研究生英语写作 第二次课

研究生英语写作（II）左雁北京物资学院外语学院

Wordiness

ThoughtfortheDay “Themostvaluableofalltalentsisneverusingtwowordswhenonewilldo.” --ThomasJefferson(1743-1826),AmericanPresidentandwriteroftheDeclarationofIndependenceCuttheFatGoodwritingissimple,directandleanPoorwritingisconfounded,roundaboutandfatTenThingstoThinkaboutwhenBuyingaHouse Butthat’snotall.Yetanotheroneofthemostimportantfactorstoconsiderwhenbuyinganewhome:Obviously,thesinglemostimportantthingtoconsiderwhenbuyinganewhomeforyourselfisprice.Ifyoucan’taffordaplacetobeginwith,thenwhatisthewholepointinoverpayingforsomethingyoucan’tevenafford?Thisquestionisprobablyoneofthebiggestquestionsmostpeoplefacewhenbuyinganewhome.Whichwordsorphraseswouldyoucutfromthisparagraph?(pleasenotethatthisparagraphwouldappearsomewhereinthemiddleofanessay.)

Watchyourteachercut41wordsoffatfromthis75wordparagraphintoaleanandmean34words! Butthat’snotall.Yetanotheroneofthemostimportantfactorstoconsiderwhenbuyinganewhome:Obviously,thesinglemostimportantthingtoconsiderwhenbuyinganewhomeforyourselfisprice.Ifyoucan’taffordaplacetobeginwith,thenwhatisthewholepointinoverpayingforsomethingyoucan’tevenafford?Thisquestionisprobablyoneofthebiggestquestionsmostpeoplefacewhenbuyinganewhome.Ifit’sobvious,thenit’sobviousrepetitiverepetitiveWhoelsewoulditbefor?unnecessaryrepetitiverepetitiveRepetitionofthetitleTenThingstoThinkaboutwhenBuyingaHouseBefore&AfterComparison HereI’dliketointroducetoyouthemostimportantfactorstoconsiderwhenbuyinganewhome:Obviously,thesinglemostimportantthingtoconsiderwhenbuyinganewhomeforyourselfisprice.Ifyoucan’taffordaplacetobeginwith,thenwhatisthewholepointinoverpayingforsomethingyoucan’tevenafford?Thisquestionisprobablyoneofthebiggestquestionsmostpeoplefacewhenbuyinganewhome.--75words Themostimportantthingisprice,andifyoucan’taffordaplacetobeginwith,thenwhatisthepointinoverpaying?Thisquestionisprobablyoneofthebiggestmostpeopleface.--34wordsNotenoughdevelopmentforaparagraph.Thewriterneedstosaymore;givedetails/examplesWordyWords

Somewordsthatcanoftenbetossed intotherubbishbin:

Imyself actually basically really definitely quite very just obviously kindof sortof generally

always thefactthat infact duetothefactthat thereasonwhyisbecause beingthat inwhich itcanbeseenthat itisclearthat lastbutnotleast Ithink/believe/feel InmyopinionThe‘uhh”s,“emm”s“nege”sofwrittenlanguageThebasicreasonI’moverweightisbecauseI’mlazy.I’moverweightbecauseI’mlazyIjustdon’tunderstandwhymybrotherisverymeantome.Idon’tunderstandwhymybrotherismeantome.Ibelievethatafriendinneedisafriendindeed.Afriendinneedisafriendindeed.I’mmoreforgetfulduetothefactthatI’mgettingolder.I’mmoreforgetfulasIgetolder.Itcanbeseenthatwomenaresmarterthanmen.Womenaresmarterthanmen.HohhotisthecityinwhichIwasborn.IwasborninHohhot.MyleghurtsduetothefactthatIwasrunoverbyacar.MyleghurtsbecauseIwasrunoverbyacar.Isortoffeelthatthefoodtastedkindofdisgusting.Thefoodtasteddisgusting.Heshouldn’thavehither,beingthatshe’sawoman.Heshouldn’thavehitawoman.It’sreallyquitewonderfulthatwe’vebecomefriends.It’swonderfulthatwe’vebecomefriends.

Rewritethesentencesbyeliminatinganyunnecessarylanguage.Makesurethesentencesretaintheiroriginalmeaning. 1.Actually,Imyselfhavehadasimilarexperiencetohisexperience. 2.It’saveryentertainingfilmtowatch. 3.Thereasonyouaresoillisobviouslybecauseyouhaven’teatenanyfoodinthreedaysandnights. 4.ItisclearthateducationinFranceisawholelotbetterthaneducationinmostotherEuropeancountries. 5.Duetothereasonthatchildrenoftencopythebehaviorofallthepeoplearoundthem,weadultsneedtowatchoutforourveryownbehaviorthatmightcausethemtoimitateus.

6.Itisclearthatyouneedtoliveyourlifethewayyouwanttoliveyourlife. 7.InthisdiagramwecaneasilyseethatDVDsalesgoupinthemonthofNovember. 8.Childrenjustdon’tquiteunderstandthedifferencebetweenrightandwrongatsuchayoungage. 9.TheGreatWallofChinaiscertainlyoneofthegreatestandbiggestman-madestructuresevertohavebeenbuiltinallofhistory. 10.Lastbutnotleast,Iwouldliketosayonemorething:Ithinktelevisionisbadforyoureyes.Actually,Imyselfhavehadasimilarexperiencetohisexperience.

Ihavehadasimilarexperiencetohis.It’saveryentertainingfilmtowatch.

It’sanentertainingfilm.Thereasonyouaresoillisobviouslybecauseyouhaven’teatenanyfoodinthreedaysandnights.

You’resoillbecauseyouhaven’teateninthreedays.4.ItisclearthateducationinFranceisawholelotbetterthaneducationinmostotherEuropeancountries.

EducationinFranceisbetterthaninmostEuropean countries.Duetothereasonthatchildrenoftencopythebehaviorofallthepeoplearoundthem,weadultsneedtowatchoutforourveryownbehaviorthatmightcausethemtoimitateus.

Becausechildrenoftencopythebehaviorofthe peoplearoundthem,adultsneedtowatchtheirown behavior.Itisclearthatyouneedtoliveyourlifethewayyouwanttoliveyourlife.

Liveyourlifethewayyouwantto.7.InthisdiagramwecaneasilyseethatDVDsalesgoupinthemonthofNovember.

Inthisdiagram,DVDsalesgoupinNovember.8.Childrenjustdon’tquiteunderstandthedifferencebetweenrightandwrongatsuchayoungage.

Childrendon’tunderstandrightandwrong.9.TheGreatWallofChinaiscertainlyoneofthegreatestandbiggestman-madestructuresevertohavebeenbuiltinallofhistory.

TheGreatWallofChinaisoneofthegreatestmanmade structuresinhistory.10.Lastbutnotleast,Iwouldliketosayonemorething:Ithinktelevisionisbadforyoureyes.

Last,televisionisbadforyoureyes.ThreePoints Herearethreeareastowatchoutforineliminatingwordiness:1.EliminateThereis/are,andItis

atthebeginningofsentenceswheneverpossible2.Eliminateprepositional‘of’phrases3.ChangewholephrasesintosinglewordswheneverpossibleItis,Thereis,Thereare Avoidbeginningsentenceswiththesephraseswheneverpossiblebymovingthesubjecttothefrontofthesentenceinstead.Itisterribleisseethathappen.Seeingthathappenisterrible.Thereareonlysixstudentsinthisclass.Onlysixstudentsareinthisclass.TherearealotofstudentswholikestudyingEnglish.AlotofstudentslikestudyingEnglish.Thereisanoldsayingthatgoes“betterlatethannever.”Anoldsayinggoes,“betterlatethannever.”

Itistooearlytogotobed.(cannotchangethisconstruction)ChangePrepositional‘of’PhrasesWheneverPossibleTheopinionofmybossMyboss’opinionThehomeofherfamilyHerfamily’shomeTheideaofmineMyideaAfriendofmymotherMymother’sfriendAcityofInnerMongolia.AnInnerMongolianCity.ChangewholephrasesintoindividualwordswheneverpossibleSheisawomanwho…She…Thisisaconversationwhichisabout…Thisconversationisabout…OwingtothefactthatIlostmykeys…SinceIlostmykeysThequestionastowhetherheshouldgoornot…Whetherheshouldgoornot…Sheshoutedatmeinanangryway.Sheshoutedatmeangrily.Thetwoparagraphsbelowaretoowordy.Revisetheminyourjournalbyeliminatingandchanginglanguageyouthinkisunnecessary.

Bytheendoftheyear,itisbelievedthatthenumberofdogownersinBeijingwillrisequitedramatically.Therearealotofpeoplewhowillagreethatthenumberwillgoupalot.ThereisnodoubtthatChinesepeoplereallylovedogsbecausetheyaresocuteandlovely.Howmanytimeshaveyouwalkeddownthestreetandsaidtoyourself,‘Whatacooldog!IwishIhadoneofthoselovelyandcutedogs!’Youknowthatyoureallyadmiretheownerofthedogbecausethatlovelydogprobablybringshimsomuchhappiness. Onereallybigproblem,thoughismyhusband.Myhusbandisamanwhohatesdogs.Notonlydoeshehatethem,butheisallergictothem.Hehassuchaterribleandhorribletimearounddogsbecauseofhisallergies.Thedoctorofmyhusbandsaysthathisallergicreactiontodogsisnothingserious,buttheallergiescancausehimagreatamountofdiscomfort.Itissuchabadthingforhimtogothrough,soIknowthatintheendIwillneverbeabletohavemyowndogformyself.

CountyourWords!

Bytheendoftheyear,itisbelievedthatthenumberofdogownersinBeijingwillrisequitedramatically.Therearealotofpeoplewhowillagreethatthenumberwillgoupalot.

ThereisnodoubtthatChinesepeople

reallylovedogsbecausetheyaresocuteandlovely.Howmanytimeshaveyouwalkeddownthestreetandsaidtoyourself,‘Whatacooldog!IwishIhadoneofthose

lovelyandcutedogs!’Youknowthatyoureallyadmiretheownerofthedogbecausethatlovelydogprobablybringshimsomuchhappiness. Onereallybigproblem,thoughismyhusband.Myhusbandisamanwhohatesdogs.Notonlydoeshehatethem,butheisallergictothem.Hehassucha

terribleandhorribletimearounddogsbecauseofhisallergies.Thedoctorofmyhusbandsaysthat

hisallergicreaction

todogsisnothingserious,buttheallergiescancausehimagreatamountofdiscomfort.Itissuchabadthingforhimtogothrough,soIknowthatintheendIwillneverbeabletohavemyowndogformyself. Byyear’send, thenumberofBeijing’sdogownerswillrisedramatically. Chineselovedogsbecausetheyarecuteandlovely.Howmanytimeshaveyouwalkeddownthestreetandsaid, ‘Whatacooldog!IwishIhadone!’ Youadmirethedog’sownerbecauseitprobablybringshimsomuchhappiness.

Myhusband,whohatesdogsandisallergictothem,isabigproblem,though. Hehasahorribletimearoundthembecauseofhisallergies.Hisdoctorsayshisreactiontodogsisn’tserious,butitcancausediscomfort.Asaresult,IknowI’llneverownadog.

201103

Unit2（B）CriteriaofTranslation

原文：他昨天来过这儿了。译文I：Hecamehereyesterday.译文II：Yesterdayhecamehere．

原文：香港总督尤德爵士今晨于北京逝世。译文I：SirEdwardYoude，GovernorofHongKong,passedawayinBeijingthismorning．译文II：SirEdwardYoude，GovernorofHongKong,breathedhislastinBeijingthismorning．译文III：SirEdwardYoude，GovernorofHongKong,kickedthebucketinBeijingthismorning．

原文：瞧你像只落汤鸡！译文I：Youlooklikeabedraggedchicken!译文II：Youlooklikeadrownedrat!译文III：Look!You’rewetthrough．

原文：这是一篇八股文。译文I：Thisisabaguessay.译文II：Thisisaneight-leggedessay.译文III：Thisisastereotypedwriting.

原文：劳驾，去市场将怎么走?译文I：Excuseme,butcouldyoushowmethewaytoMarketStreet?译文II：Ibegyoupardon,sir.WillyoubesokindastotellmehowtoreachMarketStreet?译文III:Chap,tellmehowtogettoMarketStreet.

原文：骄阳下，柳树上，回答他的是一片“知了，知了”的蝉声。(毛炳甫《剥皮香蕉》)译文I：Underthescorchingsun,fromthewillowtree,cametheconfirmingreplyofthecicada’schirrup:“See,see….”

译文II：…camethecicada’schirruping,“zing-a-zing-a….”

译文III：…camethecicada’sreply,

“ISee,Isee….”

译文IV：…camethecicada’sreply,

“Iknow,Iknow….”

Translation

Game我满怀希望来参加会议，以为我们的改革一定会得到支持，但讨论来讨论去，还是外甥打灯笼照旧，未免大失所望。

原文分析我满怀希望来参加会议，||以为我们的改革目的

一定会得到支持，|但讨论来讨论去，|||还转折

因果是外甥打灯笼照旧，||未免大失所望。

因果时态选择

本句主要是叙事，议论针对具体事件而发，宜选用过去时态系统，以一般过去时为规范，必要时参照规范选用其他时态。

分步翻译：独立翻译1)Icametotheconferencewithgreatexpectation;2)Webelievedthatourreformwouldsurelywinfullsupport;3)However,itwasdiscussedanddiscussed;4)Theresultturnedouttobeayoungmanholdingalanterntoshowthewayforhismaternaluncle——butremainingattheoriginalpoint;5)Theresultfellshortofourexpectation.分步翻译：合并

Icametotheconferencewithgreatexpectation.Weweresurethatourreformwouldwinfullsupport.However,theresultfellshortoftheexpectation,fortherepeateddiscussionsturnedouttobetheyoungmanholdingalanterntoshowthewayforhismaternaluncle——butremainingattheoriginalpoint.(Ahalfliteral,halfliberaltranslation.)分步翻译：化简Sureofthefullsupportforourreform,Icametotheconference.However,myexpectationturnedouttobeinvain,fortherepeateddiscussiondidn’tproduceanyexpectedresult.分步翻译：调整

TheexpectationwithwhichIcametotheconferencethatourreformwouldwinfullsupportturnedouttobeinvainbytherepeatedfruitlessdiscussions.Practice

这位教授引经据典，反复阐释，许多学生仍感到不得要领，如坠入五里云雾。如此看来，深入浅出，乃教学之秘诀也。

原文分析这位教授引经据典，|||反复阐释，||许多并列转折

学生仍感到不得要领，||||如坠入五里云雾。|

因果因果如此看来，深入浅出，||乃教学之秘诀也。