第3讲 翻译是写作-Writing Well-More about Clarity

第三讲第三讲第三讲第三讲 翻译翻译翻译翻译是写作是写作是写作是写作 Writing Well More about Clarity 周蕴仪 Ultimately the product that any writer translator has to sell is not the subject being written about but who he or she is I often find myself reading with interest about a topic I never thought would interest me some scientific quest perhaps What holds me is the enthusiasm of the writer for his field How was he drawn into it What emotional baggage did he bring along How did it change his life This is the personal transaction that s at the heart of good non fiction writing Out of it come two of the most important qualities that this book will go in search of humanity and warmth Good writing has an aliveness that keeps the reader reading from one paragraph to the next and it s not a question of gimmicks to personalize the author It s the question of using the English language in a way that will achieve the greatest clarity and strength Can such principles be taught Maybe not But most of them can be learned William Zinsser SIMPLICITY MYTH If the sentence is too simple there must be something wrong with it ood writing Strip every sentence to its cleanest components Every word that serves no function weakens the sentence Every long word that could be replaced by a short word weakens the sentence Every adverb that carries the same meaning that s already in the verb E g screamed loudly weakens the sentence Every passive construction that leaves the reader unsure of who is doing what weakens the sentence G Franklin D Roosevelt s government s blackout order of 1942 Such preparations shall be made as will completely obscure all Federal buildings and non Federal buildings occupied by the Federal government during an air raid for any period of time from visibility by reason of internal or external illumination Roosevelt to his government Tell them that in buildings where they have to keep the work going to put something across the windows Short reader attention Readers are distracted by emails TV children pets phone calls If the reader is lost it s usually because the writer has been careless Sentence is too cluttered Too much verbiage Sentence is so shoddily constructed it could read be read in several ways You have switched pronouns in midsentence or have switched tenses so the reader loses track of who is talking or when the action took place Sentence B is not a logical sequel to Sentence A the writer did not provide the missing link You have used a word incorrectly by not taking the trouble to look it up E g Sanguine sanguinary And the difference is huge The reader can only infer what the writer is trying to imply Sanguine adj 1 Of the colour of blood red Of a healthy reddish colour ruddy a sanguine complexion 2 Cheerfully confident optimistic 红色 红润 乐观 Sanguinary adj 1 Accompanied by bloodshed eager for bloodshed bloodthirsty 2 Consisting of blood 残暴 粗鲁 血腥 CLUTTER Clutter is the disease of American writing We are a society strangling in unnecessary words circular constructions pompous frills and meaningless jargon William Zinsser RULE Don t waste words When revising and editing cut out any vague repetitious or pretentious language Clear the deadwood Be concise Get to the point 1 Reduce Long Clauses Reduce long clauses to shorter phrases Wordy The clown who was in the center ring was riding a tricycle Revised The clown in the center ring was riding a tricycle 2 Reduce Phrases Reduce phrases to single words Wordy The clown at the end of the line tried to sweep up the spotlight Revised The last clown tried to sweep up the spotlight 3 Avoid Empty Openers Avoid There is There are and There were as sentence openers when There does not add meaning to the sentence Wordy There is a prize in every box of Quacko cereal Revised A prize is in every box of Quacko cereal Wordy There are two security guards at the gate Revised Two security guards stand at the gate 4 Don t Overwork Modifiers Do not overwork very really totally and other modifiers Add little or nothing to meaning of sentence Wordy By the time she got home Merdine was very tired Revised By the time she got home Merdine was exhausted Wordy She was also really hungry Revised She was also hungry or famished 5 Avoid Redundancies Replace redundant expressions with precise words Needless words add nothing or nothing significant to the meaning of our writing They bore the reader and distract from ideas Wordy At this point in time we should edit our work Revised Now we should edit our work Common Redundancies E g Advance planning all time record Add up Bald headed Best ever Cooperate together Could possibly Depreciate in value Exactly the same Fellow classmates Final outcome First and foremost ir regardless Lift up Mutual respect for each other Never before over exaggerate past history past memories polar opposites Cutting More Clutter I believe more in the scissors than I do in the pencil Truman Capote 1 Use Active Verbs Whenever possible make the subject of a sentence do something Wordy The grant proposals were reviewed by the students Revised The students reviewed the grant proposals 2 Don t Try to Show Off Leonardo da Vinci Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication Big words or lengthy phrases do not impress your readers The simplest word is often the best Wordy At this moment in time students who are matriculating through high school should be empowered to participate in the voting process Revised High school students should have the right to vote 3 Use Short Words Murder Your Darlings Whenever you feel an impulse to perpetrate a piece of exceptionally fine writing obey it wholeheartedly and delete it before sending your manuscript to press Murder your darlings Sir Arthur Quiller Couch Short words can speed up a lineand light up a thought Small words can be crisp brief terse go to the point like a knife They have a charm all their own They dance twist turn sing Like sparks in the night they light the way for the eyes of those who read They are the grace notes of prose You know what they say the way you know a day is bright and fair at first sight And you find as you read that you like the way they say it Small words are gay And they can catch large thoughts and hold them up for all to see like rare stones in rings of gold or joy in the eyes of a child Some make you feel as well as see the cold deep dark of night the hot salt sting of tears Joseph Ecclesine Advice to Scientists in Words of One Syllable American Journal of Economics and Sociology 1965 Simple words At the present time we are experiencing precipitation NO It is raining YES Are you experiencing any pain NO Does it hurt YES 4 Cut Empty Phrases The most common phrases that mean little all things being equal all things considered as a matter of fact as far as I am concerned at the end of the day at the present time due to the fact that for all intents and purposes for the most part for the purpose of in a manner of speaking in my opinion in the event of in the final analysis it seems that the point that I am trying to make type of what I am trying to say what I want to make clear Also clich s Wordy All things being equal what I am trying to say is that in my opinion all students should in the final analysis have the right to vote for all intents and purposes Revised Students should have the right to vote 5 Avoid Using Noun Forms of Verbs Fancy name excessive nominalization Keep it simple Give verbs a chance Wordy The presentation of the arguments by the students was convincing Revised The students presented their arguments convincingly Or The students argued convincingly 6 Replace Vague Nouns Replace vague nouns such as area aspect case factor manner situation something thing type and way with more specific words or eliminate them altogether Wordy After reading several things in the area of psychology type subjects I decided to put myself in a situation where I might change my major Revised After reading several psychology books I decided to change my major Summary Reduce long clauses to shorter phrases Reduce phrases to single words Avoid There is There are and There were as sentence openers Don t overwork modifiers Avoid redundancies Use active verbs Don t try to show off Cut empty phrases Avoid using noun forms of verbs Replace vague nouns with more specific words The Elongated Yellow Fruit 1953 年 纽约时报记者写 United Fruit Company bananas bananas bananas Oh no Already THREE bananas The world s leading shippers of the elongated yellow fruit 还是还是还是还是 NYT oil oil fleets of tankers will carry the lucrative to the United States liquid H W Fowler elegant variation for the ludicrous practice of never using the same word twice in the same sentence Painful contortions As thebriefed the Cardinal on plans for the s visit PopeHoly Father told His Eminence that s trip was eagerly his Holinessthe Pontiff awaited by worshippers who had never seen in person God s vicar 例一例一例一例一 哀互生 朱自清 三月里刘熏宇君来信 说互生生病了 而且是没有希望的病 医生 说只好等日子了 四月底在 时事新报 上见到立达学校的通告 想不 到这么快互生就殁了 后来听说他病的光景 那实在太惨 为他想 早 点去 少吃些苦头 也未尝不好的 但丢下立达这个学校 这班朋友 这班学生 他一定不甘心 不瞑目 互生最叫我们纪念的是 他做人的态度 他本来是一副铜筋铁骨 黑皮肤 衬着那一套大布之衣 看去像个乡下人 他什么苦都吃得 从不晓得享 用 也像乡下人 他心里那一团火 也像乡下人 那一团火是热 是力 是光 他不爱多说话 但常常微笑 那微笑是自然的 温暖的 在他看 人是可以互相爱着的 除了一些成见已深 不愿打开窗户说亮话的 他 对这些人却有些憎恶 不肯假借一点颜色 世界上只有能憎的人才能爱 爱憎没有定见 只是毫无作为的脚色 互生觉得青年成见还少 希望最 大 所以愿意将自己的生命一滴不剩而献给他们 让爱的宗教在他们中 间发荣滋长 让他们都走向新世界去 互生不好发议论 只埋着头干干 干 是儒家的真正精神 我和他并没有深谈过 但从他的行事看来 相 信我是认识他的 互生最叫我们纪念的是 他做人的态度 他本来是一副铜筋铁 骨 黑皮肤衬着那一套大布之衣 看去像个乡下人像个乡下人像个乡下人像个乡下人 他什么苦 都吃得 从不晓得享用 也像乡下人也像乡下人也像乡下人也像乡下人 他心里那一团火 也像也像也像也像 乡下人乡下人乡下人乡下人 那一团火是热 是力 是光 译文译文译文译文 What was most memorable about was his attitude toward life He was as strong as a man of steel his dark complexion set off by clothes of coarse cloth looking like someone from countryside He could withstand any hardship and never sought ease and comfort In this respect he was like a country man too Again like a countryman he had a heart as warm as fire radiating warmth power and light 72 为了求变而颠倒顺序 反而影响节奏 刘士聪译 刘士聪 1948 南开大学教授 博士生导师 原译原译原译原译注释注释注释注释 6 英汉两种语言都有比喻 但是 由于两种语言产生的背景 发展的经历 构成的特点 所反映的文化内涵不同 比喻语言在两种文化中的接受也 不尽相同 他心里的那团火 对汉语读者来说很容易理解 但对英语 读者来说 中心有一团火恐怕让人很难想像 因此 译者将其处理为 He had a heart as warm as fire 是非常恰当的 此外 英汉语言有一个重大 的差别 那就是汉语不怕重复 而英语则尽量避免重复 因此 在英汉 互译过程中 译者应充分注意这一差别 本文的译者提供了很多这样的 例子 如 将乡下人 分别译成 someone from countryside 和 a countryman 将 他心里那一团火 也像乡下人 那一团火是热 是力 是光 合译成 Again like a countryman he had a heart as warm as fire radiating warmth power and light http 互生最叫我们纪念的是 他做人的态度 他本来是一副铜筋铁骨 黑皮肤衬着 那一套大布之衣 看去像个乡下人 他什么苦都吃得 从不晓得享用 也像乡 下人 他心里那一团火 也像乡下人 那一团火是热 是力 是光 周蕴仪修改 We miss Husheng most for the way he lived life He was dark and brawny and always clothed in a roughly woven shirt like a country folk He was hardy and never tempted by worldly pleasures like a country folk A fire burned within him like the fire within every country folk And that fire is warmth is strength is light 57 例二例二例二例二 英语忌重复 为避免重复常用代词 省略和变换的表达方式 而汉语 习惯用重复表强调 例如例如例如例如 我们必须培养分析问题我们必须培养分析问题我们必须培养分析问题我们必须培养分析问题 解决解决解决解决 问题的能力问题的能力问题的能力问题的能力 译成 We must cultivate the ability to analyze and solve problems 英语中省略了一个 problems 以避免重复 赵丹 关于大学英语翻译教学现状及其发展策略 其它可能性 取决于上下文 We must develop analytical and problem solving abilities We must learn to analyse problems and to develop solutions to analyse problems and to solve problems 例三例三例三例三 封建社会代替奴隶社会 资本主义代替封建主义 社会主义经历一个过 程发展后 必然代替资本主义 邓选 第三卷 译文译文译文译文 Feudal society replaced slave society capitalism supplanted feudalism and after a long time socialism will necessarily supersede capitalism 原译注释原译注释原译注释原译注释 汉语中连续使用三个 代替 显得工整对称 而英译文中 换了三个不 同的近义词 充分应用英语语篇中衔接功能的表现技巧 使重复中富于 变化 文章也显得流畅自然流畅自然流畅自然流畅自然 周蕴仪修改 Feudalism has replaced slavery and capitalism feudalism and in good time socialism will replace capitalism Medial Ellipsis 1 Arlene will take care of the girls and Eduardo will take care of the boys Elliptical Arlene will take care of the girls and Eduardo the boys 2 Jessica had five dollars Monica had three dollars Jessica had five dollars Monica three 矫 枉 过 正矫 枉 过 正矫 枉 过 正矫 枉 过 正 原文原文原文原文 1 忍不住叫人想到 浪漫 一词 写情书是一种浪漫 送 99 朵玫瑰是一种 浪漫 我不知道 擦桌子泡茶送药是否也是一种浪漫 浪漫是没有定式 的 或许那些实实在在的呵护和关爱才是真正的浪漫 译文译文译文译文 His words remind me of the word romantic Writing love letters is an outpouring of romantic feelings so is offering a big bunch of red roses The expression of love follows no definite pattern I wonder if wiping the desk and preparing tea and medicine for a person of one s heart is not one of the ways Maybe true love lies in giving heart felt care and whole hearted protection 68 周蕴仪修改周蕴仪修改周蕴仪修改周蕴仪修改 It reminds me of romance Writing love letters is romance and sending her ninety nine roses is romance I don t know if cleaning the table or making tea or delivering medicine is romance For romance follows no rule Perhaps true romance is to really care and cherish 46 原文原文原文原文 2 我行过许多地方的桥 看过许多地方的云 喝过多种类的酒 却只爱过一个正当最好年龄的人 译文译文译文译文 I ve crossed the bridges of many a place admired the beauty of clouds at different times and tasted wine of a big variety but I love only one girl in her prime 32 周蕴仪修改周蕴仪修改周蕴仪修改周蕴仪修改 I ve crossed many bridges seen many clouds and drunk many wines but loved only one girl in her bloom of youth 21 Repetitionsrepetitions repetitions can be powerful Shakespeare For Brutus is an honourable man So are they all all honourable men Come I to speak in Caesar s funeral He was my friend faithful and just to me But Brutus says he was ambitious And Brutus is an honourable man He hath brought many captives home to Rome Whose ransoms did the general coffers fill Did this in Caesar seem ambitious When that the poor have cried Caesar hath wept Ambition should be made of sterner stuff Yet Brutus says he was ambitious And Brutus is an honourable man I have a Dream Martin Luther King Jr Let us not wallow in the valley of despair I say to you today my friends And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow I still have a dream It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed We hold these truths to be self evident that all men are created equal I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi a state sweltering with the heat of injustice sweltering with the heat of oppression will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character I have a dream today I have a dream that one day down in Alabama with its vicious racists with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers I have a dream today I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted and every hill and mountain shall be made low the rough places will be made plain and the crooked places will be made straight and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together ABBA I Have A Dream lyrics I have a dream a song to sing To help me cope with anything If you see the wonder of a fairy tale You can take the future even if you fail I believe in angels Something good in everything I see I believe in angels When I know the time is right for me I ll cross the stream I have a dream I have a dream a fantasy To help me through reality And my destination makes it worth the while Pushing through the darkness still another mile I believe in angels Something good in everything I see I believe in angels When I know the time is right for me I ll cross the stream I have a dream I ll cross the stream I have a dream I have a dream a song to sing To help me cope with anything If you see the wonder of a fairy tale You can take the future even if you fail I believe in angels Something good in everything I see I believe in angels When I know the time is right for me I ll cross the stream I have a dream 为为为为 不重复不重复不重复不重复 而而而而变化变化变化变化的后果的后果的后果的后果 I believe in angels When I know the time is right for me I ll cross the stream I have a dream I ll cross the brook I have a fantasy I have an illusion a song to sing To help me cope with anything If you see the wonder of a fairy tale You can take the future even if you fail I believe in fairies Something good in everything I see I believe in messengers of God When I know the time is right for me I ll cross the creek I have a reverie I believe in angels I have a dream Lincoln of the people by the people for the people James Joyce and yes I said yes I will Yes Enough is enough Gertrude Stein He had been nicely faithful In being one he was one who had he been one continuing would not have been one continuing being nicely faithful He was one continuing he was not continuing to be nicely faithful In continuing he was being one being the one who was saying good good excellent but in continuing he was needing that he was believing that he was aspiring to be one continuing to be able to be saying good good excellent Editor s comment Being only one having only one pair of eyes having only one time having only one life I cannot read your MS three or four times Not even one time Only one look only one look is enough Hardly one copy would sell here Hardly one Hardly one Bring Clarity to Writing Have you ever read an email from someone that was too wordy lacked focus and left you confused How can we learn from reading such e