山西省永济市涑北中学高三英语复习 英文小幽默2.doc

山西省永济市涑北中学高三英语复习：英文小幽默2a lady was walking down the street to work. she saw a parrot on a perch栖木 in front of a pet （宠物）store.the parrot said to her, “hey lady, you are really ugly.” well, the lady was furious暴怒的! she stormed past the store to her work. on the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, “hey lady, you are really ugly.” she was incredibly ticked愤怒 now. the next day the same parrot again said to her, “hey lady, you are really ugly.” the lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue起诉 the store and kill the bird. the store manager apologized（道歉）profusely十分慷慨地 and promised（保证）he would make sure the parrot wouldnt say it again. when the lady walked past the store that day after work, the parrot called to her, “hey lady.” she paused and said, ”yes?” the bird said, “you know.” daddy, how much do you make an hour?with a timid羞怯的 voice （声音，语气）and idolizing崇拜偶像 eyes，the little boy greeted（问）his father as he returned from work, “daddy, how much do you make an hour?” greatly surprised, but giving his boy a glaring耀眼的 look, the father said, “look, son, not even your mother knows that. dont bother（打扰） me now, im tired（累，疲劳的）.” “but daddy, just tell me please! how much do you make an hour?” the boy insisted. the father finally（最后）gave up（give up放弃）and replied, “twenty dollars per hour.” “okay, daddy. could you loan（贷款） me ten dollars?” the boy asked. showing restlessness（不安）and positively disturbed（被激怒）, the father yelled（大喊）“so that was the reason you asked how much i earn（挣）, right? go to sleep and dont bother me anymore!”it was already dark and the father felt guilty（愧疚）as he meditated（思考，冥想）on what he had said. maybe, he thought, his son wanted to buy something. so the father went to his sons room. “are you asleep, son?” asked the father.“no, daddy. why?” replied the boy, partially asleep（睡眼惺忪）. “heres the money you asked for earlier（早些时候，刚才）,” the father said.“thank daddy!” rejoiced（喜乐）the son, putting his hand under his pillow（枕头）and pulling out some money. “now i have twenty dollars!” the boy said to his father, who was gazing（凝视）at his son, confused at（对。疑惑）what his son just said. “daddy, could you sell me one hour of your time?” snakeare we poisonous（有毒的）? the young snake asked his mother. yes, dear, she replied - why do you ask? cause ive just bitten my tongue!the cat and mousemrs brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small box with holes（洞）punched（针扎） in the top（顶部）. whats in your box? asked the friend. a cat, answered mrs brown. you see ive been dreaming about（做梦梦到）mice at night and im so scared（害怕）! this cat is to catch them. but the mice are only imaginary（假想）, said the friend. so is the cat, whispered mrs brown. evolutionthe lecturer（讲师） on evolution（进化论） had been going on for nearly（接近） two hours. then he started again, and said he:let me ask the evolutionist a question - if we had tails like a baboon（狒狒）, where are they? ill venture（风险，冒险） an answer, said an old lady. we have worn them off（磨掉） sitting here so long.improvement（进步）one student to another: how are your english lessons coming along（进展如何）? fine. i used to（曾经）be one who couldnt understand the english men, and now its the english men who cant understand me.the reason（理由） of being late teacher: johnny, why are you late for school every morning? johnny: every time i come to the corner（拐角）, a guidepost（路牌）says, school - go slow.when do people talk least?student a: when do people talk least（最少）? student b: in february. student a: why? student b: because february is the shortest month of a year.the plural form（复数形式）of child teacher: what is the plural of man, tom? tom: men. teacher: good. and the plural of child? tom: twins.the insane asylumlate one night at the insane asylum (疯人院）one inmate（病人）shouted（喊）, i am napoleon! another one said, how do you know? the first inmate said, god told me! just then, a voice from another room shouted, i did not!my sisters fingers teacher: kevin, why are you late this time? kevin: please sir, i bruised（砸伤）two fingers knocking in a nail（钉钉子） at home. teacher: i dont see any bandages（绷带）. kevin: oh, they werent my fingers! i told my little sister to hold（扶住）the nail.essay（作文） teacher had set his class an essay in a game of cricket（板球）. after two minutes simon steel（名字）handed（上交） his paper in and was allowed（允许）to go home. his essay read: rain stopped play.how many rabbits? teacher: now, jonathan, if i gave you three rabbits and then the next day i gave you five rabbits, how many rabbits would you have? jonathan: nine, sir. teacher: nine? jonathan: ive got one already（本来）, sir.how much english can you speak?your honor（尊敬的）, i want to bring to your attention how unfair（不公平） it is for my client（客户，当事人） to be accused（指控） of theft.（偷窃） he arrived in new york city a week ago and barely（几乎不knew his way around. whats more（而且）, he only speaks a few words of english.the judge （法官）looked at the defendant（被告）and asked, how much english can you speak?the defendant looked up and said, give me your wallet!（钱包）studya husband, proving（证明）to his wife that women talk more than men, showed（显示）her a study（研究）which indicated（表明）that men use on average（平均）only 15000 words a day, whereas（然而） women use 30000 words a day. she thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat（重复）everything they say.he said, what?caketom, whats the matter with your brother? asked the mother in the kitchen. hes crying.oh, nothing, mum, replied tom. im eating my cake. he is crying because i wont give him any.but has he finished his own（自己的）cake?yes. said tom. and he also（也）cried when i was helping him finish that.the peanutsa guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him.while hes talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts（花生）on the coffee table, and finishes them off（吃光）.as theyre leaving, his friend says to his grandma, thanks for the peanuts.she says, yeah, since i lost my dentures（假牙）i can only suck（吮）the chocolate off.the advantage（作用）of alcohol（酒精）a father was trying to teach his son the evils（危害）of alcohol.he put one worm（虫子） in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey（威士忌）. the worm in the water lived（活着）, while the one in the whiskey curled up（蜷缩）and died.all right, son, asked the father, what does that show you?well, dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms.the month is up todaya man sat at a bar（酒吧）, had the saddest hangdog（难过羞愧）expression（表情）.bartender: whats the matter? are you having troubles（麻烦，闹矛盾）with your wife?the man: we had a fight, and she told me that she wasnt going to speak to me for a month.bartender: that should make you happy.the man: no, the month is up today（今天是这个月最后一天）!he must have a computera mother was teaching her -year-old son about god. “do you know, ”she said to him one day, “that god knows where everybody is all the time, and exactly（到底） what they are doing. ”the little boy looked at his mother wide-eyed（睁大眼睛）and said, “wow. he must have a computer.”count to one hundred before you speakin class,the teacher,with his back leaning against（背靠） the stove（火炉）,said to the students,before you speak,you should think and count to at least 50,and for important matters to 100.no sooner（刚刚） had the teacher stopped talking than the students began to count. at last all the students shouted together,1.98,99,100.teacher,your clothes are on fire（着火）.who is disgusting（可恶）first：“my neighbor is very disgusting，who moved here（搬来） recently（最近），he rang the bell （按门铃）of my house with a rush late at night（深更半夜）”second：“it is disgusting in faith（的确），do you call the police？”first：“noi just take him as a madman（疯子），and continue to play my piano”not necessary to answer（无需回答）teacher：“i have two questions，it isnt necessary（必须的）to answer the second question if you know the result（结果） of the first questionhow much hair do you have？”student ：“a hundred and twenty millions”teacher：“how do you know it？”student：“it is not necessary to answer the second question”now i can go homeone day after school the teacher said to his students，“tomorrow morning，if any one of you can answer my first questionill permit（允许） him or her to go home earlier” the next day，when the teacher came into the classroom，he found the blackboard daubed（乱涂）he was very angry and asked，“who did it？please stand up! ” “it s me，”said bob，“now，i can go home，goodbye，sir! ”give up my seat（让座） to a ladyl