幸福在哪里？中英互译

Iusedtothinkthewholepurposeoflifewaspursuinghappiness.Everyonesaidthepathtohappinesswassuccess,soIsearchedforthatidealjob,thatperfectboyfriend,thatbeautifulapartment.Butinsteadofeverfeelingfulfilled,Ifeltanxiousandadrift.AndIwasn’talone;myfriends—theystruggledwiththis,too.

Eventually,Idecidedtogotograduateschoolforpositivepsychologytolearn

whattrulymakespeoplehappy.ButwhatIdiscoveredtherechangedmylife.Thedatashowedthatchasinghappinesscanmakepeopleunhappy.Andwhatreallystruckmewasthis:thesuicideratehasbeenrisingaroundtheworld,anditrecentlyreacheda30-yearhighinAmerica.

Eventhoughlifeisgettingobjectivelybetterbynearlyeveryconceivablestandard,morepeoplefeelhopeless,depressedandalone.

There’sanemptinessgnawingawayatpeople,andyoudon'thavetobeclinicallydepressedtofeelit.Soonerorlater,Ithinkweallwonder:Isthisallthereis?Andaccordingtotheresearch,whatpredictsthisdespairisnotalackofhappiness.It’salackofsomethingelse,

alackofhavingmeaninginlife.

Butthatraisedsomequestionsforme.Istheremoretolifethanbeinghappy?Andwhat’sthedifferencebetweenbeinghappyandhavingmeaninginlife?Manypsychologistsdefinehappinessasastateofcomfortandease,feelinggoodinthemoment.Meaning,though,isdeeper.TherenownedpsychologistMartinSeligmansays

meaningcomesfrombelongingtoandservingsomethingbeyondyourselfandfromdevelopingthebestwithinyou.Ourcultureisobsessedwithhappiness,butIcametoseethatseekingmeaningisthemorefulfillingpath.Andthestudiesshowthatpeoplewhohavemeaninginlife,they'remoreresilient,theydobetterinschoolandatwork,andtheyevenlivelonger.

Sothisallmademewonder:

Howcanweeachlivemoremeaningfully?

Tofindout,Ispentfiveyearsinterviewinghundredsofpeopleandreadingthroughthousandsofpagesofpsychology,neuroscienceandphilosophy.Bringingitalltogether,Ifoundthat

therearewhatIcallfourpillarsofameaningfullife.Andwecaneachcreatelivesofmeaningbybuildingsomeorallofthesepillarsinourlives.

Thefirstpillarisbelonging.

Belongingcomesfrombeinginrelationshipswhereyou'revaluedforwhoyouareintrinsicallyandwhereyouvalueothersaswell.Butsomegroupsandrelationshipsdeliveracheapformofbelonging;you'revaluedforwhatyoubelieve,forwhoyouhate,notforwhoyouare.

Truebelongingspringsfromlove.

Itlivesinmomentsamongindividuals,andit’sachoice—youcanchoosetocultivatebelongingwithothers.

Here’sanexample.Eachmorning,myfriendJonathanbuysanewspaperfromthesamestreetvendorinNewYork.Theydon’tjustconductatransaction,though.Theytakeamomenttoslowdown,talk,andtreateachotherlikehumans.Butonetime,Jonathandidn’thavetherightchange,andthevendorsaid,“Don’tworryaboutit.”ButJonathaninsistedonpaying,sohewenttothestoreandboughtsomethinghedidn’tneedtomakechange.Butwhenhegavethemoneytothevendor,thevendordrewback.Hewashurt.Hewastryingtodosomethingkind,butJonathanhadrejectedhim.

Ithink

weallrejectpeopleinsmallwayslikethiswithoutrealizingit.Ido.I’llwalkbysomeoneIknowandbarelyacknowledgethem.I’llcheckmyphonewhensomeone’stalkingtome.Theseactsdevalueothers.Theymakethemfeelinvisibleandunworthy.

Butwhenyouleadwithlove,youcreateabondthatliftseachofyouup.

Formanypeople,belongingisthemostessentialsourceofmeaning,thosebondstofamilyandfriends.Forothers,thekeytomeaningisthesecondpillar:purpose.

Now,findingyourpurposeisnotthesamethingasfindingthatjobthatmakesyouhappy.

Purposeislessaboutwhatyouwantthanaboutwhatyougive.

Ahospitalcustodiantoldmeherpurposeishealingsickpeople.Manyparentstellme,“Mypurposeisraisingmychildren.”Thekeytopurposeisusingyourstrengthstoserveothers.Ofcourse,formanyofus,thathappensthroughwork.That’showwecontributeandfeelneeded.Butthatalsomeansthatissueslikedisengagementatwork,unemployment,lowlaborforceparticipation—thesearen’tjusteconomicproblems,they’reexistentialones,too.

Withoutsomethingworthwhiletodo,peopleflounder.

Ofcourse,youdon’thavetofindpurposeatwork,butpurposegivesyousomethingtolivefor,some“why”thatdrivesyouforward.

Thethirdpillarofmeaningisalsoaboutsteppingbeyondyourself,butinacompletelydifferentway:transcendence.

Transcendentstatesarethoseraremomentswhenyou’reliftedabovethehustleandbustleofdailylife,yoursenseofselffadesaway,andyoufeelconnectedtoahigherreality.ForonepersonItalkedto,transcendencecamefromseeingart.Foranotherperson,itwasatchurch.Forme,I’mawriter,andithappensthroughwriting.SometimesIgetsointhezonethatIloseallsenseoftimeandplace.Thesetranscendentexperiencescanchangeyou.Onestudyhadstudentslookupat200-feet-talleucalyptustreesforoneminute.Butafterwardstheyfeltlessself-centered,andtheyevenbehavedmoregenerouslywhengiventhechancetohelpsomeone.

Belonging,purpose,transcendence.Now,thefourthpillarofmeaning,I’vefound,tendstosurprisepeople.

Thefourthpillarisstorytelling,thestoryyoutellyourselfaboutyourself.

Creatinganarrativefromtheeventsofyourlifebringsclarity.Ithelpsyouunderstandhowyoubecameyou.Butwedon’talwaysrealizethat

we’retheauthorsofourstoriesandcanchangethewaywe’retellingthem.Yourlifeisn’tjustalistofevents.Youcanedit,interpretandretellyourstory,evenasyou’reconstrainedbythefacts.

ImetayoungmannamedEmeka,who’dbeenparalyzedplayingfootball.Afterhisinjury,Emekatoldhimself,“Mylifewasgreatplayingfootball,butnowlookatme.”Peoplewhotellstorieslikethis—“Mylifewasgood.Nowit’sbad.”—tendtobemoreanxiousanddepressed.AndthatwasEmekaforawhile.Butwithtime,hestartedtoweaveadifferentstory.Hisnewstorywas,“Beforemyinjury,mylifewaspurposeless.Ipartiedalotandwasaprettyselfishguy.ButmyinjurymademerealizeIcouldbeabetterman.”ThatedittohisstorychangedEmeka’slife.Aftertellingthenewstorytohimself,Emekastartedmentoringkids,andhediscoveredwhathispurposewas:servingothers.ThepsychologistDanMcAdamscallsthisa“redemptivestory,”wherethebadisredeemedbythegood.Peopleleadingmeaningfullives,he’sfound,tendtotellstoriesabouttheirlivesdefinedbyredemption,growthandlove.

Butwhatmakespeoplechangetheirstories?

Somepeoplegethelpfromatherapist,butyoucandoitonyourown,too,justbyreflectingonyourlifethoughtfully,howyourdefiningexperiencesshapedyou,whatyoulost,whatyougained.That’swhatEmekadid.Youwon’tchangeyourstoryovernight;itcouldtakeyearsandbepainful.Afterall,we’veallsuffered,andweallstruggle.

Butembracingthosepainfulmemoriescanleadtonewinsightsandwisdom,tofindingthatgoodthatsustainsyou.

Belonging,purpose,transcendence,storytelling:thosearethefourpillarsofmeaning.WhenIwasyounger,Iwasluckyenoughtobesurroundedbyallofthepillars.MyparentsranaSufimeetinghousefromourhomeinMontreal.SufismisaspiritualpracticeassociatedwiththewhirlingdervishesandthepoetRumi.Twiceaweek,Sufiswouldcometoourhometomeditate,drinkPersiantea,andsharestories.Theirpracticealsoinvolvedservingallofcreationthroughsmallactsoflove,whichmeantbeingkindevenwhenpeoplewrongedyou.Butitgavethemapurpose:toreinintheego.

Eventually,IlefthomeforcollegeandwithoutthedailygroundingofSufisminmylife,Ifeltunmoored.AndIstartedsearchingforthosethingsthatmakelifeworthliving.That’swhatsetmeonthisjourney.Lookingback,InowrealizethattheSufihousehadarealcultureofmeaning.

Thepillarswerepartofthearchitecture,andthepresenceofthepillarshelpedusalllivemoredeeply.

Ofcourse,thesameprincipleappliesinotherstrongcommunitiesaswell—goodonesandbadones.

Gangs,cults:theseareculturesofmeaningthatusethepillarsandgivepeoplesomethingtoliveanddiefor.

Butthat’sexactlywhyweasasocietymustofferbetteralternatives.

Weneedtobuildthesepillarswithinourfamiliesandourinstitutionstohelppeoplebecometheirbestselves.

Butlivingameaningfullifetakeswork.It’sanongoingprocess.Aseachdaygoesby,we’reconstantlycreatingourlives,addingtoourstory.Andsometimeswecangetofftrack.

Wheneverthathappenstome,IrememberapowerfulexperienceIhadwithmyfather.SeveralmonthsafterIgraduatedfromcollege,