Unit 8 CALL ME CRAZY, BUT I HAVE TO BE MYSELF 你可以说我疯了,但我必须做我自己.doc

Unit 8CALL ME CRAZY, BUT I HAVE TO BE MYSELF 你可以说我疯了,但我必须做我自己Mary SeymourNearly every day, without thinking, I say things like “So-and-so is driving me crazy” or “Thats nuts!” Sometimes I catch myself and realize that Im not being sensitive toward people with mental illness. Then I remember Im one of the mentally ill. If I cant throw those words around, who can? 几乎每一天,没有思想,我会说诸如“某某快把我逼疯了”或“简直疯了!”有时我抓住自己,意识到我对精神病患者不敏感。那时我记得我是一个精神病患者。如果我自己都忘却不了这一切，谁又能呢?Being a functional member of society and having a mental disorder is an intricate balancing act. Every morning I send my son to junior high school, put on professional garb and drive off to my job as alumni-magazine editor at a prep school, where Ive worked for six years. Only a few people at work know Im manic-depressive, or bipolar, as its sometimes called. 自己既是一位“运转正常”的社会一员，又是一位患有精神病的人，要平衡这两种身份确实微妙。每天早晨我送我的儿子到初中上学,穿上职业装束，开车去工作，我的工作是在大学预科学校的一个校友杂志编辑,我在那里已经工作了六年。只有少数几个同事知道我有躁狂抑郁症,或狂躁抑郁症患者，因为有时这样叫。Sometimes Im not sure myself what I am. I blend in easily with “normal” people. Youd never know that seven years ago, fueled by the stress of a failing marriage and fanned by the genetic inheritance of a manic-depressive grandfather, I had a psychotic break. 你不会想象得到，7年前由于婚姻破裂造成的焦虑，加上受患狂躁抑郁症的祖父的遗传基因的影响，我突发了精神病。To look at me, youd never guess I once ran naked through my yard or shuffled down the hallways of a psychiatric ward. To hear me, youd never guess God channeled messages to me through my computer. After my breakdown at 36, I was diagnosed as bipolar, a condition marked by moods that swing between elation and despair. 看我,你永远猜不到我曾经围绕我的院子裸奔或拖着脚走在一个精神病房的走廊里。听我说,你永远猜不到上帝通过我的电脑传递信息给我。我36岁后崩溃了,我被诊断为双相情感,心情在亢奋和绝望之间摇摆。It took a second, less-severe psychotic episode in 1997, followed by a period of deep depression, to convince me I truly was bipolar. Admitting I had a disorder that Id have to manage for life was the hardest thing Ive ever done.第二,1997年发作过不太严重的精神病,之后是一段时间的深深的抑郁,这些说明我确实是双向情感。我承认那时我有生活上的障碍,这个是我遇到过的最困难的事。Since then, a combination of therapy, visits to a psychiatrist, medication and inner calibration have helped me find an even keel. 从那之后，我结合治疗、看精神科医生、吃药和自我反省，使我的病情稳定下来。Now I manage my moods with the vigilance of a mother hen, nudging them back to center whenever they wander too far. 我现在就想小鸡妈妈一样小心谨慎地控制着自己的情绪，它们一走远，我就将它们一一赶回来。Eating wisely, sleeping well and exercising regularly keep me balanced from day to day. 明智地吃,好好地睡和有规律的锻炼让我一天天地保持平衡。Ironically, my disorder has taught me to be healthier and happier than I was before. 具有讽刺意味的是，得精神病后我却比以前更加健康快乐了。Most of the time, I feel lucky to blend in with the crowd. Things that most people grumble about-paying bills, maintaining a car, working 9 to 5-strike me as incredible privileges. Ill never forget gazing through the barred windows of the psychiatric ward into the parking lot, watching people come and go effortlessly, wondering if Id ever be like them again. 大多数时候,融入这类人群我感到幸运。大多数人抱怨-关于支付账单,养车,从上午九点工作到下午五点-攻击我这难以置信的特权。我永远不会忘记透过隔绝的精神病房窗户注视到停车场,看着人们自由地来来往往,想象着如果我没病也可以像他们一样。Theres nothing like a stint in a locked ward to make one grateful for the freedoms and burdens of full citizenship. 只有锁在精神病房才会使人感激作一位“正常”市民所能享受到的自由和“负担”。Yet sometimes I feel like an impostor. Sometimes I wish I could sit at the lunch table and talk about lithium and Celexa instead of “Will & Grace.” 但是有时我感觉像个双面人。有时我希望我能坐在午餐旁和谈论锂和西酞普兰而不是 “威尔和格蕾丝”。 While everyone talks about her fitness routine, I want to brag how it took five orderlies to hold me down and shoot me full of sedatives when I was admitted to the hospital, and how for a brief moment I knew the answers to every infinite mystery of the blazingly bright universe. 当大家都在聊健身运动时，我却想吹吹当年我送入医院时要五个护士按住我，再给我注射镇静剂，以及有那么一瞬间我彻底破解了我们这光怪明亮的宇宙中一切无穷的神秘之谜。I yearn for people to know-the real me-in all my complexity, but Im afraid it would scare the bejesus out of them. 我渴望人们知道-真正的我-在我所有的复杂事情中,我担心它会吓得人真魂出窍。Every now and then, I feel like Im truly being myself. Like the time the school chaplain, in whom Id confided my past, asked me to help counsel a severely bipolar student. This young woman had tried to commit suicide, had been hospitalized many times and sometimes locked herself in her dorm room to keep the “voices” from overwhelming her. I walked and talked with her, sharing stories about medication and psychosis. I hoped to show by example that manic-depression did not necessarily mean a diminished life. At commencement, I watched her proudly accept her diploma; despite ongoing struggles with her illness, shes continuing her education. 每时每刻,我觉得我正在真实地做自己。就像那时学校的牧师,我向他坦承了我的精神病史,他让我帮助劝告严重双极的学生。这个年轻的女人曾试图自杀,曾多次住院,有时把自己锁在她的宿舍里,避免“声音”惊扰她。我走过去和她交谈,和她分享药物和精神病的故事。我希望通过举例告诉她这个躁郁症并不一定意味着生活要大打折扣。在毕业典礼上,我看着她骄傲地接受她的文凭;尽管她要与她的病继续斗争,她将继续她的教育。Im able to be fully myself with my closest friends, all of whom have similar schisms between private and public selves. We didnt set out to befriend each other-we just all speak the same language, of hardship and spiritual discovery and psychological awareness.与我最亲密的朋友一起时我能够完全自己,在私人和公共的自我之间，他们都有类似的分裂。我们不打算相互交好-我们仅仅一直说着同样的语言,关于劳累和精神探索和心理意识。What I yearn for most is to integrate both sides of myself. I want to be part of the normal world but I also want to own my identity as bipolar. I want people to know what Ive been through so I can help those traveling a similar path. Fear has kept me from telling my story: fear of being stigmatized, of making people uncomfortable, of being reduced to a label. But hiding the truth has become more uncomfortable than letting it out. 我最渴望的是整合双面情感。我想成为正常世界的一部分，但我也想拥有