小品不差钱英文版.doc

Got the Money AnywayCharactersUncle Zhao, acted by Zhao BenshanShenyang, acted by Shen HeCCTV Man, acted by Bi FujianYadar, acted by Wang Jinfeng (Mao Mao)（舞台上是一个餐厅的背景，写着：“苏格兰情调”。本山大叔穿着中山装，身上背着一串蒜头，手上拿着野鸡，拉着毛毛上场。）(This short play is set in a restaurant named Scottish Taste / Feel. Uncle Zhao, in his customary Chinese tunic suit, enters, carrying a string of garlic on his back and a pheasant in hand, with his granddaughter Yadar in tow.)Uncle Zhao Here we are.Yadar Here we are.Uncle Zhao Its the most pricy eating restaurant in Tieling: Scottish Tease / Fool.Yadar You got it wrong - Scottish taste / feel, not tease / fool.Uncle Zhao All right, taste / feel. Were gonna have our meal here anyway.Yadar But its very expensive.Uncle Zhao So whut? Weve got the money, 30,000 yuan. Wheres the bag?Yadar What bag?Uncle Zhao The yellow one with the money in it.Yadar Oh no, I left it on the brick bed.Uncle Zhao So what can you do at all? Im doing all this for you and you had the nerve to forget the bag on the bed! Any money left on you?Yadar Let me see. (Fumbling) only 70- yuan.Uncle Zhao Heres 400 more.Yadar Still not enough.Uncle Zhao It doesnt matter. Waiter!(Shenyang, the waiter, enters.)Shenyang Sorry, sir. Were of high class here. We dont take on stuff from street peddlers.Uncle Zhao Were your customers. Dont we look so?Shenyang Not quite.Uncle Zhao Were gonna have an important meal here, miss.Shenyang Dont you call me miss. Im a man - from the inside out.Uncle Zhao Then how come you are weaingr a skirt?Shenyang Why, its mens wear in Scottish style. See, its no skirt but pants. Look at this, look. Oh, damn it, I didnt get into one of the trousers in a hurry. No wonder I feel different while walking.Uncle Zhao Leave that trouser for tomorrow, hah! I tell you, boy, were gonna have a damn important guest here in a minute. You should do you best.Shenyang No problem.Uncle Zhao How much does a meal cost here if we get at it like mad?Shenyang Why so / Whats wrong?Uncle Zhao I mean if we order nothing but the best.Shenyang About 10,000 yuan to 20,000 yuan.Uncle Zhao Whut if we eat today and pays tomorrowShenyang Youll give me an IOU?Uncle Zhao Not that. Ive got the money anyway. Take this.Shenyang Whats it?Uncle Zhao A tip for you.Shenyang You do understand people, sir - you look cool!Uncle Zhao A hundren yuan is nothing to me! Still, you counldnt get it for nothing. When my guest comes, you put on a show with me. If I order expensive food, you should say there is no such kind of food in your restaurant.Shenyang Like how?Uncle Zhao Showin due respect for my guest, yes. Spending too much on a meal, no. Whut if I ask for something dear?Shenyang Ill say sorry, we dont have this.Uncle Zhao Youre smart. Come, heres another 30 yuan.Shenyang Im not gonna cheat you when it comes to prices.Uncle Zhao Thank you, boy.Shenyang Nothing much.Yadar Grandpa, Im hungry.Uncle Zhao How muchs a bowl of noodles?Shenyang 78 yuan.Uncle Zhao Whut noodles can be so expensive?Shenyang Scottish sauced noodles.Uncle Zhao Does the sauce cost much, too?Shenyang Its free.Uncle Zhao Get us a bowl of sauce, so we can see whether the tastes right. Quick.Shenyang Thats no way to serve a meal, sir.Uncle Zhao You think so only because I didnt show up here before. Now its time to make some change.Shenyang (to himself) Had I said the noodles are free, he wouldve asked for noodles. (Exits) Uncle Zhao (to Yadar) Listen here, Yadar. When Mr. Bi from CCTVs Starlight Broadway comes, you must show your best, OK? Its the best opportnity for your own future. Grandpas been preparing this for over the past 40-plus years.Yadar Grandpa, see how old I am now.Uncle Zhao I prepared your daddy for 30 extra years. Though he aint good enough, hes the chief of the townships cultural center. So you really should outdo him. Can you make it or not?Yadar I can.Uncle Zhao Swear if youre serious.Yadar The Yangtze River like the Hong waters rolls on and on, Each wave behind higher than the one at the front. Young people are born to challenge their elders; Ill beach my daddy like. like a wrecked old ship.Uncle Zhao Good for you / Well said!(Shenyang enters again.)Shenyang Heres the sauce for you.Uncle Zhao (to Yadar) Eat this, so you wont be too hungry.Yadar Grandpa, its a bit salty.Uncle Zhao (to Shenyang) Fetch her sme water to drink.Shenyang You mean free water?Uncle Zhao Just plain boiled water.(Bi Fujian, MC / anchorman of CCTVs Starlight Broadway program, enters.)Shenyang Why, arent you that one - Zhujun! Oh sorry. Bai Yansong? Oh no. Or! Are you Mr. Bi?CCTV Man Im Bi Fujian.Shenyang Come here everyone, its Mr. Bi here. (To CCTV Man) Why are you hanging out here, sir? Hurry up! Come here! He can go elsewhere at any minute.Uncle Zhao What the hells going on? Anything to be so fussy abut? Youre being hounded by a wolf?Shenyang Hes Mr. Bi.Uncle Zhao I know, an hes the guest Im honored to keep company today.Shenyang Gosh, can I have a picture taken with you, Mr. Bi?Uncle Zhao (to Shenyang) Wait, wait. (To CCTV Man) Welcme, Mr. Bi.CCTV Man Nice to meet you.Uncle Zhao Ive been waitin all this time for you.CCTV Man Thanks a lot really. May I have your name please?Uncle Zhao Which man did you expect to see?CCTV Man Im looking for Zhao Tiezhu, chief of Lotus Townships cultural center.Uncle Zhao You got it. Heres his daddy and Im.Yadar Zhao Tiezhu is my daddy.Uncle Zhao An Im Tiezhus daddy. Arent you lookin for a dad. I mean its right to be looking my way.CCTV Man Hi, daddy. I mean buddy. So wheres your son?Uncle Zhao Hes at the township waiting for you. Local government officials all lining up, too, to pay their pious respects to you. With enormous care theyve prepared a great hall, a big room, with a large photo of you hung in the middle. Flowers all around.CCTV Man Whatre the colors of the flowers, buddy?Uncle Zhao Theyre all in white and yellow. Lots of folks waiting for you with signature pens in hands, tears spillin all over.CCTV Man Whys that?Uncle Zhao Theyre excited.CCTV Man Lets go there, then.Uncle Zhao The center asked me to feast you here in town first. How abut that? CCTV Man Why here?Uncle Zhao Here weve got the best restaurant in Tieling. Do come this way please.CCTV Man But Ive had my meal on the plane.Uncle Zhao Youre my guest, so please follow my arrangements.Shenyang A picture of the two of us, please.CCTV Man (to Shenyang) Youre. a male waiter?Shenyang Yup.CCTV Man You look awfully, awfully sweet, boy.Uncle Zhao I, too, took him to be a woman when I first came. How funny he is dressin up like this? Sit down here. Did you enjoy your trip?CCTV Man Yes, quite.Uncle Zhao We mus be fellow townsmen.CCTV Man Are we?Uncle Zhao Aint you from Dalian?CCTV Man Sure.Uncle Zhao Which part?CCTV Man Old Turtle Bend.Uncle Zhao Where her mummys daddy used to live, too. So were even relatives.CCTV Man (to Yadar) Whats his name?Yadar Bi Menting.CCTV Man Your grandpa must be good at playing mahjong.Uncle Zhao Why?CCTV Man The name sounds like a mahjong term.Uncle Zhao That matches you nickname Bi Mengpao, as youre a mahjong man youself.CCTV Man Just Bi Fujian.Uncle Zhao Yeah, whut an. well, Im really. (To Yadar) Look, he smiles like the last picture of you dead grandpa.Yadar Look, even more like it when he doesnt.CCTV Man So Im hopeless either way.Uncle Zhao The girls much closer to her maternal grandpa than to me. Sort of cried her heart out when he died. Say hello to you new grandpa.Yadar (kneeling down / with a kowtow) How do you do, grandpa.CCTV Man Dont, please. Its Spring Festvial now, and I shouldve given you some gift money.Uncle Zhao Dont bother with that, sir. Youre indeed.Shenyang We havent had our picture taken, sir.Uncle Zhao (to Shenyang) We havent ordered our dishes yet. Put this damn thing away. Well see whut to eat first. Cme.Shenyang Just one picture, please.Uncle Zhao Serve the meal first.Shenyang What if he runs away after the meal?Uncle Zhao Who will? Mr. Bis a modest man, coming all his way from Beijin to give us folks a chance. Dont you say a thing like that. (To CCTV Man) Im whatt they call a country pumpkin, my dear in-law, not really knowin how to treat a guest. So you please order the dishes.CCTV Man Dont be too polite. You do it.Uncle Zhao Now we peasants have got rich, much better off than before. Eat as much as you want, it aint gonna be a big deal anyway. Please give me the menu.CCTV Man Dont be extravagant, buddy.Uncle Zhao Australian abalones, four.Shenyang Sorry, theyre out of stock.CCTV Man Too expensive anyway. Lets move on down.Uncle Zhao Lobsters of 2 kilos each.Shenyang Sorry, nothing that big. Uncle Zhao Whut kind do you have?Shenyang Half a kilo each.Uncle Zhao Somethin you really have?Shenyang Yes we do. or no?Uncle Zhao Come on, boy, its you take care of things here. Dont you know what youve got an what not? Ill neer shortchange you.Shenyang So no, we havent got lobsters.CCTV Man Let me have a look. Even less need for ordering sharks fin.Uncle Zhao I wont. Once a sharp bone in a fish got stuck in my troat. I tried to remove it by swallowin lumps of rice an softenin it with vinegar. It didnt work, though. I was then rushed to hospital to get it picked back out with sme tweezers. So, sharp stuff jus wont do.CCTV Man Not included on the menu, anyway.Uncle Zhao This restaurants got nothin to serve. Youve wasted you chance to make customers happy. A disgrace to my greatest guest Mr. Bi. Wheres you boss? Get him here.Shenyang No boss, sir.Uncle Zhao Run out of a boss as well?Shenyang Well. the boss is out.Uncle Zhao Wheres he?Shenyang No idea.Uncle Zhao Whut the hell shall we have to eat, then?CCTV Man Just something homely.Uncle Zhao All right, homely fare then. A lovely little pheasant boiled with mushrooms.Shenyang Im sorry, sir.Uncle Zhao Thats whut you can have.Shenyang Something we really dont have.Uncle Zhao All right, serve the one we brought. Get it here, Yadar. Lucky we didnt cme with empty hands.CCTV Man No, buddy.Uncle Zhao I thought you could take it back to Beijin. As you cant, we might as well finish it up here an now.CCTV Man Pheasants are forbidden for consumption.Uncle Zhao This ones grown at home. Cook the wild mushrooms, too, in a high-pressure cooker till theyre throughly done. So far weve got one dish ready. Cme here, dumb bell.Shenyang What did you say?Uncle Zhao I mean plus a dumb egg.Shenyang We dont have any, sir!Uncle Zhao I do. All right.CCTV Man Buddy.Uncle Zhao Stir-fry the eggs with the green onions.CCTV Man Why bother yourself with every ingredient when coming to a restaurant?Uncle Zhao Theyve got no stuff like this here. Not even if youre willin to pay. See, weve got two dishes in all an thats fine! (To Shenyang) Now Im givin you a chance to show youre truly hospitable, with Mr. Bi here.Shenyang Well serve one dish for free. Youre too mean, sir, getting us to compliment you with one dish without ordering any yourself!Uncle Zhao I did place my order, boy. But whut did you have, abalones or lobsters?Shenyang Is it up to me to say yes?Uncle Zhao Is it up to me, then? How ridiculous!Shenyang Cut it out, sir. If I say yes, who knows whatll happen next?Uncle Zhao Have you got the things or not? Not that I aint get the money. Shenyang This I know, sir, but with Mr. Bi here, perhaps only for once, cant you stop being so stingy? I am still young, but I see life can be so very short, it sometimes is much the same as taking a sleep. Eyes closed, eyes opened, and a whole day is over. Eyes closed but never opened again - then your whole life is over.CCTV Man Thats wit! / What a master of wit!Uncle Zhao Not wit, hes a waiter. / To me, he jus stings like shit!Shenyang I didnt mean to offend you, sir.Uncle Zhao Then whut did you mean?Shenyang One shouldnt set too much stock on money. What good can it do, really? The most scary part of it all, sir, is to die leaving your money unused.Uncle Zhao Whuts more scary.Shenyang Yeah?Uncle Zhao . is to be left living with you money gone. Dont worry, boy. If you play your part well, Ill pay you well.Shenyang Do as you please.Uncle Zhao Go ahead.Shenyang (to himself) What a day. just too stingy.(Shenyang exits again.)Uncle Zhao (to CCTV Man) Preparin the dishes would take sme time, sir. Heres Yadar, my granddaughter. They all call her Yadar. She started showin promise to be artritis when very young.CCTV Man You mean an artist.Uncle Zhao Please test her to see whether shes good enough for you Broadway.CCTV Man Can she.Uncle Zhao Whut can she do, right? No problem!CCTV Man Now I see. You got me stuck here so your granddaughter can get into my program.Uncle Zhao Oh yeah, thats it.CCTV Man What exactly can she do?Uncle Zhao Yadar, show Grandpa Bi whut you can do. Waiter, give us a mike for a Karaoke show.(Shenyang enters for a third time.)Uncle Zhao (to Yadar) Stand over there.CCTV Man According to our rules.Uncle Zhao Whutre they?CCTV Man (to Yadar) . you shall introduce yourself first.Uncle Zhao Look right ahead, honey. Start from the beginnin. Dont be nervous.Yadar Im from the Lotus Pond Valley of the big Tieling City. My names Yadar. Today Im so incited. Tonight its so sunny, turning from cloudy to clear.Shenyang (giggling) Whatre you doing, reporting on the weather?Uncle Zhao Dont laugh at her. Shes talkin about how she feels.CCTV Man Go on.Yadar My feelings changed from cloudy to sunny. Because - because Ive found my grandpa. Grandpas great, he can take me to the Star Splashed Walkway.CCTV Man Starlight Broadway.Uncle Zhao Starlight Broadway.Yadar Broadway or whatever, Im grateful to grandpa for this chance. Ill be very thankful if you can take me to your Broadway. Ill thank your ancestors. I mean Ill thank you on behalf of my own ancestors of long, long years ago. I wont forget this great favor youve done me. I owe this new life of mine to you. Ill go on chasing you even after I die to become a ghost.CCTV Man (to Uncle Zhao) Grandpa. I mean you. The way she spoke sort of upset me.Uncle Zhao Eh. I guess she jus wants to revenge you.CCTV Man Is that so?Uncle Zhao No, I mean to repay you. Or reimburse you or whuteer. One should repay those whove generously helped him or her. When the girl becomes famous, she really shouldnt forget you. (To Yadar) Go ahead and sing.CCTV Man Can she sing a song?Uncle Zhao Sing The Qinghai-Tibetan / Qingzang Plateau by Li Guyi.Yadar Its by Li Na.Uncle Zhao Whoeer it is.Yadar (starting to sing) Ah, who brings here the earnest call of remote antiquity? Ah, who leaves behind the expectations of the millennium? Uncle Zhao Skip the middle part and move on to the final climax. (Trying to imitate) Yo-la-la. See?Yadar .Thats Qinghai-Tibetan / Qingzang Plateau,The highland of my soul!CCTV Man What a high pitch youve got for your age.Uncle Zhao Push higher up. Like this.Yadar Grandpa, the sauces hurt my voice a bit.(Shenyang giggles again)CCTV Man (to Yadar) Thats enough.Uncle Zhao Next, the game of ravin in tears after the show.CCTV Man Wait a minute.Uncle Zhao Gabbling between sobs.CCTV Man What exactly?Uncle Zhao Like Im from a poor family an lifes been extra hard for me.CCTV Man Not that yet. Hold it off till after shes got an award in Beijing. The Starlight Broadways about what people actually experience in real life. Theyre not supposed to act things out beforehand. Uncle Zhao See whut support shes got an how truly marvelous she is at singin? Itd be funny if she goes there without winnin! With you her grandpa here, Ive got nothin to worry about. (To Yadar) Cme on, Yadar. Show Grandpa Bi how you cry. (Back to CCTV Man) The girls fantastic. You only count to tree and shell sure break down. (Back to Yadar) One, two, tree - cry!Yadar I cant.Uncle Zhao Jus do it, Yadar. You bring tears to you eyes damn fast back home.Yadar Even by daybreak tomorrow I still wont make it.Uncle Zhao Aint you love your dead grandpa? Look, his photos right here.(Yadar tries to cry out but laughs instead)Uncle Zhao Thats gonna finish me! Why the hell are you sniggering, Yadar?Yadar Its so funny. what kind of a photo is that?CCTV Man (to Uncle Zhao) Be patient, buddy. (To Yadar) Remarkable talent and truly impressive delivery.Shenyang Do you call that remarkable? If she can go there, so can I.Uncle Zhao Where to?Shenyang To the Starlight Broadway.Uncle Zhao Creep way back to you stinkin brick bed!Shenyang Since Mr. Bis here, please give me a chance to try. I can sing, too.Uncle Zhao Whos got the time to listen? Whuts more, whut do you know about matters of art? A waiters a waiter, after all.Shenyang Let me sing.Uncle Zha