I have nothing to declare except my genuis.doc

Submitted by Corey Paulson Save a tree, wipe your ass on a spotted owl! I just love Chinese food. My favorite dish is number 27.Clement Atlee Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs. since the payment is pure love. Mildred B. Vermont. Base eight is just like base ten really, if youre missing two fingers.Tom Lehrer If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.Woody Allen When I die Im going to leave my body to science fiction. Steven Wright Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma. I bought an audio cleaning tape. Im a big fan of theirs.Kevin Gildea. Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. Any political party that includes the word democratic in its name, isnt. Patrick Murray. Its better to be looked over than overlooked.Mae West I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.Spike Milligan We are the people our parents warned us about. Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.George Burns When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one Ive never tried before. Mae West There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.George Burns There are only 10 types of people in this world. Those who know ternary, those who dont and those who confuse it with binary.unknown An ideal form of government is democracy tempered with assassination. Voltaire. A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me and she said o.Woody Allen Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children. Dan Quayle 18/9/90 Its not the size of the dog in the fight, its the size of the fight in the dog.Mark Twain Having sex is like playing bridge. If you dont have a good partner, youd better have a good hand.Woody Allen Never have more children than you have car windows.Erma Bombeck Sarah Brightman couldnt act scared on the New York subway at 4 oclock in the morning.Joel Segal. Im just glad itll be Clark Gable whos falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.Gary Cooper (on his decision not to take the leading role in Gone With The Wind.). Bart, stop pestering Satan!Marge Simpson Bureaucrats do not change the course of the ship of state. They merely adjust the compass. I can think of nothing more boring for the American people than to have to sit in their living rooms for a whole half hour looking at my face on their television screens.Dwight D. Eisenhower Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.Dave Platt I like a man whos good, but not too good - for the good die young, and I hate a dead one.Mae West UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity. Dennis Ritchie. Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste. Wes Smith. A violin is the revenge exacted by the intestines of a dead cat.Ambrose Bierce They fuck you up, your mum and dad.They may not mean to but they do.They fill up with the faults they hadAnd add some extra, just for you.Philip Larkin I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile, women shave on Saturday and most especially never to shave a Gentile woman on Saturday.Woody Allen Women represent the triumph of matter over mind, just as men represent the triumph of mind over morals.Oscar Wilde Submitted by Rome West Skinny Jeans is like a cheap hotel, With no ballroom Victor Hugo was a madman who thought he was Vistor Hugo.Jean Cocteau. All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. Youd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men. Isaac Asimov. There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentlemans toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.Hugh Leonard Once youre dead youre made for life.Jimi Hendrix. I wish Stanley Baldwin no ill, but it would have been much better if he had never livedOn Stanley Baldwin Winston Churchill Airplanes may kill you, but they aint likely to hurt you.Satchel Paige I like children - fried.W.C. Fields. Im sixty years of age. Thats 16 Celsius. George Carlin. Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage.Ambrose Bierce You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.Woody Allen There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.Salvador Dali. Martins acting is so inept that even his impersonation of a lush seems unconvincing. Harry Medved on Dean Martin Any American who is prepared to run for President should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from every doing so. Gore Vidal. Perfect numbers like perfect men are very rare.Ren Descartes Christmas is a time when you get homesick - even when youre home. Carol Nelson. Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts. Dan Quayle Only one man ever understood me, and he didnt understand me. GW Hegel. Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope. Bill Cosby. If it sells, its art.Frank Lloyd If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.Mark Twain The majority rule only works if youre also considering individual rights. Because you cant have five wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for supper.Larry Flynt Nothing succeeds like excess.Oscar Wilde Nothing on Earth so beautiful as the final haul on Halloween night. Steve Almond. If it werent for electricity wed all be watching television by candlelight.George Gobol. We expect the Salvadorean officials to work towards the extremination of human rights. Dan Quayle I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.Bertrand Russell The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.Groucho Marx Football is all very well a good game for rough girls, but not for delicate boys.Oscar Wilde It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge. Phyllis Diller. Never believe anything in politics until it has been officially denied.Otto Von Bismark. The Book of Life begins with a man and a woman in a gardenIt ends with Revelations.Oscar Wilde Diplomacy is the art of saying ice doggie until you can find a rock.Will Rogers You dont have to be mad to work here, but you do have to be on time, well presented, a team player, customer service focused and sober!David Brent Only Lawyers and mental defectives are automatically exempt for jury duty. George Bernard Shaw I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.Joe E. Lewis In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies. Stephen Leacock. People cant concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December. Ogden Nash. I base most of my fashion taste on what doesnt itch.Gilda Radner Pavarotti is not vain, but conscious of being unique.Peter Ustinov. Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes E W Dijkstra. I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.George Burns I work until beer oclock.Stephen King On his 9 to 5 writing day, Time - 6 Oct 86 Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.Woody Allen Thats my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.Joe Rogan The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated.Mark Twain A language that doesnt have everything is actually easier to program in than some that doDennis M. Ritchie I was the kid next doors imaginary friend.Emo Philips Dont be so humble - you are not that great.Golda Meir 驾考宝典网 /kaoshi/computer/ 驾考宝典2016电脑版Submitted by Jordan BernaquerDont make me shove my foot up your asspipe Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.Dave Barry Work is the curse of the drinking classes.Oscar Wilde I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They dont know Im only using blanks.Emo Philips Submitted by Niel Ahn Keep your friends close and keep your enemies within shovel distance You know what I hate? Indian givers.no, I take that back.Emo Philips On Opening Day, the President doesnt throw OUT the first ball. He throws it IN. If he threw it out,