我的地盘我做主PsychologyToday.docx

Im still figuring out how to do boundaries well. Like many people, Im pretty good at setting a boundary. But once that boundary is crossed, I get flummoxed.我还在为如何处理好界限问题而纠结。和许多人一样，我很善于设立界限，但对别人的越界，我却不知如何是好。I usually resent it when someone steps on my boundaries, because theyre putting me in a position where I have to speak up for myself.通常我很讨厌别人踩踏我的界线，因为这会迫使我奋起抗争。And thats uncomfortable.而抗争让我很不舒服。So Im continually working on boundaries in my personal life, and what Ive discovered is that theres no reward for doing a good job.我不断为个人生活中的界限而劳心费神，到头来却发现，做得再好也没好报。When I manage to say No to someone (or put limits on how much I give) despite my guilty feelings about doing so, nobody gives me a medal.当我努力克制着内疚向别人说“不”（或为自己的付出设立底线）时，没人念我的好。Im more likely to get a sour look than a prize for holding my boundaries.我维护自己的界限，得到的不是别人念我的好，而是别人难看的脸色。Thats what makes boundary maintenance so difficult.这就是为什么坚持自己的界限会那么难。What it comes down to, though, is a hard decision. I ask myself this:不过，归根结底，这是一个艰难的抉择。我扪心自问：Do I want to tolerate potential conflict by defending my boundaries, or do I want to feel resentful every time I let someone cross them?是坚持界限而可能得罪人好呢？还是容忍别人跨界而让自己的不爽好？Heres what Ive learned about boundaries, and much of it Im still getting the hang of下面是我关于界限的一些看法，其中很多还处于探讨之中.Tips for Better Boundaries如何设立更好的界限1. Get clear on exactly what the boundary is. Where are you going to draw the line? Is it okay for your roommate to eat your food as long as she replaces it? Or is it simply not okay for her to touch your stuff?1. 弄清楚界限到底是什么。 打算设立什么样的界限？是只要事后补齐，舍友就可以随便吃你的东西？还是她压根就不许动你的东西？If youre not clear on what your boundaries are, others wont be either.如果你自己都不清楚自己的界线，别人也没法弄清楚。2. Decide on consequences ahead of time. What will happen if someone crosses a boundary? If there are no consequences, there might as well be no boundaries. Will you stop talking to them? Remove privileges? Go home? Withdraw financial support? Or simply call out their behavior?2. 提前考虑好后果。别人越界会有什么后果？如果没什么后果，那么界限还是不设的好。你会不再搭理人家？不再给人家特权？会打道回府？会终止对其经济资助？或者会干脆指责他们的行为？Something needs to happen when others step on your toes. What will it be?别人惹到你，应该承担后果。那么，后果会是什么呢？3. Expect violations. You can be absolutely certain that if you set a new boundary with people who already know you, that boundary will be tested. That means repeated violations despite your protests. What are you going to do about it?3. 对越界的发生要有心理准备。你可以百分之百相信，一旦对熟人立新规矩，他们一定不会当真。也就是说，尽管你一再抗议，他们还是会一次次跨越你的界限。你会怎么办？The results of testing will be one of two outcomes: Either youll prove that you dont really mean it, or youll demonstrate that you do.较量的结果就是：你要么证明自己不是那意思，要么证明自己就是那意思，二者必居其一。4. Be consistent. Testing takes place over time. If its not okay to call you names today, it shouldnt be okay tomorrow. Your boundaries must not change with your mood, or you cant blame others for being confused about whats acceptable.4. 要始终如一。对你界限的试探会持续一段时间。 如果今天不能骂你，那么，明天也不能骂。你不能随着自己的心情改变你的界线，否则，就别怪别人搞不清什么能做，什么不能做。Just as with parenting, rules need to be consistent to be taken seriously. Every time you allow a boundary to be violated without consequences, youre back to Square One.正如对子女的教育一样，规矩贵在始终如一，贵在必须认真对待。如果每次违规都没有惩罚，那么一切就会回到原点。5. Get used to it. Boundary-setting is not a single-shot deal. Once you set a boundary, the long-term work of defending that boundary begins.5. 要习惯自己的界限。 设立界限不是一锤子买卖。一旦设立，就等于开启了维护界线的漫漫漫历程。Accept your responsibility for speaking up and making sure that there are consequences every single time a boundary is crossed.要担负起自己的责任，勇于说不。而且，任何的越界行为都不能听之任之。Some people will “get it” right away, others will take longer, and one or two may decide never to respect a particular boundary. Thats okay; theyll have to get used to the consequences.有些人立刻就“明白了”，有些人则需要的时间长一些，还有一两个人可能选择绝不守什么规矩。没关系，他们将不得不习惯自己的行为所带来的后果。(But you might just be surprised how often old dogs can learn new tricks with consistent training.)（不过，你会惊奇地发现，不断的训练常常会让老狗掌握新本事。）6. Dont blame others for violating your boundaries. First, people dont necessarily know where you stand, even if you think they should.6. 不要怪别人越过你的界线。首先，别人并不清楚你的立场，即使你认为他们应该清楚。Second, each of us is responsible for looking after our own interests. If Im an adult, its no ones job but mine to make sure Im not disrespected, abused, taken advantage of, manipulated, or anything else that affects my well-being.第二，自己的事情自己要上心。作为成年人，自己有责任确保自己不受人轻慢、辱骂、利用或遭受其它任何有损自己利益的行为，与他人无关。(Children, of course, need adults to protect them from these transgressions.)（当然，孩子需要成年人的保护来远离以上种种伤害。）But what about close relationships, you ask? Shouldnt family and friends respect each others boundaries?不过，你也许会问：亲近的人之间该如何呢？亲朋好友之间不该尊重彼此的界线吗？Why should I have to defend myself against boundary crossings by the very people who are supposed to love me?那些爱我的人跨越了我的界线，我为什么非得据理力争呢？In close relationships, its customary to try to respect each others boundaries. But we do this as a courtesy, not as an obligation