Cabin Pressure - Abu Dhabi.doc

Cabin Pressure Series 1, Episode 1 Abu Dhabi (Bing-Bong)DOUGLAS: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, First Officer Douglas Richardson here. Just to let you know, were making our final approach now into what I am fairly sure is Fitton airfield.unless its a farm.or just possibly the A45. Its not the sea, because thats blue. I should perhaps explain that Captain Crieff and I have a sportsman-like little bet on today about who can fly the best after drinking a litre of Vodka through a straw. The Captain went first. You may have noticed the takeoff run was a little bumpy, particularly over the golf course. Now its me to land, just as soon as I decide, which of these two runaways to aim for. And Im happy to tell you that I feel lucky. So on behalf of all your crew today, may I just say, geronimo!Opening Credit (by BC) - This week, Abu Dhabi!MARTIN: Blessed.DOUGLAS: Ah, yes, of course. May! MARTIN: Hmm, yup. Cant!ARTHUR: Here we are, gents. Coffee with nothing in it. Tea with everything in it. Great cabin address, Douglas? I love cargo flights.DOUGLAS: Thank you, Arthur.MARTIN: Ooh, Eno?DOUGLAS: Ooh, Eno?MARTIN: Ooh, Eno.DOUGLAS: Ah.yes! Sewell.ARTHUR: Oh, what are we playing?MARTIN: Brians of Britain.ARTHUR: Then there must be loads of them! Uh, um. DOUGLAS: Well, not to worry, as they come to you.ARTHUR: Oh, whos that guy? Hm, oh, gray haired, did that game show, Can I have a P please, Bob? Uh.whats his name?DOUGLAS: Your hope being that it was Brian.?ARTHUR: Yeah, Brian.Uh.Brian.MARTIN: Bob Holness. It was Bob Holness.ARTHUR: Thats it! Oh.Well, does he count anyway?DOUGLAS: Does Bob Holness count in our list of people called Brian. What the hell, yes, he does. Well done!(over the intercom)Tower: Golf-Tango-India, expect twenty min delay due runway inspection. Enter the hold at arden. Maintain seven thousand feet.MARTIN: Golf-Tango-India, Roger. Hold at arden. Maintain seven thousand feet. Can you confirm delay only twenty minutes?Tower: (exhales) Probably.All depends, really. MARTIN: Thank you, Tower. Hugely informative as ever. Out. (turns off the intercom) Sorry, chaps, looks like wed better divert to Bristol.ARTHUR: Bristol? Why?MARTIN: Fittons got a runway closure. Wed have to hold for twenty minutesARTHUR: But Bristol, thats miles away.MARTIN: Yes.Luckily enough though, we are in an aeroplane, specially designed to be good at going miles away quite quickly.ARTHUR: Yeah.But my cars at Fitton.MARTIN: Oh, well then, let us, by all means, circle round it until we drop out of the sky.DOUGLAS: Do you know, Martin, all these years and Ive never been to Bristol?MARTIN: Well get ready for a treat. DOUGLAS: I dont know. I was rather hoping not to break my duck.ARTHUR: Skip, are you sure theres not enough fuel to wait, because theres always a little bit left when the guage shows red.MARTIN: Yes, oddly enough, Arthur, a jet aircraft isnt as precisely similar to a Vauxhall Corsa as a stupid person might imagine. Were going to Bristol.ARTHUR: What do you reckon, Douglas?DOUGLAS: We could go to Bristol, I believe. People do. However, weve easily enough fuel spare to hold for twenty minutes, maybe even thirty.MARTIN: Yeah, Im sorry, but we are diverting.ARTHUR: Yeah, hang on a tick though, If Douglas reckons twenty minutes.MARTIN: No, lets not hang on a tick. Lets listen to the Captain, shall we?DOUGLAS: Of course, Martin, if you say we divert, then divert we shall.MARTIN: Thank you.DOUGLAS: Unless of course we were to smell smoke in the flight deck.MARTIN: What?DOUGLAS: Im just saying, if by any remote chance, we smelt smoke in the flight deck, we would of course be duty-bound to land at the nearest available airfield with immediate priority. In this case, by a happy coincidence, Fitton. MARTIN: Yes, maybe. But I dont smell smoke in the flight deck. DOUGLAS: (lighting a match) How about now?MARTIN: What are you suggesting, Douglas?DOUGLAS: We tell the Tower we smell smoke which we do. We get to land straight away. They check the aircraft. Dont find anything. One of the lifes little mysteries, but jolly good boys for taking no chances. Everybody is happy, and theres jam for tea. ARTHUR: Right. Thats, you know, thats really clever. MARTIN: No! Im sorry, but absolutely not.DOUGLAS: I used to do it all the time at Air England.MARTIN: Well, youre not at Air England now. Where you are now, is in a co-pilot seat, and on the way to Bristol. Youll like it. They have a lovely suspension bridge. DOUGLAS: Well.Shall I just sat-com Carolyn before we make our final decision. Its rather an expensive diversion.MARTIN: No! We have made our final decision. I have decided. And as Carolyn knows, whilst in flight, I am supreme commander of this vessel.DOUGLAS: Golly! Captain Bligh flies again.MARTIN: Douglas, I am not impressed by your Air England mates. When you are on Captain Blighs aircraft, you could do it his way. But when youre on mine, you do it mine. Is that understood?DOUGLAS: Yes.MARTIN: Yes what?DOUGLAS: Yes, it is.MARTIN: Yes, it is what?DOUGLAS: Yes, it is understoodMARTIN: Yes, it is understood, what?DOUGLAS: Yes, it is understood, please.MARTIN: Im waiting.DOUGLAS: Martin, youre not seriously asking me to call you Sir?MARTIN: Yes, I am. Why is that so hard to believe?DOUGLAS: Well, to select just one reason from the fifteen or sixteen that present themselves, Im old enough to be your father.MARTIN: Not unless you started very young.DOUGLAS: I did.MARTIN: Right. Well, I think your age and your previous role is giving you a rather skewed view of the chain of authority on this aircraft. Maybe a little observation of the formalities would help remind you which one of us is still the Captain. So-is-that-understood?DOUGLAS: Yes.(pause) Sir.MARTIN: Thank you! (flip on the intercom) Fitton approach, Golf-Tango-India, in view of your delay, request diversion to Bristol.(Sound of a plane flying)CAROLYN: Martin, youre a berk.MARTIN: Im not a berk, Carolyn. Im an airline captain.CAROLYN: Wrong on both accounts. Youre a colossal berk and you are not an airline captain. I dont have an airline. I have one jet. You cannot put one jet in a line. If MJN is anything, it is an air dot.MARTIN: Look, Im sorry, Carolyn, but I cant just magic up extra fuel.CAROLYN: Yes, and I cant just magic up seven thousand pounds to spend on you taking a scenic tour of the west country. And where were you in all this, Douglas? Dont tell me you voluntarily went to Bristol.DOUGLAS: I did suggest an alternative plan to Sir, Carolyn. But Sir quite properly reminded me that Sir is in command and we should all obey Sir at all times.CAROLYN: Who reminded you?DOUGLAS: Captain Crieff, or as Im privileged to call him, Sir.CAROLYN: Martin, you are many things, but believe me, you are not Sir. If anyone is Sir, I am Sir. And as Sir, Im telling you from now on diversions are out. MARTIN: I see, so if an engine catches fire on takeoff, shrug shoulders, keep upper lip stiff, and press on for Portugal. Got it!CAROLYN: All right, biggles, you divert if something goes very, very seriously wrong, and Im talking, Oh, dear, surely we had two wings when we started wrong. Otherwise, otherwise you press on like a brave little soldier and you stop treating my company as a bottomless money pit. MARTIN: That is completely unfair.CAROLYN: Is that right? Ill tell you what then, why dont you explain to me why you have the cargo hold heated at thirty degrees all trip?MARTIN: Did we?CAROLYN: Didnt you even know?MARTIN: Well, the thermostats in the hold, you see. CAROLYN: You are allowed to look in there when you do the walk-around, you know. Its not a secret. Do you know how much it costs to keep a large metal room toasty warm thirty thousand feet up in the air. It is surprisingly pricey. So listen, next Thursday, you are going to Abu Dhabi, and you are going cheap. You will fly the most no-frills, most cost effective plane it is possible to fly. You will make easy jet look like Air Force One. Understood?MARTIN: Yes, Carolyn.DOUGLAS: And who are the lucky passengers on Scrooge McDuck Air.CAROLYN: No passengers. Some oil exec has moved out there, and were bringing them everything he owns, furniture, clothes, carpets, cat, the lot.MARTIN: All right, what times the pickup?CAROLYN: Theres not going to be, a pick-up.MARTIN: What?CAROLYN: Well you remember that thing I said fifteen seconds ago about no frills? Well, astonishingly thats still in effect. There will be no taxies. Youll get to my house at 6:30 and Ill drive you. MARTIN: No! No, no, no, no! Im sorry, Carolyn. You simply cant treat us like this.CAROLYN: Fine, then do by all means, feel free to resign, Martin, and take a job with one of the many companies eager to sign up the only commercial pilot in the skies who took seven goes to get his licence. MARTIN: Look, Carolyn, you cannot penalise me for taking a rational command decision based on reasonable air safety concerns.CAROLYN: Yes, I can.MARTIN: Well, technically you can, but.CAROLYN: Good! Then technically I will. Now please, go and be somewhere else.DOUGLAS: Well done, Sir. Thats her told.(Carolyn is washing her dog in the bath room)ARTHUR: (knocks at the door) Morning, Mum. Can I come in?CAROLYN: Do you have coffee?ARTHUR: (answers outside the door) Yes.CAROLYN: Can I have the coffee without talking to you?ARTHUR: (answers outside the door) Not really.CAROLYN: (sighs) Oh, come in then.ARTHUR: Here you go (passes over the coffee). Do you need a hand?CAROLYN: Yes, pass me the shampoo and catch hold of this. All right, good girl.(dog barking) Oh.Whos going to be a lovely clean doggy!ARTHUR: You know the chapsll be here soon, dont you? CAROLYN: What time is it?ARTHUR: 6:15. Oh, damn.CAROLYN: What?ARTHUR: Im trying to train myself always to talk in 24 hour clock like Martin. But I keep forgetting. CAROLYN: What should you have said?ARTHUR: Well, 6:15. But not the 6:15 I was thinking of. You see, I was thinking of one theres two of. But when you do it right, there should only be one. And what I was.CAROLYN: Arthur.Arthur, Arthur, light of my life. Do please shut up.ARTHUR: Right. Yes, sorry, sorry.Mum, Im just so excited about that trip.CAROLYN: Arthur, youve been on hundreds of trips. Hasnt that novelty worn off a little?ARTHUR: No, never! Its just always exciting. That amazing moment when twelve tons of metal leaves the earth, and no one knows why.CAROLYN: Yes, we do.ARTHUR: Yeah, but, you know.Not really. I mean, we know you need wings and engines and. a sticky up bit on the end for some reason. But its not like we actually know why a plane stays in the air.CAROLYN: No! No, Arthur, we really do. We, we do. We do know that.ARTHUR: Oh, how then?CAROLYN: Well! Er, because.will you give me that towel? Yup, okay, okay, good doggy, keep still (the dog whimpers and struggles). Hmm, because, therere four forces acting on the plane, and so long as two of them are bigger than the other two, the plane flies.ARTHUR: Mum, I dont mind that no one knows.CAROLYN: But we do! We do! Thats it, what I said. Thats how.ARTHUR: Well, what are the four forces then?CAROLYN: Yes! Well, I will tell you what they are, lift, weight, er.ARTHUR: Up and down?CAROLYN: No, no, no, no, no.Those, those, those are up and down. No, its lift, weight.ARTHUR: Left and right?CAROLYN: No, no, no, no.Lift, weight.ARTHUR: Engines?CAROLYN: No, no.Well, yes, yes, yes.sort of. Um, thrust, thrust.Lift, weight, thrust, and. ARTHUR: Time?!CAROLYN: Drag! Lift, weight, thrust and drag. So the weight and drg are overcome, because the engines give the plane thrust and the wings give it lift. And thats-how-a-plane-flies.ARTHUR: How do the wings give it lift?CAROLYN: What?ARTHUR: The wings are really heavy. How does bolting two ginormous lumps of metal to a ginormous lump of metal give it lift?CAROLYN: Oh, because they are wings. Theyre like birds wings.ARTHUR: Yeah, but birds wings flap. Ours dont flap. Theyve got flaps, but I once watched the flaps, all the way to Stockholm. And take it from me, theyre seriously misnamed. So, so why does having wings make the plane leave the runway?CAROLYN: (not knowing how to answer, and the door bell rings) Ah.Theyre here. Now go and wait in the car with them. I need to clean my teeth.ARTHUR: Yeah, but how do the wings.CAROLYN: Answer the door!ARTHUR: Okay, Im going. Im going. (slams the door)CAROLYN: (the dog whimpers) There we are. Snoopadoo, whos a lovely clean girl. Hoho, go free. (The dog runs away.)ARTHUR: (opens the door) Hi, there, Douglas.DOUGLAS: Morning, Arthur. You are revoltingly chirpy for half six in the morning. Wheres your mother?ARTHUR: Shes just brushing her teeth. She says to wait for her in the car. (opens the car door) Uh, wheres Martin?DOUGLAS: Who can predict the movements of the supreme commander? Perhaps God wanted to pick his brains about something.ARTHUR: How do you mean?DOUGLAS: Never mind. Ah, whats this. (Martin approaches) Who is this commanding presence hoving into view? Can it be Sir? It can.MARTIN: Morning.(not cheerfully)DOUGLAS: Greetings, oh, Sir.MARTIN: Dont call me Sir, Douglas.DOUGLAS: Sirs mind is fickle and changeable. I shall endeavor to remember, Sir, but from time to time, my natural awe at the majestic figure cut by Sir may bubble up, uncontrollably here. And.MARTIN: Thank you, Douglas. Truly youre an hilarious pilot. Wheres Carolyn?DOUGLAS: Sharpening her teeth.ARTHUR: Brushing.DOUGLAS: Brushing her teeth. Yes, sorry. Well, in you get then, Sir of Sirs. You are letting the cold in.MARTIN: I cant. You are in my seat.DOUGLAS: Your seat? You have a seat?MARTIN: Yes.DOUGLAS: In Carolyns car?MARTIN: The front seat is my seat.DOUGLAS: What? Did you call shot gun?MARTIN: Didnt need to call a shot gun. Im the Captain.DOUGLAS: The Captain gets the front seat in the aircraft, Martin, because hes driving it, not in any vehicle he happens to be in.MARTIN: I always sit in the front seat in a taxi.DOUGLAS: Only because the taxi goes to your house first. This time I got here first and so here I am, voila.ARTHUR: Tell you what, if it makes it easier, I can go in the front.DOUGLAS & MARTIN: Shut up, Arthur.ARTHUR: Right.MARTIN: Douglas, Ive got to do the briefing. How am I supposed to give the briefing from the back seat?DOUGLAS: Ill still be able to hear you. Ill be in the same car, and everything. And, my legs are longer, yards longer.MARTIN: But, I dont.DOUGLAS: Oh, all right, Ill toss you for it.MARTIN: Hey, no, thats not fair. You know about me and coin tosses.DOUGLAS: Heads or tails?MARTIN: Oh, bloody hell, tails then.DOUGLAS: (toss a coin) Oh, thats odd. MARTIN: Did I win?DOUGLAS: (Sighs) Uh.MARTIN: Did I actually win? That never happens. Thats the first time in a run of about five hundred.DOUGLAS: Oh, just get on with it.MARTIN: (changes the seat and enjoys) Oh, now, that is nice. Comfy. Ah.Now, listen up, chaps, here is the briefing, fairly straightforward. Weather is good . Clear skies expected in Abu Dhabi. Our alternate is Dubai. Ill operate out. Douglas, youll operate back. Trust thats all clear?DOUGLAS: Aye, aye, Captain Ahab.MARTIN: I Suppose hes a friend of Captain blighs, is he?DOUGLAS: The three of you should go for a drink sometime.(Carolyn comes and enters the car.)CAROLYN: Ok, team useless. Were late.MARTIN: But, that because you were.CAROLYN: Shut up and listen, heres your briefing. Douglas will operate out, Martin back. Clear skies at Abu Dhabi. Your alternate is Bahrain.MARTIN: Carolyn, Ive already done.CAROLYN: No, really, shut up and listen. Alternate Bahrain, but of course you dont need an alternate. Because today is the day we try running MJN as a profitable business, rather than a charitable sanctuary for rubbish pilots. Oh, no, wait, wait, wait a minute. Martin, swap seats with Douglas. MARTIN: What?CAROLYN: Hes too tall. I cant see out of the back window. Now, come on, chop, chop!MARTIN: I dont believe.CAROLYN: Im going to count to one.One! (The two swap the seats)DOUGLAS: Look at all this lot, carpets, vases and a storage heater.MARTIN: Why would he want a storage heater in Abu Dhabi?DOUGLAS: Well, there is a lot of heat to storeMARTIN: Right, were done. Arthur, were done.ARTHUR: Coming, Skipper (outside the door).MARTIN: What are you doing back there?ARTHUR: Trying to soothe the cat. (sound of cat miaowing, screaming and biting) Ah.MARTIN: God! What happened?ARTHUR: I.failed.DOUGLAS: Good heavens, are you all right?ARTHUR: I think so. Hes sweet, really. He was just playing.MARTIN: At what, being a leopard?DOUGLAS: I wouldnt have thought he could get his paws through the bars?ARTHUR: Nor did I. He really can, though.MARTIN: Do you want to go and sew yourself back together?ARTHUR: No, Im fine. Ish, are, are we done?DOUGLAS: It seems so. And now its back to the boring old plane flying.ARTHUR: Oh, yes, about that, um, I wanted to ask you something, Skipper. Mum was telling me this morning the planes fly because theyve got wings.DOUGLAS: Is there anything that woman doesnt know?ARTHUR: But she didnt really explain, why the wings lift us up.DOUGLAS: Ah, well, essentially.MARTIN: Uh, Douglas, he asked me. Listen carefully, Arthur. The wing is curved on top but flat on the bottom. When it meets the air, its split in two. The air that goes over the top has further to go, so it has to