英语笑话大全.doc

Family problemsTwo men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.The Indian man said to the American, You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haventeven met once. We call this arranged marriage. I dont want to marry awoman whom I dont love. I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.The American said, Talking about love marriages. Ill tell you my story.I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my fathers father-in-law.Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my fathers brother and so he is my uncle.Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my fathers son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson. And you say you have family problems.1. Count to one Hundred Before You Speak In class,the teacher,with his back leaning against the stove,said to the students,Before you speak,you should think and count to at least 50,and for important matters to 100.No sooner had the teacher stopped talking than the students began to count. at last all the students shouted together,1.98,99,100.teacher,your clothes are on fire.数到一百再说课堂上，老师背靠火炉站着，对学生们说：“说话前要三思，起码数到50，重要的事情要数到一百。”老师的话音刚落，学生立刻从“1”开始数起来。最后一起喊：“98，99，100！老师，您的衣服着火了。”2.The Advantage of AlcoholIn order to prove the harmful effect of alcohol,the teacher put a bug into a glass filled with alcohol,soon the bug died. The teacher asked a student,what does this show?The student answered,It shows that people wont get parasites if they drink more alcohol.酒的好处为了证明酒精对生物的危害，老师把一只虫子放入装有酒精的杯子里，虫子很快就死了。老师问一个学生：“这说明了什么？”学生答道：“说明人多喝酒，就不会长虫子。”3.Exchange the Tortoise for the WolfTeacher:Some students are becoming arrogant.Do you remember the story about race between the hare and the tortoise?Now,Xiaoming,will you please tell us why the hare was defeated by the tortoise?Xiaoming:Because the hare fell asleep.Teacher:Absolutely right!What should we do so that the hare wont fall asleep?Xiaoming:Exchange the tortoise for the wolf.把乌龟换成狼老师：有些同学开始骄傲了，大家还记得龟兔赛跑的故事吗。小明，你说说看，兔子为什么输给乌龟？小明：因为它睡觉了。老师：对极了！我们应该怎么做才能让兔子不睡觉呢？小明：把乌龟换成狼！搞笑电脑问题大全：能帮我重启网络吗？Computer help desks are used to fielding oddball requests but sometimes the questions leave even the best of them stumped.Such as: Why isnt my wireless mouse connected to the computer?Or: Can you reset the Internet for me?Then there was the questioner who asked: Where can I get software to track UFOs?Robert Half Technology, a provider of information technology professionals based in Menlo Park, California, asked 1,400 chief information officers from companies across the United States to come up with the most baffling questions their help desks or technical support teams had ever received. Among the more unusual were:- My computer is telling me to press any key to continue. Where is the any key?- Can you rearrange the keyboard alphabetically?- My daughter is locked in the bathroom, can you pick the lock?- Can you tell me the weather forecast for next year?- Can you install cable TV on my PC?Then there was the computer user who confused the CD-ROM drive with a drink holder and asked: How do I get my computers coffee-cup holder to come out again?Katherine Spencer Lee, executive director of Robert Half Technology, said such queries were a test of the skills of the help and technical support desks.These unusual requests highlight the need for technical support personnel to also demonstrate patience, empathy and a sense of humor, she said.帮用户解决电脑问题是电脑技术支持的主要职责，但有时用户提的问题甚至把IT精英们都给难倒了。比如：“为什么我的无线鼠标没连在电脑上？”再如：“能帮我重启一下网络吗？”还有人会问：“在哪能下载追踪UFO的软件？”总部位于加州门罗园的“罗伯特1/2”IT咨询公司日前对美国各地的1400位公司IT主管进行了一项调查，让他们列出公司的技术咨询或支持部门所遇到的“最难回答”的问题。其中包括：“电脑提示：请按任意键继续。这个任意键在哪？”“你能将键盘按字母顺序重排吗？”“我女儿被锁在浴室了，你能开锁吗？”“能不能帮我查查明年的天气预报？”“能帮我在电脑上安装有线电视吗？”还有一位用户将光盘驱动器（CD-ROM）与一种杯架混淆了，问曰：“怎么把电脑上的咖啡杯架弄出来？”“罗伯特1/2”IT咨询公司的执行官凯瑟琳斯宾塞李说，这些问题对于技术人员来说的确是个考验。她说：“技术人员在解答这些问题时，一定要有耐心，要理解用户，还要有些幽默感。”l Fresh RicherA fresh richer is purchasing coffin in the store for the deathA person asks him：“Which one is better？”He says：“Of course the zinc1)filled is more durable2)，but the wooden is helpful to the health”新 贵一个新贵在墓葬品商店选购他死时要用的棺材，有人问他：“最好买哪一种？”他说：“镀锌的棺材当然比较耐用，但木制棺材有益于健康。” NOTE 注释：1. zinc n. 锌 vt. 涂锌于.2. durable adj. 持久的, 耐用的ll The reds or the greens？Two apples up in a tree were looking down on the worldThe first apple said，“Look at all those people fighting，robbing，rioting no one seems willing to get along with his fellow manSome day we apples will be the only ones leftThen well rule the world”Replied the second apple，“Which of us the reds or the greens？”红的还是绿的？树上的两只苹果俯瞰着世界。第一只苹果说：“瞧瞧这些人吧，争斗、抢劫、骚乱似乎就没有人愿意与别的人好好相处。总有一天，我们苹果就会成为世上惟一的幸存者。到那时我们就将统治世界。”第二只苹果回答说：“我们中的哪些呢红的还是绿的？”本文无注释ll You dont have to pay for lightningTeacher：Who can tell me the difference between lightning and electricity？Student：You don t have to pay for lightning.闪电不用付钱老师：谁能告诉我闪电与电的区别？学生：闪电不用付钱。 本文无注释l H o n e s t yA man who is driving a car stopped by a police officerThe following exchange takes placeMan：Whats the problem，officer？Officer：You were going at least in a zoneMan：No，sir，I was going Wife：Oh，HarryYou were going （Man gives his wife a dirty look）Officer：I m also going to give you a ticket for your broken taillightMan：Broken taillight？I didnt know about a broken taillight。Wife：Oh Harry，youve known about that tail for weeks（Man gives his wife another dirty look）Officer：I m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat beltMan：Oh，I just took it off when you were walking up to the carWife：Oh，Harry，you never wear your seat beltMan：Shut your dang mouth。Officer：（Turns to the woman）：Ma am，does your husband talk to you this way all the time？Wife：No，only when hes drunk诚 实警官让一位驾车的男士停下车。随后出现如下的对话：男士：警官，有什么问题？警官：你在限速英里的地段开到至少英里。男士：不，长官，是英里。妻子：啊，哈里，你刚才开到英里。（男士瞪了妻子一眼。）警官：我还要给你张罚单，你的尾灯碎了。男士：尾灯碎了？你不说，我还真不知道尾灯碎了。妻子：哦，哈里，几个星期以前你就知道了。（男士又恶狠狠地瞪了她一眼。）警官：我还要给你张传票，你没系安全带。男士：噢，你朝我车走过来的时候我才解开的。妻子：啊，哈里，你从来都不系安全带。男士：闭上你的臭嘴。警官：（转向女士）夫人，你丈夫总是这样跟你说话吗？妻子：不，只有当他醉了的时候。本文无注释l He must have a computerA mother was teaching her -year-old son about God. “Do you know, ”she said to him one day, “that God knows where everybody is all the time, and exactly what they are doing. ”The little boy looked at his mother wide-eyed and said, “Wow. He must have a computer.”他一定有台电脑一位母亲给她岁的儿子讲上帝。“你知道吗, ”有一天她对他说, “无论一个人在哪里, 在干什么事情, 上帝都知道。”小男孩睁大了眼睛看着他妈妈说, “哇。那他一定有一台电脑。”本文无注释l Nice TryMy wife and I were stopped by a state policeman. He started to write up a speeding ticket. My wife, whos a hair stylist, said, “If you let us off with a warning, Ill give you a free haircut for a year. ”The policeman removed his hat-and he was completely bald. by Peter Orphanos尝 试我和妻子被警察拦住了，他给我们开一个超速的罚款单。我的妻子是一个发型设计师，于是她就对警察说，“如果你让我们免于警告，我就为你免费理发一年。”警察脱下他的帽子他是一个光头。本文无注释ll Who is DisgustingFirst：“My neighbor is very disgusting，who moved here recently，he rang the bell of my house with a rush late at night”Second：“It is disgusting in faith，do you call the police？”First：“NoI just take him as a madman，and continue to play my piano”谁可恶甲：“我家新搬来的邻居好可恶，竟然深更半夜跑来猛按我家的门铃。”乙：“的确可恶。你有没有报警？”甲：“没有。我当他是疯子，继续弹我的琴。”本文无注释l Where the Declaration of Independence was signed?Teacher：“Who knows where the Declaration of In dependence was signed？”Student：“I know，I knowAt the bottom of the page”独立宣言是在哪儿签字的？老师：“谁知道独立宣言在哪儿签字的？”学生：“我知道，我知道。是在那页纸的底部。”本文无注释l Driving carFather：“Uh，oh，I think I just made an illegal righthand turn”Susie：“That s okay，Dad，the policeman behind you just did the same thing”开 车父亲：“哎呀，我刚才违规右转弯了。”苏茜：“没事，爸，跟在你后面的警察也这么转了。”本文无注释ll HumorMother：“Susie，every time you misbehave，I get another gray hair”Susie：“Gosh，mom，you must have been a terrorJust look at Grandma”幽 默母亲：“苏茜，每次你表现不好，我就多长一根白头发。”苏茜：“天哪，妈，那你肯定一直都表现很糟。看看外婆吧。”本文无注释l Not Necessary To AnswerTeacher：“I have two questions，it isnt necessary to answer the second question if you know the result of the first questionHow much hair do you have？”Student ：“A hundred and twenty millions”Teacher：“How do you know it？”Student：“It is not necessary to answer the second question”无 需 回 答老师：“我有两个题目，你若能答出第一题就不需答第二题。你有多少根头发？”学生：“亿根。”老师：“你怎么知道？”学生：“第二题不需回答。”本文无注释l Now I can go homeOne day after school the teacher said to his students，“Tomorrow morning，if any one of you can answer my first questionIll permit him or her to go home earlier” The next day，when the teacher came into the classroom，he found the blackboard daubedHe was very angry and asked，“Who did it？Please stand up! ” “It s me，”said Bob，“Now，I can go home，Goodbye，Sir! ”我 可 以 回 家 了一天，放学