搞笑英语剧合辑-可选择.doc

员表：西门吹雪叶孤城花满楼king旁白道具：牛奶两袋，匕首一把，戒子一枚，纸屑若干。第一幕：决战紫荆城之颠旁白：Aquietvillageiscoveredwithwhitesnow.Birdsaredancinginthecold.Amaniswalkingalongthestreet,stepbystep.Windiscominginsilence.Anothermysteriousmanapproaches.Y与X相遇X：oH,Iamsorrytoknockyou!Y:Haha,Nevermindbaybay.X:Excuseme，whoareyouonearth?couldyoutellmeyourname?Y:haha,Iwontchangemyname!nomatterwhathappens.Imthemostfamous-YeGucheng.Whoareyou?X:Iamximenchuixue.Y惊讶:Ar,ximenchuixue?X:Yes,whatiswrong?Y:IheardthatyouarethebestingMartialArts?X:Great,youknowme!Y抱腿：Please,pleaseDontkillme!letmeyougo!X:No,Imustkillyou!Y:Idontwanttobekilled.Thereareaeighty-year-oldmotheandathree-yearoldsontobelookedafterbyme!X:Noway!Becausewearefightingnow!youknow?Y突然站起冷冷的说：Dontforceme!X:Pardon!(Y拿出一袋牛奶)X抢过牛奶:milk,verygood!Ilikedrinkingit.howdoyouknowthat?Y:pleasedrinkit!X喝完牛奶:Thanks,ha,haY:Doyoustillwanttokillme?X:Sure,must!milkismilk.Y(恼怒+冷酷):Verygood!verygood!Ihopeyouwillnotforgetwhatyousaid!?X:ImsureIwont!Y:Imustgiveyoualesson!IfIdontbeatyourhistime,youllneverbehaveproperly!3-2-1-0!X捂着肚子，蹲下：Oach,Oach!Y大笑：HaHaX可怜状:help!help!Whereisthewashroom?Y:What?X:Toliet?Y:What?X:The“WC”?Y:Oh,Isee,goalongthisstreetandturnrightwhenyouseeacorssingroad!X:Thanks,byebye.Y掏出纸屑吹:Thisisgenuirnesnow!H:Stop!Protectingtheenvironmentisabasicobligation!Y:Whoareyou?H:Hua-man-lou!Haveyouseenximenchuixue?Y:Yes,hewasbeatenbymeandisin“WC”now,haH惊讶:Nowyouarethebestintheworld!Y:Youareright!H:Teriffic!youaretheonemykinglookingfor!doyouwantjoininus?Y:Yes,Itsverygood.H:Ok,followme,Letsgotoseemyking!Y:Ok,Letsgo!第二幕：无间道H:Mydearest!letmeintroduceyeguchengtoyou!（指Y）thisisyegucheng.K:sitdownplese,yegucheng.H走到Y前，婚礼进行曲起，H神甫状:Yegucheng!Doyouwanttofollowmykingnomatterwhathappenssuchascoldheadache,sairandaids?Y:Yes,Ido.K:Huamanlou,come.puttheringonhisfinger!（音乐停）X唱着上:Onlyyou(看到戒子)thisringshouldbemine!K:Butwhoareyou?whyshoulditbelongyou?Y急切:king!dearking!Imustgonow,mybrotherislookingforme!huoxi(维语再见)K:huoxi?Whatdoesthatmean?ItisnotEnglish,isntit?Y:HowcleverX冷酷:yegucheng!comehere!Iwanttotellyousomething!Y抱X的腿:oldbrother!Forgiveme!X:Forgiveme?Why?Y:Oncetherewasachangebeforeme,Ilostit.Ifthegodgivemeantherchance,Illtellyou“Iloveyou”,Iftheremustbealimitedperiod,Ihopeitisthousandyear!X:Youshallcheatme!allyoudidarewrong!howcanyoutelltheladys“WC”!Y:IlikegoingladysWC.IIIthinkthatyoulikewhatIlike.(又拿出一袋牛奶)X:m-i-l-k?haha,ayixidailu!(我爱你的意思)K:ayixidailu?Whatsthemeaning?whyIalsocantunderstandyou?X:Youarestupid!Itmeans“Iloveyou”.K:Dontsaythat“youloveme”.Illkillyouforyousayingdirtywordtome!X:What?(侧耳装着听不到)You-kill-me?come,come(上去抓住K) K:Fuckyou.Imustkillyou!X:Howcanyoukillme?hahaY:Letmehaveatry!3-2-1-0(X捂着肚子，蹲下)K:thankyouverymuch,yousaveme.Now,IllgiveyoutheticketforAmericantoletyouhaveavacation.Y:Thatsgood.butthereisonemorething.canyougivemeaMM?IwanttogoAmericanwithher.K:ofcouse.Youaretheonewhohasthesimilartastewithme!HahahaY:Hahaha-H:Wheressomewhere?K:What?Y:Doyouwanttogoladys“WC”?X:Yes,IIdo.H顶着摇头：X,no,no，youcantgotoLadys“WC”.Thatisnottheplacewhereyoucangointo!becauseyouareX!youarethebestmanofChinesekongfu!X:whatifImthebestintheword?!whyItrymybesttolivebutImstillsomiserable?whencanIgetmyfreedom?mustbethedeadday?!K:youareright.onewillnotbecleveruntilthedayhedie.Inthatcase,whywillyoudieinsuchabadsorrowway!gointotheLadysWC,thendie,comfortablly!goahead!H:you,stupid,badbehavior!goaway!K;why?whydoyouhelphim!whoacturallyareyou?H:myrealnameisLuXiaofeng-thewifeofX.Imaspy.K惊讶:!you-you-YouareLuXiaofeng?Xwife?Y:Ihavealreadyrecognizedyou.atricker!doyouknow,youarethefirstpersonwhocheatedme!becauseofyou,Ideeideneverbelieveanyoneelse,includingmyself.youhavedestroyedmylookingforyouformanyyears,justfortoday!(轻声说)willdie,goandseehim,please.H扑倒在的身边：,dotdie,youshouldbealive,therearemuchhopeinthefatureandtomorrowisagoodbeginning!K:whatamovingstory!Iwasimpressed!Y:lifeisaprogress,butitisdepressedthatitcannotresume!H:lifeisaprogress,anditisdelightthatitneedntresume!(H忽然将一把匕首插进Y的心脏，吓跑.音乐再见，警察起)Y痛苦状:dontleavemehere,youknowIloveyouandIhavenothingexceptyounow,pleasenotabandonme!realizethatImwrong.helpme,Iintendtobeback,helpme,Ikeyyou,begyou-helpme.Illneverdothatagain!(Y死，音乐停)（X咳，H扑到身边，电影我的父亲母亲原声音乐起）H:X,oh,no,youcantdie,wewillgohometogether.X:gohome!?H:Tomorrowisanotherday!evenyouhavethelastsecondtolive,youshouldbealive,notonlyforme,butforourlove!X:doyouwantmelivealifeinsuchasorrowway?ok,ok,IpromiseIwillbealive六人英语搞笑剧本孔雀东南飞Wanderseveryfivemiles焦仲卿Johnny(Jforshort)刘兰芝Lunch(Lforshort)焦母Johnnysmother(JMforshort)刘母Lunchsmother(LMforshort)太守之子Mayorsson(MSforshort)强盗Burglars(ABandC)(Johnny（焦仲卿）作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)Johnny（焦仲卿）:EverybodysaysthatImhenpecked,butinfact,Imasstrongasatiger,(小声)whilemywifeisWuSong.(指着上台处的门大声道)Imnotafraidofyou!(内砸出一脸盆,Johnny（焦仲卿）接住当成盾牌护着头)Then,Imafraidofwhom?MywifeLunchisthemostfamouswomanintheneighbor-hood.Sheisbraverthanme,smarterthanmeandstrongerthanme.AllthisIdonotcare.Ionlywanthertobetenderthanme.Butsheisnot!Havingawifelikethisisjustlikelivinginthehell!(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中Johnny（焦仲卿）)MyGod!Whocanhelpme?(下)Act1(序幕结束时,作窃听状)焦母（JM）(拄拐棍上):Ican!(对门内)Lunch!Lunch!Whereareyou?刘兰芝Lunch(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):Imhere!Whatsupmum?焦母（JM）:Ivetoldyouagainandagainthatyoushouldcallme“mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law”.刘兰芝Lunch:OK.Mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law,whatsup?焦母（JM）:Sinceyoumarriedmysonyouhavebehavedsobadly.Youhavebeensorude,sobrusque,solazy刘兰芝Lunch:But焦母（JM）:Neverinterruptme!刘兰芝Lunch:Neverinterruptme!SinceImarriedyourson,thatterribleJohnny,Ihavebeenworkinghardalldaylong,cookingandwashing.Ihaveraisedtensofthousandsofpigsandducksandchickenand焦母（JM）:Butallthoseyouhavedonearenotasvaluableasagrandson!刘兰芝Lunch(生气地挥动着锅铲):Oh,youwantagrandson,dontyou?(开始解围裙)Goandaskyourson.Imleaving!(扯下围裙,扔在焦母（JM）的脸上,下)Act2(焦母（JM）坐在台上打毛线刘兰芝Luch拿着锅铲上)刘兰芝(Luch):Mum,Imback!焦母（JM）:Youareback?Why?Whathappened?刘兰芝(Luch):Iwaskickedoutbymymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmotherin-law.焦母（JM）(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):See!Ihavealreadytoldyou!WhenyouinsistedonmarryingthatterribleJohnny,Itoldyouthatheisuglystupidandpoor,butyoudidnotlistentome.Lookatyourself阅读会员限时特惠 7大会员特权立即尝鲜 2刘兰芝(Luch):But,mum焦母（JM）:Neverinterruptme!刘兰芝(Luch):Mum,Imnotinterruptingyou.IjustwanttotellyouthatyouarealwaysrightOK?AndIllmarrywhomeveryouwantmeto.刘母Lunchsmother(大喜):Nicegirl!Justnow,Imetthemayorssoninthemarket.Hesaid:“IfyourdaughterHaventbeenmarried,Ireallyreallywanttomarryher!”Nowyouarefreeagain,Illgoandtellhim.(下)刘兰芝(Luch):What?Themayorsson?Themostfamousplayboyintheneighbor-hood?(手中的锅铲掉在地上)WhatasillythingIhavedone!(下)Act3(焦仲卿Johnny睡眼惺忪上)焦仲卿Johnny(边走边道):Lunch!Lunch!Wherearemysocks?(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)Heretheyare!(闻一下)Er!Howsmelly!Theyarestilldirty!(突然想起)Lunchhasgone!Ihavetowashthemmyself.(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)Oh,Imsohungry!Buttheresnobreakfast!(捡起地上的围裙)ThisiswhatLunchalwayswears!Imisshersomuch,andherexcellentcookingskill!Nowshehasgone.Ihavetocookformymotherandmyself.焦母（JM）:Wheresmybreakfast?WheresLunch?Hasntshegotupyet?焦仲卿Johnny:Mum,cantyouremember?Lunchhasgone!焦母（JM）(沉吟片刻):Well,totellyouthetruthJohnny,asonwithoutawifeisuseless.Lunchisanicegirl,goandtakeherback!焦仲卿Johnny(立正敬礼):Yesmadam!Act4(焦仲卿Johnny开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)A:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!Theroadisbuiltbyme!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)B:AndIplantedonetree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)C:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet-(欲踩石头，但踩到了A的脚)AB&C:Giveusallyourmoney!焦仲卿Johnny(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出1角硬币):Is1maoenough?(三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量) 3A:Whatbadluck!Thisguyisbroken!B:Ifwecannotrobanymoneytoday,wewillhavenothingtoeattonight!C:IheardthatthemayorssonisgoingtomarryMissLiuLanzhinextmonth.WEcangoandrobthewedding!A&B:Goodidea!焦仲卿Johnny(惊讶):What?What?Lunchisgoingtogetmarried?Itsimpossible!AB&C:Why?Aprettygirlandarichman,whatagoodcouple!焦仲卿Johnny:ButLunchismywife!Wehaventgotdivorcedyet!(突然有了主意)Ivegotanidea!Youaregoingtorobthewedding,dontyou?Illgowithyou.YoutakethemoneyandItakethebride.B:Haveyougotanyexperience?焦仲卿Johnny:No.ButIvegotthis!(J脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书1，000，000)Act5(转眼已到了婚礼之期太守之子意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，刘兰芝Luch盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)(焦仲卿Johnny和三强盗跃至台中)ABC&焦仲卿Johnny:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!A:Theroadisbuiltbyme!B:AndIplantedonetree.C:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet-焦仲卿Johnny:Giveusallyourmoney!刘兰芝(Luch)听到焦仲卿Johnny的声音，掀起了盖头)刘兰芝(Luch)(惊喜万分):Johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到焦仲卿Johnny的身边并躲到了的身后)(太守之子大怒，挥拳向焦仲卿Johnn打来焦仲卿Johnny矮身一躲，太守之子打中了焦仲卿Johnny身后的刘兰芝(Luch)，刘兰芝(Luch)晕倒)焦仲卿Johnny(火冒三丈):Howdareyoubeatmywife!（挥拳向太守之子冲去）(焦仲卿Johnny与太守之子混战，焦母上，以拐杖击晕太守之子)(焦仲卿Johnn将太守之子胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)焦仲卿Johnny(扶起刘兰芝(Luch)，关切地问):Honey,howareyou?刘兰芝(Luch)(哭状):Ihurtalot!焦仲卿Johnny:Dontcrybaby.Illgoandfetchthemedicine.(下)刘兰芝(Luch)(起身去追):Waitforme!(跑下)荆珂刺秦王搞笑英语话剧剧本旁白(Aside)/介绍（Introduction）：Longagotherewasacrazycountry,inthiscrazycountrythereweresomecrazypeople,tryingtoshowthecrazyhistorybycrazyways.MrJingkewasthemostfamousswordsmanandwassenttokillkingofQing,“Yingzheng”.Butfinallyhefailed.Doyouwanttoknowwhathappenedatthattime?Okay,nextshowwilltellyouthetruth.ActionI太子丹（上，掏出镜子梳头，做自恋状）：Mirror,mirror,tellme,whoisthemostprettymanintheworld?(画外音：Itsyou,PrinceDan!太子丹高兴状)Thankumirror!（面对观众）ImPrinceDan,themagicmirrorsaidIamthemostattractivemanintheworld.ButYingZhengisajealousguy,Ifeelhewillkillmeifmirrortoldhimthetruth.Iamsoscared.SowhatcanIdo?(向幕里大叫)Whereismyminister?阿三(毕恭毕敬):Honey,Iamcoming.太子丹：Ivetoldyouagainandagainthatyoushouldcallme“mymostbeautiful、graceful、handsome、charming、cute、smartanddearestPrinceDan”!阿三：Sure,honey!Ihaveagoodidea.WecanfindaherotokillYingZheng（作杀状）太子：Ohyeah.Whatisthemostexpensivecommodityinthiscentury?Talent!（二十一世纪最需要的是什么，人才！这句话要跟观众交流，最好由观众来回答，然后拍阿三肩膀，做赞许状）Goodidea!Butwhoistherightcandidate?阿三：AfterscreeningIhavetwopromisingpersonsonhand.OneisMissLiMoChou,theotherisMrJinKe.TomorrowtheywillPKfortheNO1killeroftheworld.太子：Well,showmethewinnerassoonaspossible,OK?阿三：Yes.ActionII（十面埋伏中刘德华&金成武决斗时的音乐）荆轲AreyouLimochou?李莫愁Yes.荆轲OK.ImJingke,youknow,IwillletyouknowIamthekingofthekillersworld.李莫愁Areyouchallengingme?荆轲Offcourse!耸耸肩表示同意李莫愁Comeon!音乐起两人冲上前来阅读会员限时特惠 7大会员特权立即尝鲜 “人在江湖漂啊，哪有不挨刀啊，一刀砍死你啊，两刀砍死你啊。”李莫愁倒地荆轲大笑李莫愁痛苦状：Whathappened?Whyarentyouhurt?荆轲:Wedontneedanyreasontow