Cabin Pressure - Ottery St Mary.doc

Cabin Pressure Ottery St.MaryARTHUR: Here we are, chaps er, chap! Coffee for you, Douglas, and coffee for you - to maybe have a bit later on, Douglas.DOUGLAS: Did you by any chance forget Martin wasnt flying today, Arthur?ARTHUR: No, I didnt actually. Its just I only know the amounts to make coffee for two people.DOUGLAS: You could just have made half of what you usually make.ARTHUR: Well, I couldnt, because Id only know what to make half of once Id made it, and once Id made it, Id made it.DOUGLAS: Oh well, fair enough then. I didnt realise youd addressed the problem scientifically. (There is a bing-bong.) Hello, Starbucks, Irish Sea.MARTIN: Douglas, its Martin.DOUGLAS: Hello there. Enjoying your day off?MARTIN: No. Douglas, how long till you land?DOUGLAS: About half an hour. Why?MARTIN: Great! Is Arthur there?DOUGLAS: Well, not all there.ARTHUR: Hello, Skip! This is weird, isnt it? Because normally when Im here listening to someone on sat-com, youre here, too, listening to them, only now youre there where they are, and Im here, where you usually are and where I usually am and am now, talking to you!DOUGLAS: You find Arthur in philosophical mood.MARTIN: Arthur, I need you to help me.ARTHUR: Brilliant! I love helping!MARTIN: Well, this is a big help, a very big help.ARTHUR: No problem, Skip I am a very big helper.MARTIN: Well, Arthur, erm Douglas, are you still listening?DOUGLAS: I dont have an enormous amount of choice, Martin.MARTIN: Cant you put your fingers in your ears?DOUGLAS: Heaven knows Im not generally a stickler for safety procedures, but Im not certain thats a good idea whilst flying an aeroplane.MARTIN: Fine. Arthur, Im at Fitton Hospital.ARTHUR: Oh no! Are you all right?MARTIN: No, Ive sprained my ankle.DOUGLAS: Oh dear, how did you do that?MARTIN: I was it doesnt matter how.DOUGLAS: Martin.MARTIN: Look, its a perfectly valid tool, when teaching best safety practice, to demonstrate the wrong way as well as the right way.DOUGLAS: You twisted your ankle, whilst teaching someone how not to twist their ankle?MARTIN: Anyway, Arthur, you know how though Im mostly a pilot, Im also a bit of a man with a van?ARTHUR: Yeah.MARTIN: Well, today right now actually Im supposed to be picking up a piano in Fitton and delivering it to a pub in Devon.ARTHUR: Wouldnt have thought you could do that with a sprained ankle.MARTIN: No, Arthur, I cant. This is where the you helping me part comes in. My van is at the airfield, and the addresses and the spare van keys are in my pigeonhole.DOUGLAS: Spare Van Keys didnt we fly him to Amsterdam once?MARTIN: Douglas, shh! Arthur, when you land, do you think that you could - c-c-could you pick them up, find my van, pick me up at the hospital, drive me to Fitton, load a piano and then - drive me to Ottery St. Mary?ARTHUR: Yeah, no problem. All right, bye!DOUGLAS: Really, Martin? Arthur? Is this wise?ARTHUR: Hey!MARTIN: I know! I know! But I - I dont have a choice!ARTHUR: Double hey! I can do it.DOUGLAS: Would it be worse for you to cancel the job or to rely on Arthur - Arthur - to pick up and drive a piano - a piano - two hundred miles in a van a van?ARTHUR: Why shouldnt I?DOUGLAS: Because, Arthur, youre a clot.ARTHUR: Im not a clot! Whats a clot?DOUGLAS: Well, you know the way that you are and the things that you do?ARTHUR: Yeah?DOUGLAS: Those are the ways of a clot.MARTIN: Douglas, youre forgetting Ill be there with him the whole time, supervising.DOUGLAS: Oh, then what can possibly go wrong?MARTIN: Theres no-one else to ask!DOUGLAS: No-one?MARTIN: No!DOUGLAS: Ahem.MARTIN: Really? Would you?DOUGLAS: Well, Ive nothing else to do today, and its always useful to have someone owe you a colossal favour.ARTHUR: But I can still come, right?DOUGLAS: Of course!MARTIN: Uh, really, Douglas?DOUGLAS: Oh yes! I see my role as very much a managerial one, with perhaps a little light driving. If you want actual piano shoving done, well need a piano shover.ARTHUR: Brilliant!CAROLYN: Ah, yes? Oh, hello, you two.ARTHUR: Hello, mum! Gertis all Hoovered and locked up, so can I go to Devon?CAROLYN: Devon?ARTHUR: Yeah. Martin and Douglas are taking a piano to somewhere called what was it? Weasels King Henry? Hedgehog OBrien!DOUGLAS: Ottery St. Mary.ARTHUR: Yeah, and they said I could come, too. Can I go, mum?CAROLYN: Arthur, you are twenty-nine years old. You dont need my permission to go to Devon!ARTHUR: Is that a yes?CAROLYN: Yes!ARTHUR: You wont be bored all day without me?CAROLYN: Ill struggle through.DOUGLAS: Excellent! All right then, Arthur. You get the keys and addresses; Ill seek out the van.Door closes, and a number is swiftly dialled.HERC: Hello, Herc Shipwright?CAROLYN: Ah, Herc. Its Carolyn Knapp-Shappey here. Are you still free today?HERC: Oh, hello. Uh, yes, I am.CAROLYN: Well, to my great disappointment, various better offers have fallen through, and I am in fact reluctantly available for that lunch and dog walk you were nagging me about.MARTIN: Ah yes, this is it the Laurels. (He rings the bell.) Now let me do the talking, all right?DOUGLAS: Of course.ARTHUR: Right-o!THE LADY FROM THE LAURELS: Hello?DOUGLAS: Good morning, madam! I am Doug; this is Mart and Arth. We are your man with a van or rather men with a ven.MARTIN: Hello, Im sorry, ignore him. Im Martin Crieff. Were from Icarus Removals.THE LADY FROM THE LAURELS: Oh right, youre here for the piano.DOUGLAS: Icarus?MARTIN: Yes, thats right.DOUGLAS: You do know what happened to Icarus?THE LADY FROM THE LAURELS: Its in here. Wipe your feet.MARTIN: Thank you very much. (Aside to Douglas) Of course I do!Door closes.DOUGLAS: So youve deliberately named your company after the first bad pilot in history?MARTIN: Shut up!THE LADY FROM THE LAURELS: Here it is.DOUGLAS: Aha! (He tinkles the ivories.) Ah, not bad. Shell be wasted in a pub.ARTHUR: Wow, Douglas, thats amazing! Oh, now do Those Magnificent Men in Their Flying Machines!DOUGLAS: Absolutely not.ARTHUR: Oh, but its my favourite!DOUGLAS: Anyway, I dont know how it goes.ARTHUR: Yeah, you must do! Up, down, flying around! Looping the loop and defying the ground!DOUGLAS: If anything I now know how it goes even less, but I can do you a little Chopin.MARTIN: Yes, thank you, Douglas. This lady wants us to move it, not show off on it.THE LADY FROM THE LAURELS: Oh, I dont mind. Isnt he good?DOUGLAS: Youre too kind.MARTIN: We were on quite a tight schedule.DOUGLAS: Yes, seven hours to drive to two hundred miles every second counts!MARTIN: Douglas, please!DOUGLAS: Certainly, Icarus. (He stops playing.) All right, Arthur, snap to it! Arthur provides the brawn to our little operation, madam. I, you may not be entirely surprised to learn, am the brains.THE LADY FROM THE LAURELS: He doesnt look very brawny.DOUGLAS: True, but thats nothing compared to how much hes not brainy.THE LADY FROM THE LAURELS: And whats he for?DOUGLAS: Martin? Ah, Martin here has perhaps the most important thing of all.THE LADY FROM THE LAURELS: Whats that?DOUGLAS: A van.The bell is rung and door is opened.HERC: Hello Carolyn.CAROLYN: Ah, there you are. Youre late.HERC: We didnt set a time.CAROLYN: Youre later than Id imagined youd be.HERC: Then you clearly dont have a very vivid imagination.Some rather yappy barking begins.CAROLYN: Hello darling. Did you hear the silly late man?HERC: Ah, hello. What a ridiculous dog!CAROLYN: Im sorry?HERC: I said you have a ridiculous dog.CAROLYN: My dog is not ridiculous.HERC: Then whose dog is this? Hello there. What is she?CAROLYN: Shes a cockapoo.HERC: Oh, a cockapoo. Obviously, Id never have called her ridiculous had I known she was a cockapoo.CAROLYN: It is a cross between a poodle and a HERC: Cockatoo?CAROLYN: A cocker spaniel. And shes not ridiculous she happens to be a noble and faithful hound.HERC: Uhuh, and whats she called?CAROLYN: Doesnt matter.HERC: What?CAROLYN: Her name is not important. Right, I thought wed have lunch first, then walk after.HERC: Oh, Id rather walk first, work up an appetite.CAROLYN: Fine. Ill see you when you finally get to the pub then. Ill be the one looking full.DOUGLAS: All right, are we ready to go?MARTIN: Yes.ARTHUR: Yep.DOUGLAS: Jolly good. Pre-driving to Devon checklist, Captain? Doors?MARTIN: Closed.DOUGLAS: Seatbelts?MARTIN: On.DOUGLAS: Piano?MARTIN: Checked.DOUGLAS: Piano?ARTHUR: Crosschecked!DOUGLAS: Jelly babies?Plastic rustles promisingly.MARTIN: Jelly babies to manual.DOUGLAS: Excellent! Then off we go.MARTIN: I, um, I wouldve helped with the loading, you know, but its only this ankle DOUGLAS: Its quite all right. We managed.MARTIN: Im impressed you got the owner to do so much of the lifting.DOUGLAS: Yes, she had a sort of wiry strength for her age.ARTHUR: I didnt know you could play the piano, Douglas.DOUGLAS: Well, you remember that time when there was that thing you didnt know whether or not I could do and then it turned out that I couldnt?ARTHUR: No.DOUGLAS: No, nor do I.MARTIN: Fnung -DOUGLAS: What?MARTIN: Uh, nothing. Its just uh - you were just a bit close to that Volvo.DOUGLAS: Martin!MARTIN: Dont bite my head off, but the vans probably wider than youre used to driving.DOUGLAS: I am used to driving an aeroplane.MARTIN: Not on the A46!ARTHUR: Yellow car.DOUGLAS: What?ARTHUR: Nothing. Just yellow car.MARTIN: Why did you say yellow car?ARTHUR: There was a yellow car.MARTIN: But why did you say yellow car?ARTHUR: Youve got to say yellow car when theres a yellow car.MARTIN: Why?ARTHUR: Thats how you play Yellow Car.MARTIN: Were not playing Yellow Car.ARTHUR: Youre always playing Yellow Car.DOUGLAS: And how, though I fear I can guess, does one play Yellow Car?ARTHUR: Right well, imagine youre driving along MARTIN: We are driving along.ARTHUR: Oh yeah, okay, so now you look at the cars as they come along in the other direction, and theyre all different colours. So, uh, for instance, now, uh, that ones white; that ones blue; that ones a sort of metally grey DOUGLAS: And when you see a yellow car, you say yellow car.ARTHUR: How did you know?DOUGLAS: A wild stab in the dark!MARTIN: And then what?ARTHUR: You start again!DOUGLAS: So how does it end, this game?ARTHUR: It never ends.DOUGLAS: Thats very much what I feared.WAITRESS: Are you ready to order?HERC: Yes, I think so. Ill have the mushroom and aubergine risotto.CAROLYN: Uh!HERC: What do you mean, uh?CAROLYN: Well, youve seen they have proper food here as well.HERC: Nevertheless.WAITRESS: Any starter?HERC: Greek salad, please.CAROLYN: Oh, dont tell me youre a vegetarian?HERC: I will tell you that, because I am one.WAITRESS: And for you, madam?CAROLYN: Well, thats very disappointing. Why on Earth HERC: Carolyn, all through human history, weve been wrong about equality, and we thought we were right. All men are equal except slaves, obviously. Oh, no, wait! All men are equal, except black ones, obviously. No! No, wait! All people are equal, except women, obviously. Look, are you not at all curious about what were still getting wrong? And dont you think theres a good chance its “all lives are equal, except animals, obviously”?CAROLYN: Thats an eloquent argument.HERC: Thank you.CAROLYN: I mean its childish, specious, and the bit where you compare animal rights with universal suffrage is frankly offensive, but its superficially eloquent.WAITRESS: Shall I come back?CAROLYN: No! No, Im ready. Ill have the rack of lamb.WAITRESS: And to start?CAROLYN: The whitebait.WAITRESS: Certainly.CAROLYN: Out of interest, about how many whitebait do you get in a serving?WAITRESS: About thirty, madam?CAROLYN: Gosh, imagine that: thirty little lives on a plate! Yum, yum.MARTIN: Okay, so as long as we average at least eleven miles an hour, we should get to Ottery St. Mary by six.DOUGLAS: Well, its a punishing pace, but I think Im up to it.ARTHUR: Whys it called that, Skip?DOUGLAS: What?ARTHUR: Ottery St. Mary.MARTIN: Ive no idea.ARTHUR: Do you know, Douglas?DOUGLAS: Yes.MARTIN: Do you?DOUGLAS: Certainly I do. You see St. Mary is the patron saint of Devon, and she, of course, was famously martyred by being eaten alive by otters.ARTHUR: Really?DOUGLAS: Oh yes. Rabid otters. And so shes always portrayed in pictures absolutely covered in otters.ARTHUR: What, eating her?DOUGLAS: Sometimes, in the more fire and brimstone churches. Elsewhere, the assumption is theyre all in Heaven now and have made up, so theyre just shown milling about her, nuzzling her affectionately and offering her ottery kisses and gifts of haddock.MARTIN: Douglas.!ARTHUR: Why would the otters go to Heaven, if they ate a saint?DOUGLAS: Youve put your finger, Arthur, as is so often your way, on the crux of a thorny theological problem. So far, our best guess is simply that St. Peters got a real soft spot for otters. He looks into those whiskery faces and goes “You guys! I cant stay mad at you” and lets them into Heaven.ARTHUR: So Heaven is full of otters!DOUGLAS: More than you can possibly imagine.MARTIN: So in your case, Arthur, probably about twelve.ARTHUR: Hey, I can imagine loads of otters!DOUGLAS: Really? How many?ARTHUR: A million!DOUGLAS: You see I dont think you can. I dont think anyone can.ARTHUR: I can! Im doing it now. Wow!DOUGLAS: No, youre just imagining a lot of otters and then saying thats a million. I dont think anyone can actually, genuinely imagine more than about twenty otters at a time.MARTIN: Oh, come on! I can definitely imagine a hundred otters.ARTHUR: Me, too! Yellow car.DOUGLAS: All right, how much space do they take up? Could you for instance get a hundred otters onboard Gerti?MARTIN: Yes, I reckon you could. DOUGLAS: And is it a jam-packed, RSPCA nightmare of a plane, or are the otters lounging in relative comfort?MARTIN: Well, okay, well theres, uh, theres sixteen seats, so say two to a seat DOUGLAS: Theyre good friends, these otters?MARTIN: Lets hope so. And one in each overhead compartment.DOUGLAS: Always remembering to open them with care, because otters may have shifted during the flight.ARTHUR: And one under each seat?DOUGLAS: Yes, good thinking!MARTIN: But thats where the lifejackets are.DOUGLAS: Thats all right: otters can swim. Now, how many in the galley?MARTIN: Um, four on the floor, two on the worktops? Well, it depends are we carrying Carolyn and Arthur?DOUGLAS: To wait on the otters? I think that would be an indulgence, frankly. I think wed be better off replacing them with more otters.MARTIN: Wed be better off replacing Arthur with an otter anyway.ARTHUR: Hey!DOUGLAS: So thirty-two in the seats, sixteen in the overhead lockers, sixteen under the seats, six in the galley MARTIN: Fifteen in the hold?DOUGLAS: Oh, twenty easily, and six or seven in the aisle.MARTIN: Call it seven.DOUGLAS: So thats what? Ninety-seven and three in the flight deck! A hundred!ARTHUR: Brilliant!MARTIN: No. Not in the flight deck.DOUGLAS: Hypothetically.MARTIN: I dont care how hypothetical it is, Im not flying with a live otter in the flight deck!DOUGLAS: I dont see why not. Historically, very few hijackings have been carried out by otters.MARTIN: Im sorry, but I dont think the Civil Aviation Authority would be too keen on the idea.DOUGLAS: To be quite honest with you, Captain, I dont think theres a whole lot about this plane full of unsupervised otters the CAA is going to love.CAROLYN: Come on, youre lagging again.HERC: (breathlessly) Im not lagging. Im walking at about twice the normal human pace.CAROLYN: This is why you need protein, you see, otherwise you lag.HERC: Look, Ill tell you who isnt lagging: your ridiculous dog.CAROLYN: What? Oh! Come back! Here! Here!HERC: Why dont you call her?CAROLYN: I am calling her. Bad girl! Come here!HERC: Why dont you call her by name?CAROLYN: Here!HERC: I hope that little girl likes dogs.CAROLYN: Come here now!HERC: Oh dear, I dont think she does. (The yelping has resumed.) Well, not anymore anyway.CAROLYN: Snoopadoop, here!HERC: Snoopadoop?CAROLYN: Good girl! (To Herc) Shut up!HERC: Its better than Id dared hope.CAROLYN: Arthur named her.HERC: Snoopadoop, the cockapoo, noblest of hounds!MARTIN: Couldnt we fit a couple in the loo?DOUGLAS: Of what?MARTIN: Otters.DOUGLAS: Ah, yes!ARTHUR: Brilliant, Skip! So how manys that?DOUGLAS: Ninety-nine.ARTHUR: Oh, weve got to get to a hundred. Ooh, services! Can we stop?MARTIN: Arthur, surely you cant need to go again?ARTHUR: No, I dont. I just really like motorway services. Its like a little gang of shops that have gone on holiday together.MARTIN: No, we cant.ARTHUR: Why not? Weve got hours and hours to spare!MARTIN: Not to spare, to be safe. Were