英语幽默200个(18).doc

湖南广播电视大学外语教研室英语幽默200个（18）200 English Humours171.News Stand A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, “Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!” Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. What he saw was yesterdays paper. The man said, “Hey, this is an old paper, wheres the story about the big swindle?” The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, “Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!” 172.Indian Names This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. “Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?” She told him, “Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.” Then he asked, “Why is my sister named Cornflower?” She replied, “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her.” “And why is my other sister called Moonchild?” The mother said, “We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.” Mother Indian paused and asked her son, “Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?”173.Walking the Dog A little girl asked her mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?” Mom says, “No, because the dog is in heat.” “What does that mean?” asked the child. “Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage.” The little girl went to the garage and asked, “Dad, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said that Susie was in heat, and to come talk to you.” Dad said, “Bring Susie over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dogs rear-end with it and said, “Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block.” The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on the leash. Dad asked, “Where is Susie?” The little girl said, “She will be here in a minute, she ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home.” 174.School Question Mother: Why are you home from school so early? Son: I was the only one who could answer a question. Mother: Oh, really? What was the question? Son: Who threw the eraser at the principal? 175.HikingA father came home from a long business trip to find his young son riding a brand new bike. “Where did you get the money for that?” he asked. “It must have cost over 300 dollars!” “I earned it hiking, replied the boy. “Hiking? Come on son; tell your Dad the truth. Nobody can make that sort of money hiking. Where did you Really get the cash from?” “Its like I say, Dad. Every night when you were gone, Mr. Goldberg from the bank would come over to see Mom. Hed give me a 20 dollar bill and tell me to take a hike!” 176.Ghost A visiting professor at Cardiff University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands. “Well thats a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think youve ever seen a ghost?” About 40 students raise their hands. “Thats really good. Im really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?” 15 students raise their hands. “Thats a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost? Three students raise their hands.“Thats fantastic. But let me ask you one question further . Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years Ive been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. Youve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.” The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, “Well, tell us what its like to have sex with a ghost.” The student replies, “Ghost? Damn . From back there I thought you said goats!” 177.Lone Ranger A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnnys propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, “I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.” “Very good, William,” cooed the teacher. “My mommy had a baby,” said little Esther. “Oh, that”s nice,” replied the teacher. Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. “I was watching TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.”The teacher was relieved but puzzled, “And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?”“Itll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger.” 178.LunchThere was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy, who were construction workers working on top of a building. It was lunch time and the Irishman opened his lunch pail, finding cabbage and beef. “If I get one more beef and cabbage for lunch Im gonna jump off of this building,” he says. Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and finds a burrito. “If I get one more burrito for lunch Im gonna jump off this building,” he says. The blond man opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich. “If I get one more bologna sandwich Im gonna jump off of this building.” The next day the Irishman opened his lunch pail and found cabbage and beef, so he jumped off the building to his death. Next, the Mexican opened his lunch pail, and upon finding a burrito he jumped off as well. Finally, the blond guy opened his lunch pail and found a bologna sandwich. He too jumped off the building. The next day at their funeral the Irishmans wife said, “If only I knew that he didnt like cabbage and beef, I would surely have packed him something else.” The Mexicans wife said, “If only I knew he didnt like burritos, I would have packed something else.” Finally, the blonde mans wife spoke. “I dont know what his problem was. He packed his own lunch.” 179.Jealous Blond A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, shes overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend scre