Cabin Pressure - Cremona.doc

CABIN PRESSURESeries 1, Episode 3: CREMONA(bing bong!)DOUGLAS: Good evening. This is First Officer Douglas Richardson. Just to let you know were now making our final preparations to Fly You To The Moon. While were airborne I do hope youll take advantage of the opportunity to play among the stars; those of you sitting on the left-hand side of the aircraft should have an excellent view of what spring is like on Jupiter . . . and on the right-hand side, Mars. In other words, hold my hand; in other words, baby, kiss me. Cabin doors to automatic.OPENING CREDITS BC:This week: Cremona!MARTIN: chuckles Very good, very good. Okay, my turn.DOUGLAS: All right. Do . . . Come Fly With Me.MARTIN: clears throat (bing bong!) Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. On behalf of MJN Air Id like to invite you to sings Come fly with me, lets fly, lets fly awaCAROLYN: intercom Martin! Martin, what on earth are you doing?MARTIN: Carolyn! Iohyes! Nothing!CAROLYN: Whats going on in there? Youve been on stand for half an hour! Ive been waiting for you in the portacabin!DOUGLAS: Yes, we saw your light was on and we thought you might still be there.CAROLYN: But you didnt come in!DOUGLAS: No, we saw your light was on and we thought you might still be there.CAROLYN: Well, come in now. I want to talk to you. Well heaven knows thats not true, but I have things to tell you.In the portacabin.CAROLYN: Ah! At last. Now then, guess whos got a job tomorrow? Ill give you a clue: its us.DOUGLAS: And they called Hitchcock the master of suspense.CAROLYN: Anyway, youll like this trip. You are taking a film star to Italy.MARTIN: A film star?CAROLYN: Mm-hmm.MARTIN: Which one?CAROLYN: Hester Macaulay.MARTIN: Oh, yes, wasnt sheARTHUR: HESTER MACAULAY?!DOUGLAS: Good lord, Arthur, I didnt know you were here!ARTHUR: Hester Macaulay?! The Lady of the Lake?! In my cabin?! MARTIN: What were you doing behind there?CAROLYN: And what are you talking about, idiot child?ARTHUR: She was Griselda, the Lady of the Lake! In Quest for Camelot! CAROLYN: Oh, was she.ARTHUR: YES! Shes the one who tells Arthur to bring her Excalibur!DOUGLAS: Bring her Excalibur? Surely she gives him Excalibur.ARTHUR: How could she give him Excalibur? Excaliburs a person.DOUGLAS: Right. Keen Arthurian scholars, were they, these filmmakers?ARTHUR: Well, I say person; obviously it famously turns out hes a vampire!CAROLYN: Arthur? Theres something on your face.ARTHUR: Oh. Got it?CAROLYN: No, no, lower, its hanging off the bottom of your face. Its a sort of huge shelf of bone and flesh, and its flapping about making a horrible noise. Will you make it stop?ARTHUR: Right. Yes. Sorry, Mum.CAROLYN: Thank you. Now scatter to the winds, all of you. Martin, flight plan; Douglas, load sheet; Arthur, coffee.ARTHUR: Right.CAROLYN: Fly, my pretties, fly!MARTIN: Come on, monkey face.ARTHUR: Right-o! They exit.DOUGLAS: Cremona? So I imagine were staying at the Excelsior?CAROLYN: Then carry on imagining, Douglas, because thats as close as youre getting. Ms Macaulay will be at the Excelsior. You will be over the road at the Garibaldi.DOUGLAS: Oh, no! The Garibaldis an absolute dump!CAROLYN: A dump, yes, but a keenly priced dump.DOUGLAS: If this was a proper airline wed be staying at the Excelsior.CAROLYN: Agreed, and if you were proper pilots youd be flying with a proper airline. Impasse. Now go and do me that load sheet. One passenger, and a dozen shirts.DOUGLAS: One of our sweatier actresses, is she?CAROLYN: No, the films set in Fascist Italy. And apparently the studio needs some extra black shirts for the, um . . . DOUGLAS: Extras?CAROLYN: Yes, playing . . . DOUGLAS: Blackshirts?CAROLYN: Precisely.The next day, in the portacabin.MARTIN: Good moooorning, madam, and welco No. Maam. Good morning, maam, and welc No, shes not the Queen! Hmm. Good morning, Ms Macaulay, and wel No, madam. ARTHUR and DOUGLAS enter, with the sound of voices in the backgroundARTHUR: thing is, is it unprofessional to tell a passenger that you once made a collage of her face out of pasta shapes?DOUGLAS: Hmm. I really dont know.ARTHUR: You see, part of me thinksDOUGLAS: Oh, Im sorry, did I say know? I meant care. I dont really care. Morning, Martin, youre looking very smart.MARTIN: No Im not, no more than usual, this is how I always look, what are you saying?DOUGLAS: Yes, youre quite right, it was an unforgivable compliment, I do apologize. Now then, Arthur, spot test.ARTHUR: Oh, great! I love these.DOUGLAS: What can you tell me about the group of people we passed just now waiting outside the portacabin?ARTHUR: Right. Um, I didnt really notice them. Um . . . Mostly men, I think. Uh, I think one of them had a beard . . . thats it.DOUGLAS: There are about thirty of them, all wearing homemade suits of armour, and singing a song about a dragon.ARTHUR: Yeah, now you say that . . . MARTIN: Suits of armour? Why on earthHESTER MACAULAY enters, accompanied by the strains of the crowd singing as it was written, so it shall BEEEEE . . . !HESTER: Thank you, thank you! Yes, thank you. door slams shut Oh. Hello. MJN Air?MARTIN: Yes! Hel-lo. Er, good morning, missmadam, and well, m-m-madam Macaulay, miss MammMmMs Macaulay!HESTER: Ooh! Thank you. But please, call me Hester.DOUGLAS: Yes, the full titles rather a mouthful, isnt it?MARTIN: Th-th-th-this is First OffiI mean, Im . . . Captain Martin Crieff, but this is the first officer, Douglas Richardson, the co-pilot.HESTER: Pleased to meet you, Mr Co-Pilot. Is that like being a co-star?DOUGLAS: I suppose it is, yes.MARTIN: laughs Well not really, I mean, co-star is equal with the other co-star whereas the co-pilot is junior to me.HESTER: Oh yes, Im sure he is, Captain Crieff.MARTIN: Please, call me madamMARTIN! HESTER: Thank you, Martin, I will. And who is this?ARTHUR: Hello! I am Arthur.HESTER: What.ARTHUR: Er . . . Im Arthur?HESTER: King of the Britons?ARTHUR: Steward of the Aeroplane.DOUGLAS: He, er, he really is called Arthur.HESTER: Oh. Oh, Im so sorry, Arthur. I thought you were one of those . . . idiotic fans. Now, I wonder if I could just have a quick word with the manager?MARTIN: Oh yes, yes, of course! Just through that door there.HESTER: Thank you so much, Captainah, Martin.MARTIN: Oh, youre quite welcome, Hester.HESTER exits.DOUGLAS: Oh, quite welcome, Hester. Quite, quite, quite.MARTIN: Jealous!In CAROLYNs office.CAROLYN: Oh! Hello. You must be Ms Macaulay. How splendid to meet you.HESTER: Wheres the manager? I want to speak to him.CAROLYN: Well, Im her. Carolyn Knapp-Shappey, owner and manager.HESTER: Right. Then what the hell is going on here? I arrive at what Im assured is a competent and discreet private charter firm to find the entrance thronged with my fans.CAROLYN: Would you call them a throng?HESTER: Through which I have to fight my own way!CAROLYN: Im not sure thirtys a throng. A gathering, maybe.HESTER: Because no one is there to meet me, to help me from the taxi, to take my luggage, to show me to theCAROLYN: Oh Im so sorry, I had no idea. Well make arrangements immediately. Now may I ask the precise nature of your disability?HESTER: What? Im not disabled!CAROLYN: Oh! Oh, Im sorry, I thought you said you couldnt get out of a taxi without help.HESTER: Listen. Have you even flown a film star before?CAROLYN: We took Norman Pace to Farnborough. Hes a lovely man.HESTER: Well, I am not Norman Pace.CAROLYN: I was beginning to suspect as much.HESTER: Listen to me, dearie. One more crack out of you and the executive producer of this film will cancel the contract and re-book me on a flight with a professional company.CAROLYN: after a pause Im so sorry if I have in any way offended you. Nothing could be further from my intention.HESTER: Thats better. And another thingis that strange little red-faced man actually a qualified pilot? I mean, am I safe to fly with him? CAROLYN: I can assure you that Captain Crieff is very nearly the best pilot in the company. Later, in the flight deck.MARTIN: . . . and beside that we have the artificial horizon.HESTER: Gosh, yes! What does it do?MARTIN: Well, it just tells you if youre flying level, or . . . HESTER: Ah!MARTIN: . . . or, or, or-or not level. And if youre not flying level you can correct it on the basis of that. And fly more . . . more . . . DOUGLAS: Levelly?MARTIN: Levelly!DOUGLAS: Lovely.MARTIN: And these are the altimetersHESTER: Really? They sound like a nice middle-class couple, dont they? DOUGLAS and HESTER laugh; MARTIN joins in.MARTIN: H-how dyou mean?HESTER: You know. Oh, do come in, lovely to see you. Now, have you met the Altimeters?MARTIN: Oh! laughing, finally relieved to get the joke I see! Yes, thats very good! Yes, the Altimeters! Mrs Altimeter and Mr Altimeter! Im-Im-Im Greg Altimeter and this is my wife, Katherine Altimeter! HESTER: . . . Exactly, yes. Why do you need two?MARTIN: Um, just in case one goes wrong.DOUGLAS: Thats the theory, anyway. In practice, its like Confucius says, Man with one altimeter, always know height; man with two, never certain.HESTER: laughsMARTIN: Oh, I know loads like that! laughs, puts on horrible faux-Chinese accent Confucius, he say . . . pause Oh, theyve, um, theyve all gone out of my head.HESTER: Oh, never mind. I probably ought to go back now, actually. Thank you so much for showing me around up here.MARTIN: Yes. Right, yes, of course. Well, Im glad you enjoyed it. Who knows, maybe you can show me around a film set one day.HESTER: after a beat Maybe. Who knows.MARTIN: Never eat yellow snow!HESTER: What?MARTIN: Confucius! Hewell, t-thats . . . not one of the best ones.HESTER: Okay. Exits.MARTIN: sighs What a lovely woman.DOUGLAS: Oh, did you like her? You seemed rather cool and distant.MARTIN: Oh no! Did I? Really?DOUGLAS: No.In the passenger cabinARTHUR: Hello.HESTER: Oh, hello. ARTHUR: Might I ask yourself at this time if yourself would care to partake of the enjoyment of the in-flight entertainment system we do provide on the aircraft today?HESTER: What?ARTHUR: Shall I put the telly on?HESTER: Thats sweet of you, but Im quite happy reading my book. Thank you.ARTHUR: Youre welcome.HESTER: Is that all?ARTHUR: Yes, thats all. Except . . . Im-Im sorry about that thing when you met me and you thought I was a fan.HESTER: Oh. No, no, no, I . . . I should apologize to you. Its just . . . those ridiculous Camelot idiots. They follow me all over the world singing and chanting and telling me theyre my biggest fans. It gets to one a little sometimes, you know?ARTHUR: Right. I see. Still, though, I just want to say: I am your biggest fan.HESTER: Oh really?ARTHUR: Absolutely!HESTER: Enjoy my Clytemnestra, did you?ARTHUR: Your Clyte . . . ?HESTER: My career-defining Clytemnestra at Stratford. Or perhaps you preferred my Olivier Award-winning performance in A Dolls House?ARTHUR: You performed in a dolls house?!HESTER: No? Well, perhaps youre more of a movie buff.ARTHUR: Yes! I just lovedHESTER: No, dont tell me, Im keen to guess. A Light Shines Darkly? Tails, You Lose? Fardels Bear?ARTHUR: No, I lovedHESTER: Because I hope you werent about to suggest that youre my biggest fan based on two miserable weeks I spent up to my bosom in pond weed filming some ridiculous fantasy dreck I only agreed to because my little cat needed a dialysis machine! ARTHUR: Right. No, I like the other ones. Did your cat get better?HESTER: No, she died.ARTHUR: Oh dear. Still, you know what they say about cats.HESTER: What?ARTHUR: Theyve got nine lives! So, maybe . . . shes still alive!HESTER: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT! ARTHUR: Right-o!Enter CAROLYN.CAROLYN: Everything all right in here?ARTHUR: Im just getting out of a clients sight! Exits.CAROLYN: So often the key to a happy flight. HESTER: Do please explain to me what the hell is going on here?CAROLYN: Difficult book, is it?HESTER: Not the book! The fact that, having assured me I would have no more trouble from my weird fans, you appear to have assigned me one as my steward!CAROLYN: I apologize, madam, but . . . Can I congratulate you on the hard-line manner in which you dealt with the menace?HESTER: What?CAROLYN: Oh, its just that so many people, faced with someone shyly telling them they liked their work, would simply have smiled and said Thank you but not you. You let the bastard have it with both barrels! Well done, you!HESTER: Listen. Its not too late for me to walk out on you, you know.CAROLYN: Thats true, so long as you can phone your executive producer before we take off. May I just remind you all electronic equipment must be switched off until after we take off?HESTER: I am the executive producer.CAROLYN: How can I make madams journey more comfortable?HESTER: Thats better. I want that Camelot freak kept out of my sight. You can do my stewardessing, and you can start by bringing me a lemon tea.CAROLYN: Instantly, madam. draws the cabin entrance curtains back Arthur, put the kettle on and dig out those lemon hand wipes!In Cremona, at the Excelsior.ARTHUR: Wow, this hotels amazing! Look, that whole walls a waterfall!MARTIN: Dont get too attached to it, the Garibaldi is pretty different. Though to be fair, it does also have water running down the walls.DOUGLAS: Ms Macaulay, may I present . . . the Excelsior.HESTER: Oh, its lovely, Douglas. Thank you so much.RECEPTIONIST: Buon giorno, signor! MARTIN: Oh. Buon giorno. Um, do you speak English?RECEPTIONIST: Of course, sir.MARTIN: Good, great. One room, please.RECEPTIONIST: Certainly. What name is it?MARTIN: Ms HesHESTER: Martin? MARTIN: Yes?HESTER: I dont use my real name. The fans, remember?MARTIN: Oh, yes, of course! What name do you use?HESTER: Oh, various ones. Often cartoon characters.ARTHUR: Oh, wow, did you nick that one off Notting Hill?HESTER: They nicked it off me. MARTIN: So what name shall I use?HESTER: You choose?MARTIN: Ah . . . yes. One room, please, for Ms . . . Jessica Rabbit.HESTER: Martin! MARTIN: Oh God, no! I mean, I didnt mean you look likenot that you dont look likewell, that, that you dobutum, not Jessica Rabbit; Mrs . . . Snoopy!HESTER: But why only one room? Where are you all staying? DOUGLAS: The Garibaldi.HESTER: Oh no. No, you mustnt stay there, its ghastly. They tried to put me up there when I did Who Do You Think You Are?.DOUGLAS: Oh, you have Italian relatives?HESTER: God no. But when the BBC offer to fly you to wherever your family are from, you dont say Kidderminster.The Garibaldi is the most awful dive. I insisted they move me. DOUGLAS: Oh dear. Well, Carolyn cant have known that when she booked it for us, can she, Martin?MARTIN: No.HESTER: If I were you Id just stay here! Oh, unless you have to. DOUGLAS: Captain?MARTIN: No, no we dont have to, good lord, no. Erm, three more rooms, please.RECEPTIONIST: Certainly, sir. What names?ARTHUR: Oooh oooh can I be Goofy?MARTIN: Douglas Richardson, Arthur Shappey, and Captain Martin Crieff.RECEPTIONIST: Ooooh, youre a capitan?MARTIN: Thats right, yes, Im an airline captain.RECEPTIONIST: So, did you want a suite?MARTIN: What?RECEPTIONIST: Well, generally when the air crews come, the capitan, he likes a suite.HESTER: Oooh!MARTIN: Yes! Er, the thing about that isRECEPTIONIST: No, sir, I ask because Im sorry, we have no left today.MARTIN: Oh! Oh, well. Well, yes, I would have liked one. I mean, obviously Im an airline captain. And frankly this is very shoddy. I mean, Ill rough it this once in one of your normal . . . five-star rooms, but Im very disappointed.RECEPTIONIST: Well, you could always take the staterooms.MARTIN: What?RECEPTIONIST: The staterooms, on the fifth floor. The whole of the fifth floor.HESTER: Oh yes Martin! Why dont you?MARTIN: Right. Yes! I will! Yes! Yes!DOUGLAS: Nonchalantly done.In the elevatorMARTIN: . . . And anything else I can do, you have my number, so dont hesitate to call! elevator pings closed ARTHUR: Wow, Skip, five-star hotel, eh? This is the life!MARTIN: No its not.ARTHUR: Isnt it?MARTIN: No. Were going straight back down to the lobby, refunding those rooms, and were going back to the Garibaldi. Im so sorry to disappoint you.ARTHUR: No, its fine. I dont like big hotel rooms, anyway. Too many drawers.MARTIN: Drawers?ARTHUR: Yeah. Cause, you know, you gotta put something in every drawer, havent you? Or it doesnt feel like home. And sometimes in these places I have to split pairs of socks.Back in the lobby, at the front deskMARTIN: Ah, hello. I was here fifteen minutes ago, IRECEPTIONIST: I remember you.MARTIN: Yes, I imagine you would do. RECEPTIONIST: Its very exciting for us, you know. We dont often get to rent out the staterooms in the winter.MARTIN: No, I bet you dont. The thing is, I, um, Ive been up to have a look at the roomthe rooms; and to be honest, theyre a little . . . sta