必须与不喜欢的人合作时该怎么办？.doc

What to Do When You Have to Work with Someone You Dont Like必须与不喜欢的人合作时该怎么办？如何与你不喜欢的人工作、合作，这通常是件棘手的事情。然而，当我们看到他人的缺点时，不妨回头看看自己，也是一个提高自己、宽容他人的机会。 What to Do When You Have to Work with Someone You Dont Like Johnson Deng【译】 导读 ：说实话，我在工作中也遇到过类似的情况，即因为不喜欢某个人而影响了自己的正常工作。虽然我不完全赞同本文的全部观点，但在我们没有条件去改变现状的情况下，我们可以考虑去容忍某些自己不喜欢的东西，这样做至少不会影响自己的心情，也可以对比提升自己。其次，本文有厚黑学的味道，虽然我不喜欢，但它毕竟是中国的精华。 跟我一样，杰夫（Jeff）是一名作家、演说家、咨询公司领导。据我所知，他不仅专业、受人尊敬、能干、诚实，而且还深受追捧。杰夫和我都认识的一个人邀请我们一起开发一个项目，这显然是一件合作共赢的好事。 除了我不太喜欢杰夫外，这次的合作一切都好。 有关杰夫的某些事让我不太乐意。在我看来，他太自私、太自我。具体我也说不清楚，可我就是不喜欢他。 我将我不喜欢杰夫的事告诉了邀请我们一起合作的人，但她却让我先将此事放一边。“你没有必要喜欢他”，她说，“但你最好与他好好合作”。 那么，怎样与你不喜欢的人合作呢？ 我要谈及的人不只是某个因为沟通水平太差或不能主持会议而让你灰心丧气的人。当然，浪费你的时间尤其是你认为你可以把时间花在好好做事上时，是件让人恼火的事情。不过，那与不喜欢他们却是两码事。试想一下对于同样不能主持会议的两个人，一个是你喜欢的且愿意帮助的，另一个是你不喜欢的也不愿意与之合作的，可你对他们的态度决然不一样。 关于如何同那些你不喜欢的人合作，你通常会听到的建议不外乎就是：为了合作关系，可以不要个人人格。对于你需要的事情，就继续与他们合作。换言之就是：笑而忍之，哭脸当作笑脸迎。 但我却发现那样做几乎不可能。对于那些我们不喜欢的人，他们让我们发疯，我们会花大量的时间去抱怨他们，或是与他们进行必要交流时就会有憋屈感。 但那都不是最糟糕的。更深层的问题是如果你不喜欢某个人，他们知道了，他们也会不喜欢你。如果你觉得与你不喜欢的人合作很难，那么不妨尝试与不喜欢你的人合作。 道理很简单，与你和睦相处的人会寻找办法来帮你，而与你相处不来的人却会想办法来阻挠你。 毋庸置疑，讨人喜欢有益无害。研究表明，喜欢你的人越多，你的人生就越轻松、产出就越多、收益就越大。 那么，如果笑而忍之是一种失败的策略，还有什么别的方法呢？ 不妨花些时间来想想你为什么不喜欢某个人。也许你认为他们贪婪，自私，瞧不起人，或简直就是龌龊卑鄙的小人。换句话说，他们的某些人格缺陷或不相容的特征让你很生气，就像我眼里的杰夫：自私、自我。 这里是很难做到一点，思考一下在你阴暗的心灵里是否可以找到自我矛盾的特征。 可能你也有贪婪、自私、看不起人或卑鄙的一面。但你真的不喜欢你的这些特征，对不对？你希望你可以远离这些特征，正如你希望自己可以远离某个你不喜欢的人。 换言之，由于你一开始就不能容忍那个人，这就意味着你有可能也不能容忍你自己（因为你也有那个人的特征）。 突然间，与你不喜欢的人合作变得有趣了许多。因为你对他们了解得越多、接受你不喜欢他们的成份越多，实际上就等于你对自己的认识加深了，而且也接受了自身存在的不相容成份。 为此，克服你不喜欢别的某个人，其实就是在克服你不喜欢你自己。 这就是你不喜欢的某个人的有用之处，你可以利用他来增进对自己的了解。思考一下你与这个人存在问题的原因，他究竟做了什么让你如此恼火？是因为他过去不能主持会议或写不好邮件，总之你要找出真正困扰着你的原因。究竟是不是他的个性或行为惹怒了你或让你感到恶心呢？你讨厌他的原因什么？ 然后，想想你得出的答案，或许是对你自身存在的问题的一种反映。这是一种游戏，找出你自身存在的你不喜欢的行为，那么你就赢了。 就我而言，杰夫反应出了那些我自身也存在且不喜欢的属性，即我也可能是个自私、自我的人。 想想在你感到贪婪、自私、瞧不起人或是龌龊卑鄙时，你能看到吗？你能感受到那种具有吸引力又有恶心的情感冲突吗？你能容忍你自己黑白不分吗？既是黑又是白。你能在复杂的多重人格里生存吗？这是获得自我同情的关键。 同情你自己是同情他人的关键。只有认识了这一点，你才会真正的开始喜欢你以前不喜欢的人。 现在，我很容易就能从杰夫身上看到我自己，我可能也是个自私、自我、自负的人。尽管我依然很难容忍尤其是写作上的缺陷，但这本身也是我存在的问题，这对我来说是一剂剂良药，我完全可以很好地利用它们。 能够变不喜欢为容忍也是值得嘉奖的：我现在喜欢杰夫了。 Jeff, like me, is a writer, a speaker, and the head of a consulting company. As far as I can tell, hes professional, well respected, capable, honest, and has a popular following. Someone we both know has asked us to collaborate on a project and theres clearly a mutual benefit to our working together. It all sounds great except for one thing: I dont like Jeff. Something about him rubs me the wrong way. He seems too self-serving or egocentric or self-satisfied. I dont know what it is exactly, but I know I dont like him. I mentioned that to the person who wants us to work together. She told me, essentially, to get over it. You dont have to like him, she said, but youd be smart to work with him. So how do you work with someone you dont like? Im not simply talking about someone who frustrates you because they communicate poorly or cant run a meeting. Sure its annoying to have your time wasted, especially when you believe you could do a better job. But thats different than disliking them. Just think about how you respond differently to someone you like who cant run a meeting (you want to help them) versus someone you dont like (you want to stop working with them, or, if the meeting is really long, kill them). The typical advice you hear about working with people you dont like is simply to depersonalize the relationship. Just transact whatever business you need to with them and move on. In other words: Grin and bear it. But I have found that almost impossible to do. The people we dont like drive us crazy and we waste a tremendous amount of time complaining about them, or stressing about a conversation we need to have with them. And thats not the worst of it. The deeper problem is that if you dont like someone, chances are they know it. Which will prompt them to not like you. And if you think working with someone you dont like is hard, try working with someone who doesnt like you. Its simple, really. The people you get along with will find ways to help you; the people you dont get along with will find ways to obstruct you. Being liked has irrefutable benefits. According to research, the more people like you, the easier, more productive, and more profitable, your life will be. Which means that someone you dont get along with even if you grin and bear it poses a risk. So if grinning and bearing it is a losing strategy, whats the alternative? Consider, for a moment, the reason you dont like someone. Maybe you think theyre greedy. Or selfish. Or dismissive. Or downright mean. In other words, they have some character flaw or disagreeable trait that bothers you. Like my view of Jeff as self-serving, egocentric, and self-satisfied. Now and heres the hard part think about whether, in the dark shadowy parts of your psyche, you can detect shards of that disagreeable trait in yourself. Can you be greedy, selfish, dismissive or downright mean? You really dont like that part of yourself, right? You wish you could distance yourself from that side of you. Just like you wish you could distance yourself from that disliked person. In other words, chances are, the reason you cant stand that person in the first place, is that they remind you of what you cant stand about yourself. Suddenly, working with people you dont like becomes a lot more interesting. Because getting to know them better, and accepting the parts of them you dont like, is actually getting to know yourself better and accepting the parts of yourself you dont like. So the way to overcome your dislike of someone else? Overcome your dislike of yourself. Thats where the person you dont like can come in handy. Use him to understand yourself better. Consider why you have a problem with him. What does he do that bothers you so much? Move past his inability to run meetings or write a good email and get to whats really bugging you. What about his personality or behavior sparks annoyance or disgust in you? What do you hate about him? Then, consider how your answers might be a reflection of you. This is a game and you win by finding that hated behavior in yourself. For me, Jeff reflected those attributes about myself that I disliked the way I can be self-serving and egotistical and self-satisfied. Think about times when you feel greedy or selfish or dismissive or downright mean. Can you see it? Can you feel your feelings of both attraction and disgust? Can y