《荷塘月色》多译文对比分析.doc

散文翻译：荷塘月色三种译文对比刘全福散文多以文字优美胜出，故而又称“美文”。所以“美”者，可表现于诸多方面：粗观之，能见其简洁精炼，流利畅达，朴素自然，音韵和谐；细审之，又见其或粗犷雄浑，严肃含蓄，细腻秀美，活泼晓畅，或粗犷细腻兼备，雄浑秀美互见，严肃活泼共存，晓畅含蓄俱在。总之，散文语言别有洞天，尽管有“小家碧玉”之名，但就风格而论，则远比繁缛铺张的小说多几分浓密和雕琢，而又比高贵典雅的诗歌多几分清淡和自然，一句话，散文美就美在俏丽，美又美在淡雅。在汉语散文的王国里，假如你要领略细腻的秀美，就去品一品朱自清的月朦胧，鸟朦胧，帘卷海棠红吧：“纸右一园月，淡淡的青光遍纸上：月的纯净柔软与平和，如一张睡美人的脸。花正盛开，红艳欲流；黄色的雄蕊历历的，闪闪的。衬托在丛绿之间，格外觉着妖娆了。”那片片花瓣上“欲流”的艳红，那娟美动人的海棠花蕊，足以撩人情思了。假如你要体验朴实平淡的况味，就再去望一望朱自清笔下父亲的背影吧：“我再向外看时，他已抱了朱红的橘子望回走了。过铁道时，他先将橘子散放在地上，自己慢慢爬下，再抱起橘子走。到这边时，我赶紧去搀他。他和我走到车上，将橘子一股脑儿放在我的皮大衣上。等他的背影混入来来往往的人里，再找不着了，我便进来坐下，我的眼泪又来了。”这里见不到恣意铺陈，也见不到重墨渲染，有的只是含蓄的白描，蕴藉的真情，而读来却耐人咀嚼，韵味无穷。假如你还想感动于节奏的魅力，则不妨诵一诵郁达夫笔端溢出的故都的秋韵：“在南方每年到了秋天，总要想起陶然亭的芦花，钓鱼台的柳影，西山的虫唱，玉泉的夜月，潭拓寺的钟声。”这畅达贯通的语势，这回环往复的乐音，如串串珠玑，旋动着明丽轻快的韵律。一般认为，散文最明显的特点是“散而不乱”：“形散”而“神不乱”。由于“形散”，便造就了语言的多样性，因“神不乱”，才吸引读者于色彩纷呈的语言中随着作者的笔迹去追寻作者审美的轨迹。至于散文翻译的要点，大概也就在于以多样化的语言之“形”来传达散居于语言之中的“神”了。关于汉语散文英译的方法，这里不想再多发议论，而只打算对朱自清的名篇荷塘月色中的几个段落的三种英文译文进行对比与讨论，以期从实例分析中窥见某些行之有效的翻译方法。荷塘月色创作于1927年，是作者早期的散文代表作。它虽然只描写了月下荷塘边散步的情景，但却因其语词精美、用笔缜密、脉络清晰、诗意隽永而令人爱不释手，实不愧为一篇典范性的抒情文章。如此评价并无些微言过之处，仅以写景状物为例，即可看出其中高妙的手腕：一潭了无生气的荷塘竟被描绘得如此美好动人，无论是静态的描写，还是动态的刻画，一切都那么富有诗意：羞涩的荷花、田田的荷叶、婆娑的姿态、朦胧的倩影，凡此等等，无不形神相济，令人心醉。此外，作者还以高超的手法将不少新颖且具“通感”效果的比喻运用于种种景物的描摹，如用小提琴奏出的名曲的旋律来描绘光与影的和谐，用远处高楼上缥缈的歌声来描绘荷花散发出屡屡清香。再还有作者遣词造句上所表现出的非凡功力：“静静地泄在这一片叶子和花上”、“薄薄的青雾浮起在荷塘里”、灌木“落下参差的斑驳的黑影”、柳影“象是画在荷叶上”，这些句子看来平易，然而“泄”、“浮”、“落”、“画”等精确、生动、形象的遣词却无不经过了一番刻意的锤炼。总之，荷塘月色一文之所以享有经久不衰的艺术魅力，也许就在于作者运用上述手法所营造的那种永远让人萦绕脑际的朦胧美：淡淡的月光，弥望的荷塘，薄薄的轻雾、参差的黑影、稀疏的倩影、阴阴的树丛、隐约的远山、笼着轻纱的梦所有这些，加之淡月、薄雾、烟霭、树阴、山影、轻纱、梦幻，凡此等等，都构成了的一幅光色似明非明、似暗非暗、阴影虚虚实实、影影绰绰的和谐宁静的图景。而所有这一切在翻译中也最是难以传达的：1这几天心里颇不宁静。2今晚在院子里坐着乘凉，忽然想起日日走过的荷塘，在这满月的光里，总该另有一番样子吧。3月亮渐渐地升高了，墙外马路上孩子们的欢笑，已经听不见了；妻在屋里拍着闰儿，迷迷糊糊地哼着眠歌。4我悄悄地披了大衫，带上门出去。朱纯深译文：1I have felt quite upset recently. 2Tonight, when I was sitting in the yard enjoying the cool, it occurred to me that the Lotus Pond, which I pass by everyday, must assume quite a different look in such moonlit night. 3A full moon was rising high in the sky; the laughter of children playing outside had died away; in the room, my wife was patting the son, Run-er, sleepily humming a cradle song. 4Shrugging on an overcoat, quietly, I made my way out, closing the door behind me.这里将开篇一句译为I have felt quite upset recently应该说很是到位，或至少对应了原文朴素的语言风格。然而有一点也许值得作进一步探讨：正如译者所言，作者为什么不用“我”来为全篇明确视点呢？其目的显然是要隐含“自我”，以利于创造一种积极的读者认同和读者参与，因为没有“我”的潜台词可以是“我已设定你认识我，但你不知道有关我这几天的心境，我给你说的就是这事”（朱纯深，1994）。既然这样，翻译中或许也应该有所体现的，比如使用非人称主语等：The last few days has found me quite upset.（见下文中国文学译文）但这样一来，是否又显得缺乏表现力呢？第2句的翻译涉及到汉英两种语言“形合与意合”、“分析与综合”等方面表意机制上的差异问题。原文深层结构上应该是一个复合句，译文基本上也是对原文结构的复写，只是根据需要将“日日走过的”这一前置定语译成了非限制性定语从句，这样一来整个句式便显得疏密有致，相当平稳。原文第3句为3个并列分句，翻译上无大难处。译者运用了“散珠”结构，and的省略使句子结构呈现为开放状态，这样更能衬托出四下里一片祥和的气氛。本句中还出现了两个双声词语，译者没有选择lullaby（摇篮曲）一词，也许在有意运用头韵手法（son-sleepy-song）来形成一种特殊的音韵，此外，sky-away，son-song也可以产生一种准韵的效果。在最后一句中，译者运用两个分词短语对作者披衣带门的动作进行了形象的再现，而且quietly一词的处理似乎超越了原文：不仅“悄悄地”披上大衣，而且“悄悄地”带上门并出了门。总体看来，整段译文是相当成功的：语意联贯，文从字顺，遣词精当，言简意美，一切基本上一如原文，而且同原文一样，译文通篇也没有出现太盛的词藻，所用大多为常见而富有表现力的灵活的小词，正是在这种朴实无华的如流水一样的行文中，原文所蕴涵的一切似乎都呼之欲出了。王椒升译文：1 Of late, I have been in a rather uneasy frame of mind. 2Sitting in my courtyard enjoying the cool evening, I suddenly thought of the lotus pond that I pass on my way day in and day out. Tonight, it must have a charm all its own, bathed in the light of the full moon. 3The moon was now rising slowly. Beyond the wall, the happy laughter of children on the road had died away. 4So putting on my coat quietly, I went out closing the door softly behind me. 不知何故，译者省略了“妻在屋里拍着闰儿，迷迷糊糊地哼着眠歌”一句，如此一来，最后一段便无法收场了。此外，整个译文虽然也基本上传达了原文的意义，但选词上却稍显拉杂，大多句子均以状语开头不免单调，而且行文上也给人一种阻断语气的感觉。当然译文中也有不少“亮点”：day in and day out表明作者在努力再现原文中的双声音韵效果，have a charm all its own很贴近原文意义，bathed一词颇能传达原文的深层意味，两个现在分词短语的运用也不乏传神之处，等等。中国文学译文：1The last few days have found me very restless. 2This evening as I sat in the yard to enjoy the cool, it struck me how different the lotus pool I pass every day must look under a full moon. 3The moon was sailing higher and higher up the heavens, the sound of childish laughter had died away from the lane beyond our wall, and my wife was in the house patting Runer and humming a lullaby to him. 4I quietly slipped on a long gown, and walked out leaving the door on the latch.译者开首一句选用非人称主语也许能够表现出一种更深层的含义，只是根据习惯应将have换成has，此外，restless更明显地表现为一种外在的不安，多用于表示“好动的”一义，因此可考虑换成upset等词语。第2句后半部分结构安排不甚合理，读上去不大顺口，应该说没能体现出原文简洁的语气。某些词语的选择也存在着问题，比如childish、on the latch等就太不准确，higher and higher up似乎太拘泥于原文。此外某些成分表达上也不甚到位，如“迷迷糊糊”一语的作用在于烘托蒙胧的气氛，略去不译显然会有损于原意。5沿着荷塘，是一条曲折的小煤屑路。6这是一条幽僻的路；白天也少人走，夜晚更加寂寞。7荷塘四面，长着许多树，蓊蓊郁郁的。8路的一旁，是些杨柳，和一些不知道名字的树。9没有月亮的晚上，这路上阴森森的，有些怕人。10今晚却很好，虽然月光也还是淡淡的。朱纯深译文：5Alongside the Lotus Pond runs a small cinder footpath. 67It is peaceful and secluded here, a place not frequented by pedestrians even in the daytime; now at night, it looks more solitary, in a lush, shady ambience of trees all around the pond. 8On the side where the path is, there are willows, interlaced with some others whose names I do not know. 910The foliage, which, in a moonless night, would loom somewhat frighteningly dark, looks very nice tonight, although the moonlight is not more than a thin, greyish veil.本段译文在选词用字上颇不乏精彩之笔。首先，所选run、frequent、interlace、loom等动词词义丰富，给人以动感，语义朦胧却又不乏明朗，表达上极富感染力。其次，形容词peaceful、secluded、solitary、lush、shady等意味深沉，能很好地衬托出原文的韵味，尤其是这些词语本身所具有的拟声意义（如s、sh等）更能传递出原文中通过摹状词语（“蓊蓊郁郁”等）所表现出的阴沉静谧的情境。此外，译文中还运用了原文中没有出现的贴切的比喻（a thin, greyish veil）通过化抽象为具体的手段再创了一种轻柔曼妙的美感。译文中当然也存在不足之处：一、忽略了第1句中的“曲折的”一语；二、将第8句中的“一些树”译为some others容易使人误解为some other willows。王椒升译文：56A path paved with coal-dust zigzags along the lotus pond, so secluded as to be little frequented in the daytime, to say nothing of its loneliness at night. 7Around the pond grows a profusion of luxuriant trees. 8On one side of the path are some willows and other plants whose names are unknown to me. 9On moonless nights, the place has a gloomy, somewhat forbidding appearance. 10But on this particular evening, it had a cheerful outlook, though the moon was pale.这段译文比较成功，比如第1句中的zigzag就将“曲折的”一词的意义动态化了，可称为佳译，但这里仅用一个动词来带动后面两个非谓语成分稍微会给人一种沉重的感觉。此外，最后两句中的谓语动词不一定都要使用have这一表现能力较弱的词语，这也是译文另一美中不足之处。中国文学译文：5A cinder-path winds along by the side of the pool. 6It is off the beaten track and few pass this way even by day, so at night it is still more quiet. 78Trees grow thick and bosky all around the pool, with willows and other trees I cannot name by the path. 910On nights when there is no moon the track is almost terrifyingly dark, but tonight it was quite clear, though the moonlight was pale.第1句中的by the side of似乎显得多余，但去掉以后句式上又有些单薄。本段译文有不少欠妥之处：more quiet改为quieter要更规范些；状语by the path的位置不甚理想；最后两句中的时态应改为一般现在时，因为作者所见所写就发生在“今晚”。总之这段译文在选词和句式选择上均存在不少问题。11曲曲折折的荷塘上面，弥望的是田田的叶子。12叶子出水很高，像亭亭的舞女的裙。13层层的叶子中间，零星地点缀着些白花，有袅娜地开着的，有羞涩地打着朵儿的；正如一粒粒的明珠，又如碧天里的星星，又如刚出浴的美人。14微风过处，送来缕缕清香，仿佛远处高楼上渺茫的歌声似的。15这时候叶子与花也有一丝的颤动，像闪电般，霎时传过荷塘的那边去了。16叶子本是肩并肩密密地挨着，这便宛然有了一道凝碧的波痕。17叶子底下是脉脉的流水，遮住了，不能见一些颜色；而叶子却更见风致了。朱纯深译文：1112All over this winding stretch of water, what meets the eye is a silken field of leaves, reaching rather high above the surface, like the skirts of dancing girls in all their grace. 13Here and there, layers of leaves are dotted with white lotus blossoms, some in demure bloom, others in shy bud, like scattering pearls, or twinkling stars, or beauties just out of the bath. 14A breeze stirs, sending over breaths of fragrance, like faint singing drifting from a distant building. 15At this moment, a tiny thrill shoots through the leaves and flowers, like a streak of lightning, straight across the forest of lotuses. 16The leaves, which have been standing shoulder to shoulder, are caught trembling in an emerald heave of the pond. 17Underneath, the exquisite water is covered from view, and none can tell its colour; yet the leaves on top project themselves all the more attractively.这是全文最精彩的一段，其中出现了10个双声词和4个叠韵词，各种形容词和副词的运用可谓妙不可言，此外还运用了不少具有“通感”意义的隐喻及明喻手法，加之排比、拟人等修辞手段的交错使用，整段文字行文错落有致，极富乐感，令人不期然地坠入一种如痴如醉的梦幻境界。译者将前两句合二为一，不仅通过逐层展开的方式呈现出一幅立体的画面，而且还保留了原有的比喻手法，并成功地再现了原文中的摹状效果。第13句中出现了两个排比结构，译者分别运用“散珠”和“连珠”进行了成功的再现，其中双声效果通过头韵（layers-leaves；with-white）及元韵（there-layers；lotus-blossoms）手法得以传达，平稳的句式及巧妙安排的音韵共同营造出一种幽雅恬静、清香秀美的意境。音韵效果在下面两句中更是巧妙：stirs-sending-singing；breeze-breaths-building；fragrance-faint-from；drifting-distant；sending-singing-building；sending-breaths；leaves-streak；streak-straight；leaves-like-lightning-lotuses，这些音韵手段所产生的听觉上的美妙效果无疑有助于传达原文的意境美。在第16句中，heave的双关语义（起伏、叹息）与emerald共同产生了“通感”效果，与此同时，“肩并肩挨着”所表现的拟人意义也随之得以创造性的再现。最后一句也处理得简繁有致：以underneath一词表示“叶子底下”甚是简洁，而from the view及on top则显得繁而不赘，此外，在本句中，project与“见”（see）相比更显意味深长，可作为成功选词的例子；最后，将“脉脉的流水，遮住了，不能见一些颜色”改译为the colours of the exquisite water is covered from view也许更简洁含蓄一些，但如此一来也许会破坏行文的节奏感。王椒升译文：1112On the uneven surface of the pond, all one could see was a mass of leaves, all interlaced and shooting high above the water like the skirts of slim dancing girls. 13The leaves were dotted in between the layers with white flowers, some blooming gracefully; others, as if bashfully, still in bud. They were like bright pearls and stars in an azure sky. 14Their subtle fragrance was wafted by the passing breeze, in whiffs airy as he notes of a song coming faintly from some distant tower. 15There was a tremor on leaf and flower, which, with the suddenness of lightning, soon drifted to the far end of the pond. 16The leaves, jostling and overlapping, produced, as it were, a wave of deep green. 17Under the leaves, softly hidden from view, water was rippling even its colour was not discernible so that the leaves looked more enchanting. 不知何故，译者从上一段最后一句开始突然无缘无故地将时态变成了一般过去时，这显然是不恰当的。事实上，作者通篇所描写的都应该是“今晚”眼前出现的荷塘四周的景象，时态的转换显然造成了时间上的错位，而时态的混用（he notes of）更容易产生混乱感。从整体上来看，这段译文处理得不甚理想：“又如刚出浴的美人”没有译出，两处排比结构也没有保留下来，这样自然会破坏行文的节奏，此外不少措词也不很恰当，凌乱的句式给人一种不协调的跳跃感。中国文学译文：1112As far as eye could see, the pool with its winding margin was covered with trim leaves, which rose high out of the water like the flared skirts of dancing girls. 13And starring these tiers of leaves were white lotus flowers, alluringly open or bashfully in bud, like glimmering pearls, stars in an azure sky, or beauties fresh from the bath. 14The breeze carried past gusts of fragrance, like the strains of a song faintly heard from a far-off tower. 15And leaves and blossoms trembled slightly, while in a flash the scent was carried away. 16As the closely serried leaves bent, a tide of opaque emerald could be glimpsed. 17That was the softly running water beneath, hidden from sight, its colour invisible, though the leaves looked more graceful than ever.译者也无端地将视角转向了过去，似乎眼前的一切均发生在以前，这显然有悖于事实。除此之外，本段译文在选词用字、句式安排、语义衔接等方面还是比较理想的，读者基本上能够从中感受到原文所蕴涵的奇美幽玄的意境。18月光如流水一般，静静地泻在这一片叶子和花上。19薄薄的青雾浮起在荷塘里。20叶子和花仿佛在牛乳中洗过一样；又像笼着轻纱的梦。21虽然是满月，天上却有一层淡淡的云，所以不能朗照；但我以为这恰是到了好处酣眠固不可少，小睡也别有风味的。22月光是隔了树照过来的，高处丛生的灌木，落上参差的斑驳的黑影，峭楞楞如鬼一般；弯弯的杨柳的稀疏的倩影，像是画在荷叶上。23塘中的月色并不均匀；但光与影有着和谐的旋律，如梵婀玲上奏着的名曲。朱纯深译文：181920The moon sheds her liquid light silently over the leaves and flowers, which, in the floating transparency of a bluish haze from the pond, look as if they had just been bathed in milk, or like a dream wrapped in a gauzy hood. 21Although it is a full moon, shining through a film of clouds, the light is not at its brightest; it is, however, just right for me-a profound sleep is indispensable, yet a snatched doze also has a savour of its own. 22The moon light is streaming down through the foliage, casting bushy shadows on the ground from high above, dark and checkered, like an army of ghosts; whereas the benign figures of the drooping willows, here and there, look like paintings on the lotus leaves. 23The moonlight is not spread evenly over the pond, but rather in a harmonious rhythm of light and shade, like a famous melody played on a violin.本段描写了月光、青雾笼罩着的静静荷塘的一角夜景：淡云掩月已是渺渺茫茫，雾霭飘浮更是蒙蒙胧胧，花色叶影闪烁不定，仿佛轻纱中扑朔迷离的梦境。在作者的笔下，浮云蔽月比起明月朗照更能勾魂摄魄，动人心弦，所以他才强调“这恰是到了好处”，并以“小睡也别有风味”为喻加以突出，这里明显地表现了作者朦胧的审美趣味。译者将前3句合而为一，用词熨帖，笔调自然，很好地再现了作者柔和幽静的心境和淡淡的喜悦之情，只是用softly代替silently也许更为妥当，因为月光原本不会发出声音的。第21句前一部分可以考虑对句式重新安排：A full moon as it is, the light is not at its brightest, shining through a film of clouds，这样似乎更具有节奏感。最后两句句式参差有致，再现了原文富于变化的错落感，其中“稀疏”译成了here and there，而没有直接译为sparsely，目的在于使节奏更加整齐，这一句整体上译得比较成功，但也可以作进一步润色：将“倩影”译为fine figure，将“峭楞楞如鬼一般”译成like angular and haunting ghosts，此外，在“但光与影有着和谐的旋律”一语中，“光”还是指前面的“月光”，因此可将其改译为but rather in a harmonious tune with shade，最后，原文中没有使用当时已有定名的“小提琴”一词，而是采用了“梵婀玲”这一更有韵味的音译形式，这种效果翻译中实无从企及，只好作罢。王椒升译文：18Moonlight was flowing quietly like a stream down to the leaves and flowers. 19A light mist overspread the lotus pond. 20Leaf and flower seemed washed in milk. 21It was a full moon, but a pale cloud hanging overhead made it lose some of its brilliance. 22Moonlight was glowing from behind the trees, and the dense shrubs above cast down gloomy ghostlike shadows of varying lengths and shades of colour. But the beautiful sparse shadows of the arching willows were like a picture etched on the lotus leaves. 23Uneven as was the moonlight over the pond, there was a harmony between light and shade, rhythmic as a well-known melody played on the violin.译文可商榷之处有三：一、“又像笼着轻纱的梦”以及“但我以为这恰是到了好处酣眠固不可少，小睡也别有风味的”两句传神之笔没有译出，结构及意象均遭到破坏；二、没有运用现在时态，造成了时空理解上错觉；三、句句直译没有考虑到汉、英两种语言的差异，译文显得很是零碎。中国文学译文：181920Moonlight cascaded like water over the lotus leaves and flowers, and a light blue mist floating up from the pool made them seem washed in milk or caught in a gauzy dream. 21Though the moon was full, a film of pale clouds in the sky would not allow its rays to shine through brightly; but I felt this was all to the good-though refreshing sleep is indispensable, short naps have a charm all their own. 22As the moon shone from behind them, the dense trees on the hills threw checkered shadows, dark forms loomed like devils, and the sparse, graceful shadows of willows seemed painted on the lotus leaves. 23The moonlight on the pool was not uniform, but light and shadow made up a harmonious rhythm like a beautiful tune played on a violin.首先看前3句的翻译：由于cascade一词的运用，“静静地”便无从谈起了：流水可以宁静地徜徉，瀑布则必然会发出响声；第19、20句可改译为and in a light blue mistthey seemed to have bathed in milk。第21句中的“这”（this）似可改译为that，“酣睡”（refreshing sleep）应译成sound sleep或profound sleep，因为refreshing用在这里不太准确，它同样可以用来修饰nap一词，charm一词用来描述“小睡”显然有些过了。在第22句中，除“弯弯的”一词漏译外，值得一提的是译者将“高处的”译成了on the hills，我们认为这才传达了原文的真正意义。最后一句中的否定形式并不一定要用not来对应，比如译成irregular也不失为理想的选择。24忽然想起采莲的事情来了。25今晚若有采莲人，这儿的莲花也算得“过人头”了；只不见一些流水的影子，是不行的。26这令我到底惦着江南了。27这样想着，猛一抬头，不觉已是自己的门前；轻轻地推门进去，什么声息也没有，妻已睡熟好久了。朱纯深译文：24Suddenly, something like lotus-gathering crosses my mind. 25If there were somebody gathering lotuses tonight, she could tell that the lilies here are high enough to reach over her head; but one would certainly miss the sight of the water. 26So my memories drift back to the South after all. 27Deep in my thoughts, I looked up, just to find myself at the door of my own house. Gently I pushed the door open and walked in. Not a sound inside, my wife had been fast asleep for quite a while.suddenly一词放在句首有些突兀，可考虑选择不同的句式。“只是不见一些流水的影子，是不行的”一句以“正说反译”或“反弹琵琶”法译出，与原文蕴藉的语气相吻合。最后一句译文颇富有诗意，令人想起李白静夜思一诗的意境，然而不知何故，这里译者突然改用了过去时态，如此显然破坏了全文以“现在”为视点的时间顺序。王椒升译文：24Then all of a sudden, I was reminded of the custom of plucking lotus seeds. 25If there were people plucking lotus seeds here tonight, they might indeed find lotus plants exceeding them in height; but the absence of the merest shadow of flowing water would spoil it. 2