments of the airfield manager and would you please be able to settle the bill?MARTIN: Yeah, actually Im the captain. Hello, the one in the captains seat wearing the captains hat?HABIB: Sorry, captain. Compliments of theMARTIN: Yes, all right, give it here. Flips pages Yes, fine, fine . . . whats this?HABIB: Um . . . fire truck.MARTIN: Yes, I can read what it says. What does it mean?Another click of the camera.DOUGLAS: Really, Arthur? The front page of MJNs brochure, our gallant captain quibbles over a bill?MARTIN: Im not quibbling, Douglas, it says three hundred dollars here for a fire truck! HABIB: I dont know, its not usual.DOUGLAS: Oh really? lowers voice You know, Martin, these little airfields do rather try things on sometimes if they suspect youre not . . . MARTIN: What? Not what?DOUGLAS: Oh . . . nothing.HABIB: Would you like to speak to the airfield manager, sir?MARTIN: Yes, yes I would. Ill show him whether or not Im . . . that. In the airfield managers office. MARTIN knocks on the door, then enters.AIRFIELD MANAGER: Entrez! Ah, you have.MARTIN: Hello. Are you the airfield manager?AIRFIELD MANAGER: I am, yes. Yves Jutteau, at your service. You must be the captain.MARTIN: No, actually Im theoh. Yes. Martin Crieff.YVES JUTTEAU: I am delighted to meet you.MARTIN: Are you French?YVES JUTTEAU: Ah! My cover is blown. Originally, yesyoure not the only ones who used to have an empire, hein? Now, will you take caf?MARTIN: No, I dont want coffee.YVES JUTTEAU: Oh, then caf you shall not have. So, how can I help you?MARTIN: Its this bill.YVES JUTTEAU: Yes?MARTIN: Well, firstly youre charging us for three hours on standweve only been here, what, one hour fifty-four?YVES JUTTEAU: I regret we charge per hour. Or per part of per hour.MARTIN: Thats still only two hours.YVES JUTTEAU: Youre expecting to leave within the next six minutes? Youd better, if I may attempt an idiom, get your skates on? Chuckles But yes, by all means, between friends, let us call it two.MARTIN: Thank you. Now, this weather report. Eighty dollars?YVES JUTTEAU: Yes.MARTIN: Its a very glossy folderYVES JUTTEAU: Thank you.MARTIN: containing one sheet of A4 printed off from Google Weather Maps!YVES JUTTEAU: You would prefer two sheets?MARTIN: Which says its going to be hot!YVES JUTTEAU: It is going to be hot.MARTIN: Dyou really think thats information worth eighty dollars?YVES JUTTEAU: Without it, you cannot take off! So . . . I would say so. Anything else?MARTIN: Yes, actually. Fire truck.YVES JUTTEAU: Yes?MARTIN: Well, what do you mean, fire truck?YVES JUTTEAU: I can find no words that describe a fire truck better than fire truck.MARTIN: But why are we paying for it?YVES JUTTEAU: Because you called it up! You radioed you were landing with a hydraulics failure. We mobilized the fire truck.MARTIN: But we dont pay for that!YVES JUTTEAU: Then who pays for that?MARTIN: Nobody pays for that! It just happens!YVES JUTTEAU: I dont know what your fire trucks do, Captain, but our fire trucks do not just happen.MARTIN: Oh, I suppose you think Ill believe anything, do you?YVES JUTTEAU: Im sure you will believe almost nothing. However, if you pass me the bill, I will send you an amended one.MARTIN: Youre taking off the fire truck?YVES JUTTEAU: No, Im taking off the third hour. The fire truck remains.MARTIN: Right. Well, Ive made my point, anyway.YVES JUTTEAU: Youve made it. I have disagreed with it; Im going to do nothing about it.On the tarmac at Douz airfield. The Scottish national cricket team is singing rather loudly inside the minibus. Something about whiskey and a loch.CAROLYN: Gentlemen! Gentlemen! I dont mind the singing, but if you could possibly all keep to the inside of the minibus, that would be super!RANDOM SCOT: On yer bike, hen!CAROLYN: Thank you! A very spirited bunch, arent they? I was expecting the Scottish cricket team to have a certain dour quality.CAPT. JESSOP: Well, you cant blame them. Theyre just delighted to be getting home. We all are. Really, on behalf of my crew, I cant thank you enough. We are so, so grateful.CAROLYN: Oh, chuckles thank you! Really, really theres no need.CAPT. JESSOP: Oh, but there is! We cant get over itits so public-spirited of you! So generous!CAROLYN: slams on the brakes What? How do you mean, generous? Whats generous?CAPT. JESSOP: Well, to come and rescue us like this.CAROLYN: Well, its my job, isnt it? I mean, Im getting paid.CAPT. JESSOP: Oh, really? Who by?CAROLYN: What? By your firm, Panda Charters!CAPT. JESSOP: Er . . . no, I dont think so. I mean, they went bust, you know. You did know that, didnt you?CAROLYN: No, I did not. They omitted to mention it.CAPT. JESSOP: Thats why were here. The airport manager wouldnt let us leave without paying our bill. Oh incidentally, dont cross him, whatever you dohes a right bastard.Back in the flight deck.DOUGLAS: Ah, Martin. How did you get on?MARTIN: Oh yes, pretty well. Theyre just sending out the new, amended, lower bill now.DOUGLAS: Gosh, well done.MARTIN: Oh, its nothing really, just a matter of showing them whos in control. Hes a nice enough fellowreally, hes just one of those little men whove got a little job and so have to spend the whole time proving theyre just as good as anyone else, you know the type.DOUGLAS: It rings a faint bell.CAROLYN enters.CAROLYN: Right! Come on then, lets get out of this hellhole! camera click ARTHUR WILL YOU PUT THAT DAMN THING AWAY BEFORE I MAKE YOU EAT IT!ARTHUR: Sorry, Mum.DOUGLAS: Everything tickety-boo, Carolyn?CAROLYN: No, its not. Were doing this whole damn trip for free! Panda Charters went bust! Thats why their plane looks like that! The airfield manager stripped it of parts in lieu of payment.DOUGLAS: Goodness, thats hard-core.The door opens again, this time more politely.HABIB: Excuse me, Monsieur Jutteaus compliments, and the revised bill.MARTIN: Right! Flips pages A-ha! Two hours! See, not so hard-core as all that, not when stood up to.DOUGLAS: And the fire truck?MARTIN: quickly Doesnt matter about the fire truck.CAROLYN: What about the fire truck?MARTIN: Nothing! Doesnt matter. To HABIB Right, do you have a card reader, or . . .DOUGLAS: Er, whats this? Safety infringement penalty: six hundred dollars?MARTIN: WhaWhat?!HABIB: Yes, er, the manager anticipated you might like to talk to him about that. He is on the radio.MARTIN: switches the radio on Safety infringementwhat safety infringement?YVES JUTTEAU: Ah! Good afternoon, Captain Crieff. I hope you are enjoying your free hour?MARTIN: Never mind about thatwhats this about a safety infringement?YVES JUTTEAU: Sadly, there was a small one.MARTIN: What, it wasnt there on the last bill! YVES JUTTEAU: Indeed not. But when you did me the honour of visiting my office to complain about the last bill, you crossed the apron, did you not?MARTIN: Yes.YVES JUTTEAU: And were you wearing the regulation yellow reflective safety vest?MARTIN: I . . . YVES JUTTEAU: Voila.MARTIN: But its a deserted airfield. In the middle of the day. In the Tunisian sunshine!YVES JUTTEAU: Nevertheless, it is wise to be in good habits.MARTIN: Well, were not paying for it.YVES JUTTEAU: Ah! Then we have a problem.MARTIN: Yes, we do.CAROLYN: No, we dont.MARTIN: Carolyn! Im dealing with thisits under control! CAROLYN: Shut up, Martin. Were already thousands of pounds down on this trip; all I want to do is get home. Monsieur Jutteau, hello! So sorry about the misunderstanding. Yes, of course well pay the bill.YVES JUTTEAU: Well, if youll just give your credit card to Habib theresounds of transactionMARTIN: Well, well done, msieu! Its a good week for you, isnt it? Bankrupted these guys, fleeced ushope you feel really big now!YVES JUTTEAU: These guys? The gentlemen from Panda Charters? They are with you?MARTIN: Yes they are, poor sods, because you wrecked their business and pulled their plane to shredsCAROLYN: Martin, that is enough!MARTIN: Hello? Are you listening to me?YVES JUTTEAU: Im sorry, I was just . . . arranging something . . .CAROLYN: Hello? The payments gone through.YVES JUTTEAU: Ah, excellent. Thank you. Regrettably, though, as you are carrying Panda Charterss crew and passengers, I must hold you responsible for their debts. Im afraid you may not leave until they are paid off.MARTIN: Oh now, come on! CAROLYN: How much?YVES JUTTEAU: Twelve thousand three hundred and six dollars. But let us call it twelve thousand.MARTIN: Yes, well, nice try, but thats entirely illegal.YVES JUTTEAU: Thats debatable.MARTIN: Unfortunately we dont have time to debate it, must be off now, s